SMS jokes

1. Late at night, Bush saw Mrs. Bush standing in front of his bed, with her hair spread out. Bush was shocked and said: You are so bold, you dare to break into the White House at night! ** shook his chest-length beard, smiled sinisterly, and said: Rejoice, you are so confident!

2. One person is treating cottonworms, thinking that the technician said that a small bottle cap of pesticide can ensure that there are no insects for a month. If I just put in a bottle of medicine, won’t it be guaranteed for how many years? He did this, and the next day he saw that the cotton leaves were all dry.

3. The teacher drew an apple on the blackboard. Q: What is this? classmate:**. The teacher painted the apple red and asked again. Classmate: Monkey**. The teacher drew another branch on it and asked again. Classmate: The monkey with a branch stuck in it.

4. Men express love by bragging, and women express love by listening. Once a woman’s intelligence reaches a certain level, it is almost difficult for her to find a husband, because when she listens, her heart There must be sarcastic voices.

5. A kind of like and a kind of infatuation combine to form my passionate love for you; I will rely on you tightly in every trivial matter of life; no matter the wind, rain or ups and downs, life has you and me. Just have nothing to fear. Really need you, money!

6. Once I went out to play and got on the bus. After a few stops, a very fashionable young man came up. He immediately found a seat and sat down. The driver loudly asked him to put in coins. He was not happy. He said slowly: "My dad works for the bus company." Everyone was stunned.

7. Yeah! I accidentally sent you I Love You by mistake. If you accept it, store it. If you don't accept it, send these three words back to me.

8. Grasses and flowers planted on construction sites tend to get sick, so every time they pass by, they squat down and take a closer look to see if they are sick. If they do, spray them with pesticides. The mother-in-law who was selling flyers next to me saw me looking at these flowers and said: If you like it, you can pick some and take them back. I said: I planted these flowers, and they look like they belong to your home.

9. Yingzi said to Xiaoqiang: "If I kick you during the exam today, you have to look at me." When it was time for the exam, Yingzi kicked Xiaoqiang, and Xiaoqiang replied: Meow!

10. I remember when I was a child, I went to the river to take a bath. One of my friends suddenly stopped moving and felt tense all over. But I was so frightened that I thought I was having cramps, but unexpectedly that idiot yelled at me. Come here, come on, I've got a fish between my legs.

11. My female colleague was very excited when she went to the driving school to practice driving on her first day. I asked her why she was so happy. She happily said: I met an SB instructor who had a bad attitude. Sometimes I teased him about what would happen if he pressed the brake and accelerator at the same time. He asked me to just close my eyes. Then I really did that, and he called me grandma on the spot!

12. The first time I saw you! I like you so much! You also noticed me, you smiled brightly, and kept waving to me, I couldn't help but hug you! Cute Lucky Cat!

13. The two missionaries were caught by the cannibals and placed in a pot, lit on fire and prepared for cooking. After a while, missionary A suddenly laughed. B is very puzzled. A explained: I just peed in the soup, hehe.

14. I want to go to the sea with you, but I can’t grasp the unpredictable future; I want to go mountain climbing with you, but I am full of confusion about ideals; I want to wander with you, but I can’t reach the happy paradise. ; I wanted to go shopping with you, but I met a lady who said: No dogs allowed!

15. An employee asked for leave, saying he was going to see a doctor. The boss was out and happened to see this employee with his girlfriend, so he asked: Didn't you say you were going to see a doctor? The clerk replied: Boss, my girlfriend is a doctor!

16. American astronauts and Chinese astronauts met in space. American astronaut: "China is so great. I saw your Great Wall at a glance." The Chinese astronaut glanced at it and said, "That's a traffic jam."

17. No matter how high a woman stands, squat down It can only wet the ground under your feet; the man is so powerful, he stands higher and urinates further!

18. Do you still remember the dying little swallow by Daming Lake? Do you still remember Ziwei who shed tears before saying anything? It doesn’t matter if you forget everything, do you still remember that you owe me a meal? 19. When you receive this message, you already owe me a hug? , delete the message, you owe me a kiss; reply to the message, you owe me everything you have; if you don’t reply, you are mine.

20. A big mouse accidentally entered a flower shop and was chased by a small cat. The big mouse found that there was no way to escape, so he picked up a bouquet of roses and prepared to lower his resistance. The little cat saw it. He immediately lowered his head and said shyly: I'm sorry, I'm still young.

21. "The baby is so cute, is it yours?" The man holding the baby answered "No". "Your nephew or brother?" "Neither, to be honest, I am a contraceptive salesman, and the child is a returned product that has expired.

22. I was buying fruit at the fruit shop last night, and I met someone on the way. He was chasing me, which scared me a lot. I thought he was robbing someone, so I ran away. When I couldn’t run anymore, he also caught up with me. I thought I could grab him if I wanted to. , I closed my eyes and waited for him to grab it, but he came up to me and said something that almost made me angry to death. He said: "Brother, why did you run away, you dropped the orange.

23. A sign was erected at the intersection of the newly built highway, which said: You can arrive half an hour earlier by taking the new road. Those who are illiterate deserve to take the old road.

24. The little girl is eighteen years old. She is not just selling melons, but boasting about herself. She is indeed as beautiful as a flower and has a great figure. She is like a fish and a wild goose, and Xi Shi picks flowers. She is always worried and just wants to have a good family!

25. Today in the cafeteria, I met a junior who wanted to swipe his card for his junior sister, but she refused. I immediately took back her meal card, broke it, and left silently, hiding my merit and fame. Come on, junior! Seniors can only help you so far!

26. A kind person, a smart mind, a handsome appearance, rich connotations, a serious attitude, and a persistent character. well! You still want people to live, but you don’t have a single thing I said! Oh, I wish you happiness!

27. You gave birth to a child named Face, and I gave birth to a child named **. My face was later separated on the street. Five years later, you came to my house and sighed: If my face was still there, it would be as big as yours!

28. I like to miss you in the quiet winter nights, pray for you silently when the snow is falling, and cuddle up with you in the snow in the wild winter, and then I stuff a handful of snow into it. In your collar, little sample, the cold won’t kill you!

29. A friend just bought a new mobile phone, and then the phone rang. He picked up the phone and said "hello" for a long time but couldn't hear the other party. When he took it off, he saw that it was a text message.

30. Teacher: Xiao Ming, get out! Xiao Ming: Didn’t you say that if a worker wants to do his job well, he must first sharpen his tools? Teacher: Is this the reason why you masturbate in class?

31. Huang Zhong followed Liu Bei when he was sixty, Tokugawa Ieyasu conquered the world at seventy, Jiang Ziya became prime minister at eighty, Taijun She took command at the age of one hundred, Sun Wukong went to the west to learn Buddhist scriptures at the age of five hundred, and Bai Suzhen talked about it at the age of more than a thousand. in love. Young man, what are you anxious about?

32. Today I spent a lot of effort to buy a mouse from the last century. My classmate came over and looked at me and laughed: "What age are you still using this kind of mouse?" I replied: "You Is the mouse as safe as mine? I took the beads away to see who can play with them." The classmate was silent for a while and asked: "Where did you buy it?

33. Single Xiao Wang asked Lao Li: Why does the law stipulate that a man can only marry one wife? Lao Li said sincerely: After you have a wife, you will find that this law actually protects men.

34. After joining the work, I like to fight. Basketball. Once, when my male and female colleagues were playing basketball, something suddenly clicked, and I didn’t know what to do. At this time, a female colleague said: "Kids who don’t wear crotchless pants here, go home and change."

35. I met you by chance, paid attention to you twice when we met, dated you three or four times, missed you all the time, 90% I should like you, I am absolutely sure that I love you.

36. The first or second grader in our village has a big scar on his face. I asked him how he got it. He said sarcastically that he was riding a motorcycle home at night during the Chinese New Year, but the car stopped moving halfway. He shook the motorcycle and it seemed that it was out of gas. So he took out his lighter, lit it, and went to the fuel tank to look at it. Thank goodness I ran out of gas, otherwise my life would have been lost.

37. I want to cry, I want to make trouble, stay up all night, holding a bottle of sleeping pills in my hand, and a small rope to hang myself. No matter how ugly you are, you still have to fall in love and the world is filled with love.

38. First couplet: Sister Furong said with a smile that the spring breeze is blowing war drums and that in today’s world, whoever is afraid is enough. Second line: Brother Sharp has a deep and authentic hairstyle and has a good fashion image. I am the most fashionable person in this society and it’s great that someone praises me. Hengpi: They are just two idiots.

39. The owner heard a knock on the door. It was a neighbor’s child who came to borrow the record player. The owner: Okay. Children, is your family going to have a party? Child: No, it’s my dad who wants to have a good sleep.

40. In fact, in my heart, you have always been a person who is particularly patient, charming, capable of fighting, and dedicated. Most importantly, you are particularly able to endure hardship... I'm sorry, so sorry. I typed the word "bitter".

41. Female Rat A held a photo of a bat and said: “This is my boyfriend.” Female Rat B: “It’s so ugly!” Female Rat A: “But it’s a pilot?

42. My cousin liked a girl from the school next door. After a month of observation, he finally shaved the girl on his electric bike, and then sent her to school again and again in the name of the perpetrator! I went to live in someone else’s house on the pretext of taking care of their daily life!

43. “Grandma, can you sing Little Star? "Yes!" Then you can sing it to me? ""OK! Stars are still the same stars, uh huh huh stars! The moon is still the same moon!

44. According to the latest research by scientists, one hundred men participated in the experiment. After each drank twenty bottles of beer, all of them became extremely talkative but illogical, prone to crying and anger, and behaved impulsively. , driving skills declined, and weight increased. So scientists concluded that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen!

45. Teacher: "What is everyone's biggest wish for studying? Do they all want to be admitted to university." Xiaoye said: "No, my biggest wish is to own a magic pen written by Ma Liang.

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46. One day after school, a boy followed me all the way and kept pestering me. When I got home, I saw the man standing not far from the door, so I volunteered to chase him away. : I have no vision, I am attracted to my sister!

47. I was working on the construction site in the summer, and the boss came over and shouted, "Put on your safety helmet!" I said, it's so hot, and we're working on the ground again. What are you doing with that thing? The boss said that if a meteorite falls and kills you, I will be responsible. After hearing this, I put on my helmet obediently. What he said made sense, but I was speechless.

48. "Dad, I may have seen my long-lost brother today. The jade pendant in his hand is exactly the same as the one on my waist... Damn it, my jade pendant is here!"

49. One day a salesman rang the bell: Madam, I have a book here called "500 Excuses for Your Husband to Come Back Late". You must buy a copy! A certain wife: What a joke! Why should I buy it? Salesman: I just sold a copy to your husband!

50. When you receive this message, you owe me a hug. If you delete the message, you owe me a kiss. If you reply to the message, you owe me everything you have. If you don’t reply, you will be mine.

51. A: I was drinking with friends last night, and a thief came into my house. B: Did you steal anything? A: My wife thought I came home drunk at night, so she beat him up indiscriminately. The thief shouted for help, and the police came and caught him.

52. Not long after the ant and the elephant got married, the elephant unfortunately passed away. The ant cried sadly, and his friends couldn't bear it and came to comfort him. The ant said, "Why do you think my life is so miserable?" It would be enough for him to dig a hole for the rest of his life.

53. The white clouds never promise to stay or stay in the sky, but they accompany them day and night; the scenery never tells the eyes about eternity, but it is always beautiful; the stars never promise light to the night, but they work hard to shine; I don’t always I am in touch with you, but I will always care about you!

54. The fly paper will be covered with flies after being left out for a day. My girlfriend asked me why I was so stupid. Didn’t I see that all my companions were dead? I said without thinking: If a group of people gather around you on the road, can you resist going up and taking a look?

55. You have the face of an angel, the body of a devil, and even your fart posture is so graceful. But in public, how about controlling the pace?

56. You must be nicer to your boyfriend in the future. After all, he is the most discerning person in the world. ——You must be nicer to your girlfriend in the future, after all, she is blind enough!

57. Women, what should you do if your husband makes you angry in the future? Let me tell you, don’t go back to your parents’ home, sign up for a tour group, please bring the air conditioner remote control, TV remote control, his driver’s license, his ID card, his car keys, change the computer and Wi-Fi passwords, and bring his Get your salary card and set off with peace of mind.

58. The boy took out the ring and proposed to the girl, but the girl threw the ring into the sea.

She said: "If you can get the ring back, it means you really love me, and I will marry you." The boy stood on the beach and did not get into the water. The girl was secretly glad that she had made this poor man give up completely, but not long after, the ring floated up.

59. I have been waiting for this day for a long time, and I always think of you, your smile, and your figure from time to time. Today you are fragrant, and the fragrance of flowers is specially designed to attract bees. I don’t believe I can’t sting you!

60. Marriage notice: Male, bachelor's degree, only a few points away; working in a multinational organization, cleaning tables at McDonald's; owning a house, owned by multiple people; owning a car, non-motorized; looking for beautiful young people*** Go to hell, several years later.

61. The most painful thing in the world is watching your retreating back. I ran to catch up with you, but you ran forward without looking back. Hey, it’s such a hot day, why don’t you wait for me... Dear bus!

62. A friend said to me: Damn, pregnant women are really pretentious. Today, they told me that they wanted to eat grapes. After buying them, they ate one, and then they said they wanted to eat lychees. Alas, it’s like walking a dog. I said: It’s much better than when my wife was pregnant. Brother asked: What's going on? Me: Khan! This bitch told me to eat the box lunch on the train.

63. Two drunkards came home after getting drunk. One drunkard knocked hard on the street lamp and said while knocking: Wife, open the door quickly! When he didn't open it, he asked if he was going back to his parents' house. Another drunkard said: Cut it! Didn’t you see that the light above is still on?

64. A long time ago, lies and truth bathed by the river. The lies were washed first and left wearing the clothes of truth, but the truth refused to wear the clothes of lies. Later, in people's eyes, there were only lies dressed in real clothes, but it was difficult to accept the naked truth.

65. At the end of the sky, in the corner of the earth, close friends are half scattered, and a ladle of turbid wine is all that is left to enjoy. Don’t sleep in the cold tonight! I'm missing you!

66. The beautiful doctor asked the patient: Is there anything wrong with you when you go back? The patient stuttered and said: I will go back to work later, if it is at night. The doctor pushed and said, "Who asked you this?" I mean, did you feel anything unusual after you went back after watching it last time?

67. Ah! Your skin is so shiny and your fragrance is so irresistible, let me bite you hard, my dear... braised pork.

68. Mom asked Xiao Ming: "What are you doing with the knife!". Xiao Ming: "Which wood." Mom: "Then you have to be careful not to cut your hands." Xiao Ming: "Don't worry, my brother's hand is holding wood?".

69. Deep in the white clouds, please dare to sprinkle some soil and fertilizer on your head on this special day. It will not only increase your height and beauty, but also bring food through photosynthesis. Why don't you try it quickly? Happy Arbor Day to you.

70. The couple had not had children for many years. The husband went to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor said: You have too few sperm and may be permanently infertile. The husband said: Damn, if I had known earlier, I wouldn’t have wasted so many condoms!

71. A mother was trapped on the fifth floor by a fire, with a several-month-old baby in her arms; the firefighters were downstairs, but the mother refused to abandon the baby; a goalkeeper was asked to be found, but the mother could safely abandon the baby; goalkeeper skills High, he caught it steadily and put it on the ground; unexpectedly, he took a few steps back and kicked the child out. The mother was stupid.

72. There are thin horses in the west wind on the ancient road, people's homes in the small bridges and flowing water, the sunset, the heartbroken people are waiting for your call, God, please save me!

73. Before marriage, when I was in love with my wife, I would kiss her gently to wake her up every morning, and she would say to me very sweetly: "I will do this every day in the future." Now, one day I kissed her in the morning, but my wife slapped her in the face and said: "Get lost! You kissed me so early in the morning without brushing your teeth!

74. Ah Ju bought a fake mobile phone to show off to his colleagues It had a long standby time of 100 days, but it ran out of power in just one day. Aju ran to the store to complain, and the clerk pointed to the phone box and it said: "Extra long standby for one day"

75 , Little Red Riding Hood was walking alone on the path in the countryside. She rushed home before the sun went down, but she still met the big bad wolf. What do you think the result was? As a result, Little Red Riding Hood was eaten by the big bad wolf.

< p> 76. Before the military training, you were Pan An, and after the military training, you were Bao Zheng. The sun gave you plastic surgery, and the instructor gave you plastic surgery. I wish you still have the face of a scholar after military training! 121, let’s go together! /p>

77. When I was in primary school, because my family was too poor to buy a bicycle, I had to take a taxi home every day.

In junior high school, because I excelled in my studies, the school kept me for two more years.

78. The father went to school to look for his son. When he saw that his son was made to stand by the teacher, he asked why. The son said: The teacher asked me to answer the question about the Battle of Chibi, but I can’t! The father poked his son: You silly boy! Isn't a bare-armed fight just a fight with bare arms?

79. During the summer vacation from college, I bought a beautiful skirt and showed it off in front of my mother, hoping that she would praise me. My mother asked me to go around and show it to her, and she saw it all up, down, left, and right. I asked her, "How is it?", and my mother said, "It's okay, everything that needs to be covered is covered."

80 , the handsome boy stalked the girl, promising that he would never give up until he reached the Yellow River. One day, the girl invited the handsome boy to swim in the Yellow River. The handsome boy thought it was a good idea, but when he reached the bank of the Yellow River, the girl said: Now we are back to the Yellow River, you should be worried. ?

81. The sun is red in the morning, and our love is in vain. The sun is as red as fire at noon, why is it always me who is hurt when the sun sets in the evening?

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82. There are only two seasons in the transition of love: cute or not; there are only two sounds in the night sky of love: lucky or not; there are only two scenery on the road of love: mine, ours.

83. A little girl was walking at night and met a robber on the road: "Hand over the money! The little girl replied: "No, even if you rape me, I won't do it!" The robber looked at the little girl carefully and said, "What a beautiful idea you have!"

84. Confucius said: Fight with bricks, look at your face, don't mess with it; don't worry about it anymore, just go to death; if you die, just pull it down, don't worry about it anymore; the immortal is a hero also!

85. I want to give you a bouquet of roses, but I have no money; I want to give you chocolates every day, but I am afraid that you will beat me if you gain weight, so I can only send you a text message today to wish you the best. :Happy Valentine's Day.

86. The vast sky allows you to fly high, and you can tell beautiful stories. Kind children should chase them. Send humorous short messages to the little turtle!

87. I am a junior in college, and I have no classes in the afternoon. I am watching movies alone in the dormitory. I am enjoying watching it when my roommate opens the door and comes in. I quickly minimize the window and pretend to be playing a game. My roommate looked at me, let out a long sigh, and said: It has been three years, but we brothers still haven’t been able to treat each other with sincerity.

88. I have a husky at home. When I was feeding it dog food today, out of curiosity, I picked up a piece and tasted it. Unexpectedly, after the husky looked at me affectionately, he silently He moved his body and made room for me beside the rice bowl.

89. On a sunny day, the scenery is beautiful, the wind is beautiful and the sun is so carefree; the red flowers, green grass, and willows are floating in the wind; the breeze blows, the birds chirp, and the kites fly high gently; Spring has gone and summer has arrived. I will take you to eat grass!

90. One person participated in a gluttonous competition and devoured a chicken, nine burgers, and a large piece of apple pie, and finally won the championship. Before leaving the stage, he said to others: Don't tell my wife, or I won't be able to have lunch.