I feel that my standards are very high, almost harsh, but I can't lower them.

Children don't fit in, which will worry us; Friends and relatives are not gregarious, which will make us disgusted; But what if we don't fit in?

People are social people, and they can't live without society and groups. In life, if we don't fit in, it will make us lonely and miserable; Children who don't fit in will make us anxious; Friends and relatives don't fit in, which will arouse our antipathy; Others don't fit in, and it will be annoying. What if we don't fit in?

Guiguzi said, "People who want to be together use it." That is, if you want to fit in, the first thing is to fight for it yourself. The crux of bad communication lies in not adapting to the group, so to adapt to the group, we must change ourselves. If you want to change yourself, you must first understand the crux of your unsociable, and find out the reasons: inferiority or shyness, or arrogance; Are you lonely and afraid to fall into the trap, or stubbornly and suspiciously refuse people thousands of miles away ... dig up the root of the disease, know the harm, and prescribe the right medicine. To withdraw, you should know: "There are far no friends in the world, but there are true feelings in the world"; Shy people should understand that the more they pay attention, the more they can't improve. Don't care too much about yourself. Inferiority should know that "the world is broad, and those who feel inferior are narrow", and self-confidence is the secret of success; Arrogance should be clear that "Mei Xu Xun's snow is three points white, but the snow has lost a piece of Mei Xiang". Arrogance can be avoided, humility can be learned; Suspicious notes "believe in yourself, don't trust others, this is the reason for failure". We should strive to seek truth from facts, be strict with ourselves, be lenient with others, learn to treat others coldly, and avoid "reasonable inference" based on suspicion. ...

Emerson said, "The only way to find friends is to make yourself a friend of others." Those who are compatible are willing to be compatible first. "It's up to you to see the silver mountain beating the sky and throwing the window into the river." Psychologically speaking, it is easy to understand things and get along with people by removing the fence that blocks gregarious.

"On and off" here refers to the opening and closing of speech, behavior and emotion in communication. People who don't fit in, mostly because the time and place that should be open when communicating are not open, such as not participating, not intervening, not expressing, etc. , making people inaccessible; The closed time and place is not closed, and it is arbitrary and presumptuous without looking at the object occasion, which makes people feel inhuman; Or excessively open or closed. So what should the opening and closing of social interaction be based on?

Generally speaking, the opening and closing of communication should be based on the principle of adapting to the environment, following the law and being reasonable. We should thoroughly consider the contents, methods, degree, objects, environment and results of openness, say what we should say, do what we should do and behave appropriately. Pay attention to leave enough room for other people's openings. Closure needs to be handled carefully, taking into account all aspects of closure, so that words and deeds stop at necessity and appropriateness. For the benefit of others, for unity, cooperation and harmony, effectively self-discipline or restrain others.

People who don't fit in with others should correct their mistakes in opening and closing their words and deeds according to the reality of communication. Ask teachers to supervise, remind and help, avoid the "minefield" opened and closed by improper words and deeds, and learn to be closed, sharp, open and inclusive in communication; Closed to show off, open to humble; Shut up evil words and speak good words; Closed and vulgar, open and elegant; Closed and weird, open and easy-going; Closed passive, open active; Closed indulgence, open restraint; Closed indifference, open enthusiasm and so on. Therefore, on the basis of not deviating from the principle, we can communicate with people, follow, tolerate and enter the smooth road of gregarious.

Studying the "plot" and adjusting the role of the "role" actors depends on the needs of the development of the script and plot. If you want to succeed in the role, you must first understand and study the script, plot and characters. When we communicate, we should learn as much as possible about the "script", "plot" and characters, like actors, and play a role that is consistent with our identity and status according to the needs of communication, people's expectations, the changes of communication objects, environment and time. We must pay attention to the adjustment and transformation of roles anytime and anywhere. For example, in front of parents and elders, we can play spoiled, cheated and mean children, but when we enter the unit, we can't be spoiled, cheated and mean in society. For another example, you are an out-and-out authority and leader in the unit, but without the unit, you have no reason and power to condescend and give orders. You must play the role of an equal member of the social group.

In interpersonal communication, only by being in it can we integrate into the group. Therefore, we should follow the rule of "consistency". "Being in it" and "being consistent" here mean putting aside differences, seeking common ground while reserving differences, and doing as the Romans do; It is the inner and outer circle, adapting to the environment; It is flexible and flexible without deviating from the principle; Is to keep your own characteristics and integrate with others everywhere. It requires us to regard ourselves as a member of the whole and strive to be in tune with the group in dress, words and deeds. It requires us to be modest and respectful, not to be too stubborn, to be good at accommodating, and to treat others with a peaceful mind and an equal mood. It warns us not to deliberately deviate from the routine, so as not to be regarded as heresy; Words should not deliberately pursue grotesque, to prevent being regarded as heresy and so on.

Because unsociable people are not good at getting along with others, it is often more uncomfortable to be among strangers at once, and I don't know how to deal with it. Only by adjusting the order of their communication, let them get along with their relatives and acquaintances, from near to far, from acquaintances to strangers, from home to home, from understanding ignorance, step by step, gradually adapt, master the ways and means of getting along with relatives and acquaintances, and get along with outsiders and strangers, it will be easy to get along with others. In addition, unsociable people should first associate with generous people, cheerful people and tolerant people, so as to learn to adapt, learn methods and learn excellent conduct in communication. "It is dark to be near Zhu Zhechi and Mexico", and they will gradually come together.