English humorous jokes and long stories

The first joke (foreigners will laugh if they read this) is that Adam and Joseph are talking about their family. Adam said, "My grandfather was a very good conductor before his death" and "Was he a musician?" Joseph asked. "No," Adam said, "he was struck by lightning." Adam and Yue Se are talking about their families. Adam said, "My grandfather was a conductor." Yue Se asked, "Is he a musician? Adam said, "No, he was struck by lightning. "The bishop spoke to the congregation about the shortage of priests and nuns." Too many people have only one child and engrave them. Engage in other occupations. I suggest that every family should have three children: one for the father, one for the mother and one for the church. "A few days later, the Bishop went out shopping and saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd, "This one is yours, Bishop! A bishop told his congregation that there was a shortage of priests and nuns. He said: "too many of you have only one child, let them engage in other industries." I suggest that every family should have three children, one for father, one for mother and one for church. A few days later, the bishop went out shopping and saw a pregnant woman in his parish. Before he greeted her, she said loudly in public, "Bishop, this child is yours! A little girl in ...................................................................... is talking about whales with her teacher. The teacher said that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a person, because although a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very narrow. The little girl said Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that it is impossible for a whale to swallow a person, which is impossible. The little girl said, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, * What if Jonah went to hell? * The little girl replied, * Then ask him! A student goes to a young professor's office. She glanced at the hall, closed his door and knelt down imploringly. She said that I would do anything to pass the exam. She approached him, brushed her hair, and gazed meaningfully into his eyes. * I mean, * she whispered, * I'll do anything ... * He responded to her gaze, * Anything? * * Anything. * His voice softened, * Anything? * * Anything, * she repeated. His voice fell into a whisper. * Can you ... study? * You can read slowly. Good boy, little Robert asked his mother for candy. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? ""I gave it to a poor old woman, "he replied." "You are a good boy," mother said proudly. There is still 0 cents left. But why are you so interested in that old woman? ""She is the candy seller. ""Good boy Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he replied. "You are such a good boy," mother said proudly. "Give you two cents. But why are you so interested in that old lady? " "She sells sweets." Bird's Nest and Hair My sister is a primary school teacher. One of her students told her that a bird built a bird's nest in a tree outside the classroom. "What bird?" My sister asked. "I don't see any birds, madam, only the nest," the child replied. So, can you describe this nest for us? "My sister is engaged to her." Well, ma 'am, it's just reorganizing your hair. "Note: (1) notify v.tell (2) nest n.nest; Nest (3) description n. description (4) encouragement v. encouragement (5) collection v. similarity; Similar to bird's nest and hair, my sister is a primary school teacher. Once a student told her that a bird made a nest in a tree outside the classroom. " What kind of bird is it? "My sister asked her." Teacher, I don't see any birds, only a nest. "The child replied," So, can you describe this bird's nest for us? "My sister encouraged her." Oh, teacher, just like your hair. "I just bit my tongue." Are we poisonous? "The young snake asked his mother." Yes, dear, "she replied." Why do you ask? " "Because I just bit my tongue! Note: (1) toxic; Toxic; Toxic; Toxic because I just bit my tongue. Cause in the sentence is the abbreviation of cause. I just bit my tongue. " Are we poisonous? "A young snake asked its mother." Yes, dear, "she replied," why do you ask? " "Because I just bit my tongue. A woman fell. It was rush hour, and I was running to a train in grand central terminal. As I was approaching the door, a plump middle-aged woman rushed up from behind, lost her foothold on the smooth marble floor and slipped on her back. Her momentum brought her close to my shoes. However, before I could help her, she had climbed up. She posed, winked at me and said, "Do you always make beautiful women fall at your feet?"? "In the rush hour to find the fallen woman, I hurried to new york Luxury Center Station to catch the train. Near the door, a chubby middle-aged woman rushed from behind, only to find that she slipped on the smooth marble floor and slipped on her back. Her inertia brought her close to my feet. I was going to help her, but she stood up by herself. She calmed down, raised my eyebrows and said, "Do beautiful women always fall at your feet?"? Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: Monkeys can have fleas, but fleas cannot have monkeys. What's the difference between monkeys and fleas? You may directly think that they are a big one and a small one. But besides, monkeys can have fleas, but fleas can't have monkeys. Is this an interesting answer? Q: How can you irritate a farmer best? Step on his corn? If you step on a farmer's corn or grain, he will definitely get angry; And if you step on the corns of farmers' feet, they will be more angry. Corn can refer to both "corn/grain" and "corn". Q: What is the strongest creature in the world? A: Snails. It carries the house on its back. Because snails always carry a house on their backs, it is not surprising that snails are the strongest creatures in the world. What did you say?/Sorry? Q: What do people do in watch factories? They make faces all day. When you see this sentence, don't think that people who work in a watch factory make faces all day! Because in addition to this meaning, it can be literally understood as making a clock face. Q: How to stop sleepwalkers from walking in their sleep? Keep him awake. How can I stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? The easiest way is not to let him sleep. Although this is not a treatment, if the sleepwalker is awake, he will not sleepwalk. English joke (2) He is really something-my uncle has 1000 people. -He's really something. What does he do? -Maintenance man at the cement plant. He is really a big shot-my uncle has 1000 people under his command. -He's really a big shot. What do you do? Graveyard keeper. English joke (3) An old woman from China visited her grandmother from the United States and returned to China soon. She went to a city bank to deposit the dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk carefully checked every bill to see if it was true. This made the old lady impatient. Finally, she couldn't hold on any longer, saying that she believed in me, sir, and also believed in money. They are real dollars. They come directly from China. Shortly after an old American lady came back from visiting her daughter in America, she went to a city bank to deposit the dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the bank clerk carefully checked every banknote to see if it was fake. This made the old woman very impatient. Finally, she couldn't help saying, "Trust me, sir, and please trust these bills, too. These are real dollars, and they are brought directly from America. "English joke (4) My puppy can't read. Mrs. Brown: Oh, dear, I have lost my precious puppy! Mrs Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the newspaper! Mrs. Brown: It's no use. My little dog can't read. My dog can't read. Mrs. Brown: Oh, dear, I have lost my beloved dog! Mrs Smith: But you should put an advertisement in the newspaper! Mrs. Brown: It's no use. My puppy can't read. Bring me the champion-waiter, this lobster has only one paw. -I'm sorry, sir. It must be fighting. -Well, then bring me the winner. Give me the winner-waiter, this lobster has only one claw. Sorry, sir, but this one must have been in a fight. Oh, then give me the winner. English joke (6) The party of mean men. The notorious cheapskate finally decided to invite a guest. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Go up to 5 meters and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push it open with your feet. " "Why use my elbows and feet? "Oh, dear," he replied, "you didn't go home empty-handed, did you? A miser's treat A notorious miser finally decided to treat. Explaining to a friend how to find his home, he said, "You go up to the fifth floor, find the middle door, and then ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push it with your feet. " "Why use my elbows and feet?" "You have to take a gift in your hand. God, you won't come empty-handed, will you? " The miser replied. On a country road, a state trooper pulled the farmer over and said, "Sir, did you know that your wife fell out of the car a few miles ago?" The farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had left." On a country road, a policeman stopped the farmer and said, "Sir, do you realize that your wife fell off the car a few kilometers ago?" The farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I was deaf!" " Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. When he did this, he left his friend. "This is a difficult world, so I want to teach my children to fight. Friend: "but pretend that he is facing a man much bigger than him, and he is also ashamed of boxing." . Dan: "I'm teaching him to run, too." . Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. He told his friend, "This is a rough world, so I will teach my son how to fight. "Friend:" What if he meets someone who is taller and stronger and can box? Dan: "I will also teach him how to run a race." Ivan came home with a bloody nose. His mother asked, "What happened?" ""A child bit me, "Ivan replied." Can you recognize him if you see him again? "His mother asked," I can recognize him anywhere, "Ivan said his ears were in my pocket. "Ivan came home with a nosebleed. His mother asked, "What's the matter? A boy bit me, Ivan said. Can you recognize him when you see him again? "mom asked." "I can recognize him wherever he goes," Ivan said. His ear is still in my pocket. Teacher: Matthew, what's the climate like in New Zealand? Matthew: Very cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! The meat they send us is always frozen! Teacher: Matthew, what's the climate like in New Zealand? Matthew: Sir, the weather there is very cold. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! The pork shipped from there is frozen hard. 1. When was Rome built? When was Rome built? Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: It was built at night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: It's you. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. He knows the answer. Teacher: Can you tell me something about/kloc-the great scientist of the 8th century? Student: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. Teacher: Can you tell me something about1the great scientists of the 8th century? Student: I can, sir. They are all dead. 3. Where do babies come from? Where do children come from? I asked my father where babies came from. He said you can download it from the internet. I asked my father where the children came from, and he said they were downloaded from the Internet. 4. Necessary corrections Substantive corrections Teacher: Walter, why don't you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast today. Walter: What's that? Teacher: eggs. Walter: Wrong, sir. That was yesterday. Teacher: Walter, why don't you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast today. Walter: What did I eat? Teacher: eggs. Walter: Wrong, sir. That was eaten yesterday. I don't want to argue "Gerald," the teacher asked, "what shape is the earth? ""It's round, "Gerald replied." How do you know it's round? "The teacher continued," Well, that's settled, "he replied." I really don't want to argue about it! "Gerald," said the teacher, "what shape is the earth?" "It's round," Gerald replied. "How do you know it's round?" The teacher continued to ask. "Well, that's settled," he replied. "I really don't want to argue with you about this!" 6. Three reasons Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know that the earth is round. Bob: Mom said so, Dad said so, and you said so! Teacher: Bob, give three reasons to prove that the earth is round. Bob: Mom said so, Dad said so, and you said so! 7. Who should I give a gift to? Who should I give the gift to? A father with five children came home with a toy, gathered his children together and asked which of them should get this gift. "Who is the most obedient, never talks back to his mother and does whatever he or she says?" He asked. First there was silence, and then there was a chorus of voices: "Dad, come and play!" " A father with five children came home with a toy, called the children together and asked who the gift should be given to. "Who is the most obedient and never talks back to his mother and does whatever he is told?" He asked. Everyone was silent. After a while, the children said in unison, "Dad, you play." 8. Big Head "All the children make fun of me," the boy promised his mother. "They say I have a big head." "Don't listen to them," his mother comforted. "You have a beautiful head. Stop crying now and go to the store to buy ten pounds of potatoes. " "Where is the shopping bag?" I didn't. Use your hat. ""All the children make fun of me, "the little boy cried to his mother." They say I have a big head. ""Don't listen to them, "his mother comforted." Your head is beautiful. Ok, stop crying and go to the store to buy 10 Jin of potatoes. ""where is the bag? ""I don't have a bag, just use your hat. "A foreigner came to China. One day, he passed by K F C and saw the guests eating something like blood. He asked, "What is that?" The waiter said, "That's ketchup. "Foreigners think that China's blood is called ketchup. He passed a chicken leg shop and saw the guests eating legs and things like that. He asked, "What is that?" The waiter said, "that's a chicken leg." "Foreigners think that China people's legs are called drumsticks. He passed a stationery store and saw an eraser as big as a car inside. He asked, "What's that? The boss said, "that's an eraser." "Foreigners think that China people's cars are called erasers. He passed another hotel and saw a man and a woman quarreling. The man said, "* *!" The woman said, "Fuck you! "Foreigners think: China people call you Niang; This woman's name is * * *. Later, he saw a car accident. A man's car hit a woman's car, and the woman's feet were bleeding in Shanghai. He called the police like this: "At the intersection of xx Street, your mother's car hit a * * *. A lot of ketchup spilled on the chicken leg that was hit ... "