Who can provide 30 jokes suitable for filming?

Friends, according to your needs, choose the following for your reference. Thanks!

There was a child selling tofu who always thought that a nun was a monk’s wife. One day, a nun went to buy tofu.

The child called her "the monk's wife." This made the nun so angry that she left without giving her any money.

The child cried while sitting on the floor. At this time, a monk happened to be passing by. The child stepped forward and grabbed him and said, "Your wife won't give you money to buy tofu!"

The monk said, "Where do I have a wife?" "It's that nun." If you call her Auntie, she will give you the money."

The child happily went to the nun and said, "Auntie, please give me the tofu money."

Nun. Seeing that the child no longer called her "monk's wife", she was happy to give her the money and asked, "Who told you to call her that?"

Child: "Uncle."

█Do you remember when we ate roast duck together? You like to eat duck butts. As soon as the food was served, you grabbed it and stuffed it into your mouth like an arrow. I whispered: "Why can't you see the duck butts?", you pointed to your mouth proudly and said: "The butt is here!"

█Beijingers, Frenchmen, and Americans were walking in the desert together and were about to die of thirst. Suddenly the three of them found a magic lamp and touched it out. I can fulfill three wishes for each of you." The American said first, "I want a box of dollars." "There are two more." "Well, another box of dollars." "The last one." "Well, the last one is for me." Go back to the United States." Phew, the Americans disappeared, and the French were also anxious. "I want a beautiful woman" came "Well, I want another beautiful woman" and "There is another one" and "Well, send me back to France." Phew, the Frenchman disappeared too, and only the Beijinger was left. He said calmly, "Give me a bottle of Erguotou," "I have two more wishes," "Another bottle of Erguotou," and "There's one more." The Beijinger looked at it, There was no point in drinking two bottles of wine alone, so he said, "Bring them back together and drink with me." Phew, the Americans and the French are back.

So the three people continued walking, but with luck, they found another magic lamp and took out another magic lamp. "Haha, I am the younger brother of the magic lamp just now. My magic It's not that high, I can only fulfill two wishes for each of you." This time the French and Americans thought that it was useless to say anything and they would die if they let him back again. They asked him to speak first, so they sent Beijing Pushed to the front, the Beijinger said, "Give me a bottle of Erguotou first." Boom, a bottle of Red Star Erguotou, "Where is the other one?" Beijing held the wine and touched his head and thought for a while. He didn't say anything for a long time. The French and Americans were both anxious and urged him, "Speak quickly." So The Beijinger suddenly said, "Well, I don't have anything else to do, you can go back." With a "boo", the gods and demons were gone

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruits.

He announced: "Children, after picking the fruits, We all wash together, and we can eat together after washing.”

All the children ran to pick fruits.

When the gathering time came, all the children gathered.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what did you pick?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples, because I picked apples."

Teacher : "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I am washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are all great! Then Amin What about you?"

A Ming: "I'm washing my shoes because I stepped in poop."

Little Wang especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird market and found a parrot selling for 30,000 yuan.

He was very curious, so he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive?

Buyer: My parrot is smart! Can say anything.

When Xiao Wang heard that it was so smart, he heartlessly bought it.

He was very happy when he got home in the evening. Just play with the parrot.

Xiao Wang: I can walk

Parrot: I can walk

Xiao Wang: I can run

Parrot: I can run

Xiao Wang: I can fly

Parrot: You brag!

I am a psychopath (joke collection)

█(1)

A patient came to a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always feel like I am a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that’s serious. When did it start?

Patient: Since I was a little bird...

█(2)

A doctor at a mental hospital asked the patient: If I What would you do if you cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to hear it.

The doctor heard: Yes, it’s normal.

The doctor asked again: What would happen to you if I cut off your other ear?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to see it.

The doctor became nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient answered: Because the glasses will fall off.

█(3)

Two mental patients escaped from the hospital.

The two ran and ran and climbed up a tree.

One of the people jumped down from the tree and rolled.

Then he raised his head and said to the person above: Hey, why don’t you come down?

The man above answered him: No--ok--ah--I'm not familiar with it yet...

█(4)

There is a doctor in the mental hospital An old lady, wearing black clothes and holding a black umbrella, squatted at the door of the mental hospital every day.

The doctor thought: To heal her, we must start by understanding her.

So the doctor also wore black clothes, held a black umbrella, and squatted there with her.

The two squatted in silence for a month, and the old lady finally spoke to the doctor: Excuse me, are you also a mushroom?

Are you a mushroom?

█(5)

A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director convened a meeting with the patients. At the meeting, the dean said:

"This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome, all

There are patients standing on both sides of the hospital entrance. When I cough, everyone claps together, the more enthusiastically the better; when I stamp my feet, they all must stop, and no one can make a mistake. Everyone is ready. We can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. If one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember? "

The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"

That afternoon, the leader arrived on time.

When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door.

At this time, as the director coughed, all the patients clapped and welcomed him, and the atmosphere was very warm.

The visiting leaders were infected by the warm atmosphere and walked into the hospital with smiles on their faces and applause with everyone.

Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the director stamped his foot and all the applause stopped, very neatly.

Only this leader continued to move forward with a smile and applause. The dean was very satisfied.

Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger sprang out from the welcoming crowd, strode up to the leader, swung it round and gave him a big slap in the face

He shouted angrily: "You don't want to eat steamed buns anymore?"

An old farmer went to live with his son in the city for a few days. The old man had the habit of shopping in the morning, and his son was afraid that the old man would get lost, so he treated him Dad said: "Dad, if you get lost, just take a taxi and tell the driver that the address is ******." The old farmer asked: "There are so many cars on the road, how do I know which one is the taxi?" The son replied: "The car is It’s the one with a horizontal sign on the top.” The old farmer wrote it down. An hour later, the old farmer came back and said to his son: "City people are very particular. They don't want to pay the driver for taking a taxi." The son couldn't think of it, so he looked downstairs and saw a police car driving in the distance.

There once was a rich man who had to give his servants names whenever they gave birth to children. He would give them whatever names he was doing.

Once, his servant gave birth to a child. He was defecating, so he named him Butt. Later, when his wife gave birth to a child, he was shaving his head, so he named him Guan.

Later, the servant’s child died. From then on, every time the servant saw the rich man's child, he cried sadly. The rich man was very surprised and asked the servant why he was crying. The servant said: "Every time I see the master's child, I think that if my butt is still there, it will be as big as the master's head!"

█ A Gan Su and a Northeasterner went out to buy instant noodles. When they arrived at the store, the Northeasterner said, "What kind of flavor does it have? Just beef." "Gansu people asked: What does 'whole' mean?" People from the Northeast said it means "eat"

The next day, they went to the toilet together, but unexpectedly, the toilet was blocked. The people from the Northeast said helplessly: How can this be done! The Gansu man immediately started vomiting.

█One day a couple went to play in the mountains!

Unfortunately, they were caught by savages. !

The savage said: If you can eat each other’s shit, I will let you go. !

The couple did it.

On the way back,

The woman cried, and the man asked him why you were crying.

The woman said, dear; you don’t love me anymore, I So sad.

The man didn’t understand the woman. Why do you say that, dear?

The woman said that if you loved me,

you wouldn’t poop so much

█The dialect of Tianjin is sometimes misunderstood. If you don’t believe me, just take a look. One day, an exam was being held in a primary school in Tianjin. The students opened the door to plagiarism! The invigilator got angry and said: Wow~! You are so awesome! They're all in the grass! Aren't you going to be lazy? Ah`~~~~~when is it! Are you still stupid? The front grasses the back, and the back grasses the front. Men and women. ah! ! ! Won't those of you who are well-educated stop letting other men have sex? ~~Oops~ At this time, the teacher found that a student was answering the questions well. Then he asked: Hey, why don’t you care? What’s your name? The student replied: Teacher, my name is Yang Wei!

█Don’t say the wrong thing at the critical moment

One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout in your heart If you want something, then jump into the valley, and you will get what you want in the valley. So the three of them decided to give it a try.

The first one was a pervert, so he yelled "Woman!! Woman!!" When he jumped down, there were a lot of beauties waiting for him...

The second one was a nerd, shouting "Books, books, books, books!!!!" Then, he jumped into the valley and got a pit full of books...

The third one was an indecisive person. After thinking about it, he couldn't decide what he loved most. After an hour, he finally made up his mind and felt that banknotes were the most useful, so he walked to the edge of the valley... and accidentally kicked a stone. He cursed "Shit!!" Unexpectedly, he lost his balance and fell down the valley...

Teacher █: "You are finally here! Why didn't you come to class yesterday?"

Student: "Because ..Because, my mother fell down the stairs..."

Teacher: "Oh! That's why you didn't come because my mother was injured."

Student: "No. ..My dad was injured..."

Teacher: "Why was your dad injured when your mom fell down the stairs?"

Student: "Because...my dad was outside?" There are women..."

Teacher: "What?...What does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs?"

Student: "Because they were fighting...my mother?" It’s okay. My dad was injured by my mom.”

Teacher: “Oh... so you didn’t come to class because you sent dad to the hospital?”

Student: “No. ..A woman from outside sent my dad there.”

Teacher: “Then why didn’t you come to class?”

Student: “Because I overslept..”

Teacher: "What does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs!?"

Student: "No, I...I just mentioned it by the way.."

█I have always been careless and forgetful, so my family always tries to remind me.

The day before yesterday, when I just entered the house, I found a one hundred yuan bill on the table in the living room.

I usually don’t have much pocket money. Could it be that this time my mother showed mercy and gave me a hundred yuan pocket money?

I couldn't help but feel happy...

But when I picked up the one hundred dollar bill, I found a note underneath.

It says: "Today is grandma's birthday. Wait for me at home and we will go to celebrate grandma's birthday together.

Attention! The one hundred yuan is not for you; It caught your attention, please put it back where it belongs!"

█ Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who made a private vow for life, but the boy needed to serve in the military, so he made a vow with the girl.

I bought a girl a diamond ring and promised to meet the girl three years later. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring.

Finally, three years have passed, and the girl has been She was so sad that she was waiting for the boy, but she couldn't. In despair, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and left. However, the boy had actually been waiting for the girl, but the girl misunderstood The date place,

So it became a regret forever. The boy was heartbroken... A few years later, the boy went fishing, and guess what he caught?

rice cakes ~~!

█ An American, a Japanese and a Chinese were exploring in the jungle, but they were all captured by a cannibal tribe. But the chief of the tribe said: "I am in a good mood today and will not eat you. But you all have to suffer." One hundred boards. But before you take the board, you can have one wish come true. "The American was the one who took the board first. He said: "Before you take the board, put 10 cushions on my butt." After that, the boards fell like raindrops. The previous 70 boards were just fine after the 70 boards. The cushions were smashed, and then there was blood everywhere... After the beating, the Americans walked away touching their buttocks. After seeing this, the Japanese asked for 10 mattresses, 1, 2, 3... 100 for the beating! The Japanese got up, patted their butts, and said it was fine. Then they boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate, and wanted to sit back and watch the Chinese show.

The Chinese slowly lay down and said leisurely: "Here, put the Japanese on my back...

One day I came back from the barber shop pretending to be cool. When I opened the door, all the girls exclaimed: " Cool guy is here! "I scratched my head in embarrassment: "Where! where! Just a cool haircut. "It happened that the principal walked by and said seriously: "You have to hand it over even if you pick up some trousers!" "Our brains are all over the place!!!!!!!!! Fortunately, it's nothing. I walked to the dormitory and walked downstairs from the girls' dormitory. I saw a friend and boasted loudly, "Look, I got a haircut." Cool. A girl on the second floor immediately raised her head and said, "You picked my pants!"

There are two lovers in Beijing. A drinking maintenance worker. One day, the two of them got drunk while working the night shift, but they didn’t have any alcohol with them and there were no stores nearby.

“I heard that jet fuel is the same as liquor, so we drink it. Just a little bit. "One person suggested.

So the two men took out the fuel from the jet tank and got drunk.

The next day, one of them woke up and was surprised to find Unlike usual drinking, he didn't have a headache or nausea. At this time, the phone rang and he picked up the phone.

"Hey! Are you okay? "It was the voice of another maintenance worker.

"It's okay, don't tell me, the jet fuel is really good. I don't have a headache or nausea. ”

“Me too, but...” “But what?” ”

“Have you farted since you got up? "

"No. ”

“Then be careful, I’m in Hainan Island now. "

█A German, a Frenchman, and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is an American. He said to the German: "You have a good physique. Responsible for the coolies."

To the French: "You said you are an engineer, and you are responsible for the mining plan."

To the Japanese, he said: "You are very thin. You Responsible for supplies"

Then they started working the next week.

A few days later, the Germans and French discovered that the Japanese were missing. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work.

When the Germans started working, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"Surprise!"

I don’t know how many there are, that’s all. Thanks!