Jianyi international humor show

1. Four priests of Tang flew to travel, and the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.

Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Priest: OK, here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?

Friar Sand: One.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Bajie on the side is so happy, such a simple question.

Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

....

Bajie jumped down.

Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.

They went on answering questions.

Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Priest: OK. Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?

Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?

..... Bajie had to jump again.

The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.

Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.

Then jump.

Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time.

Lifeguard: "I've been paying attention to you for a long time. You can't pee in the swimming pool!" " "

Barry: "but everyone pees in the swimming pool!" " "

Lifeguard: "but no one stands on the platform like you!" " "

3. Two men meet.

Mr. A said to Mr. B, "I heard that your wife is losing weight?"

Mr. B replied, "She joined the equestrian club."

Mr. A asked, "What's the effect?"

Mr. B said, "The horse has lost 20 Jin."

4. A lady went to the grocery store to buy a chicken, and the salesman picked up a chicken and weighed it, saying, "1 USD 60 cents!" "

"It's too small," said the lady. "Can you choose a bigger one for me?"

But this is the last chicken, so the salesman went into the back warehouse, hit and hit, stretched the chicken's neck, and then came out and quickly passed the scale. "Well, this chicken is 2 dollars 15 cents."

"Great." The wife who bought the chicken said, "I want both chickens, please wrap them up."

When I went to the grocery store to buy things, I saw that the eggs were as small as table tennis, and I couldn't help complaining to the proprietress: "One yuan for such a small egg is too expensive."

The proprietress kindly said to me, "madam, I don't want to earn more money to let the hen die in childbirth!" " "

6. Xiao Gan is a beautiful and moving woman, but her digestive system is not very good, so she often farts. On this day, Xiao Gan farted on the bus again ... Liang Xiao, a classmate standing next to her, immediately said, "Sorry, I farted just now", which immediately won Xiao Gan's grateful eyes.

However, after a while, Xiao Gan came to another ... Another classmate Xiao Jiang went on to say, "I'll put that. I am really sorry! " "Also grateful to look at the ginger.

However, she couldn't help playing it super loud.

7. Crowding buses all day is crowded with people. Because I might have to go back to work to cook dinner, the female compatriots pushed hard, and the conductor kept saying, deeper … deeper … deeper …

A thin male compatriot was badly squeezed and finally broke out! Shout: "Don't squeeze ... whose is it to squeeze the child out?"

Suddenly a coax.

The conductor's little girl blushed at once and told the driver to close the door at once!

8. A man walked into a drugstore and said to the fat boss, "Please give me a pint of castor oil."

The fat boss then moved out an aluminum ladder, climbed into the storage room above, opened the door, picked up a big bucket of oil and poured it into the glass bottle, closed the door, then climbed down the aluminum ladder and handed the bottle to the customer. The customer left with satisfaction.

After a while, another guest walked into the drugstore and asked for a pint of castor oil. The fat boss looked at the top, climbed the aluminum ladder again, poured the oil, and panted and handed the oil to the customer. Then the third man walked into the pharmacy. The fat boss asked, "Do you also want a pint of castor oil?" The customer shook his head. The fat boss said; "Just a moment, please." Just climb the aluminum ladder, close the door of the storage room, then climb down the ladder, put it away, and easily say, "OK, now you can tell me what you want."

"Half a pint of castor oil, boss."

9. Once upon a time, there was a paratrooper who was inexperienced and timid. One night, when he finished his task, he installed many shiny light bulbs on himself in order to let people on land see him, but the fool happened to fall into someone else's yard. The owner of the yard is an old woman in her sixties. After hearing the sound, she opened the door to see what had happened. When the paratrooper saw someone open the door, he dragged the light bulb all over the floor and asked the lady politely, "Excuse me, madam." Excuse me, where am I? The woman huddled up and looked at him and said in a trembling voice, "Earth … Earth …"

10. One day, elephants and camels were chatting together. The camel asked the elephant, why are you so big? The elephant said, "I don't talk to people whose grandmothers grow on their backs." Then the elephant asked the camel, "why are you so small?" The camel said, "I don't talk to people with dicks on their faces!" " "

1 1. Elephants fart, guess the name of a song? Rabbit said: I know, it's Zhao Wei's bell (I really want to think about it). This is the tortoise running out and saying, Mom knows tick-tock, and I thought it was a power train!

12.a raised a parrot, taught it to talk, and taught it to hold its left foot to say thank you and its right foot to say hello. One day, B visited A's house and found a parrot, clutching its left foot. The parrot said, thank you. The parrot raised his right foot again and said, Hello. B it feels good. I thought, what will happen to it if I catch both its feet at the same time? He stretched out his hands and hugged the parrot's feet, only to hear the parrot shout, Are you going to fucking knock me down?

13. Xiao Lv asked the old donkey: Why do we eat hay every day? The old donkey sighed: We can't compete with others. We eat by running errands and others eat by their breasts!

14. When a group of animals swam into the sea, the ship suddenly broke down and was overloaded. We should throw away something to reduce the weight, or it will sink. At this time, an animal suggested that all animals tell a joke. If one animal doesn't find it funny, throw it into the sea. The sheep said first, and then everyone laughed except the pig, and the sheep was thrown into the sea. Then the cow told a joke. When the cow finished, everyone didn't laugh, but the pig laughed. Everyone inexplicably asked the pig: What are you laughing at? It replied: I finally figured out why the jokes told by the sheep are funny.

15. One day, Reid met Mr. and Mrs. Hank in the street. Reed asked, "Hank, what happened to the clinic where you went to treat amnesia last month?"

"Great," Hank replied. "The doctor there taught me a set of the most advanced mnemonics. I am very different now! "

"Great!" Li Dexing said excitedly, "What's the name of that clinic?"

"Call …" Hank thought for a long time, but he couldn't remember. Suddenly he patted his forehead and asked Reid, "What's the name of that prickly flower?"

"You mean roses?"

"Yes, it's a rose!"

Later, Hank turned to his wife and asked, "Ross, tell me the name of the clinic I went to last month?"

"Doctor, I always have the same nightmare recently. What's wrong? " The doctor said, "What dream did you have?" The patient said, "I always dreamed that I came to a door, so I pushed and pushed, but I just couldn't open it!" " ""What's on the door? "The doctor asked eagerly." There is a word "pull" ...

16. Two seriously injured people are chatting in the ward.

A man said, "I'm really unlucky." I went for a drive in my new car yesterday, and I am proud of it. Suddenly I saw a sign in front of the road, which said something. It's too far to see clearly. I drove there quickly, and when I saw it, I saw the sign saying: There is a ditch ahead, please go around. However, I haven't reacted yet after reading it, and even people and cars have fallen. "

At this point, he paused and asked, "Dude, why are you so hurt?" What happened to your injury? "

The man suddenly gave him a hard stare and said, "What's the matter? Laozi is digging a ditch! "

17. The doctor said to the patient, "The most important thing is that you eat more fruits, especially peels, which are rich in vitamins. Oh, what's your favorite fruit? "

The patient said with a bitter face, "Coconut."

18. New nurses in mental hospitals. This woman is new here. When she saw a patient in the hospital circling around an ancient well, she read: "13, 13, ..." The little nurse was very surprised. She couldn't figure out what this "13" meant, and it kept going. She always wanted to go forward and ask the truth, but she was afraid of the patient's attack and never dared.

One day, the little nurse finally lost her curiosity, walked slowly to the patient and looked into the well with her probe. Suddenly, the patient hugged the nurse's leg, threw it down and began to read: "14, 14, ..."

19. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

20. Bad news: A pilot fell off the plane.

Good news: He brought a parachute.

Bad news: the parachute is broken.

Good news: There is a haystack below.

Bad news: There is a dung fork on the haystack.

Good news: he didn't fall on the dung fork.

Bad news: He didn't fall on the haystack either.

2 1. Tortoise and rabbit race ... The rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

22. Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a Merlin nearby. It may be just a short journey.

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

23. American: Have you ever seen a cup made of wood?

China: No!

American: Then why is the Chinese character "cup" beside the wooden character?

China people: Isn't there a word "no" next to the word "cup"? In other words, it is not made of wood.

24. There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pull out his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

25. One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital to see a doctor and said to the doctor, "I pull everything I eat, eat watermelon and pull cucumber!" "

The doctor thought about it and said to him, "I think you have to eat shit!" " "

26. The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

27. There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "

Guess what the polar bear said when he opened the door? ..... "Let's go to your house to play ~"

Hehe, sorry, it's all copied.