Are there any new jokes?

1 me: I want a vegetable bag and a meat bag.

Aunt: What do you want?

Me: a vegetable bag, a meat bag!

Aunt: Two vegetable bags?

Me: a vegetable bag, a meat bag! ! !

Aunt: Two meat buns?

Me: a vegetable bag, a meat bag! ! ! ! !

Aunt: Or two vegetable bags?

Me: OK, just two vegetable bags. ...

Take a bite back ... two meat buns ... I fainted on the spot. ...

3. Me: Auntie, why did you hit me fifty cents more?

Aunt: What? Then you put the card on it.

I was naive and kind, and put my campus card on it. ...

Aunt was cruel and hit me 50 cents again! ! ! ! !

1. Ghost: God, next time I want to be as white as an angel with wings, but I still want to suck blood.

God: Then reincarnate as a nurse.

Ants and elephants died soon after they got married. While burying the elephant, the ant wept bitterly: "Dear, why did you leave so early?" I will bury you if I don't do anything else in my life! " "

Your boy has a crush on a girl, so you have the courage to ask her what kind of boy she likes.

"Like-minded" girls answered, and even asked several times, it was the same answer.

The boy was very discouraged and said, "Can you have a flat head?" .

One day, I was out of breath to catch the last bus and shouted: Master! Master, wait for me ~

Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me slowly, Wukong, stop chasing.

6. One day I had a physical examination, and one of the questions was to guess the name of a bird by looking at its legs. A student really couldn't understand it, so he tore up the paper in a rage and was ready to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, "What class are you in? What's your name? " A student lifted his trousers and said, "Guess, guess."

9. A person saw a pile of things on the road, squatted down and smelled it, said it might be poop, touched it with his hand and licked it in his mouth. It was really poop, but fortunately he didn't step on it! ~

10. The doctor asked the patient how the fracture happened. A: I feel sand in my shoes, so I shake my shoes with a telephone pole. I shook and shook ... a man thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two.

1 1. A professor is giving a lecture on the spot: "Don't be afraid of being dirty in scientific research. . . "Then he squatted down, poked the cow dung on the ground with his finger, and then put his finger in his mouth and licked it clean. A classmate quickly said, "I'm not afraid of being dirty." . . "Then I poked the cow dung on the ground with my finger and licked it in my mouth. Professor: "Besides, I should be good at observation. I just poked dung with my middle finger, but I licked my index finger. . . "

12. In a public toilet, Mr. A was constipated and couldn't pull it out for a long time. Then another man, Mr. B, rushed in, just squatted down and pulled happily. After listening, Mr. A said, "Dude, I really envy you. You are so happy." Mr. B said, "What is there to envy? I haven't taken off my pants yet ... "

13. A gentleman was practicing riding a bike when a pedestrian came up to him. A gentleman panicked and shouted, "Stop! Stop! " The pedestrians stopped in a daze. But a gentleman rode so badly that he knocked down a pedestrian. Pedestrians got up and got angry: "You told me to stop! You have a good aim, don't you! "

15. There was an accident on the expressway-the tortoise trampled the cow to death. The police are investigating the cause of the accident and say, snail: How did the tortoise hit you? The lying cow in plaster recalled sadly: I don't remember, he was too fast!

17. My colleague's daughter is a little beauty embryo. When she comes back from kindergarten, her mother often asks her, "Beauty, did anyone call you that today?" The little girl sighed: "I guess they see me too much, so they think I'm not beautiful."

18. A couple gave birth to a little boy after contraceptive failure. When the baby was born, he clenched his fist and kept laughing. The nurse broke his fist and found birth control pills in it. Then the little boy said, "It's not that easy for you two to kill me, hahahaha ... 19. Two people went to the mountain to play, and one was not careful. I only heard the person who fell answer "I don't know, I'm still falling ~ ~ ~".

22. The two brothers were chased by the tiger, and the younger brother really couldn't run, so he said, "Brother, let's stop running and kill this beast." The eldest brother said, "Don't talk nonsense, I can't run, just run past you."

23. Noodles were beaten by steamed bread. I asked my cousin for instant noodles for revenge. When I saw the bean bag, the instant noodles were beaten to pieces. When I came back, I said to the noodles, don't worry, I beat the shit out of it.

24. A fashionable woman got on the bus and saw that the seat was empty, so she took out a tissue and wiped it for a while. She was just about to sit down and fart. A man next to her smiled and said, "I'm Kao Hua. I'm so fucking clean. I have to blow it after I wipe it."

26. In junior high school, a math teacher talked about equation transformation. On the podium, he rolled up his sleeves and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……

27. A judge squinted and tried three suspects, A, B and C, in one day.

The judge said to A, "Did you steal it?"

A: "No"

The judge was furious: "I didn't ask you."

"I didn't say anything either," C said.

28. On the plane, the crow said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water", and the pig said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water, too!" After hearing this, the stewardess threw the crow and the pig out of the plane together. The crow smiled and said to the pig, "Don't be silly, I can fly ~ ~ ~"

29. A rabbit walked into a shop and asked the boss, Do you sell carrots here? The wife said: no, after a while, the rabbit asked again, do you sell carrots here? The boss impatiently said no! After a while, the rabbit asked again, and the boss finally couldn't bear it: if you make trouble again, I'll cut your ear off with scissors!

After a while, the rabbit came again: Do you sell scissors here? The boss said: No. Rabbit asks again: Do you sell carrots here?

3 1. A king wanted to marry a princess and put an apple on her head. Whoever wants to shoot will have a chance to marry the princess.

The first man shot the apple and said, "I'm Robin."

The second man also shot the apple. He said, "I am Hou Yi."

The third man accidentally shot the princess. He said, "I'm sorry ..."

32. Someone was practicing in a mental hospital, and suddenly a psycho came after him with a kitchen knife. The man turned his head and ran until he reached a dead end, thinking it was over. The patient said, here's the knife. It's your turn to chase me.

A new sculpture was built in a school-a girl holding a book in her left hand and a pigeon in her right hand. The school leaders openly call the students names in the school. There was an endless stream of replies, and one of them was the loudest: reading is the best use.

38. The little white rabbit goes to the bakery: Boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: No, the little white rabbit came again the next day: Boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: Sorry, there isn't.

On the third day, the white rabbit came in: Boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: I'm sorry, but I still don't have it.

The fourth day, the little white rabbit came skipping: boss, are there a hundred steamed buns? Boss: Great! There are a hundred steamed buns today ~!

White Rabbit: Great! Give me two! .

40. A man and a tiger are tied to two trees respectively. There is a candle under the rope that tied the tiger, and the rope is almost burned out. If the rope is burned, the tiger will eat the man. As a result, the man said a word and was not eaten by the tiger.

He said, "Happy birthday! ! "The tiger blew out the candle. ...

42. The girl asked her boyfriend, "What do you like about me?"

Boyfriend is stuck. "I, I, I, I like you to stay away from me."

43. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, caught nothing and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but found nothing and went home.

On the third day, the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, and a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit, if you dare to use carrots as bait again, I will kill you!

44. A gentleman was afraid to open his eyes when flying for the first time. 15 minutes later, he opened his eyes, looked out of the window and shouted, "Oh, it's so high, people are like ants!"

The neighbor said, "That's an ant. The plane has not taken off yet. "

45. My girlfriend texted me: "Let's break up!"

After a while, I received another message: "Sorry, I sent it wrong! ! "

46. Sanmao went to the hair salon to do her hair, and said to the stylist, braid my hair. The stylist accidentally dropped a San Mao's hair. San Mao said with a sigh, then divide it. But the stylist accidentally lost his root again. Sanmao saw the fire: Do you want me to have long hair?

49. A mental patient was writing something, and the doctor asked, "What should I write?"

"Write a letter."

"To whom?"

"me."

"What does it say?"

"Idiot, I didn't receive how do you know! ? "

50 topics: Among them

Children: I hurt my left foot.

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede?

Title: One after another.

Child: After work, Dad goes home one after another.

Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have?

Theme: sadness

Child: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is really sad.

Teacher's comment: The teacher is even sadder.

Title: Once again

Child: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Teacher's comment: Is your mother a deformed diamond?

Title: Look.

Children: What are you looking at? Never seen it?

Teacher's comment: Don't procrastinate too much.

Title: Prosperity.

Children write: bustling confession.

Teacher's comment: Don't watch too many series!

Theme: Delicious

Children write: delicious fart.

Teacher: .........

Title: Innocent.

The child wrote: It's really hot today.

Teacher's comment: You are so naive.

Title: Sure enough

The children said: I ate fruit yesterday. Then I drank cold water.

Theme: ... first, then ... Example: eat first, then take a bath.

Children: Goodbye, sir.

Title: In addition,

Child: A train passes by, besides, besides.

Teacher's comment: forget it if I die.

1 Where do users like to turn off their phones?

Ningbo

Because someone said: Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is power off. . .

2. Which two kinds of vegetables use mobile phones? Radish cabbage

3. Who does Phelps admire most from China?

Ba Jin

One day, eggplant was walking in the street and suddenly sneezed a lot. It wiped its nose and said angrily, "It's taking a photo again!" "

5. The old leader lamented:

How happy you are,

Missing is everywhere,

I was on a business trip then. Not only did I not miss,

When I came back, the family of seven people crowded together.

Want to make out?

Sprinkle some sugar outside the door,

Shout again:

"Children, let me hold your mother and grab candy! ! ! "

6. Where do mobile phone users like to go best?

Jilin Tonghua

Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is busy.

8. One day, a coffee cup and a glass were walking on the road at the same time. Suddenly someone shouted from behind: "Look out, there is a car!" " "

As a result, the glass was crushed . . Coffee cup is very good. Why?

Because coffee cups have ears, but glasses don't.

9. What is your annual salary?

B: Eight million.

A: There were 800,000 that month.

Yes, this is the basic salary.

A: Not bad. What do you do?

B: Dreaming.

10. What's your last name?

My name is Wei.

Wei what?

Why not? My father's surname is Wei, so my surname is Wei ~

1 1. In front of a Lanzhou Lamian Noodles,

"Boss, pull the noodles!"

"If you dare to eat, I will dare to pull!"

13. A child and his father went to the public bathhouse to take a bath. Because the ground was wet, the little guy slipped. In desperation, he grabbed his father's penis and didn't slip. But it hurt his father. His father scolded, "Son of a bitch, if you come with your mother, you will be killed."

14. A male deer ran faster and faster on the road and finally became a high-speed male deer.

A cautious male deer ran faster and faster on the road, and finally became a cautious high-speed male deer.

15 .. cars can fly.

Guess a drink ....

coffee ...

Because ... (car)-(plane)

17.26 letters How many letters are left after E and T are removed?

2 1, because ET was taken away by UFO.

How many brothers does Aladdin have?

Three, Ala Jia, Ala Bing and Ala B.

20. Grandpa said to his grandson: Do you know that the fourteen books written by Jin Yong can be connected into a couplet? Flying snow shoots at the White Deer Plain, laughing at the man of God leaning on Bi Yuan 'an!

Sun Tzu said disdainfully, do you know that seven books written by JK Rowling can be connected into one sentence? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

22. A woman and her children are eating in a fancy restaurant. At this time, she lifted her clothes to breast-feed the child, but was stopped by the waiter. Why?

Because it says outside the restaurant: take-out is not allowed in this restaurant ~ ~ ~

25. On the Da Vinci code, there is a Da Vinci account.

Do you know what's under the da Vinci code?

This is Leonardo da Vinci's verification code

What's the difference between jumping on the twentieth floor and jumping on the second floor? Twentieth floor: ah, ah, ah, ah ~ pa Second floor: pa ~ ah, ah, ah.

26. Who is the fiercest in fairy tales? Little red riding hood ... because her grandmother was eaten by a wolf ... 28. Why can't she tell cold jokes at the seaside? Because it will make the sea laugh (scream)

29. The father told his son a story: Once upon a time, there was a frog …

Son: Do you have any restricted classes?

Father: shh ~ keep your voice down so that mom can't hear you. Once upon a time, there was a frog with no clothes on …

The elephant asked the camel. Why do your breasts grow on your back? ..

The camel looked at the elephant and said, Stay away! I don't talk to people with JJ faces!

32. "Is my avatar awesome?" "like"

3. One day, Mung Bean broke up with his girlfriend. He was very sad, so he kept crying, crying, crying ... and finally ... sprouted.

34. There is a couple in the park, which is very sweet. Girl says husband: I have a toothache ~ ~! The boy then kissed the girl and asked, Does it still hurt? The girl said no! After a while, the girl coquetry said: Husband, my neck hurts! The boy kissed the girl's neck again and asked if it still hurts this time. The girl said happily: it doesn't hurt! An old lady stood by and watched for a long time, but there was nothing she could do. She stepped forward and asked the young man, young man, you are really something. Can you treat hemorrhoids?

Do you know what people who go to Tianya like to drink best? Snow beer. Watch CCTV advertisement: Snow Beer, Brave for the World!

38. Do you know which one is related to all human activities and the whole nature? That man is Xixi. Because all human activities are related to the whole nature.

4 1. Why do Haier brothers only wear underwear? No q coins

42. The passenger ship passed a desert island.

Far away, I saw a man on the island wearing a hide and a beard.

He screamed and waved, and the tourist asked who the captain was.

The captain said impatiently, I don't know. Every year when our ship passes by here, he will go crazy!

43. At dusk, I jog on the road.

A young man ran up from behind me and shouted into my ear, "Run!" " "

"What's the matter?" I asked the young man next to me.

"Run." The young man ran ahead of me.

After chasing 500 meters quickly, I panted and asked, "What's the matter?"

"You run too slowly." The young man left me and ran away.

45. Sichuanese should see a small animal before eating spicy food, and then they are not afraid of spicy food. What small animal is it?

cockroach

Because I see cockroaches are not afraid of spicy ~

47. Bears and rabbits shit in the forest.

Finally, the bear thought about it.

Ask the rabbit: "Does it matter if the hair touches the stool?"

The rabbit replied, "Never mind!"

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass.

5 1. Who is love? Eskimo

53. One day, the teacher asked Xiaoming, "Xiaoming, do you know what 8X2 is?"

Xiaoming shook his head.

The teacher said, then go home and ask your parents or brothers and uncles.

Xiao Ming went home and asked his father, "Dad, how much is 8X2?"

It happened that his father was playing mahjong and said, "Nine drums!"

Xiao Ming went to ask his mother, "Mom, how much is 8X2?" His mother is practicing songs and singing: "Chairman Mao ~"

Xiao Ming ran to ask his brother, "Brother, how much is 8X2?" His brother was taking a bath and said, "How cool!"

He ran to ask his uncle, "Uncle, how much is 8X2?" His uncle is talking to his wife on the phone and says, "wife, I'll wait for you here."

The next day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "Xiao Ming, how much is 8X2?" "Nine tubes." "Who told you that?" Chairman Mao slapped Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming said, "How cool! The teacher asked Xiaoming to stand in the back. Xiao Ming said, "Wife, I'll wait for you here.

55. In Chinese class, the teacher writes "soft" on the blackboard and then lets everyone spell it. The boys shouted, it's too soft. The teacher said: boys' pronunciation is not standard, and girls shout: the days are too soft. The monitor corrected: the day is five nights-soft. The teacher was impatient and corrected severely: the correct spelling should be-

56. The primary school teacher is explaining the meaning of the word "milk" to the students: milk is a small meaning, such as squab and suckling pig, and Xiao Ming is asked to make sentences with the word "milk".

Xiaoming: Because the house price is too high now, my family can only afford 50 square meters of breasts.

Teacher Khan said, build another one.

Xiaoming: I'm too young to jump over a cleavage one meter wide.

Teacher Khan: Say to create another one.

Xiao Ming: I really can't think of it, teacher. My nipples are about to burst.

58. One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the stomach hospital and said to the doctor:

"I pull everything, eat watermelon and pull watermelon, eat cucumber and pull cucumber!"

The doctor wanted to think, said to him:

"I think you are going to eat shit!"

59. A pair of corn fell in love.

So they decided to get married.

Wedding anniversary

A corn can't find another corn.

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

Next, two pieces of steamed bread fell in love.

So they decided to get married.

Wedding anniversary

A steamed bun can't find another steamed bun.

The steamed bread asked the flower roll next to it: Have you seen our steamed bread?

62. Xiaohong asked: Do you use your right hand or your left hand to make coffee?

Xiaomei said: right hand

Xiaohong said: Oh, you are awesome. You are not afraid of scalding, just like I use a spoon.

63. The little snake asked Brother Snake in a panic .. "Brother, are we poisonous?" The snake said, "Why do you ask?" The little snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now."

66. Every time I see you wearing stockings ... I have an indescribable feeling in my heart, that is ... the radish is wrapped in plastic wrap!

67. Xiaoming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher: There are many ants in the toilet. The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming: What did ants say? Xiao Ming looked blank and said that the ant didn't say anything.

68. A lumberjack applied for a job.

Go to the Woods ahead and see ... see how many trees you can saw in a minute. .....

In a minute. ....

Foreman: Wow ... 20 trees a minute ... amazing ... where did you work before?

Worker: Sahara forest ......

Foreman: Never heard of it ... I only heard of the Sahara Desert. ......

Worker: yes ... then I changed my name!