Want to know some funny jokes or cold jokes

God said: henpecked wife stands on the left, not on the right. All the men stood on the left, but only one man stood on the right. God asked, aren't you afraid of your wife? The man replied: No! My wife told me not to run to crowded places.

Someone flew for the first time and looked down at the porthole excitedly and said to the stewardess, how high it is! People on the ground are like ants. A: it hasn't taken off yet. What you see is a real ant.

Stewardess: What would you like to drink? Passenger: No. Stewardess: It's free. Passenger: Huh? A glass of orange juice, a cup of coke, a cup of coffee, take out a bottle and pour some soy milk! I want to drink my plane ticket back.

One day, I had dinner with a friend and talked about basketball. I wanted to praise him: "Your performance in our unit is the best and very enjoyable, but you scored less." Ha ha laugh

I visited the art exhibition yesterday. To tell you the truth, the only thing I can see is your painting! Thank you very much What about other painters' paintings? A: I didn't read it at all! There are people in front of those paintings, so they can't squeeze in!

Several people are in the golf locker room. A cell phone rang for a long time, and a man pressed the hands-free button. Woman: Honey, are you in the club? M: Yes. W: I saw a BMW with less than 2 million. M: Yes. Woman: And that property has been put on the market again, 60,000 yuan. M: Yes. Woman: I love you so much. Man: I love you too. The people next to him were dumbfounded with envy. The man hung up and asked, whose mobile phone is this?

The boss asked Xiaohua, "What are you doing these two days? ! "Xiaohua said," I fell from the balcony on the third floor. " The boss said angrily, "Nonsense! Does it take two days to fall from the third floor? "

A beautiful young woman asked the fireman, "You must have worked hard to save me from danger, right?" "yes! I beat back three firefighters, and they all rushed to save you! "

There is a madhouse. One day, the dean wanted to see how many people had recovered. Ask the nurse to draw a door on the wall. I saw all the patients crashing into the wall crazily. The dean was disappointed. Suddenly he saw that only one patient was indifferent. The dean was very happy and ran to ask him, "don't you want to go out with them?" The patient replied, "these idiots, I have the key here!" "

In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "Where is my novel?" "Yes, but there are too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

Girl: I always thought your personality was exactly the same as when I was a child. Lover: Really? We are really made for each other. Girl: I used to lie when I was a child. Lover: …

47. A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by. A policeman came over: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know. I just arrived.

Zhou Xingxing: Well, why not? You, like me, are my beloved. "

Pretty chick: "Who? .."

Zhou Xingxing: "My mother. She always likes to ask questions. "

A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said, "I love you." The little girl said, "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said, "Of course, we are not one or two years old!" " "

On the Water-splashing Festival, everyone splashed water on each other to bless them. Suddenly a man swore: Shit, who the fuck threw me away? ! Others advised him: it is a blessing to dump you. The scolder roared: don't do this! What an idiot splashing boiling water! ! !

Your sense of humor

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Do you like my angel's face or the devil's figure?

M: I ... I like your sense of humor.

gift

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Xiao Chang asks his girlfriend that your birthday is coming. What gift should I give you?

My girlfriend wants jewelry, but she is too shy to say it. So he said, give me something to use on my hands, ears or neck.

So Xiao Chang gave his girlfriend a bar of soap as a gift.

suggestion

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The young man asked shyly, I dreamed of proposing to you last night. I don't know what it shows.

Girlfriend replied: This shows that you are smarter when you sleep than when you are awake.

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Let me do it.

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In the shade of a tree, a couple are hugging and kissing.

A doctor saw it and went over to the man and said, "You are so confused. You should put her flat on the ground for artificial respiration. Go away and let me do it. I am a doctor. "

The benefits of finding relatives

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Three men came to visit relatives at the same time, and the father of the woman to be married said to them, I can only let my daughter marry one of you, and each of you has his own advantages.

Man A: I have hundreds of thousands of possessions.

Man B: I have a mansion.

Man C: I have a child, and now it's in your daughter's belly.

That industry is more competitive.

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A beautiful girl is going to take the lawyer's license and study hard all day.

A male colleague saw it and teased her: the competition in the lawyer industry is fierce. You are so beautiful, you might as well find a good husband.

The girl gave him a white look and sighed: Alas-you don't know, that industry is more competitive!

Gold and kilogram class

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An aquatic product store employs temporary workers. A young man came to apply. The boss asked, "Do you know kilograms and kilograms?"

The young man said, "Of course I know. One kilogram equals two pounds, right? "

The boss said, "Yes. How many grams is that kilogram? "

The young man said without thinking, "900 grams."

The boss smiled and said, "That's a good answer. You can go to work now. "

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Woman: Let's break up. M: Why? W: The exam is over, so there is no need to grab a place in the library. M: Huh? You told me that I bought two train tickets for Spring Festival travel rush! Woman: Shit, people are joking with you. .

Before I knew it, it was past midnight 12, and my classmates offered to send me home.

I said humbly, "Don't send it, we are safe."

I thought my classmates would praise me and say, "I don't trust you because you are so beautiful." Unexpectedly, the man said slowly, "It's not night."

I yelled, "Can't you walk with your mobile phone close to your face?"

A new girlfriend asked me, "Your mother and I fell into the water. Who will you save first? "

I said, "I begged my mother to save you. When she was a child, she could swim twice on both sides of the Yangtze River. "

My girlfriend was a little unhappy and said, "Why don't you come down and save me?"

I said, "If I come down, you are hopeless, because I can't swim, and my mother will definitely save me first."

An old farmer went to the county seat to buy a mobile phone. When he entered the store, he asked, "How much is a catty of mobile phones?"

The shopkeeper secretly pleased, and such a fool? Too much trouble to quote one by one? The mob waved and said, "5000 kilograms, take whatever you want!"

The old farmer chooses a high-grade ultra-thin machine and weighs it, 220, 1000 yuan.

The shopkeeper regretted it and pushed his machine, but the old farmer dismissed it: "Want to cheat me as a junk dealer?" Those are obviously refurbished machines, and the configuration is not good. Even angry birds can't play! "

The manager made a hemorrhoids surgery, and his colleagues agreed to visit the hospital together. Seven or eight men and women came to the ward and giggled at the manager. No one is embarrassed to ask him about his illness.

I only heard the driver Lao Zhang cough twice and asked the manager seriously, "I heard there is something wrong with the chassis." Are you better now? "

She was called to a remote place by an unknown number. A black van blocked her retreat. A big man got off the car, pointed his finger at her chest and whispered, "Express delivery, please sign for it."

Oh, today's food is really rich, including braised beef, stewed chicken and mushrooms, ribs and seafood. Oh, so rich. Ahahahaha ... I don't even know which bag to soak. ...

Today, when I returned to work after my physical examination, Lao Zhang was very sad. He asked him what happened and said that my son didn't do well in the exam. Ask him how many points he got in the exam.

Lao Zhang said: the blood pressure in the three courses is not as high as that of Lao Zi.

& lt joke > Mother and daughter go to visit their daughter's boyfriend's art exhibition.

The mother found that the naked woman in one of the portraits looked like her daughter, so she asked, "You didn't paint him naked, did you?"

"Oh, no," the daughter replied. "He drew it from memory."

In order to get my husband's permission to buy a new coat, I deliberately tore off two buttons of the old coat, and then said to my husband, "How ugly the coat is without two buttons ..."

Before I finished, my husband said, "Well, we'll buy you the best tomorrow."

I said, "The best one must cost thousands. Just buy a few hundred pieces. "

The husband said in surprise, "What, two buttons cost hundreds?"? Impossible. "

The waiter said, "Oh, a diet meal!" "

"Then give me two diet meals!"

A: My ex-girlfriend is pregnant and asked me to lend me money for an abortion. Should I borrow it?

B: You tell her that Mercedes-Benz 4S shop doesn't repair BMW.

A customer bought a lot of things in a crowded supermarket. After loading, the clerk handed the shopping bag to the customer. At this moment, the bottom of the bag suddenly leaked, and the contents fell all over the floor, and customers complained. The shop assistant explained, "These shopping bags are not as strong as before. The previous shopping bags were leaked after people walked out of the supermarket! "

It was late at night, and the child began to cry while sleeping. Father decided to sing a lullaby to coax him. As a result, just after singing a few words, the next door protested: let the children cry!

The husband was very unhappy when he came home, and the wife asked with concern, "Did something go wrong?"

Husband: "I found 200 yuan money on the bus today."

Wife: "That should be happy!" "

Husband: "Another passenger saw it, too. I shared it with him ... "

Wife: "Then don't you still have 100 yuan?"

Husband: "I found out before I went home that the 200 yuan was actually lost by myself."

When taking the elevator, the man was surprised to find a naked woman in the elevator. The woman gave him a white, scold a way:

"What do you see? What is there to see! "

"oh! I just want to say that my wife has a leather coat like this. "

The rich man looked at the farmer sitting next to him and wanted to insult him. He said to the farmer, "Look at yourself. How far can you be from a donkey?"

The farmer looked at the rich man up and down, looked at the distance between them, and calmly replied, "It's near, right next to him."

One day, I took the high-speed train from Hangzhou to Shanghai and stopped for dozens of minutes. Then the conductor came to our carriage to explain the reason.

A passenger saw it and deliberately asked why the train didn't start.

The train explained that there was something wrong with the train. When the passenger saw it, he was very worried and said, what if the car behind you catches up if you don't drive? The passengers in the carriage all laughed! !

Husband said: my wife has changed, and trivial things as big as sesame seeds will linger all day and become more and more like my mother.

Today, I traveled to a place, and my boss invited me to eat a special dish (boiled eggs in urine). I tactfully excused myself from eating eggs since I was a child. As a result, my boss enthusiastically said, then you want soup!

Do you love me?

The wife asked her husband, "If I am crazy, will you still love me?"

The husband said firmly, "Love!"

The wife pondered for a while and said sadly, "You really love my appearance!" " "

psychotherapy

A man went to see a psychiatrist: "I really can't stand it!" " My wife is cheating on me! "

Psychologist: "Relax, how could I cheat on you?"

Man: "She goes to the bar every night and is interested in almost all men. I am going crazy! " "

Psychologist: "Don't get too excited! Tell me, where is this bar? "

We can finally be together.

The man said to his girlfriend ingratiatingly, "We can finally be alone together. I bought three movie tickets! " "

The girlfriend is curious: "Why buy three?" .

The man replied, "One for your father, one for your mother and one for your brother."

Hand in hand

Lao Wang: My wife and I have been married for 30 years, and we always hold hands in the street.

Xiao Wang: You have such a good relationship!

Lao Wang: As soon as I let go, she went shopping.

I just want to buy clothes when shopping.

I went shopping with my husband that day and passed a fashion shop. Seeing the clothes inside, I immediately wanted to go in and buy them.

I said to my husband, "The clothes in this room are really nice. Let's go in and have a look. "

Husband: "What are you going to visit?" The clothes in this shop are super expensive. Do you have money with you? "

I didn't have much money in my wallet and said, "No."

Husband: "Let's go, go in and have a look."

The teacher said to be a man.

Teacher: We should have a clear conscience when dealing with people. As the saying goes, come naked and remain uncorrupted.

Student: At least I have a skirt.

The feeling of being an emperor

At noon, I sat with a group of female colleagues.

A female colleague asked me, "How do you feel with so many beautiful women around you?"

I said, "I feel like an emperor!" "

The female colleague proudly said: "This feeling is right! Don't you think each of us is as beautiful as an imperial concubine? ! "

I smiled: "Well, Yang Guifei!"

Be fined by the traffic police

Driving to work with my buddies, I met the police at the intersection and was called by the police because I didn't wear my seat belt.

The police said that 50 yuan was fined for not wearing a seat belt. As soon as the buddy heard the fine, he explained to the police: "Comrade, I'm sorry, I forgot to wear my seat belt after drinking some wine at noon!" "

patriot

An China man was suddenly worried when he was visiting Britain.

He hurried to the public toilet to solve it, only to find a group of people watching him.

Only then did he realize that he had entered the ladies' room in a panic.

"I'm embarrassed! But you can't lose face to the people of China! "

He immediately put on a fake smile, made a 90-degree bow and shouted:

Goodbye! Then he left, watching the foreigner frown and mutter in disgust: Oh, shit ~Japen!

Distribute zongzi

The company distributed zongzi to every foreign employee.

Today, a foreigner said gratefully:

The snacks you sent are delicious.

Thank you. It's just that the lettuce outside is a little hard. ...

Look at your face.

Female colleague: "Supervisor, I'm afraid to withdraw money at this late hour ..."

Director: "No way, this fund is a bit urgent."

Female colleague: "What if a gangster grabs the color?"

Director: "You take the flashlight."

Female colleague: "What's the use?"

Director: "Please look at your face when you meet a gangster."

Can't bear to

A teacher said to his classmates, "Do you think you are stupid? Please stand up. "

After a few minutes of silence, a boy stood up slowly.

The teacher said, "What, do you think you are stupid?"

The boy replied, "No, teacher, I can't bear to stand alone ..."

Don't you have a favorite color?

A woman who had just finished her driver's license test suddenly turned off at the crossroads.

It took quite a while to watch the red light turn green and the green light turn red.

The traffic police next to him finally got tired of listening and asked, "What's the matter? Don't you have a favorite color? "

Happiness without worry

Several little boys scraped together a dozen dollars to buy toys, but they didn't know what to buy. One of the suggestions: "Go and buy sanitary napkins!" "

People don't understand, why?

The boy said, "I don't know, but it is said on TV that with it, you can climb mountains, water ski, play ball games, skate and be carefree."

Do you want to change careers?

Judge: "I hope this is the last time." I don't want to see you here again. "

Thief: "What, sir, are you going to change careers?"

She changed a lot for me.

"How far have you developed with her?"

"She has changed a lot for me."

"What has changed?"

"Changed the phone number four times ..."

Someone's new phone has just been rented out by the cinema, and people often call to ask about the movies being shown. At first, he always explained politely that this mobile phone is no longer owned by the cinema, but it is his now. Please don't call again. After a long time, he also felt annoyed and simply said, "You have the wrong number!" " This will also save some saliva. One day, a familiar voice came from the other side: "What movie is showing now?" As usual, he said, "You have the wrong number!" After a moment of silence, the other party replied, "Is it a China film or a foreign film?"

Teacher: Do you know what's wrong with sleeping in class?

Student: Not as comfortable as bed.