Tell me a joke that gives me a stomachache.

1 The bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

6. Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

9, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

12 I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

13, at school

One day, my classmate called and handed it to me, saying, "Your mother * *."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

15, once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

19, everyone was given badges in high school. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the Education Bureau inspected the recess. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in desperation, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23, a colleague, one day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. I asked where there was an inflatable one. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions!"

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

27. Once, we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, and the tour guide just introduced that the 100-step ladder was in Liu Xiaoqing. & gt scenic spots. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

28. At that time, several female classmates came to my house to play. I'll get the water. They turn on the DVD player to watch movies. I heard Cantonese in the back room. Then I shouted to turn down the channel. The channel is wrong, and I am speechless. My face was red and purple ~ ~ I almost fainted ~ ~

29. In my high school, I go home with my MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many seniors on the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted "Boss, five strings of bullwhip", and then there was silence. Three seconds later, everyone laughed together. I am so embarrassed. . . The most embarrassing thing is that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is a cow's tail." .

30. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. Tell a true story. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer is dying. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . . Fresh in my memory.

33. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

34. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

35. In the past, we had a political economy teacher who was very fond of talking! I once talked about the strength of the dollar. He is too

"Do you know why only US dollars are called' US dollars', but you have never heard of a name called' English'?

"Gold" and "Fajin"? "

36. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: Look at your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

37. The female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the dinner. I don't know how I made the following mistake.

Error: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently. Eat more!" " "At that time, everyone was having a picnic. .

38. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. On one occasion, a mm got on the bus without a seat.

Hello, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off ~!

39. I used to be crazy about online games, and I often killed myself in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

40. When I used to live on campus, I used to have bunk beds. The mobile phone needs to be recharged once. But there is only one socket in a bed, so reading with a lamp can't be recharged. As a result, A plugged the charger into B, and B wanted to listen to music at night. When he saw A's charger, he shouted, "Hey, I said, why do you always plug it into me?" Why don't you put it under you? "After a commotion, sweating like a pig ~ ~

4 1, when I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

42. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

43. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

44. The roommate boiled water with hot water. After the water boiled, the fellow read leisurely and motionless. He couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Do you want to unplug it?" It's too noisy. . "No response. 15 seconds later, he added, "It's very hot there, so it's easy to break down all the time. " 。" Nothing happened. In half a minute, the water was completely boiled and splashed. "That what, shoot. Spit out a lot of things louder and louder, and if you insert them again, you are afraid it will harm people. . Are you sure you won't pull it out? " . . . A thick book flies towards my head! ! ! ~

45. Our head teacher teaches senior three math ... When he reviews for us ~ Every time he draws a picture and a ray ~ ~ he says loudly ~ ~ ` Watch it, classmates ~ ~ I took it.

46. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. Seeing Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside, he went up and asked, "Wife ..."

47. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

48. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

49. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

50. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

5 1. Once in ktv, I ordered a song, and a mm shouted: Give me a stick chop of "Double Jielun" every week. ......

52. A buddy in high school and class went to give a lesson to someone he didn't like. When the buddy saw it, he put his hand into his pocket and hung it up. That elder brother is furious: Who told you to let go of your pocket! ! ! I will turn around and leave.

53. Once the monitor of the evening self-study class wrote down the number of people who should attend, and the following students shouted, "Let's go!"

54. Once I went to a restaurant, the food was too salty. My classmate called the boss and asked, "why is your food so salty?" How salty is it? " ! ? "

55, the dormitory anonymous lovelorn, yue: meowed! I need comfort! Who will touch (comfort) me? It was cold all night. . .

56. The president of our university used to teach us calligraphy. When talking about his own experience, he talked about wearing red in the animal year. He said, "I didn't wear anything that year." As a result, the whole class laughed wildly.

57. I was waiting for someone on the side of the road when I was smoking with my classmates ~ His mother came by bike! He quickly threw away his cigarette and said, Aunt! I am so cold. . .

58. I once watched a disc in the dormitory. The quality of the disc was not good, and some places could not be seen. My classmates asked me what to do, and I said, take off (drag) it. As a result, the people in the dormitory laughed hysterically. . .

59. Once I went to a restaurant with some close classmates, and several MM didn't drink. Later, we all advised them to drink, and that female classmate took a sip of my glass. Other students booed that we kissed indirectly, and MM was a little angry. After a while, talking about the first time, I asked who MM gave it to for the first time. Unexpectedly, the angry MM shouted, "I gave it to you the first time (indirect kiss)." Other students laughed wildly ~, and the guests around the table were cold! ! !

60. Once the telephone line in the school teacher's office was cut off. After I connected it, a long copper wire was exposed. I told the teacher professionally that it would be nice if I brought a foreskin (cloth) back to this place! The teacher looked at me with wide eyes, hehe. .

6 1, what you do in the factory needs a kind of wool, which is called wool in the jargon. Once, a MM went downstairs to the first floor to look for wool. MM is loud, open your mouth and come: Is there any hair under you? I have no hair on it. Everyone in the first workshop was happy. Someone received: No, you don't have hair above, just look for it below us. We don't have hair below, so give it or not! ! ! Sweat ~ ~ ~

62. When I was discussing the Three Kingdoms with one of my classmates! I asked the military commanders in the Three Kingdoms who he liked best. He stood up and said, "Haven't you heard of a red hare in the middle and Lu Bu in the middle?"

63. There is another one. In junior high school, we all used electric bells to ring the doorbell at the end of class. Once, just after class, the bell rang and the teacher was still there. Suddenly, a boy who was sleeping in class suddenly bounced up from his seat and screamed, Mom! Get up and cook! I should go to class!

64. Once we went out to eat, the waiter who served us food was a Uighur woman. Beautiful. Leave with the food on the table. We said we wouldn't call the roll when serving. That sister thought for a long time and said: a dish, hot! After a while, I brought another dish to the table. Before we asked, I said that the other dish was still hot. We burst out laughing.

65. My dormitory sister is ill, so physical education class asked me to ask for leave for her. The teacher didn't arrive until she arrived at the station. Before she could ask for leave alone, the teacher began to call the roll. I was nervous for a moment when MM's name was called. . Half a day vaguely said two words: "disgusting! . . . . . "The teacher laughed my head off.

66. At work early in the morning, several employees of the unit and the boss got into the elevator together. One of the directors looked at the boss's tired face and said ingratiatingly, Boss, it's too hard for you to fly to Wan Li like this every day! As a result, the office building laughed all day.

67. I used to have peas on my face, which was medically called acne. I want to go to the hospital and say to the doctor with a registration form, "doctor, please take a look at it for me." I have hemorrhoids on my face! ! "At that time, the doctor's mouth and eyes were crooked, and his mouth was open for a long time, unable to speak. Everyone who saw the doctor next to him fell down! I didn't react at that time, but I finally woke up and blushed. . . . . .

68. School uniforms are required in high schools. We boys sometimes only wear school uniforms. Once we got together, the students were all dressed untidy in school uniforms. The class teacher was furious: "Everyone who didn't wear pants stood up for me. . . ! "。 . . . . . Sweating all over. . .

69. Last Friday, I was bored. I invited some friends to play Shanghai Mahjong. During the dinner, a pair of spools touched a Hu card, suspecting that the next MM would open it, so I stubbornly refused to type it. As a result, at the end of the game, MM suddenly grabbed one of mine and threw it to me:' I'm waiting for your penis, but you just won't take it out. "You want to die!" . . . . . . Everyone present was in an uproar!

70. In junior high school, students order school uniforms. The school randomly found several students of different heights and sizes, made them into small, medium, large and extra large sizes, and asked them to stand on the platform of each class for demonstration. A group of people came to our class, and the head teacher said, Students, look at some girls on this stage. Go back and think about what kind of girl you want, and register when you think about it. If the girl is not suitable, you can change another one. ......