22 funny classic quotations _ absolutely laugh off your belly

1. After dinner in the evening, I waited anxiously in the dormitory. After a while, someone knocked at the dormitory door.

I was a little brain-dead from hunger. I shouted, "Is that you?" ?

I just heard a long voice from outside. Yes, it's me.

Dear deliveryman, don't be so cute!

2. It seems that I am too young to watch others practice driving and pass cigarettes to the coach, talking and laughing.

I only have a pack of facial tissues in my pocket, so I took out one and handed it to the coach: wipe my mouth after smoking.

People have different opinions about me. .

In the morning, the mother came into the room to wake her son: it's time for him to go to school.

Why? Mom! I don't want to go.

Give two reasons why you don't want to go.

Well, the children don't like me and the teacher doesn't like me.

So ... there's no reason not to go to school anyway

Mom! Then give me two reasons why I must go to school.

All right! First, you are 52 years old! Second, you are the principal.

4, heart jam, menstruation elder sister began to ask me why I didn't bring my girlfriend back from time to time, and asked me when I would get married.

I was forced to do nothing, saying various reasons, such as being young, wanting to play, being too busy at work, not buying a house in Beijing, being too poor and so on.

If they don't let go, I'll say I'm gay

They replied with one voice: impossible! Didn't you say that gays are handsome?

5, female colleague, 140 kg. Dance slowly with the square dance aunts every night.

Yesterday, I was dragged to see. Then someone asked me how I looked.

I said: I think you dance like a cygnet drum washing machine

6. Just now, I suddenly found out that my dog Xiaohei is a dog and was about to sit down and eat a hamburger bought by McDonald's.

Blackie suddenly shouted at the window, as if a stranger had entered the yard.

I went out to look, but I didn't see anyone. When I came back,

I found that blackie and hamburger were gone. .....

7. I wore a Rolex to highlight my identity at the class reunion. Just when I was worried about how to display it, a classmate suddenly asked what time it was.

I was overjoyed, calmly took out my mobile phone and dialed:

Manager Wang? I am a customer who bought a Rolex from you.

Right, right, right, gold watch, I want to ask, what time is it?

8. Today, my friend drove me home and habitually lit a cigarette after getting on the bus.

My friend pinched off my cigarette and said, don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke.

I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke!

9. I was about to take the exam for the second time. I was worried that I couldn't pass, so I prepared something and found the coach: coach, take this thing for tea.

Go away! Who do you take me for?

The coach turned me down,

By the way, I threw the bottle cap of iced black tea that said "one more bottle" in the trash can.

10, my daughter-in-law didn't go to work today, and she was in a very good mood and considerate when she went back at noon.

According to her routine, she must want something, but since she didn't say a word,

Just when I was surprised, I walked out of the balcony and saw my big winter coat there gorgeous and cool.

My mood suddenly fell to the bottom, brothers. I hid 3k ocean in my winter coat.

Forget it, see if the one behind the refrigerator is still there!

1 1, go back to the familiar classroom, touch the former desk, look at the familiar teacher and do the familiar papers.

I know I failed again.

12, I told my mother that when my grandmother was young, she was recognized as the first beauty in the city.

So I asked with emotion and doubt: brag, was grandma really so beautiful before?

My mother proudly said, of course! That's my mother. You think it's your mother!

13, is there anything worse than a girlfriend leaking air?

Yes, it's just that my boyfriend is leaking electricity. It's really hard.

14, I went to the supermarket in the community late last night, probably because several people in the front row were holding durex.

Only I am holding a roll of paper,

The cashier sighed at the fucking cashier!

Sigh your MB!

15. Today, my friend drove me home. After getting on the bus, I habitually lit a cigarette, and my friend cut off my cigarette.

One sentence: don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke.

I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke!

16, a boy and a girl are dating in a coffee shop. The boy hurried for salt.

The girl asked him why, and the boy said, I'm afraid you will ask me if I have a car in the future. I have no salt to answer.

17, walking with my new boyfriend at night, I suddenly saw two dogs having sex.

After reading it for a while, he blushed and asked me, do you have the same idea now?

I quickly explained: no, no, no, I'm not interested in male dogs!

18, I went out for a snack with my girlfriend one night, and when I came home, I met four hooligans to rob me.

I returned without saying anything 10 meter, and my girlfriend didn't move.

Rogue said to me: Yo, drink, meet a timid guy.

I said: Do you want me to hit you? My girlfriend has a black belt! ) At that time, I took out my mobile phone to take pictures!

This is why I am obedient to my girlfriend!

19, I was about to take the exam for the second time. I was worried that I couldn't pass, so I prepared something and found the coach: coach, take this thing to have tea.

Go away! Who do you take me for?

The coach turned me down,

By the way, I threw the bottle cap of iced black tea that said "one more bottle" in the trash can.

20. Once waiting for the traffic lights, there were many people on both sides. I see 30 seconds left.

I thought of the online LOL sentence again, and drew a sentence in my mind: The enemy still has 30 seconds to reach the battlefield!

Crush them!

Everyone next to me is drunk and ashamed. I am a sister!

2 1, dude, are you still wearing your jeans?

This is popular now, you know?

I looked at the chrysanthemum he leaked out and lost in thought.

22. Mentality is very important. Negative people only screw things up.

Once he has a positive attitude, he can happily screw things up.

It's funny to laugh my head off.

1, vulgarity is a breakthrough, especially when elegance and nobility do not work.

2. Dwelling in a humble abode, being timid and angry.

Don't always call me an animal. Get to know me better and you will know that I am worse than an animal.

4, eyebrows are cold and ashamed of adulterers, and loose soil is sweeter than skirts.

Recently, I have been under great pressure, and eating Wangwang ice cream is worse than others.

6, cow dung is cow dung, even if you are fragrant, flowers will generally not be inserted in you, because that will insult the aesthetic feeling.

7. Niu B is an ordinary person and Niu Organ is a scholar.

8. Why do we all give darkness to the devil? Because they are brave and not afraid of the dark.

Lying is a man's privilege and being cheated is a woman's patent.

10, I don't like her, I like my script, but my script is that I love her deeply.

1 1. When you chase the prince charming in your heart, the frog waiting for you is actually a prince and will be caught.

12, if something happens, don't let your feelings sow at will, or they will take root and sprout. If you want to pull, you have to toss and turn. I can't pull if I want to.

13, the feelings of two people, if only one person tries to mix honey, then in the end, it will only turn another bee into a fly.

14, drunken friends are fools, and loved ones know fools.

15, the reason why you can't hold sand is because you choose a sieve for flour, which is too thin. I can stand you because I used a net to catch big fish and let all the small fish slip by.

16, the lost happiness is the chrysanthemum on your ass, and it is often only when you have diarrhea that you think it is particularly brilliant.

17, ugliness is not your fault, nor is stupidity your fault, but showing ugliness and stupidity incisively and vividly cannot be used to show off your great achievements, so be modest.

18, you are very kind, especially when you are sad.

19. Feelings are like buying stocks and choosing junk stocks. If you lose money, it doesn't matter. The key is to learn to stop loss, but what you are most afraid of is not admitting the failure of your eyes, just holding it, waiting for the rebound, waiting and waiting until the flowers have thanked you several times.

20, with a brilliant facade, reveals the essence of dress B.

2 1, women wear makeup masks and men wear moral masks.

22. Those conceited people will crow among the cranes forever.

23. What is irony? Ironically, even if you are willing to be someone else's toilet paper, people still think you are soft, dirty your fingers, hard your ass and scratch your ass.

24. Don't always say that the mud on the wall can't be turned over, because even if you are concrete and no one turns it over with you, you still have to be on the ground and someone turns it over. No matter how bad the mud is, it will still stick to the wall

Think of your boss as a baby and then think of yourself as a breast. Give yourself a little more pressure and squeeze out a little milk, because the baby doesn't know how to appreciate the breasts that can't produce milk yet.

26. Clothes make the man, and gold depends on Buddha. But the essence is still the essence, just like you, whether it is Li Ning or Adidas, it is impossible or not.

27. One must fall in love at first sight at least once in one's life. It seems that I have made many people live this life.

28. It is said that beauty matches the beast, so I will be a beast for a while.

29, people who want to bubble can't bubble, then at most one plan is ruined; The person who wants to be soaked is soaked in formalin, which is called bleeding.

30. As the saying goes, brothers are like brothers and women are like clothes, which is quite valuable for reference, but reality has added some elements of the times to it. Now, brothers are like artificial limbs, and women are like underwear. People can be one-armed men, but they can't see people naked.

3 1, the film can be a story without a director; The story has no screenwriter, but it's nothing. Therefore, you should at least be a screenwriter in your life, and strive to develop a director if you want to be wonderful.

32. I think you are a professional weaver, specializing in catching penguins.

33. Are you a frog in the well, or did you not even run to the well?

Life always likes to throw me as a tug-of-war between angels and demons. To get back at them, I decided to make a straw rope, break it, and then they all rolled away.

35. Most people won't say I'm handsome, but generally just say I'm domineering.

36. I believe that it is a pity that Raytheon can't touch you when you go out in the rain.

37. There was once a woman who wanted to change me. As a result, she only dismantled my parts and never put them on me again.

38. Romance can never be valued, otherwise I would have been worth millions.

39. Going out for a walk doesn't suit me. My biggest wish is to sit in front of the computer and meditate on Sunday.

40, people do not YY waste teenagers! No, the cat is not feeling well!

4 1, alive, just to leap forward.

Even though I am very young, I am still great when I try to live for myself, but I don't know the size of greatness.

43. It's not that my happiness must be based on your pain, but that you should let your pain make me happy.

A hilarious joke.

1. If I were a tear in your eyes, I would slide down your cheek and disappear between your lips. If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn't cry, because I am afraid of losing you!

2. Four sweet lips, two pure souls and an immortal love. This is the beautiful element of kissing.

3. The flowers in the wall are red outside the wall, so there is no way to pick flowers. If you want to spend, you have to thank, and a joy is empty.

4. The most beautiful thing in life is the process, the most difficult thing is getting to know each other, and the most desired thing is the result! The hardest thing is waiting! The happiest thing is true love, the most fearful thing is ruthlessness, the most regrettable thing is to miss it, and the most important thing is to be with you.

5. You are the wind, I am the sand, you are the leather shoes, I am the brush, you ignore me and I commit suicide!

6. Love experts sincerely serve you, please enjoy my free professional service! Passionate kissing type, warm hug type, light touch type, or affectionate hand-holding type, sweet talk type. Please make your choice.

7. I love you! If you love me, then take these three words. If you don't love me, please give it back to me!

8. Insist on the absolute leadership of your wife. Wife always comes first, children second, dogs third and I fourth.

9. My family has a sow and a group of piglets. If you are willing to come and live in my house, I will sell the sow and live with you wholeheartedly.

10. Every time I miss you, the picture is mosaic.

1 1. I just like to watch inspirational stories of social girls, from junior high school and high school to being a waiter washing dishes and handing out leaflets when I grow up.

12. The weather is fine today. I stayed in my room for a long time. I'm going to play in the living room.

13. Mathematics is the most romantic. It is more perfect than anything in the world. It never lies, betrays or fails.

14. If you are not nice to your wife, don't blame me for being too nice to your wife. Mr. Wang who lives next door

15. Some people stay in bed because they have money, and they can sleep as late as they want. I stay in bed because I have no money, so I can save a meal.

16. What is loneliness? The phone bill of 50 yuan has not been used up for six months, so the monthly rent has been deducted.

17. You are frozen into a ghost in the north, and I show my thighs in the south.

18. People have two eyes, both of which are parallel, so we should look at people equally; People's ears are two-sided, so don't listen to one side of the story; Although people have only one heart, they have left and right atria, so they should not only think for themselves, but also for others.

19. The curtain of the life stage may be opened at any time. The key is whether you are willing to perform or choose to escape.

20. Let's turn our worries into thinking and planning beforehand!

2 1. Facing the goal, you are full of confidence. How many times can you fight in life? In the face of achievements, all roads lead to Rome.

22. Don't hesitate to face opportunities; Don't hesitate to choose; Don't be afraid in the face of decisive battle!

23. Without saliva and sweat, there would be no tears of success.

24. I only trust two people in this world, one is me and the other is not you.

25. Some people just don't understand. If you don't fuck, he won't know you're his father.

Share funny jokes that make you laugh.

1. Go downstairs to buy things at the grocery store. When checking out, I asked the boss if he had Alipay, but the boss said no, there was Jiaduobao.

2. Give the future mother-in-law a bad review, and the delivery is too slow.

Holding a hot, charging mobile phone, regardless of life and death, is a rare heroic moment in my life.

4. Is the leaf leaving because of the pursuit of the wind or the tree can't stay?

5. Brothers are like brothers and women are like clothes. Anyone who touches my brothers and sisters will strip his clothes!

I have made up my mind that if I have a son, I will be a robber, and if I have a daughter, I will be a princess.

7. I am an actor, and my eyes turn when I see beautiful mm.

I don't know much about Wu Bai, but his brother 250 knows me very well.

9. My father is from Jiangsu and my mother is from Hunan. They say I'm a Jianghu person.

10. I don't know whose wife is in my bed, and neither does my wife!

1 1. The Internet is like a prison. You stole a wallet and learned everything when you went out.

12. Whoever controls history will control the future; Whoever controls the present will control the history.

13. Life is so fucking interesting, because life always fucking plays with me.

14. I have to rely on threats to do everything a good-looking girl can do.

15. I often see you on the bus. You often see me. I fell in love with you at first sight, but you were clutching your wallet.

16. Mathematics is actually very simple, but the other 90 points are difficult.

17. There are many classes like prostitutes. I just join them every day. I don't know their names.

18. When your selfie can't find a good angle, you must realize that you look better than the photo.

19. I picked up a magic lamp, hoping I could find someone before I died. As a result, I won eternal life.

20. I was ruthless and cried with my fingers.

2 1. You said that onions are amazing, and they are the only fruits and vegetables that can make people cry. I don't want to deny you, but last time I was hit by durian, I cried all day.

22. I will play with anyone who dares to disturb my study again in the new semester.

23. Generally, girls who like to tell dirty jokes are very beautiful. Why? Because they must have their own beautiful appearance to cover up their wretched hearts.

24. The happiness of the sky is to wear blue; The happiness of the forest is covered with green; The happiness of sunshine is as dazzling as diamonds; My happiness is because I know you.

25. If you are a fish, then I am a hook and I want to catch you; If you are a hill, then I am a river on the side of the mountain, and I want to walk around you; If you are a steamed stuffed bun, then I am a bowl of mutton soup, and I want to soak you.

A hilarious collection of funny jokes.

1. I'm tired of the vague sweet words of vows of eternal love. I don't need a sincere promise. I just want to grow old with you in this life. When the old man can't go anywhere, you are still my treasure!

2. One year old, there is a waterfall at the corner of his mouth. At the age of two, he wore clothes without trousers. At the age of three, his nose flowed into his mouth. At the age of four, he dreamed of ghosts at night. This man is young and worthless. When he grows up, his IQ is very low. He knew he was talking about you, but he insisted on seeing the end. Admire, admire!

Miss you, miss you to death, find an artist to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water and kiss you every day, how about a demo? Pour a cup of boiling water and I'll burn you to death.

4. Actively respond to the call of Six Eggs. You can only look at your wife's face, kiss her face before going out and sleep next to her face. Don't call her a pervert when you are old. My wife calls me an asshole, and I'm a softie.

I used to be very confused, because you helped me out of the predicament and let me know how beautiful it is to love someone. Let me pay for this life and accompany you to the old age.

6. If missing is a disease, then I am terminally ill; If missing is a feeling, then I have the depth of the ocean; If love is because of hate, then I already hate it; If you poison blindly, I will spend my life for you.

7. Marriage is a consolidated statement, the lover is an account payable, the children are other accounts payable, life is a continuous operation, quarreling is a bad debt provision, fighting is an operating loss, and tears are a reduction in the owner's equity.

8. It is better to make money, and it is better to earn much more than me. By the way, it's easier without me

9. If God lets me make three wishes, the first is to be with you in this life, the second is to be with you again and again, and the third is to be with you forever.

10. I miss you and feel like: cooking without salt; Apples should not be too sweet; Smoke less; Forgot to bring money when shopping; I will miss you when I have time, and I will miss you when I have no time. If I really can't spare the time, I will do nothing but miss you!

35 words that break your belly with laughter

First, as long as the hoe jumps well, where can you dig down the corner?

Second, Monkey King Thrice Defeats the Skeleton Demon's story tells us that a woman who is too fickle will be beaten to death by a man.

Third, you dress dangerously, but you look safe.

Fourth, the life of eating goods is like a train. To sum up: shopping-eating, shopping-eating, shopping-eating.

I'm not afraid to kick you. I'm just afraid that Nike on my feet will get dirty.

My brother smokes because he hurts his lungs and is not sad.

Seven, my advantages are: I am very handsome; But my shortcoming is that I am not handsome.

Eight, you can't satisfy everyone, because not everyone is human!

If you don't want to answer my phone, just say so, and don't always let others move around to help you tell me you're sorry ~

Man is iron, rice is steel, and there is no soup in his bones.

Eleven, women mix well, is a sister-in-law, mix well, is a bitch.

Everyone says I'm an actor, because my eyes roll at the sight of beautiful mm.

Thirteen, looking at beautiful women in the street, the higher is appreciation, the lower is hooliganism.

Fourteen, because of loneliness, I have talked about love several times. Who knows that it is easy to be kicked after repeated battles and defeats!

Fifteen, goose, goose, cut the curve with a knife, pluck the hair and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!

Sixteen, toss a coin: head to the internet, tail to sleep, stand up and do homework.

Seventeen, the so-called simplicity, angels with wings, idiots without wings.

18. The furthest distance in the world is not life and death, but the exam is coming soon. Others are reviewing, but they are previewing. More tragically, people passed the preview, but you failed the review.

Nineteen, when you do it right, no one will remember; When doing something wrong, even breathing is wrong!

If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smarter, then I should at least eat a pair of whales.

The first guy who knows that milk can be drunk, what did you do to the cow?

Good friends don't need too many, just two. One is willing to lend you money, he asks you for a debt, and the other is willing to kill him ~

Twenty-three, smoking is an art of life; Looking for a cigarette is an attitude towards life.

I feel so unlucky to know you in such a big world.

Twenty-five, where there is no cow dung in the end of the world, why unrequited love for a piece of shit.

Twenty-six, cucumbers must be filmed, and life must be high.

Twenty-seven, at the beginning of life, nature is good, you pay, I eat.

28. Isn't equality between men and women implemented? Why can't I go to the ladies' room?

Distance does not produce beauty, but a third party.

30. You are like a bitter gourd, dressed so cool and looks so weak.

Thirty-one years old, the older you get, the more troubles you have. G's mind is full of G's troubles.

32. All the people I like are on the hard disk.

Thirty-three, they all say that my sister is beautiful, but in fact they are all made up.

In order to cooperate with the successful completion of family planning work in China this year, I decided not to contact friends of the opposite sex for the time being. Thank you for your cooperation.

Thirty-five, there is a crash called password input error, there is a panic called account login in different places, there is a feeling that you can't see, there is a misunderstanding that people and computers are offline, and there is a loss that you don't have access rights!