Urgent! Urgent! Urgent! Crosstalk suitable for performing in nursing homes?

Tell them "eight auspicious stories" and "free monkeys".

I. Eight Auspiciouss

A: Crosstalk is inseparable from jokes.

B: It's always coke.

Why coke?

B: That means coke.

A: Of course, brag first, brag for yourself. To put it bluntly, the more you listen to it, the more ridiculous it is, and this joy comes.

That's true.

A: For example, many crosstalk performers stop on the stage and say, "I'm well-informed." In fact, he has no knowledge. It's fun when you listen.

B: Why?

Do you think this is reasonable? A truly knowledgeable person says to people, "I have knowledge." Absolutely not. A truly learned man will say nothing. How often do you hear me say "I am very knowledgeable" to others? I never said that. Why didn't I say anything?

Well-you are very learned!

A: Then you will know.

He screwed up, too!

A: What do you mean by blowing? I'm really learned.

B: Well, since you say you are knowledgeable, I'll test you.

A: Of course! You write questions.

B: Shall we say eight words?

What eight words?

B: Tian, Tao, Lin, Hai, Deng, Lian, Xiang and Ba.

A: That's it?

B: No, we look for three people per word, who is who and where to go: it still has to be in a dynasty; Which word should be started and which word should be left behind.

A: All right. Listen to you first.

B: Say the word "Tian" first. "Read a big day." How to write the word "Tian"? Add a word "big" to the "one" above, and then pronounce "Tian". "Lu Su asked Sun Quan."

Ask who?

B: Ask, "Where is Guan Yu going?"

Where have you been?

B: "Maicheng is a guest of heaven."

A: Ah, the passage from Maicheng to the Three Kingdoms. All right!

Who asked who?

A: If the word "Tian" is pronounced as "Fu"; Add a word "mouth" under the word "day" and pronounce it "pharynx"; Add the word "bamboo" to the word "day" and pronounce it "smile"; Add "Bao Gaier" to the word "Tian", "Three drops of water" next to it, and "Ear knife" over there. ...

B: What to read?

A: Well-there is no such word.

B: Isn't that nonsense?

Answer: "I think about it all day."

Who asked who?

Answer: "He Xian asked Lu Xian."

B: Is this the ancients?

A: Alas! Crane and deer teenagers on the list of gods!

Who are you asking?

A: Ask "Where is the Antarctic Weng going?"

B: Who's the Antarctic Weng?

A: Antarctic, longevity, big head.

Where have you been?

Answer: "Crossing the crane to the south."

B: Say the word "peach" this time. "Mu Zhao reads a peach."

Who asked who?

B: "Chu Xu asked Zhang Liao."

A: It's from the Three Kingdoms. Who are you asking?

B: Ask, "Where is Jiang Gan going?"

Where have you been?

B: "Xiang Fu presents birthday peaches."

Oh, Cao Cao's birthday.

B: You did.

A: "I've been thinking about it all day."

B: "wooden omen"!

A: "Mu Zhao hasn't seen you for a day."

B: "Peach"!

A: Mutao.

B: Mutao? Then how to eat?

A: "Mu Zhao reads a peach."

Who asked who?

Answer: "The elk asked the crane."

B: Ask who?

A: Ask "Where is the Antarctic Weng going?"

B: Antarctic Weng?

A: Ah, Antarctic, longevity, big head.

Where have you been?

Answer: "Go to Flat Peach on March 3rd."

Oh, flat peach party. This time, "forest" means "two trees read a forest"

Who asked who?

B: "Zhang Fei asked Zhao Yun."

Ask who?

B: "Where is Mrs. Huang going?"

Where have you been?

B: "avoid dense pine forests."

A: "Two trees miss a forest."

Who asked who?

Answer: "The crane god asked the deer god."

B: How did you become a god again?

A: Never mind.

B: Ask who?

A: "Where is the Antarctic Weng going?"

B: Another Antarctic Weng?

A: Ah, Antarctic, longevity, big head.

B: this big head has come three times!

A: "Go to Zizhulin for a meeting."

B: Say "sea" this time. "Every time the water reads the sea."

Who asked who?

B: "Zhou Yu asked Huang Gai."

Ask who?

B: "Where is Kong Rong going?"

A: Where did it go?

B: "live less in Beihai."

Answer: "Every time water reads the sea."

Who asked who?

A: Hmm ... "The crane cub asked the fawn cub."

Why "baby" again?

A: It's a baby born by an elk crane.

B: You can really find it! Ask who?

A: Q-"Where is the Antarctic Weng?"

B: Who's the Antarctic Weng?

A: Antarctic, longevity, big head.

B: You can't live without a big head! Where have you been?

A: It's this ... "I've crossed the ocean."

B: The birthday girl crossed the ocean! Say "light" this time "Ding Huo read a lamp."

Who asked who?

B: "Ma Dai asked Kong Ming."

Ask who?

B: Ask, "Where is Wei Yan going?"

Where have you been?

B: "Turn on the seven-star light."

Say, "Light a lamp."

Who asked who?

A: "The crane boy asked the deer boy."

B: Where else can you go? Ask who?

A: Ask "Where is the Antarctic Weng going?"

A: Antarctica. ...

B: All right, stop it. Big head, right? Where did it go?

A: "Go sightseeing on the fifteenth day of the first month."

B: Is the birthday boy still strolling in the light? Say "Lian" this time. "The car goes to the company."

Who asked who?

B: "Lu Su asked Sun Quan."

Ask who?

B: Ask, "Where is Zhang Fei going?"

A: Where did it go?

B: "Sanma is connected." It's "Hulao Pass's Three British Wars against Lu Bu".

Answer: "Go for a ride."

Who asked who?

A: Um ... "The crane fairy asked the deer fairy."

B: Crane Fairy again? Ask who?

A: "Where is the Antarctic Weng going?"

Where have you been?

A: He is ... "Crossing the crane to Dalian."

B: This Antarctic Weng goes everywhere! You have nothing to say! Say "item". "Read one incense every day."

Who asked who?

B: "Lu Su asked Zhou Lang."

Ask who?

B: "Where is Liu Bei going?"

Where have you been?

B: "Kanluoji went to Dalbergia."

Answer: "Read one incense every day."

Who asked who?

Answer: "Crane ..."

B: You can't find your way this time. Crane what? Hum!

A: "He Tong ....." does not match. "Crane Fairy ..." No, "When to read a fragrance, the crane gang will ask the deer gang."

B: Why "help" again?

A: Where! It's just that there are too many cubs born by elk cranes, and they all grow up in groups.

B: you are really good at talking! Ask Antarctic Weng if he is? Where have you been?

A: "Go to the Western Heaven to burn incense."

Ok, say "eight" this time. "One left and one left, read eight."

Who asked who?

B: "Cao Cao asked Xia Houba."

Ask who?

B: Ask, "Where is Zhang Liao going?"

Where have you been?

B: "Blow the horn under the tent."

A: Say, "One left and one right, say eight."

Who asked who?

A: Um ... "Your grandmother asked your mother."

Why did you come to our house?

A: Isn't it better to compare your family with the ancients?

B: OK! The person who asked must be from our family, right?

A: Of course! "Say eight words one by one, and your grandmother asks your mother."

B: Ask who?

A: Ask, "Where is your father going?"

Where have you been?

Answer: "Catch turtles by the river!"

B: Fuck you!

Second, eat monkeys for free.

Now is a new society, and true friendship is mutual respect and help among comrades. Not in the past. In the old society, friends were intrigued and intrigued. So, at that time, you had to take a long view to make friends. I was cheated if I didn't get it right.

You can't make friends with people who behave like this. For example, get on the tram, get dressed after taking a shower, and drool after eating ... hey, you should stay away from such people!

The man said, if you don't squeeze in, but you are blocked at the door, how can you get on and off?

You see, his road is very crowded, different from others.

For example, if four people go out to play together, it's too far by tram. As soon as the bus arrived, he was the first to squeeze in, and he went there where there were many people. How come? He specializes in practicing kung fu at home and is not afraid of being crowded in the car. He took this elbow to find someone else's rib fork (learning action):

"Excuse me! Excuse me! "

Hey, he got in the sports car! Those three have never practiced this kind of kung fu, so they came up and stood at the door. As soon as the bus came up, he shouted in the car:

"Selling tickets! I'll take four! "

Why did you shout four tickets? He means to tell the three people at the door that they want to buy four tickets when they buy it, and me!

Hey!

Do you think there are so many people in the car that the conductor can get by? Very easy to squeeze past, the bus arrived at the station. Besides, he can't buy these three at the door.

"Never mind, we'll buy it here!"

Hey, people bought it, but he saved it

Get dressed after taking a shower. It used to be different from buying tickets before taking a shower; At that time, I took a shower first and asked for money when I went out. He took it off quickly and put it on slowly. How can he take it off quickly? When he comes in, he takes it off and washes it. Not just washing, all the work, shaving, bathing, pedicure, everything. It will be slow when you wait to wear it. Those three people are already dressed. He, don't worry, can wear half-pulled socks and finally put them on and take them off. Why? He said that foot was wrong! Hey, are the socks divided into left and right feet? How hot it is in the bathhouse! The three men stood there sweating.

"Ah, I said you hurry up? If I don't go out for five minutes, I'll get cholera! Well, you can wear it slowly, and we will wait for you outside. "

They distributed money at the door. You see, everyone goes out to give money first. If you don't care, you will pay the price. Why? There is nothing to do at the counter.

"Oh, gentlemen, you paid."

"No, we didn't. The meeting in the back. "

"Who's behind?"

"The one who didn't wear clothes at the back gave it to me!"

"No ... come back, there are more than 60 people naked behind!"

Who are they looking for? So, the person who goes out first pays. Hey, he saved it again!

The most irritating thing is that you have mouthwash after eating. He didn't wash early and didn't wash late, but many of our buddies put up the bill. He rinsed his mouth fluently and rushed to three paintings with water in his mouth:

"Um ... um ... um ..."

That means: you, don't give it; You don't give it; You don't give it; I ..... I won't give it either!

This is nonsense!

He's just drawing, but he doesn't throw up. How come? Spit up and the money is gone! When do you throw up? Don't throw up until someone gives him all the money. After vomiting, wipe your mouth with a towel and say something before you can get angry.

"poof! (Learn to wipe your mouth) You gave it again! "

How fresh! You always gargle and they don't give it to you? People don't give it to them, and all four people gargle after dinner, all like this (learn to gargle).

"Well ..."

"Well ..."

"Well ..."

"Well ..."

Show him what's wrong with it.

They gave it to him, and he ate it for nothing. He always does. Over time, everyone understood: Oh, what if this is a "free monkey"? All right, hide! Aren't you avoiding him? He came to you,

"Ah, three! How about eating me today? If you don't go, you will look down on me. If I don't invite you, I ... "

This is an oath. These three thought to themselves: don't let him curse, go! He, which restaurant is bigger than which son. What's good and what's expensive when you get there. Wow! The man asked for a table! Every day he eats slowly, and everyone else has finished eating. He hasn't finished yet. Why? Wait until the end before gargling! Today, he eats twice as fast as others. He has finished eating.

At this time, when you look at him again, your eyes are narrowed, your tongue is short, and your speech is not good. Why is this happening? He pretended to be drunk.

"I ... I tell you, today ... this ... this meal money ... all of you ... don't worry, man! Come on ... come on! Calculate ... account number! How much ... how much? "

"Forty dollars."

"Four ... forty dollars, not ... not much, I ... I pay, I pay, but I pay, I can pay ... I give!"

Listen, man: What? I did it.

"When did you give it?"

"As soon as I entered the door, I ... saved eight ... 80 dollars in your locker, ate ... forty, and still ... must find ... me forty!"

Hearing this, the man saved 80 yuan and ran to the cupboard.

"Did the four people in the private room upstairs save eighty dollars?"

"no!"

"No? No, please check. "

I checked, but fortunately, even the accounts of the year before last were turned over, and I couldn't find this eighty yuan. How come? He didn't save it at all

Men are really anxious, and they are sweating. He came back and asked him, "You probably remember wrong. Why is it not on the account? "

"What ... what? Don't! I ... I know ... I clearly gave it! "

"Who did you give it to?"

"Hand it over ... to whom? You ... who do you think I am ... I gave it? "

"I don't know!"

"anti ... anyway, I ... I'll give you this ... this one in a white coat!"

"We all wear white coats here, but there are also semicolons."

"What ... what's your date?"

"I'm number six."

"Well, I'll ... I'll leave it to number six!"

"ah? Don't price you! "

Say that finish, also ignore this guy. At three people said:

"You ... you three people ... listen, saved eight ... eighty yuan, cold ... cold said no! They are ... this business is wrong! "

Hey, I also said that people were wrong!

"No ... don't! Let's ... go to court with him ... If we win, call me ... Forty! I'll treat you three to dinner ... another meal! To ... if you lose, you three will be put in ... "

Huh? Hearing this, the three men said, Why are we so unlucky?

"I ... I will ... move out again!"

Hey, it's still moving!

"I ... I'm not finished with them! I ... I ... "

Look at him again, he has slipped under the table.

At this time, three people understand. Oh, come on, cheating again! But another thought: he is pretending to be drunk and deadbeat, and the three of us can't be ashamed with him. Come on, admit it. He said to the man:

"This ah, is a free monkey, we are not the same as him. Don't worry, isn't it forty dollars? He doesn't give it, we give it! "

The three men chipped in 40 dollars and gave it to the man. In this case, you can just walk away. No, this guy is angry and wants to be ashamed of him and show off in front of him:

"Well, Sir, you get up! You see: here is forty dollars, even if you give it. "

Look at him again this time: his eyes are open, his tongue is neat and he speaks clearly.

"How much is it?"

"Forty!"

"Is it enough?"

"I don't believe you!"

He took the money: "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty!" " "After counting, put it in your pocket (like a drunk):

"This is my forty!"

Hey, he's drunk again!