What's the funniest joke you've ever seen?

This is a true joke and a sad joke. The first story: A man had a relationship with a beautiful woman. The woman offered to give her 3 million to have the baby, and the man agreed. After a while, the woman pestered me again and asked for 2 million. The two sides failed to negotiate and went to court. As a result, the court found that the woman's child was not the man's. As a result, the woman ran away and the man cried. Another story: The more a man sees that his eldest son doesn't look like himself, he secretly makes a paternity test, and it turns out that it is really not his own son. The man ran away and quarreled with his wife for divorce. The wife cried and shouted that she knew she was wrong. Let's live together for the sake of our youngest son. The man felt that after all, his youngest son was his own, so he put up with it, but he didn't want to finish it, and proposed to do a paternity test for his youngest son. As a result, the point came. The wife said that men didn't trust her and refused to do paternity test for their youngest son. The more men think about it, the more wrong they are, and they still file for divorce. Finally, because the wife refused to give the younger son a paternity test, the court ruled that the younger son was not the man's own, sentenced the man to divorce his wife, and the wife compensated the man for hundreds of thousands of yuan in economic losses. The man won the lawsuit, lost his family and got some big green hats he didn't know.

I remember seeing a couple quarreling before. When girls quarrel, boys smile gently. Girls don't hug and laugh like boys and say they can't even fight. What should I do? A few days later, my girlfriend and I quarreled. I also laugh like that man. As a result, my girlfriend rushed up and slapped me, which made me laugh.

Yesterday, I went to the prison to meet my boss. My boss was arrested for smuggling, and he was afraid to reveal where the last batch of goods was hidden. He was given a heavy sentence of 20 years and finally came out today. After I got out of prison, I didn't say a word, so I drove to the suburbs to identify it carefully for a day and found a place to bury the goods. We dug for a long time and dug up a big box. The boss looked at the big box, his hand began to tremble, and he held my hand tightly. The goods were sold. We'll be rich. So many years of suffering have not been in vain. We live a beautiful life together. We open the box with tears of happiness and a box full of BBs.

Universities have a good relationship with girls. Every time I send her back to the dormitory and go upstairs, I always give her a hug, because after all, the two places will definitely be separated after graduation, and we have no meaning. At the 1 class reunion after graduation, we hugged again. I said that you are still so beautiful after working for a year. He said with a bad smile that you have changed a lot, and now you won't poke me with a hug. When a girl tells you that I like you, she must be testing you. Girls are very insecure. You should show your kindness so that the other person won't think you are frivolous or have no feelings for him, just like a gentle big brother next door.

Two of the funniest jokes are still fresh in my memory.

1, I remember a friend of mine got married and he went to his wife's house to say hello to her. When he arrived at his mother-in-law's house, he wanted to send her flowers, but her wife said no.

The emcee asked, what kind of flower is this?

The friend replied, Rose.

The emcee asked again, what,

The friend said, rose

Then the master of ceremonies kicked him to his knees and said, "Don't kneel for your wife unless you kneel." ,

2, a buddy went on a date and sat on the lawn in the sun. There is really nothing to talk about. In order to avoid being so embarrassed, the girl asked him, who do you think is more beautiful, me or Yun?

Without thinking about it, the buddy casually replied, one in the sky, one underground,,,

Since then, my buddy has never found a girlfriend.

'

Boss: Why are you so late?

Employee: You may not believe it, but I wore it this morning!

Boss: Oh? Tell me about it!

Employee: I set the alarm clock for 8 o'clock today as usual!

Boss: Then what?

Employee: Then I get up and turn off the alarm clock!

Boss: Go on!

Employee: After I turned it off, I blinked. As a result, I opened my eyes and arrived an hour later!

Boss: ...

Boss: Get out!

Employee: Eh! All right!

Politeness kills people, there is wood! Tell me a true feeling ~

The night before yesterday, several buddies made an appointment to go to another buddy's house to eat hot pot. They all went early.

I happened to have something on hand, and I was going to finish my work. It was a little late when I went out.

The first time I drove to Wal-Mart to wait for the traffic lights, the buddy called me and asked me why I hadn't arrived yet.

I said I'd get something. I'll be right there.

Guess what he said?

He said you don't need to buy anything, just come and eat. . .

Excuse me. !

I was embarrassed then. I just want to get a SF package on the side!

So I silently walked into Wal-Mart and bought a big bag of fruit.

This is no joke! This is no joke!

My wife is a black sheep, spending thousands of dollars on cosmetics online every month. Yesterday, she took a fancy to another blush with a price of 888. I blurted out, "it's too expensive, you can buy a mobile phone in 888!" " She gave me a white look and said, "Can a mobile phone make you blush?" I said, "Yes, you can give me 888, and I will let you use it for a lifetime." This morning, she handed me 888 and said, "I'd like to see how you let me use blush all my life." I took the money, slapped her twice and said, "I blush every morning, and I will also promote blood circulation." ..... Anyway, 120 came and my leg was broken by my wife. I have to pick up my leg at the hospital. I wonder if 888 is enough.

Recently, a lesbian has become very edible. She grew up in A Jin for 20 months, from a beautiful girl to a fat girl. I am particularly curious, "Other girls are losing weight. Why have you gained weight? " She said, "I've had bad luck recently, so I ate too much." I said, "Does luck have anything to do with how much you eat?" She looked at me in surprise. "Haven't you ever heard of eating and running?"

I used to have no house or car, and I was always rejected by girls when I was dating. Later, I worked hard and finally bought a house and car. Now go on a blind date, no girl thinks I'm poor, but I'm rejected because I'm "too ugly"! ".So I continue to work hard, and my goal now is to" save money for plastic surgery! "

One day, my buddy and I went to a restaurant for dinner, and there were two beautiful women at the next table. So my buddy and I immediately came to the spirit. We talked about Mercedes-Benz, BMW and Porsche stock fund real estate, and the beautiful women at the next table kept casting envious eyes. After a while, the hotel owner came over. "Brother, I really can't stand it. Please don't screw it up. Driving a Porsche to engage in real estate is not a bowl of mala Tang! "

During the Spring Festival, I went to my father-in-law's house to visit relatives, and my uncle handed me a cigarette. I said I don't smoke, and he said, "You are a graduate student, how come you can't even smoke!" " . Then I went into the kitchen to help my mother-in-law pack jiaozi. As a result, I didn't install one for a long time. My mother-in-law said: "You are a graduate student, how can you not even package jiaozi!" At dinner, my father-in-law poured me wine, and I said I wouldn't drink it. As a result, my father-in-law said, "You are a graduate student, how come you can't even drink wine!" Alas! I regret taking the postgraduate entrance examination now.

1, joke series of college entrance examination: the examiner's exclamation

A long time ago, in the imperial examination, the examiner saw a scholar answering questions with a flying pen. It's easy to say: answering questions in my life is like a bow and arrow, and I can't close it at once! When he saw another scholar, he forgot his words, wiped his words, scratched his head with relish and looked at other people's answers. He said smoothly: Answering questions in this life is like frying, a dilemma! At this time, the patrol exam added: those who study hard are lazy, and those who scratch their cheeks are lazy. This is a frog looking at a swan and drooling!

2, the college entrance examination joke series: the wishes of parents of candidates

Two parents accompany their children to the college entrance examination outside school, which is boring. He drinks in a nearby pub, and when he gets excited, he punches. A: Tsinghua, Peking University, will definitely pass the exam! Not to be outdone: Cambridge, Oxford, two brothers are bored together! The pub owner was unhappy when he heard it. His son left only two books last year, so he also said to them: Two books, three books, it is cruel for you to be admitted!

3, the college entrance examination joke series: admission

Shanshan did well in the college entrance examination and was admitted to the college. Call grandpa at the first time and tell him: grandpa, I was admitted to Oxford University! Grandpa: What? Beef tendon? Nice beef tendon. It tastes chewy. Shanshan smiled and said, I want to say that I was admitted to Cambridge University. You must not say scabbard, scabbard. What do you need a scabbard for without a sword? Grandpa: Yes, it's useless to draw the scabbard without a sword!

4, college entrance examination joke series: a lot of encouragement cards.

Parents of college entrance examination also follow suit. From offering flowers, giving gifts, inviting bands, and raising encouragement cards in the fashion world, the wording is really a hundred flowers. Yes, I passed the Gao Fushuai exam, which is better than the official second generation! Today is a book, tomorrow is money! One more point in the exam killed 10 thousand people! More importantly: Ran Lizheng is waving to you from Peking University! I hope Wang Zihan will be the first! Zhang Shan, you must be a pillar of the motherland! Wait, it's stressful. Others actually raised a large bonus. There is only one relaxing encouragement card: Wu Dan, you succeeded, because you successfully completed the college entrance examination!

Hello friends, I am "6 jokes", welcome to my space to see jokes! Smile and put aside all your troubles!

1、

The Spring Festival is coming, and a young couple on the bus are arguing about who to go for the Spring Festival. They have their own reasons and it is difficult to tell. An old man next to him is really tired of listening. When he arrived at a station, he said to them, "Girl, here you are!" " "Hearing this, the couple hurriedly got off. After the car left, the two men stared at each other. Is this where we get off?

2、

I am a 28-year-old woman. I met a divorced man with a six-year-old daughter. After getting along for a while, the man is quite good, but his daughter is too strong, and he is used to her. I also thought in my heart that if my own daughter dares to do this, I will abuse her and make her unable to find the north. But it seems that a man's ex-wife was driven away by a man for educating her daughter. I feel very uneasy. Should such a family get involved?

3、

When I was bored, walking down the street, I saw a man who said his height was 50 cents each. I wanted to see if my body had changed, so I went over and was about to stand on the weighing scale. The elder sister who looked at the scale stopped quickly. "You weigh it, either 50 pieces or 260 pieces!" Nani? Scared me, heavy 260 yuan, it is better to rob! Elder sister gave me another look: "If you crush my scale, you have to pay for it!" " "

4、

My brother was punished by the teacher at school and was severely beaten by his father when he got home. My mother scolded and beat him when she came home until my brother begged for mercy. When I was doing the test, my brother made a cheat sheet without reviewing. It was not safe to put it anywhere, so I quietly posted the cheat sheet behind the teacher so that everyone in the class could enjoy the resources.

5、

The winter vacation is finally over, and my wife wants to travel. I think there are still 12 days before the Spring Festival, so I said, I'd better not go. Look at the circle of friends, you can see it all over the country. "Well, listen to your husband!" "Well, good!" Look at the time, noon 1 point. No wonder we are so hungry. I said I should either cook or order. Then, I received some pictures on my mobile phone, including kung pao chicken, spicy shredded pork, stir-fried cabbage and Sam Sun soup. . .

6、

The Spring Festival is coming, and many young people don't know each other when they return to their hometown. However, when they called me grandpa, I discovered that at the age of 28, I was already so senior in the village. My wife gave me a look and said, "Actually, I have higher qualifications, extremely high!" " Me: What do you say? ""You have accumulated my ability and political integrity for a long time and met such a beautiful, kind and virtuous woman. I have fallen for a long time, and I have to go to man show when I meet such a dull man! A * * * senior you16th generation! Not satisfied? Come and fight. "

A satirical joke story

Yu Jing, a member of the cultural and recreational committee in the class, is not only a senior official in her father's village, but also her mother's former deskmate.

She always wins the first prize in every school song and dance competition. Once she accidentally sprained her ankle when she came on stage, helped her walk a few steps and won the first place in the dance group.

Not long ago, the city held the Red Zone Patriotic Dance Competition, and the school won the places to participate in the competition.

Under the mother's overnight research, Yu Jing was appointed as the lead dancer by the principal.

The day before the competition, the female teacher who led the team and the students who participated in the competition crowded into the live room guests who went straight to the competition venue.

Yu Jing, who came to see me off, looked at some crowded buses and assumed the posture of an adjutant to call her daughter off the bus. While waving to let the bus go first, she said to her daughter, "It's beneath her dignity to squeeze with them. You are a star now, a big star in the competition. Just like on TV, you have to be escorted by a bodyguard car to make a show. I'll call you some bodyguards and escort you by car. "

Later, several cars of the village Committee were designated as star cars, and several cronies were called to escort their daughters to the competition.

After the female teacher who led the team arrived at the venue, she didn't see Jing Lai for a long time, and no one answered the phone. She is about to play a game. Considering the task given to her by the headmaster, this competition is related to her job title evaluation and even her work. Scratching her head and stamping her feet, she finally got a call from Yu Jing's bodyguard, saying that there was a traffic jam and decided to cancel the performance.

The female teacher shouted: it's over ... it's over ... it's all over; While running to the organizing Committee office in a flurry.

She summoned up the courage to open the door of the office and saw a group of men and women sitting in the office talking and laughing, and the leaders of the organizing Committee kowtowed to them. The female teacher bravely walked behind the leader and learned to lead. Before she could speak, the leaders turned around and saw her.

The flatterer's face suddenly became formal and stern. Why did you come in? I didn't see the leader at the meeting.

The female teacher was frightened by the serious face of the leader and bowed her head and dared not speak. There was silence in the office, and a pair of eyes were looking at the female teacher with her head bowed and nervous. A big leader sitting in the middle spoke and asked, don't be afraid if you have anything to say;

Guan Wei's serious leader suddenly changed his face and said, if the leader lets you talk, you can talk. Sitting here are the businessmen, celebrities, parents of this city, and the guest judges invited by this competition.

When the female teacher heard that all the people sitting here were important people, instead of relaxing, she became more nervous. She stammered a few words, even she didn't know what she was talking about. The female teacher, with a cross heart, said loudly and eagerly, our Yu Jing is not here now, so we can't play ...

Instant solidification of the office, was cut by shortness of breath a sneer that can't be concealed.

The big leader sitting in the middle held his breath, glared at the cheats beside him, covered his mouth and laughed, and then excused himself to the female teacher: How did you arrange it? What program?

The female teacher bowed her head and dared to answer: four ... four crossings in Chishui; .

Look at your knowledge of revolutionary history, and the big leader glared. Chishui is a trickle, you know? How much can it reflect the magnificent revolutionary history? You thought it was a bottle of iced black tea. That's ridiculous.

Tell a joke that you have heard. I can't help laughing when I tell others for so many years. This is a funny joke with flavor. Typing is tiring. ) get down to business.

In other words, there is a couple who like exploring very much. One day, the couple explored a primeval forest where cannibals lived. They don't know.

Soon after entering the forest, they were caught by cannibals. Frightened, the couple cried and begged, "Please let us go and we will give you money and food, ok?" . The leader of the cannibal told them, "I don't want your money and things." I can give you two choices. One is that we will eat, and the other is that each of you will take a poop for each other to eat. You can choose. "

In order to survive, the couple looked at each other and nodded and said, "We don't want to die, we choose the second one, and we eat."

The cannibal leader told his men to let the couple go and let them pull each other. The couple had no choice. In order to survive, I resisted nausea and ate each other's poop. The cannibal leader kept his promise, so he let the couple go.

The couple ran out of the forest in a panic, and the boy was relieved and glad that he had survived. However, the girl kept crying and crying. The boy asked her, "We finally escaped without being eaten. Why are you still crying? " The girl cried and said, "You don't love me at all!" The boy said, "Why are we talking about this at this time? Why don't I love you? " . "said the girl.

You love me so much! ? "