Authentic English jokes

Authentic English Jokes

Back Up Two Miles Back Up Two Miles

A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn.

　If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.

"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.

The farmer and his son came to a narrow road in a light carriage. They met a driver going in the opposite direction. There was no place for them to pass within two miles in either direction. The driver was very anxious. "If you don't back up," the farmer said, rolling up his sleeves, "I don't like what I'm going to have to do." The driver was so surprised that he put the car in reverse and backed up two miles. Let the buggy pass first.

?What was it you said you didn't like to do there?

?Stand back two miles, ?The farmer replied.

Boss's idea

When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."

Since my printer could not print clearly, I called the maintenance department. The call was answered by a very nice man who said that maybe my printer just needed cleaning.

He also said that if I let the maintenance department clean it, I would have to pay a cleaning fee of 50 pounds. I had better read the user manual and try to clean it myself.

I was really moved by his words at that time, so I asked him: Does your boss know that you refuse business like this?

In fact, this is our boss’s idea,? The employee replied: "Because we can make more money if we let users repair the printer themselves first."

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　The New Baby Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.?This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes,?said Mr.Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said,?What are you talking aboutWe were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now , because the new baby's coming, his mother answered. It's no use, said Pat hopelessly. He'll follow us there.

The Taylors have a seven-year-old boy named Pat. special. Mrs. Taylor is now pregnant with her second child. Pat had seen babies in other people's homes and didn't like them very much, so he wasn't happy with the news that there was going to be a baby in his own home. One night, the Taylors were making arrangements for the baby's birth. Mr Taylor said: "With the baby, our house is too small to live in." ?Pat walked into the house at that exact moment and asked, ?What are you talking about?? His mother replied, ?We are saying we have to move now because the baby is about to be born. That's no use," Pat said desperately. ?He'll follow us there.

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A letter to God

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.

There was a little boy who desperately needed $50. He prayed for it for weeks but nothing happened. Later, he decided to write a letter asking God for the $50. The post office received the letter and thought it over and thought it would be better to hand it to the president. The president was amused, so he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5, because he felt that $5 was a lot for a child. The little boy was very happy after receiving the money and wrote a letter of thanks to God. The letter said: Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I found out that the money was sent through the White House, so, as usual, the guys charged me $45 in taxes.

Which painting to save?

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting , which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

A newspaper organized a competition to solicit submissions for the following question Best answer: ?If the Louvre was on fire and you could only save one painting, which one would you save?

The winning answer is: ?The one closest to the door.

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Late

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

My sister’s fingers Teacher: Kaiwen, why are you late again this time? Kaiwen: I’m sorry, teacher, I smashed two fingers while driving nails at home. Teacher: Why are there no bandages? Kaiwen: Oh, it wasn’t my finger that was hit. I asked my little sister to hold the nail.

A maintenance man in a cemetery

He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery.

He is really a big shot. There are 1,000 people under my uncle. He's such a big shot. What do you do? Cemetery keeper.

Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

In a traffic court in a large city in the Midwest, A young woman was brought before a judge and given a ticket for driving through a red light. The woman explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and asked the judge to handle her case immediately so she could get back to class. A hint of cunning flashed in the judge's eyes and he said: "You are a school teacher, right? Madam, I am about to realize my lifelong wish." Sit down at that table and write: I drove through a red light 500 times.

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Who Should be Given the Present

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, ?Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told? he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: ?You play with it, Daddy!?

　One has five The child's father returned home with a toy, called the children together and asked to whom the gift should be given. ?Who is the most obedient, never talks back to her mother, and does whatever she is told? He asked. Everyone was silent. After a while, the children said in unison: "Dad, you can play." ?;