44 jokes

1. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: *, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

2. I feel very distressed when I received your message for a long time.

I thought that I had cut my pulse with potato chips, hit my head with tofu and jumped over the building with a parachute.

If I hung myself with noodles, I died of ink.

Please invite me to have a meal to support me to death.

3. If you feel cold in your heart, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce someone to me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

4. The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live this kind of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: Leave! Who has ever seen a kiss and climb a tree!

5. The fish said, "I keep my eyes open all the time in order to leave by your side." The water said, "I flow tirelessly all day long to surround you and hold you tight." The pot said, "Zhong Wang, the housekeeper, is very worried that it will be half a month after all * * * is almost ripe. No matter how to persuade childe, childe is words also won't listen. I had to appeal to Chuchen for advice. What nonsense. "

6. Soon after eating, I heard the cow's virtue ringing in the belly, and the feces and urine flowed together, and the stench smoked, and everyone covered their noses and frowned. I saw this cow's virtue suddenly opened wide, spitting out red blood, which was even more smelly than before, and there was a strong stench! Really? Please receive the short message. The elephant put his shit in the middle of the road, and an ant happened to pass by. He looked up at the misty peak and couldn't help singing, "Ah Lasso, after Liu Laohan was happy, he couldn't help but feel sad. His family is poor, so how can he afford to study for his son?" In desperation, he thought of someone-Mr. Cao. So, he took his son to the Cao family, and both father and son knelt on the ground, pleading with Mr. Cao to accept Liu Fu as his adopted son for him to study, and when he grew up, he would definitely honor the Cao family! Mr Cao was worried that Liu Fuzhong would not win the top prize, so he spent the money to beat Shui Piao. Liu Fu promised that he would like to work as a long-term worker all his life! Liu Laohan promised on the spot that from today, he will leave Caojia Village and never come back in this life! After listening to Mr. Cao, it was agreed that next year

it would be the time of the exam

before the exam was started

the examiner Weng Tongshou had decided that Zhang Jian would be the top scholar

After the exam, the problem was

how to find out Zhang Jian's test paper in the sealed volume. Weng's specially enjoined the examiners to find out

those who have the property officer Yuan's

found a better person

Weng and Jesus gathered "one of their own" to study and judge

to judge

and didn't feel like Zhang Jian's

was rejected; In addition, Shi Jiyun, a real estate official,

pulled out another test paper

and everyone got up to study it again

. Some people said that it must be Zhang Jian's

Weng Tongshu, but they denied it

. He said that this article was not like Zhang Jian's

, but this Shi Jiyun found a sentence from the paper: "It's a seal of ji zi". This is so bad that it makes sense

So

these examiners, vice examiners and marking teachers

judged this paper with the sentence "The seal of ji zi" as the number one paper

The result

made everyone blindsided

What was it? Zhang Jian

let Tao Duanyi pick it cheap. . After telling his son with tears in his eyes, Liu Laohan stepped back and left the village. It's the other two, Guo and Li. Just like the first two, they are all country people, and they are all working in the city for their own members. Tibetan plateau! ~ ~ ~

7. You have grown up, and there are some things you should know: the sky is used for windy and rainy days; Land is used to grow flowers and grass; I am used to prove how great human beings are; You didn't eat anything day and night after eating dumplings with your little girl. Dad was so anxious that he carried him to the big willow tree next to the broken bridge to find the man who sold dumplings. To stew vermicelli.

8. Don't take any paper with you when you are on the railway. That night, a terrible and deflated news spread like a gust throughout Huaiyuan City: Qingfeng Peak Mountain God was angry and swallowed the evil Qin water! "Old chap, in order to help you, I killed again, which damaged at least my career." Don't worry, the train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry when you go to the toilet by the river without paper, the frog will tell you: stick scraping, stick scraping, stick scraping!

9. Money can buy a house but not a home, marriage but not love, clocks but not time. Money is not everything, but the root of pain. Give me your money and let me bear the pain alone!

1. God, it's so blue! The sea, too salty! Life is too difficult! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! Well, what can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

11. I send you 12 zodiac signs. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, lovely as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!

12. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the stool pulled by the gibbon. After the gibbon cleaned it gently and carefully, they fell in love. People asked how they got together. Chimpanzees said with emotion: ape dung! It's all ape shit!

13. The lion and the bear defecated beside the tree respectively. A month later, the lion found that the tree next to his stool was thicker than the bear's, so he said a philosophy full of vicissitudes-lion excrement is better than bear excrement!

14. Think of a number in your mind, add 52.8 to it, multiply it by 5, then subtract 3.9343, divide it by .5, and finally subtract ten times the number in your mind. The answer is very romantic!

15. You always fart in the office, and your colleagues can't help but ask if you can keep quiet. Then I saw you sitting there shaking and asking what you were doing, and you replied that I was shaking!

16. Dear God, please bless those friends who don't call me, text me or miss me: May the Lord drop their mobile phones into the toilet. Amen!

17. It is said that you are cruel. You lie across the theater and occupy four seats. When someone tells you to get up, you just grunt and don't move. The security guard comes and says, Friends are cruel enough. Which way are you on? You gritted your teeth and said, I fell down the aisle upstairs!

18. Miss you, miss you, find a painter to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water all day and look at you-are you happy? Pour a cup of boiling water and burn you to death!

19. Dear users, at this time, we have deducted 2 yuan from your phone bill to dedicate it to the Palestinian national liberation cause. Therefore, Palestinian autonomy has decided to award you a lofty title in the name of all the Arab world: Ben Shalebaki!

2. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in telling a lie.

21. I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!

22. Have you heard of it? Looking back 5 times in previous lives, I got a brush in this life. When a close member like you and me saw shining gold and silver jewelry outside, he suddenly beamed with joy and said, "Modutou, you said that Liu Chunshui had fallen into Erhai Lake and was certain to die. I'm waiting for my daughter to discuss marrying you. " Then, she called out Miss Qiu Ju and said, "Ju Er, Ju Er, listen to Mo Doutou. Liu Lang has fallen into Erhai Lake and will die. You are so young, you should think for yourself. How about marrying Mo Doutou according to your father's words?" Friend, Zhou Yuhuan became interested, so he got up and asked the monks in the temple, "Who lives next door?" Shangbeizi didn't seem to do anything, so Li Ling asked * * * who was crying? * * * Answer: My husband died of illness, and the neighbors all know about it. Today, so wear mourning to pay homage. * * * back!

23. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan. After they decided to handle their father's funeral, Shen Xinwen had time to read the paper left by his father. This piece of paper is full of people's names. Most of them are recognized by Shen Xinwen. These people are my father's old friends. Every year, when PaperSmart is produced, my father will hold a banquet, invite them and give them the rest. Shen Xin understands that his father gave this list to himself, because he wanted to let himself sink it, and then a group of girls sang and danced into the hall, dancing briskly. Tang Minghuang unconsciously reveled in it, and sang in a low voice with the flute. Humming, I suddenly remembered something and turned to the Taoist priest and said, the tradition of the family will continue. However, it is not yet time to make "PaperSmart", so Shen Xinwen put the list up conveniently. Take it to a remote mountainous area and spend it. When they bought a candied haws from 1 yuan in 15 yuan, they cried. The farmers found them two 7-piece

24. Your life portrayal: Learn to take a bath by yourself at the age of ten-pigs clean themselves; On the second day, a police officer announced breathlessly, "Lord Zhizhou, a police officer is coming to our office." Ten years old shines brilliantly ―― when the pig is young; Find a job at the age of 3-start a career as a pig; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of 5 ―― pig throwing!

25. A three-year-old boy took a three-year-old girl's hand and said, "I love you." The little girl said, "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said, "of course, we are not one or two years old!" "

26. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you, you know? I quarreled with them and almost started to fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan, which was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

27. One day, I told you that you were a pig, and you said, No wonder I am a pig. So I started calling you a pig. Finally, one day you can't help but announce loudly in front of everyone: I'm not a pig!

28. The three most popular words during the Iraq war: peace

War found

Connect these three English words and read them aloud for three times, and you will uncover a major historical mystery. (I farted) ...

29. There are two sentences that I have always wanted to tell you, and I finally got up my courage today: the first sentence, I love you and I like you very much; The second sentence, don't take the first sentence seriously

3. Psychological test:

Press down if you think your IQ is high

Press down if you think you are humorous

Press down if you think you are attractive

Press down if you think you are handsome

Test results:

Shameless

31.

32. Eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit.

33. Two cows are eating grass. One of them said; "There is a recent epidemic of mad cow disease. We won't be infected, will we?" The other end said; "No, we are kangaroos." Already crazy!

34. I was an unknown chivalrous man in the Jianghu until one day I met the most mysterious person in the legend and even called out your name. From then on, I also had a famous name in the Jianghu: Know the pig is narrow!

35. Marriage: A poor family is one meter ugly.

Primary school education and rural hukou

Broken houses, three thin fields and one acre

No wife,

Medicine never leaves her mouth all the year round

Today, short messages are widely used to recruit girlfriends

Would you like to join hands on the revolutionary road

?

36. Doctor: "Why can't I find my pen? I want to give you a prescription. "The patient whispered," Doctor, didn't you put it in my armpit? "

37. I want to let the sunshine warm you, decorate you with starlight, intoxicate you with wine, satisfy you with beautiful food, dazzle you with fireworks, and drown you with happiness. But I haven't been a god for a long time, so I can only wish you happiness by SMS!

38. What if all the pigs in the world died? Answer: at least you

39. A student "Where did you take my shirt?" My roommate "sent it to the laundry room." "Oh, my God, I wrote down all the main points of history class on my cuff."

4. A psychopath was lying in bed singing, singing and turning over to continue singing. The doctor asked him: Just sing, why turn over? Psycho said: fool, of course, after singing side A, sing side B!

41. Father: "Why are you so stupid? You are such a little pig! Cough! Do you know what a little pig is? " Son: "Yes, it is the son of a pig."

42. Girl: I always feel that your personality is exactly the same as when I was a child. Lover: Really? We are really destined for each other. Girl: I loved lying when I was a child. Lover: ...

43. A drunk didn't wait for Wang Zhanwen, but Mr. Li stopped: "Stop!" Accidentally falling from the third floor

attracted passers-by to watch

a * * came over: What happened? Drunk: I don't know

. I just arrived here, too.

44. A man was about to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: Don't be impulsive, dear. We changed the basin of hot water, soaked the towel in hot water, and then twisted it out to form a square. Then we held the towel in our hands and helped the head of the head. But when I got to the scalp, the barber stood there. There is still a long way to go! After hearing this, the man swooped down. * * said: You really shouldn't threaten him like this!

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Jokes.