Ancient jokes

Sending a plaque

A man boasted that he could pass the imperial examination and said: "I dreamed at night that someone playing drums came

to give me a plaque." His A friend said: "I also dreamed that someone gave you a plaque with four words written on it: How unreasonable."

Shivering

Someone grew up in a wealthy place. He spent money to buy a fifth-rank official, but he didn't know the sufferings of the people. One winter, he went out on inspection. I saw a beggar standing shivering in the cold wind. He felt very strange, so he asked his attendant: "

Why is this man's body always moving?" The attendant said: "It's because it's cold and his clothes are thin and he's shaking."

This man is even more excited. He felt strange and said, "Isn't it cold if you shake it?"

A rich man bought a barrel of wine, put a towel on the barrel and sealed it. His servant

A hole was drilled in the bottom, and he drank wine every day. The rich man found that the seal was intact, but the volume of wine was decreasing day by day, and he was surprised. Someone suggested that he check the barrel. The rich man looked at the bottom to see if there was any flaw. The rich man replied: "You are really a fool. Yes

The wine above is missing, but the wine below is not missing at all." ...

A man was invited to a banquet. When the host poured wine, he only poured half a cup at a time. The man

then said to the host: "There is a saw at home. Please lend me a saw." Asked: "What's the use of borrowing it?" The guest pointed to the wine glass and said: "Since the upper half of this wine glass cannot contain wine, it should be sawed off. What is left? Use?"

Joint venture to produce wine

Two friends were planning to jointly produce wine. A said to B: "You provide the rice and I provide the water." B said: "

I can produce the rice, but how can I share the profits after it is turned into wine?" A said, "I will never let you suffer.

After producing the wine, I only want the water, and the rest will go to me. "You."

Shoot a riddle

Wumen Zhang was young and curious, and there were intruders every day, pretending to be a riddle and sticking it to the door: "Shoot Xu

Enter”. The riddle goes: "If you are old, you are not old; if you are shy, you are good or not." There is no middle-of-the-road; Wang Bai

Gu Sheyun: "When Taigong met King Wen at eighty, he was old but not old; Ganluo was ten The second is the prime minister, no matter how young he is. If the door is closed, he can eat it alone, which is shameful. If the door is opened, everyone can eat, okay?" Zhang laughed.

Isn’t it faster

A man was ordered to deliver an urgent document, and his boss specially gave him a fast horse. But he just ran behind the horse. A passerby asked him: "Since it is so urgent, why don't you ride a horse?" He said:

"Walking with six feet together is faster than four feet?"

Willing to die

There was an emperor who loved playing the piano the most, but his playing was so bad that the civil servants and concubines of the court and the concubines could not stand his music.

The emperor searched the entire court, but could not find a confidant.

He sent a message to pull a death row prisoner from prison. The emperor promised: "As long as you say that I play the piano well

I will save you from death." Unexpectedly, the emperor had just played half of the piano when the prisoner on death row shouted: "Your Majesty

p>Please stop playing, I am willing to die!"

Picked up the straw rope

Someone committed the crime of stealing and was put in chains by the government. Someone asked him: "What serious crime did he commit?" He sighed: "A person is so unlucky that he bumps into the boards when he walks. Yesterday I accidentally saw him on the street. There was a straw rope on it, and I thought it would be useful in the future, so I picked it up..." The questioner asked: "Is it such a heavy sentence for picking up a straw rope?" Just listen to the prisoner. Continued: "Unexpectedly

There is also a cow tied to the other end of the straw rope!

Yandou Industry

A wealthy businessman was very stingy. He put Put the salted beans into the bottle, and use chopsticks to pick up a few beans every time you eat.

He was eating that day. Suddenly, someone told him: "Your son is eating a lot of fish and meat in the restaurant!" After hearing this, the wealthy businessman cursed: "Who am I working so hard to save for?"

" Then he poured out a handful of salt beans from the bottle, stuffed them all into his mouth, and said while chewing: "I will lose, too

"

Like father, like son

There is a man who is arrogant and never lets others. One day, as he was walking on the street, no one came from the opposite direction and didn't give way to him. Of course he refused to give in, so the two of them faced each other in a stalemate. After a long time, the man's father came to him and asked him anxiously: "Why are you standing here? Your family is waiting for you to buy rice and go back to cook!" "I can't leave, this No one will give way to me

" "Then you go buy rice, and I will stand here for you to see who gives way to whom in the end!"

Ba Zi

A scholar met a monk. The scholar thought about the monk's ugliness, so he asked the monk: "Master

Master, how do you write the word "bald" for "bald donkey"?" The monk said: "It is the word "show" for scholar. Just bend your butt a little

"

Celebrate Passover

It's time to celebrate Passover. A newlywed couple did not understand the complicated holiday etiquette, so the husband asked his wife to take a peek at the neighbor's blacksmith's house. The wife approached the window and saw that the blacksmith was beating her with a coal shovel! After the wife came home, her husband asked her what she saw, but she still refused to tell. Finally, the husband became angry and hit her with a coal shovel. She cried

and said: "Since you know everything, why did you send me to do it?"

Faste mosquitoes

A monk wanted to fast mosquitoes with blood. When there were a lot of mosquitoes, the monk couldn't bear the itching, so he struck them with his hands left and right. People on the sidelines asked: "You want to feed the mosquitoes, why do you hit them again?" The monk said: "They have eaten and eaten again, so you have to hit them."

The Story of a Scholar

A scholar took a scholar to take an exam. The hat fell off on the way. The book boy said: The hat fell to the ground.

The scholar hurriedly said: Don’t say landing, say touching the ground.

The book boy helped the scholar pick up the hat and fasten it firmly on the scholar's head, and then said:

This time it will never reach the ground again.

Stingy

A landlord couple are notoriously stingy. One day, the man went to the city and wanted to go to the toilet while walking, but then he thought: Such good fertilizer cannot be made easier for others. So I kept holding it in. Later, I couldn't hold it in any longer, so I found a toilet and went to the toilet.

But apart from a few farts, nothing came out. So I felt very proud. Go back home and tell your old lady about your experience. Unexpectedly, my wife was furious when she heard this: You prodigal son, how can you live like this? It would be great to save these farts to blow the lamp!

Crooked Poetry

Once upon a time, there was a scholar named "Xipo" who always boasted of himself as Su Shi. It was a severe drought, and Taishou set up an incense burner to pray for rain.

He ordered him to compose a poem to remember this grand occasion.

The scholar wrote a poem: "The prefect prayed for rain, and all the people were grateful. Last night I opened the window and saw the moon."

The prefect was furious and sent him to Yunyang.

His uncle gave it to him. Before Bin said farewell, the scholar saw that his uncle was blind, so he gave him a poem: "I am sent to Yunyang, and seeing my uncle is like seeing my mother."

Everyone burst into tears, three lines."

When he arrived at the palace, the official liked his poem, named his wife as the title, and asked him to recite the poem. The scholar said: "With the sound of jingling rings, Madam

came out of the back hall. A small three-inch golden lotus was measured horizontally."

The official was annoyed and made him laugh at himself. The scholar sighed: "The ancients were called Dongpo, but today I am called Xipo. If we compare the two, they are much different."

Tea shed

A scholar went to a tea shed to drink tea. There was a nun in the shed because he didn’t recognize a word in the scriptures, so he went to ask

to teach the scholar: "Excuse me, this monk, how do you pronounce this word?"

When the scholar heard others call him a supervisor, he wanted to show off his talent and knowledge, so he said: "This monk, I want to know how to mourn.

"Sure, the supervisor and the scholar are the same at the top, but different in the belly." When the nun heard that he actually called her a monk, she said disapprovingly: "You should know that Qi and Zhai, a nun and a monk,"

The cassocks are the same, but the crotch is different."

A little girl serving tea in the tea shed couldn't help but burst into laughter. They both turned around and said, "Sister-in-law,

Why are you laughing?"

When an unmarried girl heard them calling her sister-in-law, she said angrily: "You have to know what is good and what is good, girl and sister-in-law.

, the whole body is the same, but the circles are different. ”

Note: 1. In ancient times, proctors were bought with money, while scholars had to take exams, but the hats were the same. 2. I guess

I may have put a circle on "好" before to distinguish the pronunciation. There is no mark in the original text. Please comment

if you know it.

Received salary without merit

The crown prince of a certain emperor of the Jin Dynasty gave the ministers a soup and cake banquet. A senior official stood up and said: "Congratulations to your majesty on the heir.

I feel ashamed that we have received this salary for no merit."

The Emperor Zhengse said, "What are you talking about?"

Young monk

There was a little monk who ran into the yard in the middle of the night with a long bamboo pole, waving and beating it against the night sky, causing a lot of trouble.

Finally, the old monk was alarmed. The old monk shouted and asked: "What are you doing if you don't sleep in the middle of the night?" The young monk frightened and mustered up the courage to answer: "Master, I want the stars in the sky, but no matter what I do, I tried my best to hit, but I just couldn't get it down..." When the old monk heard this, he became furious and cursed: "You stupid idiot, you can't even ask such a simple question. I don’t know, it’s so unforgivably stupid.

You wouldn’t climb to the roof.

The couple had a fight.

Late one night, a couple was quarreling...

Husband: Okay, stop making trouble. You will disturb the neighbors in the middle of the night.

My wife argued hard: There are five watches a night, but it is obviously two and a half in the middle of the night. Why do you say three watches?

After arguing for a while, the husband thought his wife was being unreasonable and slapped her angrily!

The wife shouted: Help, I beat someone to death in the middle of the night!

Husband: I told you earlier that there was no need to be beaten in the middle of the night.

Once upon a time, there was a man who had been suffering from diarrhea for a long time. Ah San, who was next to him, told him a folk remedy:

Use the bamboo sticks of the dung truck to boil water to drink. The man went back and tried it. But the pulling got even worse. He went to find Asan. Asan sighed and said, "Bamboo sticks can block such a big cart of dung, but they can't." p>As for your point, alas, there is nothing I can do about it."

A guest came to visit. When we talked until noon, the host excused himself and went into the back room to have dinner.

Everything was fine when he came out. They were all talking and laughing.

The guest knew this and looked up at the beams of the house and said, "It's very badly eaten by insects

."

" Why can't I see it?"

The guest said: "Of course, he is eating inside!"

There once was a man who couldn't find anything to do every day, so he just knew Looking for things to make things difficult for others.

Causing trouble for others.

One day, he went out for a walk again and deliberately staggered while walking. At this time, there was a gentleman in the distance.

The farmer who was plowing the fields gave the cow a whip and scolded him: "It's useless, it's staggering around.

What's it like?" The man listened. , thinking to himself: "Isn't this an obvious scolding of me? Humph, I will definitely scold you to death." He walked up to the farmer angrily, and was about to get angry, but suddenly When he saw a farmer picking up a piece of mud from the ground and stuffing it into the cow's butt, he couldn't help laughing and asked: "Hey, what are you doing?"

The farmer chuckled and said, "If I had known he was going to have diarrhea, I would have picked up a piece of mud and bet it!"

Zhang San went out and said to his son before leaving: "If anyone asks your father, , just say you are going far away." He was afraid that his son would forget

so he wrote a note and gave it to his son, and then left.

The son was afraid of forgetting, so he didn't Jin took out the note and read it. On the third day, his son accidentally burned the note while reading it under the lamp.

On the fourth day, a guest suddenly arrived. , asked about your father. The son was busy looking for the note, but of course he couldn't find it, so he said: "It's gone." The guest was shocked and asked: "When was it gone?" The son thought for a moment and said: "It was burned last night."

Once upon a time, there was a man who took his son to a friend's house as a guest. When they arrived at a friend's house, the friend's son was so enthusiastic, "Hi,

Shibo Shibo￣", and he took them into the yard. Dad saw a cow tied up in the yard. It was so strong, so he said, "Your cow is so strong." The friend's son replied: "You are a little beast, what's the big deal?" The father asked again: "Where's your father?" The answer was: "Go to the mountain to play chess with the old monk. Tonight we will Spend the night in the temple." I looked up and saw a good painting.

I asked, "What painting is this?" Answer: "Ancient paintings of the Tang Dynasty".

After his father went back, he taught his son: "Look at other people's children. They are very good at talking." The son was not convinced, "Hey, I can do it too."

Next time someone else will come. When the time comes, don’t panic and listen from behind.”

My friend paid a return visit two days later. A friend asked his son: "Where is your father?" "You are a little beast, why do you care?" "What about your mother?" "I was playing chess with the old monk on the mountain, and tonight I am in the temple. Spend the night there." "ah?!". The father couldn't bear it anymore, so he jumped out and slapped him, "What are these words?" The son touched his cheek and said, "An old saying from the Tang Dynasty."

There was a man whose ears were always pinched by his wife. Either one was red or the other was swollen.

A friend came to visit and saw his ears red and swollen, so he said: : "What's wrong with your ears?" He said, "There's a problem at home.

The mouse bit him in the middle of the night."

As soon as he finished speaking, his wife ran out of the house and licked her again and again. Twisting his ears and saying: "How dare you call me a mouse

I am a mouse!"

Once upon a time, there was a man who went to see a fortune teller, and the fortune teller touched his hand and looked at it. The Prime Minister said: "The men's hands are like cotton, and there is a lot of money around them. The women's hands are like ginger, and their belongings are piled in boxes." After hearing this, the man was overjoyed and said: " Great, my wife's hands are like ginger!" The fortune teller asked: "Why

can you see that your wife's hands are like ginger?"

The man said: "I was slapped in the mouth by her yesterday, and it's still burning now!"

Zhang San is most afraid of his wife, but he is also good at face. One day, his friend Li Si made fun of him outside and said He

is afraid of his wife.

Zhang San said: "No way, my wife obeys me in everything at home." Li Si didn't believe it, so he made an appointment with him

Let’s go to this person’s house the next day. When Zhang San returned home, he begged his wife: “Wife, Li Si is coming tomorrow.

Just give me a face. Arrive When Li Si comes, do whatever I ask you to do. After he leaves, you can do to me whatever you want. Okay." At first, Zhang San's wife didn't agree. , but Zhang San stubbornly

begged shamelessly and agreed.

After Li Si came, Zhang San’s wife was indeed very obedient. Li Si was greatly moved and played It took a long time before leaving. Li Si

As soon as his front legs were out, Zhang San’s wife took out a wooden stick and asked Zhang San to lie down on the bench and spank him.

Li Si suddenly I remembered that I had forgotten to bring my straw hat. When I came back, I was shocked and asked Zhang San: "What's going on?"

Zhang San said: "She wanted to chop up this bench and use it as firewood. She said it was night She wants to cook dumplings for me, but this bench is my family's ancestral property. Even if she beats me to death, I can't let her chop it down."

There is a general, He fought bravely and made many military exploits, but he was very afraid of his wife. He was often called back by his wife at critical moments in the battle. His subordinates were aggrieved, so they agreed on a date when the general would send him back. The team gathered together,

beating the war drums loudly, and walked towards the general's palace to embolden the general and suppress the madam's arrogance.

After arriving at the general's palace, the madam came out and saw My husband was riding a tall horse with a large group of people. When he saw her, he refused to dismount and said angrily: "What are you going to do?"

The general was so frightened that he fell off his horse. , and said quickly: "I have assembled the troops, please let me go to the parade, madam."

Zhang San is a teacher who teaches Chinese characters, but in the end no one invited him, so he had to find a wife to work in the fields.

But he couldn’t do any work. His wife scolded him every day, and he couldn’t hold his head up because he was afraid of her.

One day, his wife asked him to go plowing He pulled the cow into the field and shouted to the cow: "Plow the field, plow the field." But the cow ignored him at all. After a while, his wife came over and saw him. He scolded Jun Huan? Then he put a harness on the ox himself, waved his whip and started plowing the ground.

Zhang San watched from the side and suddenly realized: "Oh, It turns out that I thought I was afraid of my wife alone, but it turns out that cows are also afraid of my wife."

A monkey said to its master: "I don't want to be a monkey anymore, I want to be a human." The master said : "If you want to be a human, you must pluck all the hair on your body

." The monkey said: "Okay." The master brought tweezers to pull out. As soon as he pulled out one hair, the monkey screamed in pain. I don’t want to pluck it out anymore.

The master said: "How can you be a human being if you don’t want to pluck out a hair!"

There once was a Mr. Cowhide , thought he was good at speaking, he heard that there was a farmer in a neighboring village who could speak better than him, in public

>

He boasted about Haikou and said: "Huh, if you want to win against him, you only need to open your mouth half way."

The next day, Mr. Niupi went to find the farmer and deliberately used paper in his mouth. Halfway through, he happened to meet a farmer's child, and asked: "Where is your father?"

The child said: "My father has gone to farm."

"Where to plow the fields?"

"On the edge of the pot."

"What kind of fields are you plowing?"

"Plow the pot!" "

"Hee hee," Mr. Niu Pi said amusedly: "Aren't you afraid that the cow dung will fall into the pot?"

『⑺?" It doesn't matter, the cow's butt is made of paper. He's here."

After hearing this, Mr. Niu Pi passed out.

There once was a man who was uneducated and incompetent, but loved to pretend to be elegant.

One day , someone told him that his string had been broken recently. He didn't understand what a broken string was, so he had to agree. The man looked at his face and said, "The woman is dead."

After that A few days later, this man's mother unfortunately died of illness. Others saw him wearing mourning clothes and asked him: "What's wrong?" He replied politely: "The string is broken." They said : "Broken string? Why are you wearing mourning clothes?" He thought for a moment and said

"I broke my old string!"

Drink water

A farmer, about half illiterate, came into the city one day under the scorching sun. My mouth was dry as I walked, and I wanted to find a place that sold water. I suddenly saw a plaque hanging in front of a store that read: Clear Pool. It was supposed to be a bathhouse, but he only recognized the word in the middle: water. I thought it was a place selling water and had to ask the waiter to bring the water. The shopkeeper couldn't resist him, so he asked someone to bring him some bath water. This person couldn't care less about the taste and drank it after a few sips. After thanking him, he left, but threw the cattail leaf fan on the counter. When the shopkeeper saw it, he ran up and gave it to him. The farmer was very grateful and said: "Shopkeeper, you'd better sell your tea as soon as possible. It's already a bit rancid." I like peace and quiet, and I live between the copper and blacksmiths. I listen to it all day and night, and it is painful. I often say, "If the two families move here, I would like to thank you." One day, The two craftsmen suddenly came together and said, "We are moving now, and we have promised to make the east, so I came here to kowtow." When asked about the date, he said, "Only tomorrow." The man was very happy, so he paid him a large sum of money. After drinking, he asked, "Where will your two families move to?" The second craftsman said, "I moved to his house, and he moved to mine."