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How to realize nonviolent communication

As a beneficiary of nonviolent communication practice, I want to say that to realize nonviolent communication, we must "use love and heart". Feel each other's needs with love and heart.

Give me an example of myself.

Through nonviolent communication, I found that my husband attaches great importance to protecting privacy.

One Saturday, I slept until I woke naturally. After washing, I found that my husband had made breakfast and served it.

"I feel so happy," I thought. So I took out my mobile phone and prepared to take a photo before I set off.

"Eat quickly, don't take photos and send friends." Husband suddenly came up with such a sentence.

I thought to myself, what happened when I took pictures, what happened when I sent a circle of friends, why did you stop me like this? Naturally unhappy in my heart, I silently began to eat wonton, not talking, and ignoring my husband.

My husband saw that I was unhappy and began to coax me. Washing dishes, mopping the floor, telling jokes ... I suddenly realized that what I am doing at the moment is not what I said in non-violent communication, trying to give in to me in a way that makes others feel guilty. No, I should practice nonviolent communication to solve this problem.

So we lay on the sofa and had the following conversation.

Me: Just now, I took out my mobile phone to take pictures. You told me not to take pictures and send them to friends. I want to know how you felt at that time. (Asking each other how they feel)

He: I think you are showing off.

Me: This is your "idea" and I want to know your "feeling".

He: I feel anxious. Because if my colleagues see your circle of friends, they will know that we ate wonton soup today.

Me: So you don't want your colleagues to know what we ate?

He: Well, because I think our privacy will be lost. You always like to post about our lives. Sometimes when I go to work, they will say, Wow, what did you eat yesterday, which makes me very uncomfortable.

Me: So you really need to protect our privacy, right? (Listen to each other's needs)

He: Right.

Me: OK, I'll pay attention to it later. I also want to express my feelings and needs about this matter, can I?

He: Right.

Me: You stopped me when I wanted to take a picture. (Observation), I felt very sad (feeling) at that time, because I like to share my happiness and joy (need). If you don't mind, I will block your colleagues when I post these clips in the future, okay? (request)

He: Good idea!

I am very happy and cherish this conversation between us. Although we have been together for several years, if we didn't practice nonviolent communication deliberately today, I might not find what he cares about-protecting privacy.

If I am as angry as before, then my husband will compromise and coax me, knowing that I will be unhappy when I am stopped, so I will bear it silently in the future and never stop me from taking pictures and making friends again; Or I take his "I think you are showing off" as an attack, and the gap between us will certainly deepen.

But through nonviolent communication, we better understand each other's feelings and needs, and also deepen our ties.

Non-violent communication, referred to as NVC, is a powerful and effective way of communication, which includes two aspects: expressing yourself honestly and listening to others with concern. It aims to promote us to establish sincere contact with ourselves and others, and meet everyone's needs through sincere efforts.

How to realize nonviolent communication?

To achieve nonviolent communication, there are four steps: observation, feeling, need and request.

Observation: truthfully describe what you see or hear: "When I see/hear …" Pay attention to the difference between observation and evaluation here. Observation is a statement without any personal color, and once we label something about someone, it is evaluation rather than observation.

Feelings: Describe your feelings at that time: "I feel …" Here, we should pay attention to distinguish feelings from thoughts and judgments. Feel happy, angry, miserable, disappointed, etc.

Demand: Speak your demand directly and get a positive response. This is particularly evident when women communicate with men. Just say "because I need/value …" so that the other person can respond positively to you. Don't expect to say something ambiguous to make the other person guess. In most cases, you will be disappointed.

Requirements: The more specific the requirements, the better; "I was thinking, do you agree ...? "Pay attention to distinguish between requests and commands here. When the request is not met, if the person who makes the request criticizes and tries to use the guilt of the other party to achieve the goal, this is an order.

To sum up, when we need to express ourselves truly: "When I see/hear …, I feel … because I need/value …, will you?" When we need to care and listen to others: "When you see/hear …, do you think … because you need/value …, would you like to …?" (The last step can be omitted. Many times, they just need to be understood. )

Non-violent communication is worth reading repeatedly and must be put into practice and recommended to everyone.