Abandon the money banquet - I look at the followers and gifts

一

China is a human society, full of human feelings and face. Reciprocal events such as weddings and funerals were originally an opportunity to express joy or sadness, to draw closer to relatives and friends, and to add human touch. However, they have become a headache and their purpose has been partially alienated. This kind of headache comes from being a follower, from what people often call "gifting", that is, you have to pay a gift to attend a banquet, and it is a decent gift, or even a huge burden.

The purpose of our marriage and the purpose of celebrating our children's birthdays is to share joy and enhance family ties, not to share the money in the gift account. However, in the eyes of some people, weddings are no longer about getting married, and children’s birthdays are no longer about celebrating their birthdays, but about the numbers on the gift account and the banknotes in the envelope. All of this has been alienated, means have become ends, money and gifts are for family and friendship, but now, family and friendship have become slaves to money.

China has a long tradition of giving gifts, which is inseparable from the development characteristics of Chinese history and society. There are countless farming villages in the Yangtze River and Yellow River basins in China. People settle down and know each other. People in the village look up without looking down. Neighbors, relatives and friends will help a family when something happens, and the whole village knows about a wedding or funeral. Over time, the relationship became closer. A family's wedding expenses are huge, and every ordinary family has limited funds, so relatives and friends will help with some money or food and wine to hold a decent wedding. When an elderly member of the family dies, everyone will support him during the funeral and provide monetary compensation. Therefore, over time, people will form the habit of entertaining each other and accompanying each other at weddings and funerals. This is the embodiment of the cohesion of traditional Chinese society under the conditions of backward productivity. We help each other to overcome difficulties, and you come and I go. Later, this kind of active help turned into passive invitation. Once someone else's invitation came, out of favor and face, you had to go to the banquet and give the gift.

The initial gift was the result of neighbors, relatives and friends helping each other. What a wonderful beginning. Before the Ming Dynasty, the ancients generally did not give money directly when attending weddings, but practical things to show their favor, so there was no heavy financial burden. But with the development of society, everything has changed. In the Ming Dynasty, Zhu Yuanzhang established a rural drinking ceremony system. Hundreds of families gathered for dinner and drinks in the Spring and Autumn Period to cultivate collective consciousness. "The Ministry of Rites: Township Drinking Ceremony" records, "Anyone from my hometown...who has marriage or funeral needs, I can help them as much as I can." This encouraged the custom of giving feasts in the countryside. In his later years, Zhu Yuanzhang said in the "Education of the People":

The people in the village range from rich to poor. Death, injury, good or bad luck in marriage, etc., no one has it. From now on, whenever we encounter this kind of thing in our household, we will give each other some help. And if the children of a certain family are getting married, and a certain family is poor and embarrassed, and it is difficult to deal with it for a while, each household in a mile may have one banknote, a hundred households in a village, it is a hundred coins, and each household with five coins is five hundred coins. With such funding, wouldn’t it be successful? In the future, marriages in a certain family will also follow this method and take turns giving weekly gifts.

This is undoubtedly the official advocate of suizi money, which laid the foundation for the future rise of suizi in Chinese society. In the Yuan Dynasty, senior officials held banquets and directly deducted members' money from the salaries of their subordinates, just like deducting personal income tax directly from wages. In the Qing Dynasty, the Eight Banners of the Manchu people spent lavishly on red and white undertakings in order to show their nobility and make money among the elite. After the founding of the People's Republic of China, Chairman Mao advocated simplicity, corrected unhealthy tendencies, and completely eliminated drug abuse, gambling, and prostitution in the motherland. Capitalist behavior full of copper stench such as heavy payments of money and gifts was not tolerated by the party and the country, and people restored To the era of simple folk customs and simple gift-giving. Enamel cups, Chairman Mao's quotations, thermos bottles, etc. have become the first choice for people to give each other gifts.

After the reform and opening up, unhealthy trends have resurfaced. On the one hand, the development of the market economy has brought prosperity, but on the other hand, people’s corruption, comparison, extravagance, and money worship have resurfaced, seriously damaging the Socialist morality was something that leaders such as Mao and Deng could not have expected. Pornography, gambling, drugs and unhealthy trends that have been eliminated for nearly 30 years have made a comeback. People often miss the simplicity of people's hearts, the health of social atmosphere, and the simplicity of people's lives in the past. This is what people miss enough despite the failures in socialist construction in the past. At that time, although there was a lack of material resources, and sometimes they even had insufficient food to eat, and they wore the same clothes for many years, people were always in high spirits, always healthy and full of energy. We miss the healthy spirit and upbeat atmosphere of the past.

2

Of course, the phenomenon of paying large sums of money for gifts has different manifestations in different regions of China. In some places, it is so serious that one-third of the monthly salary is recorded on others. on the gift account. In some places, it is still acceptable. In 2021, it will still be the usual 200 yuan gift. For a land like Ordos, paying large sums of money for gifts has become a bad custom. The purpose of some people's banquets has been completely alienated and deteriorated. Only money comes first and favors are used as bargaining chips. Gifts of 300 yuan are rare, gifts of 500 yuan are common, and gifts of 600, 800, 1,000 or even thousands or tens of thousands are often seen. Working-class people who only earn a few thousand yuan a month are struggling painfully with favors and face. On the surface, they greet each other with smiles under the light and in front of the wine glass, but secretly they spit out fragrance.

Many extreme families make weddings and funerals a means of making money. If you get married, divorced and then remarried, you can hire two people. If you are engaged and married, you can invite two people. For the high school banquet and the university banquet, you can invite two people. In some families, after getting engaged and making a fortune, there is no future for marriage. Some people divorce and get married again, and get divorced again, with great fanfare and crowds of friends every time. Face is worthless in front of money. The sad thing is the relatives and friends who must follow the gift. The happy thing is the host who counts the money and the hotel that makes money. At any banquet, there are luxurious tables and chairs covered with red cloth at the door. One or two gift books are laid out, and the bookkeeper with a pen is sitting there upright, waving to you. The running money was recorded in the running account book, and the potbellied owner smiled happily.

Of course, many people still put family ties first, reduce the number of banquets, and refuse high gifts. We all know that life is not easy for each other, and there is no need for bravado or money to maintain a friendship. True friendship is when good friends haven't seen each other for many years, but you can still talk about the past over the phone, and you can even help. The accumulation of real wealth is earned through one's own sweat and tears, rather than relying on family ties and friendships. Many people still lose money when hosting banquets. They serve good wine and food to their relatives and friends, stay in good hotels, and receive thoughtful receptions. These are people who truly value friendship, rather than people who use friendship to make money.

People have a steelyard in their hearts to measure the success or failure of every wedding or funeral. A truly thoughtful and respectful host does not care about how generous the gift bill is, but only cares about whether friends, classmates, and family members are happy, well-fed, and happy. This is the most important thing. Our actions reflect our ideas, and our actions will be seen by the eyes of others. As long as we sincerely return to the original purpose of hosting a banquet and entertaining guests, the guests will be happy and happy, and they will respect us. Therefore, people who are worthy of respect and friendship host banquets to lose money or do not care about making money. People who are not worthy of respect and friendship host banquets just to make money. A person's quality can be judged by hosting a banquet. .

3

There are many reasons for the unhealthy trend of today's followers. Taking Ordos as an example, specific problems will be analyzed in detail.

First of all, let’s talk about the bubble economy. More than ten years ago was a golden age for the development of Ordos. The real estate market was developed wildly and private loans were surging. Everyone came here with the dream of getting rich overnight. Luxury cars were everywhere on the streets. Dongsheng, Xuejiawan, Alteng In Xire, Kangbashi and other places, walking on the street, you will see people's impetuous steps, and the voices coming from the phone are all about this and that, tens of millions and millions. The whole of Ordos seemed to be flying into the sky and taking off. The crazy atmosphere made people feel that the end was not far away. Then the world collapsed, almost overnight. The capital chain broke, the property market bubbled, and the virtual economy seriously surpassed the real economy. Ordos became a joke, a big joke. In this context of sudden wealth, people's share of money is indispensable. In that crazy era, a few hundred dollars seemed shaky. Those big leaders and big bosses who spent thousands or tens of thousands in favor were common. Therefore, even in the era of economic crisis, the gifts given by people in Ordos are still high. Now that things have returned to normal, 500 yuan has become the common standard.

Secondly, flattery is the driving force behind the followers' high position. The boss, superior, and leader sent out invitations, and the snobs under him rushed to hold big red envelopes, say blessings, and express their loyalty on the gift account. Before the 18th National Congress of the Communist Party of China, this trend was particularly bad. If you give me 500, I want 1,000. If you give me 1,000, I want 2,000. In this way, loyalty has become an auction item.

So everyone has to raise the standard. How can the original 200 or 300 be appropriate? Why not give 500 or 1,000 to followers of the leadership? Therefore, everyone is trapped by this high standard. Even if there is no money in their pockets, loans must be given to the leaders' followers.

Again, prices are rising. Ten years ago, a gift of 300 yuan was a big gift, but now, 500 yuan is barely enough. The number of gifts increases with commodity prices, only increases but not decreases. The cost of hotel meals has increased, wages have increased, and gift money has also increased. This is in line with economic laws, but its starting point is contrary to normal. For ordinary working-class people, 300 yuan accounted for at least 5%-10% of their monthly salary more than ten years ago. Now, 500 yuan accounts for 5%-10% of their monthly salary. If it happens three times a month, one-fifth or even 30% of the salary will be lost. Sorry for how difficult people’s lives are!

"Reciprocity" between each other. It is not polite to come back and not reciprocate. If you treat me, I will treat you too. The gift money given out must be taken back. Therefore, there are more and more invitations in various names. You hold one and I hold another, which is full of trouble.

Letting go of having a second child is also a big incentive. In the past, the Han people had one child per family, and the marriage would only last for one marriage and one birthday. Now with two babies, it’s super doubled. So the times are more and the frequency is more ordinary. Of course, China's huge population base has led to complex interpersonal relationships. When the inflection point of population decline approaches in 2030, there will be fewer people, and there will naturally be fewer banquets.

Four

How to change this unhealthy trend? I think the etiquette exchanges between Europe and the United States are worth learning from. When Europeans and Americans hold banquets, especially weddings, they do not give gifts but gifts. For example, in France, when getting married, immediate family members such as parents, brothers and sisters will choose suitable gifts for the newlyweds in advance. For ordinary friends, the couple will make a list of items before the wedding, and the guests attending the wedding will choose one thing to bring. Generally, in order to avoid duplication, newcomers often designate a place to purchase, and there is a dedicated person to manage it. There is no need to buy items that have been purchased before. There are expensive ones and cheap ones in the list, you can buy them according to your own financial strength. Relatives who did not attend the wedding will treat the couple to a restaurant for dinner afterwards. I think these methods are very feasible. The items are not valuable, but can express friendship. There is no need to charge 500 yuan to dominate the world.

Of course, this approach also has disadvantages, that is, the owner often loses money to hold weddings, and the quality of the items is also good or bad. Everyone's expenses for attending a wedding are very different. It takes a lot of money to purchase items and the items need to be suitable. But the biggest advantage of this is that it reduces the financial burden, and people can truly express family and friendship instead of being bound by gifts.

In a society as strong as China's favor system, the gift system cannot be abolished, but it can be changed. I think gift money is still the most appropriate form, but in some areas it has become a heavy burden for people, and this situation needs to change. The amount of gifts should be within an acceptable and reasonable range, and the number of banquets should be reduced. The gift money in Ordos today is 500 yuan. I think it is reasonable to reduce it to 300 yuan. In this case, the essence of holding banquets will not change. No one will hold banquets just to make money. This makes the income from gift money and the cost roughly equal. Return to holding banquets. The original intention is for everyone to get together and have fun. But it does not rule out that some people choose to use lower-cost, worse hotels to receive guests. The number of occasions should be reduced. No gifts for full moons, birthdays, engagements, or college entrance banquets. Only 12th birthdays, weddings, and funerals should be used as occasions for gifts. This will greatly reduce people's burden.

When our ancestors formulated the etiquette system, they never considered that gifts would become a burden on people. Starting from "Rituals", China's etiquette system has become more and more perfect. Weddings and funerals are important moments in life. It is natural for people to gather together to share joy or bear pain. But if you are bound by money, trapped by gifts, and shackled by ledgers, then everything will be meaningless.

We need etiquette, we need to get together, we need family and friendship, and human dignity, but we must put aside the sinful money banquet and let the gathering return to its original intention.

References

[1] Liu Kai. "Suite" in France [J]. Chinese Times, 2015(01):37.

[2] Yuan Wu Zhi. A brief history of Sui Ming Zi. Which ancient invented the "Zi Ming Qian" that allows people to eat dirt wherever they go? /cmsid/20200430A0H9D700.2021.1.13?

[3]Wang Haiyan. “One third of one year’s salary is a follower”[N]. Beijing Daily, 2013-06-20(002).

[4] Yu Xiaoqian. The unbearable "share money" [J]. People's Life (Second Half of the Month), 2011 (11): 22-23.

[5] Tang Zhen. The sincerity and helplessness of "suilizi" [J]. Community, 2010(24):29-30.

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