How do American men handle the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

(Required reading for boys) Even in the West, the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is equally acute. The only way to solve this "global problem" is for both husband and wife to cultivate team consciousness. Although it is the theme routine of traditional comedy that men tell jokes about their mother-in-law, real family tension often occurs between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to use his wife against his mother. Although this may sound a bit harsh, please remember that one of the basic tasks of marriage is to build a sense of "we" between husband and wife. Therefore, the husband must let his mother know that his wife really comes first. He is the husband of one woman first, and then the son of another woman. He and his wife should establish their own family rituals, values and lifestyles, and insist that his parents respect them. His mother's feelings may be hurt, but she will get used to this reality in the end. David's parents visited his new home on a weekend, and his wife Jenny booked a weekend dinner for the whole family at her favorite Italian restaurant. Jenny is excited to have the opportunity to show off this restaurant to her in-laws in Italy, mainly because her mother-in-law who is proficient in cooking often steals her thunder. But when she and David were working outside, her mother-in-law went to butcher shops and supermarkets to buy ingredients and cooked David his favorite dish-stewed calf legs. When David and Jenny came home, the air smelled of garlic and beef. Jenny was very angry when David's mother said she "forgot" to book dinner, but she wasn't surprised. David is faced with a dilemma. He knew that if he didn't eat beef, his mother would be very sad. He really wants to tell Jenny to cancel the order. Although it doesn't sound like a major crisis, it can lead to an inflection point in the marriage between David and Jenny. Jenny is afraid of her in-laws' visit, first of all, because she thinks that in the eyes of her mother-in-law, she is incapable, and her mother-in-law is a savior and can arrange their home in good order. Jenny is always far away from David's mother. In private, she will complain to David that his mother is a control freak. David insisted that this was Jenny's imagination, and she made a mountain out of a molehill. Jenny is even more annoyed. Now, Jenny holds her breath to see what David says about the feast prepared by his mother. David cleared his throat, hugged his mother, thanked her for cooking such a delicious dinner, and then said that he would put the food in the refrigerator and eat it tomorrow. David explained that he and Jenny really wanted to have a weekend family dinner with their parents in their favorite restaurant, which was very important to them. David's mother is very angry. Tears welled up in her eyes and she lost her temper. David asked his father to persuade his mother. However, when he saw Jenny so happy, David thought it was worth it. David's message to his mother is: Mom, Jenny comes first. You must get used to it. "When he let his mother know that I am the first in his heart now, then our marriage really began." Jenny recalled. Putting the spouse first and establishing this sense of unity is an important part of marriage, and at the same time, parents can't tolerate any neglect of their spouses. Before Noel learned this lesson, Noel and Evelyn's marriage was about to break up. After their son was born, Noel hoped that his parents would regard him as a good father. Although he is very busy and doesn't have much time to spend with his children, Noel takes his children to visit his parents in Lincheng every other weekend. Evelyn often goes to Noel's house on Sunday nights. From the moment she walked in the door, she felt like an outsider, as if she had disappeared from the child's life. Noel's parents don't take Evelyn seriously. They take care of their children and keep boasting about what a great father Noel is, but they will insinuate Evelyn. Evelyn knew that Noel would unconsciously speak ill of Evelyn in front of his parents in order to leave the impression of being a "good father", and he sacrificed his and Evelyn's "we" consciousness. Once Noel realized that winning parents' approval was not good for Evelyn and their marriage, he began to spend less time with his children at his parents' home, so his parents spent most of their time visiting their grandchildren on Evelyn's website. When Noel's mother was worried that the child was not full, Noel said loudly that Evelyn had just taken the child to see a pediatrician. The doctor said that the child's weight and health are ideal. When Noel's father suggested that the child should wear a thicker snowsuit, Noel told his father that Evelyn was the mother of the child and she knew better than anyone what was best for her son. At first, Noel's parents were annoyed with Noel's new attitude, but over time, they accepted Noel's change. Noel and Evelyn found their marriage more perfect. They developed a sense of teamwork and successfully completed the task of establishing a sense of "we". Six methods to deal with the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (a must for boys) The reason why some performances of married men in dealing with the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are written separately is because the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the most representative bilateral contradiction, which can best reflect and expose the shortcomings of men in dealing with interpersonal problems in marriage. Men don't have the natural adaptability of women, and they are not good at dealing with complicated family background and marital conflicts. The problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law not only challenges men's independence, coordination and organization, but also challenges men's endurance and sense of humor in the face of life troubles. Besides the Monkey King, even Pig Bajie has a mother-in-law. So many men will encounter the dispute between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. What caused the intensification, intensification and escalation of contradictions? What role should men play in this? These problems are related to women, and more to men. If men can correctly face the things that they feel powerless in the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it is helpful to reflect on whether their behavior can be improved, so as to prevent the marriage cracks caused by the election of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. One of the mistakes: not paying attention to the integration of the relationship between the two, lacking positive reconciliation. In the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, man is the link and bridge. Because of him, two women who have never met each other come together and become two members of a big family. There is an unshakable management relationship: the mother-in-law must be the leader and the daughter-in-law should be the subordinate. This is non-negotiable and vague. No matter how powerful you are, as long as you get married, you have to accept this natural arrangement. Of course, some mothers-in-law are weak and their daughters-in-law have the upper hand, but for the average person, you always need to respect your mother-in-law on the surface or in form, and all educated people have to do so. Therefore, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will never be bilateral, and will always be trilateral. Because we all come together for the same goal of a man, both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have a kind of psychology like "If I treat her well, you owe me one" in front of men, and they are subconsciously good at observing men's reactions in the process of getting along. For example, the mother-in-law is kind to her daughter-in-law, hoping that her son can pass this message on and let her know, and at the same time, her son should be grateful; Daughter-in-law is kind to her mother-in-law, especially like her husband's saying that she supports and encourages herself mentally. A woman, even at the age of 80, likes sweet talk, praise, encouragement, pouring out her grievances and seeking spiritual comfort. But some men don't understand this. They usually don't pay attention to sending positive messages at both ends. They always feel that their families are embarrassed to praise anyone. As a result, sometimes both ends actually do some friendly things for each other, but they are "corrupted" and "intercepted" by him. This was originally a very elaborate arrangement, but it didn't end well. Especially for newly married men, they have just experienced the feeling of marriage, and their wives are not familiar with it, and they simply don't know how to deal with their relationship. He instinctively believes that as long as these two people love themselves and love themselves, they will automatically fall in love, or get along without problems. What men often say is: My mother (my daughter-in-law) is a good person, and you will definitely like her. However, there is no necessary connection between good people and bad people in life. Even if a murderer may have "five stresses and four beauties" before killing, he has no misdeeds except killing people all his life. In our life, it is common for women who are virtuous at work and at home to "get into trouble" with their mother-in-law. It can be seen that the key is the skill of getting along, and men are the key link. For example, when my mother-in-law has a birthday, two people discuss what to buy. The daughter-in-law suggested buying a pair of gold earrings for her mother-in-law. My mother-in-law loves beauty, and her husband is very happy, so she bought it for her. But at the birthday party, the man gave it to his mother-in-law, and his wife was embarrassed to jump out and praise her filial piety and ideas, and the whole process and thoughts were drowned. Mother-in-law may be moved, may feel normal, in short, it has not played its due role. If the husband can take the initiative, he will say to his mother after returning home, "This gift was bought by your daughter-in-law. She knows that you are fashionable and have good taste. She chose this pair of gold earrings from many families and said it would look good on you. I said it was expensive, for fear that my mother would feel distressed. She said it was worth it for her birthday. " Do you think this will have the same effect? Mom is also happy, and the daughter-in-law also shows it. Even if the daughter-in-law doesn't say so, what does it matter, as long as the effect is good? So is the mother-in-law who works for her daughter-in-law. Men sometimes don't know that the feelings of these two people are not automatic, but cultivated the day after tomorrow, and they are very fragile and may be destroyed if they are not careful, but it is very difficult to repair and perfect them. If you can't encourage their enthusiasm and consolidate their feelings through your own efforts while both of them are still polite, but destroy the patience of both sides with your own stupidity and passivity, then it will be difficult to reach this state in the future. The formation of this contradiction, like the ice and snow on the Tianshan Mountains, cannot be melted without undergoing such great changes as crustal changes. The second mistake: I was at a loss in contradiction, so I chose to escape. There are no couples who don't quarrel, and there is no mother-in-law who doesn't quarrel. Even if you let Lei Feng turn into a woman and get married, he may not be able to completely handle this relationship. In fact, it is normal to have contradictions, depending on how both sides can handle and solve them with their own cultivation and social skills. But there are often some that can be handled well and some that can't be handled well. When two people can't solve and balance themselves, they often turn their eyes to the same man in their lives and turn the war to him, hoping to get his support and understanding. If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have contradictions, they will nag their sons, not necessarily because they want their sons to go home and beat their wives, but because they want their sons to stand on their side; If a daughter-in-law is dissatisfied with her mother-in-law, she will also complain to her husband, not necessarily because she hates her mother-in-law, but because she wants her husband to understand her difficulties. But men are not good at dealing with family problems by nature. Their thinking is simple, right is right and wrong is wrong. Like this, from different angles, there are both right and wrong places. It's unfair to completely blame anyone, it's killing them. Men have said the word "hate" more than once. They always feel that two women are forcing themselves, forcing themselves to express their views and forcing themselves to favor one of them. But men just don't want to show this. They are also afraid of offending people, and they are afraid that telling the truth will lead to fire. And the most critical problem is that men hate women's nagging and complaining, and people who whisper in their ears like Tang Yan. As long as two people catch him complaining, he doesn't care who is right or wrong. He just wants to disappear on the spot and run away at once. So it is difficult for women to get what they want from men, whether they are mothers or wives. It can only force him to start running away, no matter who it is. Talking too much will make men feel that neither of them is a fuel-efficient lamp, and both of them are wrong and don't think about him. Men often collapse, waiting for his mother's wife to say, "can't you think for me?" I know you all love me, but why can't these two kinds of love coexist? Why do you have to fight for it? "In fact, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is far from complicated, especially when two people have no principled differences and contradictions are not sharp enough to reach the table, everyone can maintain superficial peace, and men can continue to maintain this peaceful situation as long as they adopt the strategy of perfunctory comfort. For example, the wife said, "What happened to your mother one day? I am very unhappy. "A man should correctly analyze his wife's mentality. If she didn't show her unhappiness that day, then she still knows the limits and just wants to get some comfort from him. At this time, men should not suppress and attack their wives' statements, nor should they blindly defend and explain their mothers, which will make their wives even more angry and think that you are all in the same boat. Instead, we should try to stand in the wife's position and admit that there is something wrong with our mother. My wife is doing well. You can also be tactful and say, "You wait for me to go home and criticize her. The older the old lady gets, the more confused she becomes. Don't care. "Never say,' That's my mother, what can I do-',which is what women hate most. Whoever wants to do something to your mother can do something to your mother, that is, complain, chat secretly, and didn't ask you to give your mother all the army informed criticism. Why can't you say it? Some men belong to the kind who run all the way to the dark, and their brains don't know where to turn. My wife jumped up as soon as she said her mother was wrong. No matter whether the woman had any difficulties or whether her mother was really wrong, she defended her mother like a country's territorial integrity. This reaction is really radical. Who doesn't talk behind people's backs? Who doesn't talk behind people's backs? Even saints have complained since ancient times, let alone ordinary people? That's natural. As long as it can be controlled, it is normal. The more a man refuses to talk, the more he will arouse his wife's resistance. If he had been more objective, his wife wouldn't have so much resentment. Men can't escape contradictions, and you can't escape to the end. It's still you who spend time with your annoying mother and wife. You can't go on. A different owner is all these things. It is better to face the difficulties and take the initiative to resolve them. Mistake 3: suppress the weak side infinitely and try to control the outbreak of contradictions. As mentioned earlier, when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are in conflict, a man's favorite sentence to his wife is: "That's my mother. What can I do?" "Mom should say so when she looks at her wife, and she should say so when she is selfish. Anyway, that's what some men say at any time. The implication is that all questions need your wife's patience, so you can't get ahead. You are a wife. This kind of control can only be controlled for a while, but it cannot be guaranteed to be effective forever, and it will never be possible to eliminate contradictions, only delaying the outbreak of contradictions. For the thoughts and grievances in his wife's heart, a man can't use his husband's authority or his love to intimidate his wife into turning a blind eye to unfair treatment. The ancients knew that water control should be sparse and not blocked. Forcing a person to bow to unreasonable forces with modern personality will only encounter greater resistance. This seemingly most direct solution is also the worst solution. Men need to give women a platform to digest their dissatisfaction and solve problems, so that the relationship between two people can develop healthily and the relationship between husband and wife can be straightened out. With the development of society in this era, the cliche of "all parents" can be "dismissed". When a man finds that his parents are unreasonable or his behavior is very unwise, which hurts the interests of his small family, the greatest filial piety is not to yield, but to resist, and to control his parents to exercise blind authority with their mature mentality and righteous practices. Getting along with parents is also a psychological war, and it is also a process of mutual temptation and struggle. Complete submission is not true filial piety, but cowardice. Parents can't get due respect and pride in our complete obedience. Instead, they will treat us more and more as incompetent and worrying children, and there will be more dissatisfaction. This is why, in reality, parents will like and be afraid of strong children. The more children give, the more parents will keep putting pressure on them. This is human nature. Sometimes, it is impossible to reason with parents. They are used to manipulation, just like an already fatuous emperor. It is impossible for you to quietly persuade him to step down. Parents like to control their children's lives because they think you are not qualified to negotiate with them and you are not independent enough. When you are mature enough, they will reposition themselves, clarify the parent-child relationship, become a kind of dependence and admiration, and will not be manipulated innocently. Mistake 4: Improper handling leads to deepening contradictions. As the old saying goes, "Wise men hide on both sides, fools spread on both sides", which refers to the different results caused by men's different attitudes when dealing with family conflicts. Proper measures can certainly play a role in reconciling contradictions and reducing injuries and influences, but improper actions can definitely play a role in adding water to the oil pan and worsening the situation. Some men lack social experience and can't digest the opinions of both sides in their own places, but directly pass them on to each other intact, so that finally some careless opinions and casual nagging have caused the worst impact. For example, the mother inadvertently nagged her son: "Is your wife too extravagant? I watched her buy some clothes this month. "Originally, my mother-in-law didn't like it and wouldn't tell her daughter-in-law face to face, but her son was sharp-tongued. When she got home, she said, "My mother said you would spend money, so you'd better pay attention. "I annoyed my wife at once: what does it matter to her that I spend my own money? Why does she care about everything? Moreover, there is a knot: the mother-in-law says nothing, and the husband feels nothing. Whatever my mother-in-law says, my husband cares about me, but he still listens to his mother more. Now the issue of jurisdiction is completely beyond the scope of wearing clothes and hats, and the problem is even more serious. Some men talk casually and don't pay attention to their discretion. For example, they will say to their wives, "My mother once disapproved of me falling in love with you because you didn't work well. "My wife doesn't know about it, but it's quite pleasing to the eye to see my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law has also changed and accepted this reality, but she has stirred up a hornet's nest in one sentence. A woman bears a grudge, and a hurtful word will never be forgotten until she dies. In the future, my wife is not pleasing to the eye for her mother-in-law, thanks to men. There are also men who are naive enough to make their parents angry, or there are contradictions between small families and large families, which belong to two people committing crimes together. As a result, he pushed his wife out to give him a thunder, saying that his wife forced him to do it, which was simply the worst. As a result, parents are biased against their daughter-in-law, thinking that she has brought bad influence to their sons, and similar problems will be pushed to their daughter-in-law in the future. When dealing with the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, men should take the initiative to push for victory, which is the most mature and appropriate behavior. Only by admitting that the mistakes are all your own and the credit is all your wife's, can we alleviate contradictions and eliminate mutual antipathy to the maximum extent. Men need to know that you are a son, you and your parents are close relatives who hurt your bones, and your wife is educated. What you do will not affect your relationship with your parents in principle, but your wife will not. Only taking responsibility is the least costly way in the whole contradiction. Mistake 5: Lack of understanding of the content of marriage cannot serve as a bridge between the two. No one can expect a man to become mature immediately after marriage, and he can bear all the responsibilities. Dealing with marriage problems requires not only certain experience and social experience, but also running in the practice of marriage. Every newly married man is immature and naive, plus the brand added by his family, so living with another woman is definitely a great test. Especially when dealing with the relationship between his wife and his mother, he needs to know the personality, temper and disposition of the two people in order to mediate contradictions and make up for cracks. But his mother and his wife, for men, women themselves are incomprehensible creatures. Being in this mountain and getting along with them at close range is naturally difficult to see through. Some men don't know much about their mothers, especially mothers with special family and personality. For example, it is difficult for a daughter-in-law to be satisfied with a son who is an only child and a mother who dotes on her children. They often think that children are more important than their husbands, and children are the whole focus of their lives. She is the master of this small world and a devotee who has lost herself. She is willing to serve her son and take care of everything for him, but she cannot allow competitors to appear. Once her son gets married and his rights are transferred, she will consciously criticize him. Other mothers-in-law are strong all their lives, arbitrary and in charge of everything at home. If she is highly educated, she is more likely to develop a strong desire for control. Everything should conform to her habits and logic, and she should manipulate family affairs in her own way. Such a mother-in-law will certainly be kind to her daughter-in-law, but this kindness is based on her own understanding, not the feelings of the other party. Daughter-in-law feels bad and useless. She must feel good and talented. Some mothers-in-law have serious feudal ideas, outdated ideas, stale ideas and stubborn personalities, and it is not easy to listen to other people's suggestions. Everyone is preaching some young people's life concepts that smell musty, such as no son is a break, women should let men, and men should not do housework, which young people have long disliked. They often lack the necessary understanding of the lifestyle of the next generation and always impose interference. At this time, if a man can't understand his mother's weakness and personality well, and can't understand his wife's feelings when facing such a mother-in-law, he can't bear the responsibility of correctly handling contradictions. Some men only treat their mother-in-law as a mother, but they can't see her mistakes as a mother-in-law. They think their mother is very good, and their wives should naturally feel good. If their wives are picky, that's their problem. This kind of treatment will never play the role of a fire brigade, but will cause double oppression to his wife. Mistake 6: emotional separation is not well completed, and dependence on mother is greater than dependence on wife. As the old saying goes, two tigers are not allowed in one mountain. If the young couple live with their in-laws after marriage, and there are two families in one environment, then there are bound to be two women competing for the management of the family and the ownership of the same man. Not living together may reduce the chances of this contradiction and friction, but for the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, not living together can only reduce some disputes arising from the proximity, but can not completely eliminate the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. In fact, not living together only reduces the role of external factors, and whether mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can get along well depends not only on time and space, but also on the emotional maturity of the man as a son and husband. If we just don't live together, our emotions are still inseparable from our parents' umbilical cord, and we lack a sense of belonging to build a small family, and everything is dominated by our parents and family of origin, then there will still be sharp contradictions, and our wives will still feel lonely and abandoned emotionally. Some men get married and go home every day, but they dare not even think about it if they don't see their mother one day, and they have to force their wives to go with them, taking up what little spare time their wives have. He is very satisfied, but his wife's discomfort has nowhere to tell; There are also men who tell their parents everything, and even the couple can't wait to say it all at midnight, which not only increases the contradiction between their wives and parents, but also makes their wives feel humiliated because of exposure; There are also some men who regard their parents' family as their home, their small family as an inn, care too much about their parents and their relatives, and even sacrifice the interests of their families to meet their own requirements, completely losing the independence of a family. These are the important reasons for the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the contradiction between husband and wife. What a wife often cares about is not something or an action, but the direction of male attention she feels in these things and actions. What she fears most is that you don't regard her as family and think that she is unimportant, and these husbands who are not completely separated from their parents emotionally bring them such fatal problems. Therefore, whether to live with in-laws is not a decisive issue. Men still have to understand the meaning of independence and face the reality that they are finally separated from their parents and form a family. A small family is more important than a big family. Adults can be filial and repay their parents' hard work, but they must admit that the relationship between husband and wife is always the closest. When dealing with problems, you should think carefully, and your partner's opinions and needs must be respected. We can't pursue parents' satisfaction unilaterally at the expense of our partners' interests. This way of destroying small families to supplement everyone is tantamount to killing the goose that lays the golden egg. After all, truly responsible parents want their children to be happy, not to influence their children's marriage for themselves.