Funny humorous jokes

Humor is a good attitude towards life. The following is a complete collection of funny jokes I have compiled. Let's have a look.

1. One day, when Xiao Ming saw his father talking on the phone while walking, he asked his mother curiously, "Why does Dad walk around when he calls?" Mom explained to Xiaoming, "That's because Dad uses a mobile phone."

2. "A little girl's teacher assigned her homework, which is a composition about spring. The little girl wrote, "When spring comes, the kitten calls me and asks her father," Dad, Dad, why don't I call? Dad said: it's not that I don't scream, it's that time is not up. I asked dad, dad, dad, why didn't mom scream? Dad said, it's not that you didn't scream, it's that you didn't hear. I asked my father, Dad, Dad, why didn't the nanny call? Dad said: it's not that she doesn't scream, it's that she doesn't dare to scream! In swimming class, I teach children how to float and make them imagine lying in bed, "relax and close your eyes." "A little girl turned a circle on the water and I asked her what was wrong. She sighed and said, "I feel uncomfortable lying down." ".」"

An eloquent salesman sells children's encyclopedias to children's mothers?

He said that this book can answer any questions raised by children.

Just as the child was nearby, the salesman said, "Let's demonstrate how I found the answer you want from the book."

The child then asked him, "What brand of car does God drive?" Shop assistant: "..."

4. Mother: "Jack, go kiss the new tutor!"

Son: "I dare not. Dad kissed her just now and she slapped her in the face! " "

5. Baby (5 years old): I love you Beibei!

Beibei (4 years old): Little brother, what is I love you?

Baby: I love you? You don't know this either? Didn't your uncle and aunt say I love you when they were together on TV? Is to play with you! How stupid!

Beibei: Oh! I love you just to play with you! Little brother, I love you too! Then can you give me the chocolate that your mother bought you yesterday?

Baby: That won't do. My mother bought it for me!

Beibei: Hum ~ Then I don't love you!

(Background: Two children are sitting on a spittoon)

On the train, Mao Mao always sticks his head out of the window. Father said, "Be quiet, Mao Mao, and don't stick your head out of the window! But Mao Mao wouldn't listen.

Father suddenly took off Mao Mao's hat and hid it behind him, saying, "Look, your hat has been blown away by the wind!" " "Mao Mao began to cry, trying to find the flying cap.

Father said, "well, don't cry, don't cry." If you whistle, the hat may fly back. "

So, when Mao Mao stared at the window and whistled, his father immediately put his hat back on the Mao Mao Tou.

Mao Mao smiled happily: "How interesting!" Then he took off his father's hat and threw it out the window. He said happily, "It's your turn to whistle, Dad!" " "

7. Father: "Son, did the composition I wrote for you win the first prize?"

Son: "No, the teacher said it was too beside the point."

Father: "Impossible! Isn't the title of the composition "My Father"? "

Son: "Yes, but you wrote about my grandfather."

On one occasion, little John secretly said to his father, "Dad, I want to have a word with you."

"Go ahead!" Dad replied.

"I don't think my mother can take care of the children."

"How do you know?" Dad asked in surprise.

"I personally know," John said. "When I don't want to sleep, my mother insists that I sleep; When I was sleeping soundly, she woke me up again. "

On the train, two little girls, Jenny and Mary, were seen having a good time, so they were given a banana each.

They saw bananas for the first time in their lives, and Jenny took a curious bite. Just then, the train entered the tunnel. Her eyes went black and she couldn't help being surprised.

"Hello, Mary!" She cried and said, "Did you eat bananas?"

"Haven't you eaten yet?" Mary replied.

"Oh, stop eating!" Jenny said, "You can't see anything if you eat bananas!" " "

10 Whenever my children ask me questions, I always want to communicate openly with them. But six-year-old Peter caught me off guard. One night at dinner, he suddenly jumped up and asked, "Mom, will getting married make you pregnant?"

"No," I replied, "it's not marriage that will get me pregnant."

"So," he asked, "how did you get pregnant?"

I don't want to get into such trouble at dinner. After talking, I replied, "Peter, it's a long story."

Looking at his naughty little face, he shook his head proudly and said, "You don't know, do you?"

1 1. Xiaoming asked his father, "How many flights are there in one night?" Dad replied, "Five classes a night."

In the middle of the night, Xiao Ming got out of bed to pee, accidentally kicked the stool down and woke up his father in his dream. Dad complained, "It's midnight, and I don't know how to be quiet …" Xiaoming immediately said, "Dad, you are wrong, there is no midnight …"

"Why is there no night?"

"Didn't you say you want it at night? Why is there midnight? "

12, the three-year-old brother asked his father, "Why are you the father and I am the son?"

Dad replied, "because I am taller than you!" " "My brother nodded his understanding.

But Fu asked, "Dad, didn't you say that I would grow taller and taller? If I grow taller than you in the future, will you call me dad? "

13, one night, a 4-year-old girl was alone in the nursery, and her 3-year-old brother knocked. "Hey, let me in." The boy said. "I can't let you in," said the four-year-old girl sadly. "I'm wearing pajamas. My mother said that a little girl was not well seen by a little boy in pajamas. " The 3-year-old boy thought for a while and was about to walk away when his sister shouted inside, "You can come in now. I'm taking off my pajamas. "

14, the 7-year-old son finally saw the long-awaited sea. He said to his mother, "Mom, didn't you say that the sea is boundless?"

Mom: "Yes."

Son: "But how can we stand by the sea?"

Mom: Xiaoming, why do you look in the mirror when you sleep?

Xiaoming: I want to see how I sleep.

16, one day, in the classroom, Xiaoming put the bowl in front of Xiaojie next to him: "Try my meal ..."

Xiaojie scooped up a spoonful and fed it into his mouth.

"Did you see it?" Xiao Ming added.

17. Mom sent Wowa to kindergarten, which was his first time. When mom left, she told him that she would pick him up after school. After school, mom came to pick up Wowa. She walked to the front of the classroom on the first floor. The door reads: Good boy, mom pushed the door and found there was no Wowa in it. She went to the front of the classroom on the second floor, which read: ordinary child, she went in and found there was still no Wowa in it. So she went to the third floor again, and the door read: poor child. There is no Wowa in it. Then she went straight to the fourth floor and saw a sign on the door: poor child, there is still no Wowa in it. Finally, my mother came to the fifth floor and saw that the classroom door read-"WOWA"!

18, my four-year-old daughter saw a photo of me and my husband at the seaside. She asked, "Mom, when did you and Dad take this photo?"

I replied, "That was taken when mom and dad were dating."

She looked up and wondered, "Did you get married later?"

"……"

19, "Dad, what do you mean by feeling good about yourself?"

"It's like the feeling that dad handed the test paper to the teacher at night school yesterday."

"What do you mean by cold hands and feet?"

"When the teacher returned the paper today, my father felt this way."

20. The father said to the child who was doing his homework, "How about it?"

Child: "Almost, Dad."

Father: "Almost" is not a good statement, but it is more accurate. "

Child: "Yes, I have done it right."

Father: "Well, that's more like it."

2 1, "All my classmates laughed at my big head, and the boy cried and said to his mother," calling me a big head ghost. "

"Don't listen to their nonsense," his mother comforted him. "Your head is actually very beautiful. Well, stop crying and buy me five kilograms of rice. "

"Where is the shopping bag?"

"If you want a shopping bag, use your hat."

22. My son didn't want to sleep, so his father sat by his bed and began to tell him stories. An hour or two passed and the room was silent. Then mother opened the door and asked, "Is he asleep?" "asleep, mom." The son whispered back.

23. There are two fathers and sons. My father is superstitious and has provided several clay sculptures of bodhisattvas for many years. The son doesn't believe in ghosts and gods, and he advised his father many times, but his father wouldn't listen. One day, my father went on a business trip. Before he left, he put a lot of cooked meat in a big bowl and burned incense in front of the Buddha statue, praying for a pleasant journey and a safe journey.

After the father left, the son ate all the meat, left a few bones in the same place, and then smashed several clay statues.

My father was shocked when he came back a few days later.

When asked about his son, the son replied, "After you left, several bodhisattvas fought for meat and refused to give way to each other. They ate up the meat and broke their bodies. "

On weekends, people gather in the church to worship. While praying, a restless child kept making all kinds of strange cries. The child's father warned several times with his eyes, but it was useless. Finally, the humiliated and frustrated father said nothing, lifted the child up, put it under his arm and walked outside the church. As he approached the door, the child suddenly shouted to the praying crowd, "pray for me!" Pray for me! "

25, 1, the son said: The baby squatted in the mother's stomach first, then climbed into the mother's mouth, and the mother spat at me, and the child came out!

The baby was sleeping, and a mosquito flew to his ass. Dad drove away the mosquitoes and put some toilet water on the baby's ass. The baby woke up with a start and shouted, Mom, the mosquito just peed on my ass!

3. I took Xiaoyue to the wall to play. Abortion suddenly saw the children who were sketching. He looked at them for a long time and then asked me, Uncle, they must be very poor, right? How difficult it is for them to draw like this. Why not buy a camera? How convenient it would be!

4. Mom, how did I grow up? Lele looked at her childhood photos and asked curiously. As soon as my mother heard the opportunity of education came, she said, You were raised by your mother. Lele cried as soon as she heard it: How did you give me this? Whoo ~ ~

......

26. One day, Nicole and her father went to the park. Suddenly, Nicole shouted, "fly! What a beautiful fly! "

Dad looked back and saw that it was a butterfly, so he taught Nicole, "Nicole, that's not a fly, it's a butterfly."

"Flies are flies, cream is a butterfly, and butterflies are butterflies. That's just a butter fly. What's wrong with calling a fly? It's just a sweet fly. "

27. Little Bina walked into the grocery store and the clerk asked, "What do you want?"

"Buy 10 pound 15 franc a pound of sugar, add 4 pounds of coffee with 90 francs a pound, buy 2 pounds of cream with 27 francs a pound, and add 30 francs of bread." Little Bina said.

"Five hundred and ninety-four francs." The clerk said.

"If I give you a 1000 franc note, how much change can you give me?"

"406 francs, hurry up, I have no time to dawdle with you."

Little Bi Ye walked out of the shop and said, "This is the homework that the teacher asked me to hand in tomorrow. I can't count yet. Thank you very much. "

28, a sister's little nephew, in a word of "brand-new", "a brand-new vegetable was born" ... (thanks to Zhao Benshan).

29. A: This is a threshold made of gold.

There is a monster sitting on the threshold. When I was young, I kept a diary, and the teacher stipulated that it should be more than 200 words. At that time, a team leader came to check the number of words. A man in my group wrote: "My mother asked me to go out to buy food today. I asked how much it was a catty, and the vegetable seller said 5 points. I said, "It's really cheap, really cheap, really cheap ..." The group leader counted four words missing, so the man added a sentence at the back, which was really cheap.

30. This classmate wrote: "Guoqiang (one of my classmates) is sitting on a stool, his ass is as big as a pumpkin in the field, and a large piece of underwear is exposed under his clothes." The teacher read it out in class and said that the classmate described it vividly. After class, this classmate was beaten by him. ...

3 1, "The lioness gives birth to cubs, and the cubs want to eat." "Bitches give birth to puppies, and puppies have to eat." "……?" "In other words, all mothers have to eat." Little Tom thought and thought, and finally found a guy who was born not to eat. He said to the teacher, "Teacher, hens lay eggs, but they don't eat them."

32. Dad said to his son, "Dongdong, aren't you ashamed that you are the worst student in the class?"

Dongdong disapprovingly replied, "What can I do? Yesterday, the worst student in our class transferred to another school. Can you blame me? "

The kitten went to kindergarten. One day, the teacher asked: Who knows how many countries there are in the world?

The kitten said: I know!

The teacher said: Then tell me which countries there are.

The kitten said: There are two countries, namely China and foreign countries!

34. A classmate always uses other people's toilet paper when going to the toilet, and never buys it himself. Once, someone saw him holding paper and said angrily, "Why do you always use other people's toilet paper?" Won't you buy it yourself? "

He said, "Why are you so stingy? It's just a little toilet paper. I'll pay you back when I run out! "

35. Buck's father is sitting on a park bench to rest. A child stood by him for a long time and never left. Buck was very surprised and asked, "Angel, why do you always stand here?"

The child said, "This stool has just been painted. I want to see what you look like when you stand up. "

Jia Jia followed her mother to the concert.

Jia Jia: "Mom, what is the man standing in front of the band doing with a stick?"

Mom: "Good boy! Did you see those instruments? They made different noises, and the man stirred them up with a stick! "

37. Bao Xiao's mother is making a mask at home. Hardly had she put on a good white face when she heard someone knocking at the door. She called her six-year-old son, "Baby, open the door quickly. Mom is so shameful. "

The door opened, and it turned out to be the young man who charged the water fee. When the young man saw that it was a child, he asked, "Little friend, where are your parents?"

Bao Xiao thought for a moment and said, "Uncle, my father has gone to work and my mother is doing a shameful thing!" " "

38. The kindergarten teacher asked her students, "Who can make a sentence with the word affirmative?"

The first little girl said, "The sky must be blue."

The teacher said, "But sometimes the sky is gray or orange!" " "

The second little boy said, "The tree must be green."

The teacher said, "But in autumn, the trees will turn brown."

At this time, Chu Yang in the back row stood up and asked, "Teacher, does fart have color?"

The teacher exclaimed in surprise, "Of course not!"

"Well, I must have pooped my pants!"

The girl was playing alone in the street, but she got lost and couldn't go home, so she began to cry loudly.

The policeman came over and said, "Good boy, why are you crying?"? Go home! " "

The little girl cried and said, "I am lost." I can't find my home there. I can't go back! " "

The policeman came over and said, "Then where is your home?"

Little girl: "Upstairs."

The policeman said, "What's your father's name?"

Little girl: "dear!" " "

The policeman said, "What's your mother's name?"

Little girl: "Baby!"

The policeman said, "Who else is in your family?"

Little girl: "and me."

......

40. One night, a 4-year-old girl was alone in the nursery when her 3-year-old brother knocked at the door.

"Hey, let me in." The boy said.

"I can't let you in," the girl said sadly. "I'm wearing pajamas. My mother said that a little girl was not well seen by a little boy in pajamas. " The boy thought for a moment and was about to walk away when his sister shouted inside, "You can come in now. I have taken off my pajamas.

4 1. Uncle John came to stay for a few days. When he left, he took out 100 shilling and said to his nephew Tom, "Keep the change. Remember, keep the money well, and if you lose it, it will be given away for nothing. "

Tom said excitedly; "Yes, fools send money!"

Uncle John thought for a moment and said, "What you said is reasonable. I think you'd better not take the money. "

42. A wonderful detective film is being shown on the TV screen. At the most tense moment, Xiao Fang suddenly turned off the TV.

"Hey, why did you turn off the TV?" Brother Xiaoming asked with puzzle.

"I want to go to the bathroom," Xiao Fang replied, "but I don't want to miss any wonderful scenes."

43. On Sunday, Xiaoming went to the zoo and saw the keeper standing in front of the crocodile, staring hard at the crocodile's open mouth.

"What are you looking at?" Xiao Ming asked curiously.

"I don't know yet. The doctor has not woken up for half an hour. "

44. The little guy who just turned three loves watching TV advertisements, especially the BBK repeater advertisement made by May. As soon as this "crazy bitch" appeared, the little guy danced and laughed. I read a lot, but I learned and used it. One day after dinner, he sang to his grandmother, "You are my sister, you are my baby!" " "

Xiao Ming and Xiao Hua are watching the evening social news report.

Photo: A man wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building. ...

Xiaoming: Do you think he can jump?

Xiaohua: No!

Xiao Ming: I said he would! Let's bet on 200 yuan! OK or not?

Xiaohua: OK! I bet you!

Photo: The man jumps down!

Xiaohua will give Xiaoming 200 yuan!

.................., in five minutes.

Xiaoming said to Xiaohua with a guilty conscience, 200 yuan will be returned to you. In fact, I read the report at noon and knew he could jump.

............

Xiaohua: 200 yuan is yours, because I read the report at noon, but I just don't know why he wants to "go again"

......

46. Mom: "Xiaoming, I want you to make up your English, because I hope you don't lose at the starting point!" " "

Xiaoming: "I lost at the starting point a long time ago."

Mom: "What have you lost?"

Xiao Ming: "Inheritance."

47. One day after school, a little boy asked his mother, "Mom, where am I from?"

Mother thinks this question is not easy to answer, but she should take this opportunity to educate her children, taking cats and dogs as examples, and seriously talk about the reproductive process. After listening to this, the son said in a daze, "How did this happen? My deskmate said that he is from Shanxi! "

48. When a child learns Chinese characters, the teacher teaches him the word "Bei". When he can't teach it again and again, the teacher beats around the bush and asks the child, "What's on the bed?" The child replied, "Mattress."

The teacher asked, "What's on the mat?" A: "Mom." The teacher asked, "What's on Mom's desk?" The child replied: "Mom has a father." The teacher was furious and asked, "On Dad?" The child replied: "There is nothing on Dad!" The teacher had no choice but to ask, "Well, what about the quilt when I sleep?" The child replied, "The quilt has fallen to the ground."

49. I bought a zongzi that day, and the little boy who just turned three eagerly came up to me and asked me, "How much is it?" I said, "Two dollars." The little guy said confidently, "Did you bargain with him?" I'm a little surprised: yo, the little guy can bargain. I smiled and asked him, "How much do you want to tell him?" The little guy confidently held out a finger and said, "Three dollars!" " "

Little John said to his classmates, "My mother is so prescient! She said it would rain today, so let me take an umbrella. Look, it really rains! "

The classmate said, "My mother is more prescient! She said,' Little John will take an umbrella anyway. You can share an umbrella with him.'

;