After serving her paralyzed mother-in-law for nine years, her father was seriously ill and her husband refused to take care of her. what do you think?

As an emotional writer, I often receive many letters from readers, among which there are many types of help, most of which are about "whether or not". For example: I am a girl, but my salary is higher than my partner's. In this case, should he take the initiative to jump ship and raise my salary in order to give me the future? Let her husband help wash the dishes, but her mother-in-law says housework should be done by women. Is she right?

My husband asked me to quit my job and stay at home as a housewife. Should women take care of their children at home? This kind of problem seems trivial and complicated, involving not only money, husband and wife, children, but also gender relations and mother-in-law relations. But I think these problems can be solved in one sentence, that is, there is no "should" in feelings.

These problems actually reflect the same problem, that is, people's long-term fixed thinking. This fixed thinking can easily lead to a prejudice against both men and women: as women, the quality of work is not important, so they should do housework, take care of children and serve the elderly at home; As a man, you don't have to worry about family affairs, but you should concentrate on your work and try to earn money outside. With money, you can support your family. This prejudice is actually a disguised form of moral kidnapping, insisting that women are the masters and men are the masters.

Such an idea is not only logically meaningless, but also completely unrealistic. Now who says that men must earn more than women? Who stipulates that women do housework at home, so men don't have to intervene?

It is actually very inappropriate to simply allocate two people's affairs according to fixed thinking and gender. Life is not a child's play, it should be analyzed according to the specific situation. Their personality conditions, family background and ideas are bound to be different. It is this difference that gives the two sides the opportunity to help each other. In feelings, you don't have to be too demanding of what the other party "should" do, but you should choose two people to understand and respect each other. Only in this way can the two sides go further.

I have been paying attention to a pair of online celebrities nicknamed Cangnan School and Mango Honey for a long time. They fell in love and got married, and now they have a daughter, which has been many years. However, their feelings have not turned cold, but have become sweeter, and they often share the "little sweet things" in their marriage life with netizens.

From their words, I found that the secret of their love is that they never ask each other to do anything for themselves, but both sides work together for the family. Fathers can take the initiative to make time to help their wives do housework and raise children together; A mother also respects her husband very much, and even asks for leave to climb mountains on weekdays, and he readily agrees. I believe that in such a harmonious family atmosphere, their family of three will live better and better.

However, to really be like them is not a simple matter, not to ask for the other party's contribution, but to contribute to the other party. One of my readers, Yan Jie, chose to divorce after discovering that her husband took everything he did for granted, but he was unwilling to make any changes for his family. Yan Jie is not young. She has been married to her husband for more than ten years. What made Yan Jie give up his feelings for many years and leave decisively?

When Yan Jie married her husband for the first time, she was still a little girl who had just come out of the countryside. At that time, she couldn't dress up and had no experience in the world. She will blush and be shy if she talks to others more. So her mother-in-law gave her a lot of looks. Mother-in-law thinks her family are all city people. This rural girl won't come to work in rustic clothes, and she has no face when she takes it out. I don't like this daughter-in-law, and I often don't talk to Yan Jie with a cold face. However, Yan Jie is very kind-hearted, and she is also very hardworking and capable. After she married her husband's family, she was preoccupied with his family. Not only treat her mother-in-law as her own mother, but also be caring and attentive to her; She also handles all the affairs of the family, from housework to daily life of the family, all of which are handled by Yan Jie.

Sister Yan's mother-in-law has been suffering from high blood pressure. The situation was not serious before, and she didn't care much. Later, when I was older, I needed to take antihypertensive drugs for a long time to stabilize my blood pressure. When Sister Yan learned of the situation, she not only let bygones be bygones, but also took out money and bought imported medicine for her mother-in-law, telling her not to worry about money. After that, she should take medicine and take good care of herself. In this way, Yan Jie's selfless dedication gradually moved her mother-in-law. Mother-in-law gradually accepted Yan Jie, and the relationship between them eased a lot.

However, the weather is unpredictable. Mother-in-law's hypertension caused a cerebral infarction, and one day she suddenly fell to the ground and was paralyzed in bed. When her husband was busy making money outside, Yan Jie took the initiative to quit her job and take care of her mother-in-law at home. Mother-in-law can't eat Sister Yan cooks coarse grains, vegetables and fish in the kitchen every day, makes them into paste by machine, blows them to cool, and then carries bowls to the bed and feeds them to her mother-in-law bite by bite.

Mother-in-law can't get out of bed, so Yan Jie will help her excrete regularly. Even if clothes and sheets are dirty, Yan Jie doesn't hate them. She immediately replaced her mother-in-law with a new one and washed the old one. Not only that, Yan Jie will help her mother-in-law wipe her body every few days, massage her arms and move her joints. Even many small details were taken care of by Yan Jie. When the weather is fine, I will take the quilt to the yard to dry, and I will open the window of my mother-in-law's room to let her breathe fresh air. Every night, I stayed at my mother-in-law's bedside and talked to her until I saw her asleep.

These complicated affairs have become the daily affairs of Yan Jie. And the mother-in-law lying in bed, although unable to move, remained clean under the meticulous care of Yan Jie until her death.

As the saying goes, "there is no dutiful son before a long bed", let alone taking care of paralyzed patients. Yan Jie didn't want to shrink back, but she thought of filial piety. Since she is married to her husband's family, her mother-in-law is also her closest relative. Now that relatives are sick and paralyzed in bed, how can a daughter-in-law do nothing? So she took care of her mother-in-law wholeheartedly, and this care was nine years.

In the past nine years, Yan Jie has given up her job and future, and even devoted her life to her mother-in-law. To outsiders, Sister Yan must have had a hard time in these nine years, but she said to me, "Although I am busy every day and have to help, after all, my mother-in-law doesn't feel anything as long as she is happy in her hospital bed." I also asked her if she had any regrets. She said frankly, "We are all family and have nothing to regret."

This kind woman regards her husband's family as her relatives from beginning to end and willingly contributes to the whole family. In her mind, her sacrifice is far less important than her family. She believes that good people will be rewarded in the end and their efforts will be rewarded.

However, in this year, Yan Jie's father suddenly suffered a stroke and fell to the ground. Fortunately, the rescue was timely and saved his life. But the old man is old and needs to stay in the intensive care unit for observation. The cost of hospitalization is very high, thousands a day. It takes manpower to take care of my father, and the family can't afford a nurse. Yan Jie was working in a fast food restaurant at that time. She could usually sneak out to take care of her father, but when it came to dinner or weekends, she really had no time. Desperate, Yan Jie found her husband, hoping that he could go to the hospital to deliver meals to his father at dinner time and take care of him on weekends.

This kind of request is not too much. Although Yan Jie's husband is busy at ordinary times and needs to sacrifice his rest time to take care of patients, he is his father-in-law. This difficulty should be overcome. However, after hearing this request, Yan Jie's husband refused without thinking.

At first, Yan Jie thought it was because her husband didn't take care of anyone. Embarrassed, she said, "It's not that difficult. Just helping to feed a meal. Besides, there are nurses in the hospital. Ask them if you don't know. " However, the husband said that he is a big man and it is too shameful to do the work of serving people.

Sister Yan said inexplicably, "What's so shameful about this? Didn't I serve your mother like this? " But when the husband heard this, he suddenly became unhappy. He said: "As a daughter-in-law, it is natural for you to take care of your mother-in-law. This is your duty. It is your duty to serve her. Of course, this is not shameful. But how can my son-in-law serve my father-in-law, and others can't laugh at me? Your father's illness is none of my business. I have no obligation. "

This surprised Yan Jie. She always regarded her husband's family as relatives, but she didn't expect that her husband always regarded his family as outsiders. She asked angrily, "What do you mean?" I have served your mother for nine years, and now my father is ill. You still think it's none of your business? The husband replied disapprovingly, "One yard is worth one yard." You used to take care of my mother, but that doesn't mean I should take care of your father now. "This is two different things. Don't confuse them and deliberately make trouble. "

This made Yan Jie feel very cold at once. I didn't expect her efforts to be taken for granted by her husband. Now, she made such a small request, but he thought it was deliberately making trouble. Extremely disappointed, Yan Jie found that her feelings for so many years were all in vain, and finally her chilling turned into anger. She said angrily to her husband, "My dad doesn't need your care, and neither do we. Divorce! "

In this way, the relationship between husband and wife for more than ten years finally fell apart. Sister Yan's practice must be understood by everyone. I gave everything for my family, but all I got was "it's your duty". Anyone will be chilling.

Indeed, in marriage, it is important to care for and understand each other. If we only talk about obligations and take everything the other party has done as what should be done, it will hurt people too much. In fact, in my opinion, it is better to help each other than just investigating whether one of them should or not.

After all, marriage is maintained by two people. If one person turns a blind eye to the contribution of the other person, he is unwilling to make a little sacrifice for his family. Such selfish practices will only bring harm to people. If you want to have a long-term marriage, don't talk about "obligations" any more. But you and I should share weal and woe. Only in this way can marriage be finally happy.