Are there any jokes about lawyers

This is theft.

The defense lawyer said, "The defendant just put his right hand into the window and stole a few things. His right hand is not equal to him. How can he punish the whole person for committing a crime with one right hand? "

The judge finally ruled: "The defense's opinion is reasonable and adopted. Sentenced the defendant's right hand to one year's imprisonment. Whether the defendant goes to prison with his right hand is up to him. "

The lawyer quickly took off the wooden prosthetic hand on the defendant's right arm and gave it to the judge, and then took the defendant away with only one hand.

Comment: Index one. This joke has little to do with lawyers and judges. If the lawyer follows the judge's thinking, it is not very entertaining, but the sudden appearance of a prosthetic hand is unexpected. The end result was that the defendant walked away with an accident on his face. The only value of this joke is the strange contrast before and after. In addition, in our country's law, it is called the defendant in civil and administrative cases and the defendant in criminal cases. As for whether the United States is like this, it is not clear. In order to facilitate your understanding, I changed the original "defendant" to "defendant".

2. Suggestions

In one case, the defendant was stubborn and refused to give in.

The judge adjourned the court for ten minutes. He said to the defendant's lawyer, "Give your client some advice."

Ten minutes later, the lawyer returned to the court, but the defendant was gone. The judge asked, "Where is the defendant?"

The lawyer said, "I gave him a suggestion: 36 plans, and walking is the best." He left. "

Comment: Index four. The joke didn't explain the nature of the case clearly. If it is a criminal case, it will be funny. It can be divided into eight types. In criminal cases, the defendant will be punished in this case, and it is indeed the best decision to escape, especially the lawyer's suggestion, which suddenly becomes funny. It is impossible for a lawyer to give such advice because he ran away from the defendant and went to prison. Because of this, the strangeness of this joke is that it suddenly gives everyone something they never thought of and surprises everyone. If this case is a civil case, the defendant will not look smart, but will look stupid. The court may make a judgment by default and may face contempt of court. The lawyer gave such advice, and the joke was not funny, but funny. On the whole, the joke score is four and the index is between one and eight.

Step 3 hire a lawyer

The judge said to the defendant, "You are too stupid to tell a lie. No one will believe your story. "

The defendant asked, "What should I do?"

The judge said to the defendant, "Go and find a lawyer to teach you."

Comment: Index nine. This joke is quite unexpected. First, the judge taught the defendant to lie. In the United States, anyone who commits perjury in court will be punished, and witnesses must swear not to commit perjury before testifying. Second, judges recommend lawyers. In the eyes of judges, lawyers are very professional liars. In fact, lying is an excellent business skill for lawyers in America. Lawyers who can't lie are not good lawyers, and lawyers who are punished for lying are stupid. Lawyers have the ability to tell lies and don't give others anything. Therefore, lawyers are regarded as a profession of swindlers in the United States, which is full of lies and deception. And the American judicial system also breeds such a strange culture. It is the inevitable result of American judicial culture that pays attention to procedure and evidence. Many truths are filtered by procedures and evidence, and finally the facts determined by the judge may be quite different from the actual situation. This joke is a true portrayal of the difference between American judicial culture and American citizens' personal life.

4. Don't look at the wrong person

There are 12 jurors in the jury seat.

One of the jurors whispered to the juror next to him, "This is my first time as a juror. However, I will never be wrong about someone, that pretentious guy. I knew at a glance that he was guilty. "

"Which one did you say? He is not a defendant, but a defense lawyer. "

Comment: Index nine. This joke is very funny. Generally speaking, most people think that lawyers are ambitious, well-dressed and sharp-eyed, but in fact, many lawyers have obscene eyes and despicable images. As the saying goes, what kind of clients need what kind of lawyers, and what kind of lawyers have living space. Although this joke exposed the bad personal impression of some lawyers, what really made me laugh was the cleverness of the jury. In fact, in the United States, lawyers spend a lot of energy on the selection of jurors. In real life, jurors dare not express such opinions. If the lawyer finds out, he will ask for a replacement, and the lawyer has the right to replace a certain number of jurors without reason. Jurors are not allowed to contact and exchange opinions in private, otherwise it will be considered illegal. Every juror is an independent representative of a social group, not themselves.

5. Procedural issues

The prosecutor asked the witness; "You just said that you visited the defendant on the day of the crime. What did he say?"

"Objection!" The defense lawyer said, "This question is out of order!"

Then, the prosecutor and the lawyer argued for a whole hour about whether the question was appropriate. Finally, the judge ruled that the objection was invalid and the witness had to answer the question.

The witness replied, "Nothing, he was not at home."

Comment: Index 8. The funny thing about this joke is that the lawyer and the prosecutor fought for an hour and finally found it worthless. This joke reflects the confrontation between lawyers and prosecutors in American criminal cases. Both sides are equal, and both sides realize their litigation goals according to evidence and procedures. In the United States, it is a common litigation phenomenon to prohibit questions or specific questions according to procedures.

6. Payment by installment

The lawyer said to the client: "Your lawyer's fee for this case is 80,000 yuan, 20,000 yuan in the early stage, and 1 10,000 yuan per month, after half a year."

The party concerned said, "It seems to be buying a car by stages."

The lawyer said, "Yes, I bought the car by installment."

Comment: Index one. I didn't find any ridiculous material. Lawyer fees in the United States are more market-oriented and are not much different from other businesses. If you change the entertainment index, you can increase it to 7, for example:

The client said to the lawyer, "My lawyer's fee for this case is 80,000 yuan in total, 20,000 yuan in the early stage, 1 10,000 yuan per month, after half a year."

The lawyer said, "Do you think you are buying a car by stages?"

The customer said, "Yes, you can buy a car here by stages. Just cancel each other out. "

7, twenty-four pigs

Twelve jurors sat in the jury box to hear a lawsuit. The plaintiff is a farmer who lost twenty-four pigs.

The plaintiff's lawyer told the jury affectionately, "My client lost twenty-four pigs! Ladies and gentlemen, 24 pigs! There are twice as many jurors as there are sitting! "

Comment: Index 2. In practice, humiliating the jury in this way will be punished or lose its support. If you can't offend people by watching this lawyer kiss up, you can give a sympathetic score.

8. sleepwalking

Both Mr. A and Mrs. A are admirers of barristers and often go to court to listen in on the barristers' wonderful debates. One day, Mrs. A met a barrister on the road and praised her and said, "Your three-hour debate yesterday was really wonderful!" "

The barrister said unhappily, "But when I got to the point, your husband walked out."

Mrs. A said apologetically, "Sorry, he has sleepwalking."

Comment: Index one. This joke has little to do with lawyers, and there is no special entertainment material.

9, automatic exit

A judge came home from work after finishing a divorce case, and when he saw his wife's intimate love affair with a lawyer, he flew into a rage and rushed to fight with the lawyer.

The lawyer said, "Neither you nor I want to die. How's this? We all shot at the ceiling and then fell to the ground and pretended to be dead at the same time. See which one your wife runs to, and the other one will have to quit automatically. "

After further consideration, the judge agreed to the lawyer's suggestion.

After the shooting, all I heard was the judge's wife running to the closet and saying, "Honey, come out quickly. They are all dead. "

Comment: Index ten. Although this joke has little to do with lawyers and judges, the plot is vivid, the characters are vivid and the story is ups and downs. Moreover, such jokes are more suitable to be told in various places, with no obvious irony.

10, confusion case

Someone asked the lawyer, "What is the most confusing case you have ever handled?"

The lawyer said, "The mystery of brandy. Only halfway through, I was confused. "

Comment: Index ten. This joke revealed an excellent secret of torturing clients in the United States, which made people's views on lawyers suddenly change. In China, it complicates simple problems, but the story is interesting because lawyers themselves are confused. These two materials make up the joke.

1 1, real money

A famous barrister represented a small case, claiming 3000 yuan. The lawyer won a great victory.

After the case was over, the barrister found the client and gave him a bill of 100 yuan: "This is your reward after deducting attorney's fees, legal fees, travel expenses, labor fees and typing fees."

The customer took the bill, read it over and over again, and sighed, "What a lie."

The barrister said, "Cheating? This is real money. "

Comment: Index 8. It is the inevitable result of many cases that the parties win the lawsuit and lose money, not just the lawyer's reason. This is only a claim of 3000 yuan, which is naturally not enough for legal fees. The outcome of such a case is inevitable. But this joke is very funny, because the barrister said, "liar?" This is real money. "

12, lying

A lawyer enlightened his client in the detention center, a juvenile fraudster aged 16: "It is really wrong for you to lie and cheat at such a young age, because I have never lied at your age."

Juvenile delinquent: "When did you start lying?"

Lawyer: "After I became a lawyer".

Comment: Index 8.

13, eat noodles

A court tried a criminal case, and the defendant's criminal facts in the indictment filed by the defender were unclear and the evidence was insufficient, so it requested the court to declare the defendant innocent. The prosecutor believes that the defendant's criminal facts are clear and the evidence is indeed sufficient, and the two sides are debating this.

The defender emphasized that his claim was valid and claimed that his conclusion had been fully investigated. The prosecutor said that we believe that the defendant's guilt is well documented, and stressed: "We prosecutors don't eat for nothing."

The defender immediately protested: "presiding judge, I think this case is based on facts and the law is the criterion. As for whether the prosecutor eats dry rice or porridge, it has nothing to do with this case. "

Seeing the tension between the two sides, the judge said to ease the atmosphere: "Now let's not discuss the question of eating dry rice or porridge. I invite everyone to eat noodles at noon. "

Comment: Index one. This joke is foreign. In China, people like to talk about having dry rice or porridge, but this is not the case in the United States. Putting it in a lawyer's joke is not only not funny, but also ridiculous.

14, two chairs

The barrister is kind and humble. He hates hypocritical people.

Once, an arrogant young man came to visit him, and the legal hero immediately gave up his seat with a fat chair, but the young man completely ignored him and proudly said, "Mr. Legal hero, I am the son of Senator Brand ..."

"In that case," said the hero of the legal circle with a smile, "please bring two chairs."

Comment: Index ten. The scene is vivid, the characters are lifelike, and the ignorance of dude and the wit and humor of barrister are vividly on the paper.

15, your own avatar

In court, lawyer A said a lot. When he saw the opposing lawyer shaking his head frequently to express his disapproval, he said, "I want to remind the opposing lawyer that I am just expressing my opinion."

The opposing lawyer replied: "I also want to attract the attention of the opposing lawyer. I just shook my head. "

Comment: Index one. It's just lip service and little value, but it also reveals a truth that lawyers' words and deeds on specific occasions are particularly important, and lawyers are the objects of observation and evaluation by others.

16, justice wins.

As soon as a lawyer won a major lawsuit, he immediately sent a telegram to his client: "Justice has won."

The party immediately called back eagerly: "Appeal immediately!"

Comment: Index ten. The text is concise, but funnier. However, it reveals a basic requirement of lawyer service, that is, to report the work progress to the client in writing in time, which is relatively indifferent in China.

17, a stopgap measure

A lawyer who claimed to have the best way received a phone call from a condemned man by the electric chair: "An hour ago, you told me that there must be a way anyway, lawyer. What should I do now? "

The lawyer replied without thinking, "don't sit down yet!" " "

Comment: Index three. This lawyer is stupid, and so is his advice.

18, lawyer appears in court

Two people who met in a narrow way are making a scene.

One said, "I'm going to court to sue you!" " "

The other said, "Accompany!"

"I want to sue you to the Supreme Court!"

"Accompany!"

"I will sue you in hell!"

"Well ... I'll ask a lawyer to appear in court then!"

Comment: Index nine. More witty and humorous, but it has little to do with lawyers.

19, finally understand.

After the lawyer tried his best to defend, the defendant was finally acquitted.

At the gate of the court, the lawyer asked the defendant, "You have been released, and we are going to break up. Now please tell me the truth at last. Have you really committed a crime? "

The defendant replied, "Mr. Lawyer, when I heard your wonderful defense in court, I realized that I was innocent."

Comment: Index ten. To my great surprise, even the lawyer didn't know it. The defendant replied, "Mr. Lawyer, I didn't realize that I was innocent until I heard you made a wonderful defense for me in court." Very wonderful!

20. Consulting fees

A butcher met the lawyer he was looking for on the road. He asked, "If the dog steals from others, will the owner of the dog compensate his dog?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course."

Butcher: "Do you keep your word?"

"Of course! I am a lawyer specializing in litigation, and my remarks have a legal basis. "

"Then, please pay me ten yuan, because your dog stole a piece of meat from me."

The lawyer smiled and said, "OK, I agree. However, as you know, I am a lawyer, and I charge 20 yuan for every consultation, so you must pay me 20 yuan first, after deducting 10 yuan that I compensate you, you can pay me 10 yuan. "

Comment: Index ten. The lawyer suddenly asked for consulting fees, and the butcher played a clever trick for fear of the lawyer's sophistry. He didn't expect to steal a chicken and lose a handful of rice, which was very funny. The funny experience of the butcher is a classic gap.

2 1, unable to pay.

A lawyer's wife is very ill. Before the diagnosis and treatment, the doctor, who loves money like hell, said to the lawyer, "Can you promise me that after I see your wife's illness, I will get a visit fee?"

The lawyer immediately took out a check from him and said, "This is 500 yuan. Whether you save her life or cure her illness, I will pay you in full. "

The doctor examined the patient with confidence. However, despite his best efforts, the patient died. Later, the doctor asked the lawyer to pay for his consultation.

The lawyer asked him, "Have you cured my wife?"

"Of course not, my diagnosis and medication are correct." The doctor said quickly.

"So, did you save her life?"

"I'm sorry, but I've tried my best."

"So you didn't cure her or save her, did you?"

"Yes, sir." The doctor replied.

"It seems that I don't have to pay for your consultation."

Comment: Index one. Lack of entertainment material.

22. I didn't expect that

The young lawyer defended his client in the court of appeal for the first time. He enumerated the basic principles of law and expounded his views in detail.

The judge interrupted him and suggested that he directly explain the reasons for the appeal, adding, "You know, we are not idiots."

"Sorry, your honor," the lawyer replied. "I didn't think of that just now."

Comment: Index one. The lawyer is waiting to be revoked by the judge, and then fined and sentenced to imprisonment.

23, curiosity

The court will formally try the murderer Jimmy, but his lawyer didn't come for some reason.

Judge: "Jimmy, your lawyer didn't come. Do you want to wait for him? "

Jimmy: "Yes! Mr. Judge. "

Judge: "You were caught at the crime scene! He also admitted the crime. What's the use of waiting for him? What else can he say? "

Jimmy: "I'm surprised, too, so I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Comment: Index ten. Yes, there is a lot of room for imagination. What can a lawyer say? We want to know, too, not just Jimmy.

24, hard-won

The defendant promised his defense lawyer, "If you have the ability to put me in prison for only half a year, then you will take 1000 yuan more."

The defendant got what he wanted.

While collecting money, the lawyer said, "This is really a hard job. The judges had hoped to be acquitted. "

Comment: Index ten. Is this happening? !

25.cash

"Mr. Lawyer, I want you to defend me."

"Why is someone suing you?"

"Suppose I forged a check."

"I can defend you, but you must pay me in cash."

Comment: Index 2. The entertainment material is average.

26. peers

A famous lawyer is dictating a letter to another lawyer.

"How to write at the beginning of the letter?" The typist asked, "Is that your dear husband?" As usual? "

"dear? He is a real slick and liar, but he can't be called. Or, just call my dear colleague! "

Comment: Index ten. It's funny and funny. At that time, I was very angry and said "complete slick and liar", but suddenly an ambiguous "dear colleague" appeared. The emotional gap between before and after made people feel ridiculous. As for whether you are a colleague or not, it is not the material of this joke.

27 years old, as drunk as a fiddler.

The police officer who arrested the defendant testified that the defendant searched the glove box of the car for a long time when he asked for a driver's license.

The question raised by the lawyer of the accused drunk driver hit the nail on the head. "Was it dark in the car? Are there many things stuffed in the glove box? " Asked the lawyer.

"yes."

"How long did he grope?"

"About five minutes." The police officer said.

"Well," said the lawyer, "do you think it's strange to find a small piece of paper in a dark and messy glove box for five minutes?"

"Yes," replied the policeman. "He is in my police car."