Humorous jokes or ancient and modern jokes

1 The new diva sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change ..." The bookworm who was reading a book suddenly looked up and was surprised.

Q: "Isn't the toilet empty?"

The male bathhouse and the female bathhouse in the school walk through the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet them, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and happened to meet a junior.

When he came out, the bookworm couldn't dodge to say hello and said, "Are there many people inside?"

Once, I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us. After a while, a beggar brought one.

A bowl came up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with me, thinking that the waiter had brought the meal, so I didn't.

I turned and took the rice bowl from the beggar and put it in front of me. We were all stunned at that time, and the beggar wanted to cry more (kill him)

I didn't expect this, and there were people grabbing jobs) ~ ~ ~

When I was in college, one of my buddies met a beautiful woman on campus. It was love at first sight, and every day he was very emotional. When I went out to eat with him at noon one day, it was

The beauty happened to pass by, and my buddy immediately pulled me back and saw the beauty enter a noodle restaurant, and we also sat in it. I suggest

My buddy: "Senior three, hurry up ~" So he got up the courage, stepped forward, blushed and asked: "What's your name, classmate?" Nami

The woman looked at my buddy blankly: "My name is beef noodles." Dude was stupid, and I was laughing!

Tong Tong asked his mother, "Why do you call Mr. Jiang an ancestor?" Mother said, "Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased."

Tong Tong said: "Will those dead grandmothers be called' fresh milk'?"

A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 am and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class!" " "Then two people immediately put on.

Clothes. I was playing pc at that time.

One night after eating my favorite bitter gourd, I said, "XXX (my mother's name), make me a bitter gourd, you go."

Death ... "It was probably loud. My mother, who slept in another cupboard, heard it. The next morning, she asked me angrily.

After ... ... crazy K even a meal ... can be said to be hanging. ......

A classmate went horseback riding during the day, was still excited at night, and then fell asleep. We play cards. After a while, the man said, drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! ! ! ! !

A classmate likes to smoke while defecating. He just came out of the toilet and said to us loudly, "Ah, it's so cool to smoke and shit."

giddiness

Before 10, the first sentence when I returned to the dormitory was always "Did someone call me?" ...

1 1 Once, my roommate and I bickered in the dormitory. He said he couldn't beat me and called me "you are my grandfather's son!" " The whole dormitory 1 second is silent and then laughs wildly!

12 ate bad food once when I was a child, and wrote a sick note to the teacher the next day: "Teacher, I ate bad food yesterday and my stomach was upset.

Here, get up in the morning, vomit and diarrhea. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.

13 Once I had dinner with my cousin at home, I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissues. Cousin shouted: "hurry up, hurry up, get the toilet paper, get the toilet."

14 things at the same table fell to the ground, so I bent down to pick up my partner and stepped on it with my foot. Unexpectedly, I became angry as soon as I stepped on his hand: "Dare to step on my foot? ! "

15 in high school, the classroom discipline was chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ class violence

Cold ~ ~ ~

16 A foreign teacher once showed Mandarin in a big classroom. I wanted to give him a face and praise his standard of Mandarin, but it turned out to be you.

The standard words are really ordinary and cold, and everyone laughs at me.

17 and MM are in front of the stall selling soybean milk fritters. I shouted, "Boss, I want a bean paste." MM smiled.

18 Even the high school Chinese teacher said in class: You are the result of a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . Full of laughter!

19 When I was in the third grade, a classmate invited us to dinner on my birthday night. When I got home, I said to my mother, "Mom, my classmate invited me on our wedding night today.

Eat! "

There were many people in the restaurant, and I shouted: Boss, a pepper without seasoning. . . . The waiter also repeated loudly: 1 1 table, did you add one?

Pepper with seasoning! ! ! . . .

2 1 I: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

My mother said to me before going out to play mahjong, "You put all your clothes in the refrigerator and put all your dishes in the washing machine."

On the 23rd, I went shopping! Suddenly I saw a crow croaking in the sky! So a sentence popped out of her mouth: "Oh, this green!" "

Frogs fly very low! I feel dizzy

I always make such mistakes ... because I talk too much.

When I was in junior high school, I read a text that XX was wandering in the corridor, while I read that XX was debauched in the corridor ... The teacher blushed.

In high school, I went out to play with my classmates. There is a China Everbright Bank near the school, which just opened, so there is still a red cloth on the sign ... but the cloth is hung.

I blocked Chinese characters ... I read "China Everbright Bank" ... My classmates laughed me crazy and I couldn't hold my head for years!

A person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold saying: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine. ..

26 once I listened to the radio, what was the shopping guide hotline? Someone called in and the host asked him, "What's your name?" "

He replied, "Don't take your name! ~~~~~"

Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

28 to a quick-acting grandmother: A few days ago, you were sitting on the bus, and the driver of 252 suddenly braked, and your center of gravity was unstable. You rushed out and asked the driver:

What can I do for you?

Students: Although the instructor is really busy, please don't say to me when you see me in the toilet, "Instructor, you have to come by yourself when you are so busy."

Go to the bathroom! "

It was very hot for 30 days, but the school was out of power. From day to night 10, our girls' dormitory is quiet at night, and everyone enjoys the cool on the balcony, boys.

The dormitory is very lively, but after a commotion, the boys seem to have reached some kind of knowledge, only to hear organized cries from the opposite corridor: "Hoo, coming!" "

Electricity! We need electricity! "About 10 minutes later, the school actually called, and there was a cheer from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.

It was not until the evening 1 1 lights out time that the boys began to shout neatly, "delay, delay, we will delay!" "

The school, which has always been harsh, unexpectedly agreed to the unreasonable demands of this group of people and extended the call time for the first time.

Just as we were about to have a rest, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boys are too excited because their two boys are usually away.

Possible requirements were actually realized by the school, so there was a more organized and magnificent voice from the opposite boys' dormitory, .............:

"Women ... women ... we want women! ! ! "

3 1 tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

33 classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant, cool, and shook his hair: "Boss, no onion rice noodles!" " After that, add:

"More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

34. Once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

35. In high school, everyone has a name tag. . Before an inspection, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bras and check.

Pull. . The audience was silent. . .

36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

37. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

38. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down."

Sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea! "

39. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning because the car is not big. On one occasion, a mm got on the bus without a seat.

Hello, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I am a

Laugh till you get off ~!

40. In college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not.

Not stupid!

4 1, a buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, when the meal arrived, two people entered a house.

Arriving at the beef noodle restaurant, the girl shouted to the master: Hey, pull two bowls ~ ~ Lamian Noodles's master said: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

42. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well.

Yes (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

43 once the leader of the Education Bureau inspected the exercises between classes. After that, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in desperation, they forgot the words and held back.

After a long time, I shouted: "Retreat!"

44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside.

Go up and ask, "Wife ..."

45. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG just

Please, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore, shouting, Teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, he

I have to (touch) silence ~ ~! ! !

46. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call him uncle, but he said wrong, "Dad,

Come and sit down! "~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

47. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

48. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Say that finish, I yelled with all my strength.

"I won't marry (lend) you." At that time, the students immediately quieted down.

49. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week. ......

I spit on your face!

5 1 I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When we arrived at the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout:

"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! "

Then a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."

A customer ran into the tailor's shop angrily.

Pointing to the fashion designed by the shopkeeper for him, he said, "I stood on the street corner yawning and two people put letters in my mouth!" " "

A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: teachers and classmates, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves are red) ...

I am still a primary school student, and I am particularly envious of my classmates who are assigned by the teacher to read the composition. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. End of opportunity

I'm here.

So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!

Pupils stand up: "My teacher". Teacher, I look like your mother. ......

This time I am an unskilled host of a song and dance troupe.

At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready. The performance takes turns. It's her turn to announce: audience friends, please listen next.

Du Zi (Du Zi) plays flute. ......

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year, and she was very happy with my mother.

Say: hey! Mom, this is so rude ... Mom and I both laughed.

57. A neighbor named Auntie goes to work by bike every day. Early in the morning, I met her at the door. I smiled and said politely, Aunt,

Big class ... bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

One day, my classmate anonymous felt sorry for himself and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, is my chest hair good-looking? He was taken aback and said, Oh, I am.

I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.

When I was a primary school student, I made a resolution at the general meeting of the whole school: we should learn from the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army in climbing snow-capped mountains and crossing grasslands. From then on.

Deprived of political speech for life!

When I was 60 years old, my father told me that there was a paragraph about Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she saved the whole country.

When the villagers were alive, an old man stepped forward to save her. The line is: Alley, are you crazy? ! But in the era of * * *, poor.

Rural children read aloud: little madman, do you smell good?

Responder: Zhuang Xuzhuang Zhuang-Magician Level 4 3- 12 20:45

Let me comment >>

Do you think the best answer is good? There are currently 7 people evaluating.

57% (4)

42% (3)

Other answers *** 4

one day

The penguin goes to play with the polar bear!

Three years later, I walked to the equator and remembered that the house was open.

It was three years before he went home and closed the door.

Six years later, I went to the North Pole.

The child who knocked on the polar bear said, "Polar bear, I'm coming to play with you!" " "

As soon as the polar bear opened the door, he took a look at the penguin and said, "I don't want to play!" Then turn off the child! "

Penguins are home! !

One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

In order to test the strength of the police in the United States, Hongkong and Chinese mainland, the United Nations put three rabbits in three forests to see who could find them first.

In front of the first forest is the American police. They first spent a whole half-day meeting to formulate a battle plan and strictly divide the work, and then sent special forces to quickly enter the forest for a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away and the task failed!

Then it's the turn of the Hong Kong police. They sent 100 people and dozens of police cars to line up outside the forest. The leader shouted with a megaphone: "Rabbit, rabbit, you are surrounded, come out and surrender ..." Half a day passed, but nothing happened. Flying Tigers entered the forest to search again, and the mission failed!

Finally, there are only four policemen in China. They played mahjong all day. At dusk, a man walked into the forest with a baton. Less than five minutes later, he heard an animal scream from the forest. The policeman in China came out laughing and talking with a cigarette in his mouth, dragging a black bear behind him. The bear was dying and said, "Stop playing, I'm a rabbit ..."

The tortoise and the rabbit race, and the pig is the referee. Do you think the tortoise runs fast or the rabbit runs fast?

The rabbit said, "My mother calls me a bunny, which is nice!" "

The pig said, "My mother calls me a pig, which is nice!" "

The dog said, "My mother calls me a puppy, which is nice!" " "

The chicken said, "You talk, I'll go first!" "

The rabbit said, "I am a rabbit!" " "

The pig said, "I am a son of a bitch!" " "

The chicken said, "I'm a son of a bitch!" " "

The dog said, "You talk, I'll go first!" "

Lang Ke said: "People call me a ronin, which is very nice!"

The samurai said, "It's nice to be called a samurai!"

The expert said, "It's nice to be called an expert!"

The swordsman said, "You talk, I'll go first!"

General Li Zongren said: I am a benevolent man!

General fu said to him: I am just!

General Zuo Quan said: I have this right!

General Huo Qubing said: You talk, I'll go first!

The door of Lao Zhang's house is made of wicker. Lao Zhang said: My door is a wooden door.

Lao Li's door is made of plastic. Lao Li said that my door is made of plastic.

The door of Lao Wang's house is made of brick. Lao Wang said: My door is a brick door.

Liu's door is made of steel. Lao Liu said: you talk, I'll go first!

The students of normal college said: I am from normal college.

The students of the Railway Institute said: I am from the "Iron Institute"

The students in vocational colleges said: I am from vocational colleges.

The students of the technical college said: You talk, I'll go first.

It is raining. Many fools in mental hospitals are bathing in the rain with towel soap. You are the only one watching on the windowsill. Someone asked curiously: What are you doing? You said those fools were stupid. I'll wait until the water is hot.

In a mental hospital, a patient is writing a letter. When the nurse saw it, she asked him curiously.

Nurse: Who are you going to write to?

Patient: Write it to myself!

Nurse: Then what do you write?

Patient: You are mentally ill! I haven't received it. How do I know?

A big mouse walked into a flower shop and was chased by a Xiaohua Mall. Finding that there was no way out, the rat picked up a bunch of roses and prepared to resist. When Xiaohua Mall saw it, he immediately lowered his head and said shyly, You are so bad, he is still young!

I remember when I was in kindergarten, the teacher said, "It's three yuan to wet the bed once, five yuan to wet the bed twice and seven yuan to wet the bed three times." You suddenly stand up and say, "How much is the monthly subscription?" What a clever boy.

A bad wolf came out for food and heard a woman lecturing her child, saying, If you cry again, I will throw you out to feed the wolf! As a result, the wolf waited all night and said, damn it, this old lady doesn't keep her word.

After seeing off the guests, the groom returned to the bedroom, only to find a meatball lying on the bed! The groom was frightened and asked where the bride was. Meatball said shyly, I hate it, you don't even know people when they take off their clothes!

Interviewee: 258 1550- manager level 5 2-28 23:48

Check from the internet

laugh

Do it.

Respondent: the probation period is 3- 1 16:25.

The latest slip of the tongue in 2007, laughing till my ass blooms.

1 unit, a leader said "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, there is no more words.

I once booked a hotel for my boss and wanted to ask if there was any free internet service. I couldn't figure it out.

How to put it, so I asked the other party, "Excuse me, do you have any special services here?"

The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

-__-! ! ! !

Third, the old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

When shopping, my friend suddenly exclaimed, "Wow! Virgin bookstore! " I was startled and looked up and saw a plaque that read

Four big characters

-Foreign language bookstore-_ _!

I once went to buy mutton kebabs.

Hold out four fingers and say "three kebabs" to the boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" Scold that at that time.

The guy gave a meal.

8. Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" (Porphyra and egg soup) Ha

Ha, laughing makes me spray soup.

One day, I ate slowly in the rice noodle shop and was hungry.

Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table!

The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! "

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

My parents were quarreling at 10, and my father said angrily, "I'll go out!" "

1 1 High school plays basketball. After getting the ball, A selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball and A got the ball.

Shouted loudly to pass the ball to him. B throw the ball yourself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now. ...

Full laughter

In the impression of 12, the monitor of the primary school is extremely serious. In a self-study class, the classroom was full of people, and the monitor kept order several times.

Finally, I couldn't bear it. As soon as I stood up on striking table, I shouted, whoever makes any noise again will break his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

When we were in 13 university, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost, but Beckham won."

It's time for two yellow plates! "

14 Don't work in porcelain without a golden hoop.

15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new material, saying, "The sexual function of this material is indispensable to the old material.

Comparable ... Oh no, performance and function ... "

16 just went to college for military training. The company commander didn't know where the accent came from and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

17 when I was in college, I heard a girl order: master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

18 When I was a sophomore, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. He has a strong accent. His son

Relying on the architecture department of Tsinghua, this is also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He is very proud of his son and always tells us about his son.

I always say, "My moth (son) is from the Department of Frog (Tsinghua) and Toad (Architecture)." ...

If moths jump on frogs and toads, won't they become snacks? ...

19 cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! accomplish

The corpse staff laughed! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate.

I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "

What's more, the examiner sighed and said, "Confucius' student. "

Just after school started 10 minutes, my deskmate raised her hand and said, teacher, I want to go to the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you to go to the toilet?

I have a classmate who has been reviewing computer level 3. One day playing football, another classmate took the ball to the bottom line and only listened to him.

Shout: get in the car! Get back in the car! (in the middle)

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? Laobandang

Stay in the field.

The physics teacher said, "It's a thick spring. I pushed from both ends to see if there was any densification (constipation). "

Listen to your classmates,

Once a girl in her dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

Say to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

Senior sister of 26 university, studying educational psychology. Late ... walked into the classroom and glanced at the blackboard. The old professor called her senior when she was angry.

Answer the questions on the blackboard. The elder sister faltered for a long time and said, "This is too difficult to talk about." The whole class is nervous.

(note. Professor's original title:)

A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground, and I asked a question to show my concern: "Does your ass hurt?" result

I accidentally said, "Your ass fell to death." Khan ~ ~ ~ Brother stood up and patted his ass, farted and said, "Not dead, still breathing."

Anger! "I'm dizzy directly

Drinking with leaders and others, he raised his glass and said loudly, "Let's die together!" " My brain was too hot. ......

On one occasion, the photographer of our newspaper interviewed the star of Anonymous and told him how he met the star at the meeting. Boss, look

I made a joke on a pile of photos on the desk: I see you have become his royal photographer. But the boss's southern Mandarin is not known.

No, its pronunciation is "Yu" or "Sun". From then on, the poor photographer was called "everyday photography"

Teacher ",when he works overtime, of course it becomes" night use ".

Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

3 1 Our colleague went on a business trip, so the dealer invited us to dinner. If you want to pee while eating, the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite. Let's go

You tell the door that we will eat across the street, and it will be free. In order to save 20 cents, our colleague went straight ahead.

, rightfully said to the toilet manager: "I'm here for dinner!"

I'm from the logistics department. After the new year, customers call to ask when the goods will arrive before the holiday, because these days are a holiday.

Confused, I didn't know the content of the order, so I asked: What are you?

A friend of mine has just watched The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "fighting the dog to win the battle" and often plays jokes on others.

One day, as usual, he. Kicked a man and shouted "kick the dog's leg!" " Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed.

He kicked again and shouted, "Dog kicks!"

When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays.

I want to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant.

I'm nervous because I'm a child, and this is my first job.

Originally I wanted to ask the manager if he needed a job, but I also wanted to say that it would be more subtle to ask him if he needed manpower.

The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?"

I almost found a hole to get into.