Non-mainstream funny classic quotes that can make you laugh out loud

1. Sometimes life is like a computer. If it crashes, it crashes without discussion.

2. It is a virtue for a woman to be untalented. I must be too immoral

< p> 3. After studying for more than ten years, I think it is easier to get along in kindergarten!

4. If jade is not polished, it will become useless. People who are vulgar are not interesting.

5. If you get wet, you will become a famous figure throughout the ages.

6. Once he lost his footing, he became a big cripple, and then he looked back and slipped again.

7. I allow you to enter my world, but you are not allowed to walk around in it.

8. I am a passerby that you turn around and forget, why should I accompany you to the end of the world in wasting time?

9. I firmly believe that there will be a man who came to this world to be tortured by me.

10. Our goal: Focus on money and make big profits.

11. Dear listeners, maybe you just turned on the radio and I want to broadcast it to you again. This time the program has been broadcast.

12. The shortest documentary novel in the world: This place, a lot of money, stupid people, come quickly

13. Traveling is to go from a place where you are tired of staying to a place where others are tired of staying.

14. The mining disaster will continue to be under review, and property prices will rise under control.

15. Tonight, let us use the cold war to keep warm!

16. If we are together for a long time, we will break up, and if we are apart for a long time, we will be together; if you drink, you will go crazy, and if you drink, you will drink.

17. Being single is not difficult, but what is difficult is dealing with those who try their best to make you end your singleness. People

18. I have no intention of being different, but how can I have outstanding taste

19. Zhuge Liang never led an army before he came out of the mountain, why do you want me to have work experience

20. Use the blues spirit of hip-hop to live an erhu-like life

21. The sun is warm and the years are quiet. How dare I grow old if you don’t come?

22. What is happiness? Happiness is when you eat fish, I eat meat, and watch others gnaw bones.

23. I shine in this beautiful moment as a god. No mortal can Disturbance

24. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand

25. Sighing is the most time-wasting thing, crying is the most energy-wasting behavior

26 .Chopping wires with a kitchen knife in hand, sparks and lightning along the way

27. Putting hands in pockets, no one loves them

28. People are not smart, but they still imitate others who are bald and laugh out loud. Classic phrases

1. I once threw a brick, but it didn’t attract jade, but it did.

2. I admire myself so much that sometimes when I look in the mirror, I Kowtow to yourself!

3. Some people believe in fate, while others do not. This is not surprising, but the difference is: those who believe in fate mostly do nothing, while those who do not believe in fate often achieve something.

4. If you leave, I won’t keep you; if you come back, I won’t take you in!

5. When you encounter setbacks in relationships, you should always take them on yourself and say lightly: It’s because I don’t have the talent for love.

6. The departure of the leaves is not the pursuit of the wind, nor the retention of the tree, but the arrangement of fate and natural choice; what should come will come, what should go will go, and sometimes leaving does not mean leaving. It doesn't mean the end, but - another beginning.

7. For those with impotence, premature ejaculation is just a luxury.

8. I know there are many people who like you, including me. But there are very few people I like, except you.

9. Don’t use past memories to torture yourself now.

10. This society is very cruel. When you make a mistake, no one will tell you and will only fix you secretly. As long as you don’t find out, you will suffer a lifetime loss...

11. People who understand you don’t need to explain. People who don't understand you don't deserve your explanation. Ignore those irrelevant comments and go your own way

12. When I wake up, I feel like double-sided tape that got stuck accidentally.

13. There is no way out, and the journey is as painful as the journey.

14. When I have nothing to do at night, I like to go out for a walk alone. Walking alone in the night, looking at the long shadows drawn under the street lights, I feel so lonely.

15. Although I cannot save all sentient beings, I can harm them.

16. When I saw the food in the canteen, I felt that if I ate it, I would be wronged, and if I didn’t, I would be wronged.

17. The beginning of the story: "I will give you happiness." The ending of the story: "I wish you happiness."

18. If marriage is the grave of love, then- -Dating is to look at the feng shui of the grave, confessing is to dig one's own grave, getting married is to commit suicide for love, falling in love with another person is to move the grave, and the third party is to rob the grave.

19. Sometimes a woman is unreasonable with you, basically because she loves you.

20. If you don’t have the ability to be a father, don’t let your woman get pregnant

21. Nations rely on guns, and people rely on money. The relationship between men and women depends on sleeping.

22. In this damn weather, if you want to eat anything, take it out and let it dry in the sun and it will be cooked~~

23. The children of the poor will be masters early, and the children of the rich will be officials early . Talk about mood phrases

24. You are safe and sound in the world without me, and I pretend to be strong in the world without you.

25. I log in to QQ, seemingly to wait for someone, but when I wait, I am speechless...

26. Mistress, you hold my man in your hand Are you proud? Let me tell you gently, what you have is the leftovers from my play.

27. English songs listen to the rhythm, while Chinese songs listen to the mood.

28. In the past, when talking about friends, you first asked if others have friends, but now you have to ask others if they are gay.

29. Thank you for your unfeeling and letting me learn to give up.

30. Before entering your space, I was still thinking about whether to delete the access record. After entering, I found that I couldn’t enter at all.

31. In this era, it’s okay to love fools, but never love nerds. Because a fool may be a genius in some aspect, but a nerd is definitely a fool.

32. Life is so damn fun, because life keeps playing tricks on me

33. It will be fun to be a pig in my next life, even if I am slaughtered

34 , In front of every university, there are most hotels and Internet cafes. Gao Fushuai goes to hotels at night, and losers go to Internet cafes at night. They came out at the same time in the morning, both holding their backs. The difference is that one is doing it and the other is sitting... The best jokes that make you laugh out loud

The best jokes that make you laugh out loud

1. When I visited my female colleague’s new home, I looked at the empty room and sighed, “What a vacuum!” She put her hands on her chest and asked in surprise, "How do you know?"

2. During the Chinese New Year, I took my girlfriend to my grandma’s house. My girlfriend was 150cm tall and I was 180cm tall. It was very foggy the next morning. I took my girlfriend to get ready to go home. My grandma’s eyesight was not very good and she couldn’t sit down. He watched me go out by the door and said to me anxiously, "Ming, where are you going with this suitcase?"

3. I am 183cm tall, weigh 72kg, have thick eyebrows and short hair. I am the main player of the school basketball team. I have won several basketball championships and I know how to cook. Why don’t boys chase me for such an outstanding girl?

4. The school was practicing escape drills today. I was the first to rush to the playground and shouted to the people upstairs. "I'm going to teach you Mingjiao. If you can trust me, jump down. I'll use the Great Shift of the Universe." Catching everyone...

5. Went to a relative’s house for dinner, and a big table was gathered around it! While we were drinking wine and eating food, suddenly a bottle of beer exploded. Everyone at the table looked down and saw the dog next to them, and started drinking again. After a while, the third aunt said, why is there so much blood on the ground? The aunt said while holding the wine, the dog's legs exploded! The relatives at the table all yelled that the dog's legs were exploding, and then drove the dog out. After eating, my aunt felt that the legs were no longer hers. When she lowered her head, she saw that her legs were bleeding

6. I read on the news that a man got terminally ill when he was about to get married. In order to save his girlfriend from suffering, he decided to break up with her. Not only does my girlfriend disagree, but she also wants to get married as soon as possible. When I saw this, I was almost moved to tears. If my boyfriend hadn't had a fortune of over 100 million, I would have almost been deceived by the news again.

7. My buddy’s mother passed away, and his father unexpectedly remarried before his wife was even older. Then my buddy asked me to guess who he married, and I said I couldn’t guess. , answer, son’s mother-in-law. After a moment, I was shocked. Did this old man set up a big trap a long time ago? Old man, have you ever thought about the feelings of your son, daughter-in-law, and son?

8. Things will really happen if you stay single for a long time. While eating out today, the landlady kept urging her daughter to find a partner. I saw that her daughter was quite beautiful, so I secretly wanted to chat with her later. I kept thinking about it, but when I was checking out, I accidentally shouted, "Mom, check out!"

9. The teacher said that a girlfriend who weighs 80 pounds is skinny, a girlfriend who weighs 100 pounds is sexy, a girlfriend who weighs 120 pounds is sexy, and a girlfriend who weighs 140 pounds is sexy. Friends are emotions, find a girlfriend who weighs 180 pounds, you have a sense of humor

10. The first time I ate kiwi fruit, my husband bought it. I asked, how much does it cost per pound? Husband, this one costs three yuan and a pound. I took a bite and, well, it tasted so good that I couldn't stop eating it. . So I asked my husband to come back from get off work every day and buy two kilograms. However, I have never seen my husband eat it. It was not until I went to the supermarket today that I discovered, oh my god, this yellow heart price is more than 30 yuan per kilogram. Damn, I am so touched!

11. Hello everyone, if you know the moderator, please contact me. I can’t contact him now. I am JD customer service. We have repaired the female inflatable doll he returned and clicked his button. Requested to change it to (UNIQLO version) This is the second time we have repaired it for him! Warning again! Be gentle next time. After all, it is not made of steel. When I sent it back, the on-site staff cried when I saw it!

12. Just now, a girl followed me, and I took the initiative to say, you are the first girl to follow me. (There was a boy before) In less than 10 seconds, I The fans actually became one again! ! ! Girl, I said which word was wrong? Can't I change it?

13. When a mosquito flew onto my bed, I calmly closed the mosquito net and held a fan in one hand. As soon as I saw it stop, I immediately used the fan to drive it away. A few hours later, the mosquito became weak and fell on the quilt. I said to it, "Hey, keep flying. I haven't had enough fun yet."

14. Before going to bed at night, she said that we should watch a ghost movie together. I said it was so late and we should go to bed. She insisted, so we watched a ghost movie. She was so scared as we watched. Screaming, soon someone came to our door and shouted, "Don't make any noise, do others want to sleep?"

15. There is a girl living downstairs who lost two bicycles in a row in one week! So she was angry and bought another bicycle worth 3,000 yuan and put it downstairs. Then she held a brick and squatted in the grass opposite... Just like that, after one night, the expensive bicycle still stayed where it was. The ground, but the girl squatting in the grass has never appeared again since that day...

16. Freshmen were entering school, and a beautiful girl from a senior year walked towards them. . Man A, this beauty is really nice. . Male B, yes, but he is about to graduate, which is a pity. . Girl A. She’s so beautiful. . Female B, it’s okay, I’m in the graduating class and will be leaving school soon.

17. When I was in school, there was a buddy in my class who liked a girl from a foreign class, but the girl didn’t like him. Usually, the buddy would deliberately create chance encounters on campus and greet her proactively, but she would ignore her. It was her every time. The kind-hearted best friend next to me responded to resolve my brother's embarrassment. As time passed, my brother finally caught up with her best friend. .

18. It’s too hot, more than 30 degrees! An old man on the street was knocked down by a turning vehicle. The driver was frightened, but the old man got up immediately without saying a word.

The people in the audience commented incessantly, "The uncle is a nice person", "The uncle is really high-quality and does not blackmail people", "The uncle is in really good health"! I have health insurance! The uncle said, stop being so fucking stupid! Sit down and give it a try, you're going to burn your butt!

19. During evening self-study, everyone was reading, and the teacher was correcting homework on the podium. The whole classroom was quiet. Suddenly, a boy got up and walked around the classroom. Everyone was stunned, and then He returned to his seat and fell asleep~ Asleep~ He was sleepwalking

20. There is a girl from the neighbor's house. She is in junior high school. She looks sweet but has a very domineering personality. Fighting is common. I gave it to her this morning. Dad said: Dad, you can walk sideways when you go out, and see who dares to mess with you. Girls are like little cotton-padded jackets, and I am your bulletproof vest. From then on, in her father's mind, the image of a man can no longer be shaken off. !

21. My friend pointed to the scenery on the 100 RMB note and asked me, have I been here? I, have been to the Great Hall of the People, and my friend took out 20. Have you been to the Great Hall of the People? I, well, he took out another 1 yuan note. Have you been here before? Me: Hangzhou West Lake, he took out a coin, pointed at the chrysanthemum and said, you must have been here before.

22. Chatting with a female colleague at work. She said that her family had just bought a new car, and her husband was a little nervous about driving as a newbie. She reminded him every time: Slow down, slow down! I took over and said, that's just the beginning. After a while, you will say, husband, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! !!!!Suddenly I noticed that something was wrong with the eyes of my female colleague

23. Yesterday, I went swimming in the Jialing River. When I swam about 80 meters offshore, I suddenly thought of trying to float on the water. How long can I float before sinking? I was floating and suddenly my arm hurt. I didn’t know what was dragging me to the shore. I was so scared at the time that I thought it was a water monkey. I kept calling for help, but all around me were Laughter, when I got to the shore, I discovered that it was a big golden retriever dragging me.

24. I was working in the warehouse early in the morning. I passed by an old man selling paper money at the entrance of the warehouse. I was curious and asked him why he was not selling flowers or paper money on Valentine's Day? The uncle said, who doesn’t have a few dead ex-boyfriends and girlfriends? Watching the old man leave, I feel that I must sell paper money next year. Recruiting partners

25. In my heart, the person who rubs the bath is no different from the surgeon. They were all lying on the table, stripped naked, and under the bright light, one picked up the scalpel and the other picked up the bath towel.

26. I just passed by an abandoned factory. Maybe it was because of the sun at noon and there was no one there. I was so bored. I kicked a pebble away and fell into the grass. Then I heard Ouch, it hurts me to death! . . . Who is so wicked? Why don't I just take a shit here and use a hidden weapon? The original poster was busy looking for the source of the sound, ah! An uncle was standing up holding up his pants.

27. My sister bought a new house, and the whole family went to hotpot. My sister stewed a freshwater fish, but my niece tasted it and said it had no taste. I said in a daze, this is freshwater fish.

28. My husband asked for snacks from my three-year-old daughter and she refused to give them. Then I told my daughter the story of Kong Rong giving the pear to my daughter. My husband proudly told me how sensible my daughter was. I asked my daughter which watermelon she wanted, one large and one small. She said the small one and was about to praise her. , but she said leisurely, I can’t hold it because it’s so big

29. I met a female gangster on the bus today, which made me mad. There were many people on the bus at that time, so she stood behind me and took advantage of me every time. When someone moved in the car, she rubbed her chest against my back. After some mental struggle to understand, I decided to warn her, but at this time I realized that I had already sat for several stops. . .

30. A good friend ran away from marriage. Leave me a letter.

The marriage you are talking about is probably just a nest melon that you spent a lot of money to buy, so there is nothing more economical than a secret love

31. I was very angry when I read the news. The news said that Japan was going to introduce it in the United States. Five Osprey transport aircraft, I yelled loudly at that time, saying that I was not doing my job all day long. I was importing this and that every day. Did I even make a fucking movie?

32. A friend went to a Thai-style hotel for dinner. The waiters he met after entering the door put their hands together and said a welcome in Savadika Thai. When the food was served, a young man served it. When he went out, the young man also clasped his hands, bent down, and then murmured for a long time. He probably forgot his words. Seeing everyone in the room looking at him, the young man's face turned red, and he choked out the sentence "Amitabha" for a long time

33. Brother-in-law wants to eat and fuck Stir-fried turtle, my sister made a package at the restaurant and took it home for my mother to eat. My mother found it disgusting and refused to eat it, so she asked her why she felt sick. She said, "Fuck it, that whip is so disgusting

34. I was just playing with my mobile phone on the side of the road when a three or four year old girl came over and said to me, I want to go there (just four words). Confused me. It was only later that I realized that because there were many cars and motorcycles on the road, she wanted me to hold her hand and send her to the other side of the road. Children nowadays are all villains. Do I look like a good person?

35. There was an old man who worshiped Guan Gong and burned incense every day. Suddenly one day his son had a car accident. The old man got angry and said, "You can't even protect my son. What's the use of worshiping you?" Shi Guan Gong hurriedly said that your son rode a motorcycle for more than 100 miles. My red rabbit horse can run at most 90 miles and I can't catch him.

36. When registering for junior high school, my dad gave it to me. . He asked me to check my luggage and see which class I was assigned to. You came to me sweating profusely after a long time and asked me why your name was not there. Did you fail the exam? I was frightened and hurriedly ran to look. My name was at the first place. Then I pointed at him and said, isn’t this me? Dad looked at it seriously and then looked at me. It turns out your name is this!

37. When I was 14 years old, I started my own business before I even went to junior high school. I started from scratch. Now my company has assets of tens of millions. My house is a multi-story luxury villa, and I have a Porsche, a Lamborghini, and a Maserati each. I am not here to show off my wealth, I just want to tell everyone that if you give me another bottle of Erguotou, I can continue to brag

38. I remember that on Valentine’s Day, my wife insisted that I send her flowers. I asked, dear, what flowers do you want? Wife and baby, I like everything you give me! I-give it to you! Chive flowers!

39. There is an ugly girl in my class. One day, two eighth-grandmothers were discussing how similar this ugly girl was to Ruhua. When the ugly girl heard this, she came up and asked. Then they said they were as beautiful as flowers, and then the ugly girl believed them.

40. A couple had a quarrel, and I was shocked at what the girl said. The girl said to the man that your recognition of me would never come true just like I fucked your father

41. Hello everyone, if you know the moderator, please contact me. Now I I can't contact him anymore. This is JD customer service. We have repaired the female inflatable doll he returned and changed it into the (Uniqlo version) as he requested. This is the second time we have repaired it for him! Warning again! Be gentle next time, after all, it is not made of steel. When I sent it back, the on-site staff cried when I saw it!

42. There was a girl who was accidentally deceived by a bad guy into becoming a wife in a mountainous area. The girl told her husband a lot of truths. In the end, the girl said that the melons that are forced are not sweet. . . My husband thought for a while and said, "You are right, but I like to eat bitter melon!" ! ! Then the girl collapsed.

43. Ask your roommate (female), how old are you? My roommate looked at me shyly and asked why? Why can't I ask? My roommate smiled shyly at me, 34D. What I'm specifically asking about is age, you're thinking too much, you're so young.

44. Yesterday, I gave my 5-year-old brother a bath, and a small boat was placed on it. My brother innocently said, "Report to the captain, the pirate ship is coming." The younger brother changed his voice again and said, launch a torpedo. I thought where did the torpedo come from? Then I heard a pop'~~, and a few bubbles appeared under the water

45. After the uncle watched The Smurfs Come Out. .

Reporter, do you think the new version looks good? What's the difference between Uncle, Haokan Reporter and the old version? Uncle, my TV at home was black and white at that time, so you couldn’t tell it was blue at all. Laughing Phrases

1. Making cheap things priceless is the real way.

2. The train bound for hell has set off. Please do not disturb.

3. We cross other people’s paths and stop them halfway.

4. When you go shopping with me, you are only allowed to look at the products, not the beauties, except for me.

5. I fought against fat and almost lost my life

6. My mother said that a prodigal son can’t exchange for gold, so who will give me gold? I change.

7. This world is yours, this era is yours, but unfortunately you are mine.

8. Don’t think that if you hold a knife, you are a swordsman

9. Behind the scenery is either vicissitudes of life or filth.

10. My schizophrenia has been cured, and I am very happy.

11. You are a madman and he is a fool, jumping off a cliff in a lingering manner.

12. Your appearance is not correct and your proportions are not correct.

13. No matter what age it is, there is no sense of gangsterism at all.

14. Don’t call fools stupid, don’t call bad guys bad

15. You are the one who doesn’t understand, but you have made me bear the burden of a thousand years of waiting!

16. Those who were once overly dependent have now become jealous and unfamiliar.

17. When the sun comes out, I climb the hillside. After climbing the hillside, I want to sing.

18. One day I will achieve enlightenment and conquer all of you evildoers.

19. I am not lady gaga, I don’t know how to do it.

20. Everything was vented today, and we all took out the trash.

21. The words you have said don’t count, the people you like change every day.

22. The advantage of being short is that you can wear cropped pants as long pants.

23. I am the master. No matter what others think, I am still me.

24. Being suppressed by life, I suddenly had the idea of ??becoming a monk.

25. As the old saying goes: When three people travel together, there must be a light bulb.