Born in a family ⑤

I believe everyone has heard of the saying "a good word warms three winters, and a bad word hurts the cold in June"?

In children's young minds, parents are the center of the whole world.

As the saying goes: "What kind of seeds you plant, you will reap what kind of fruit." If parents think that children are treasures, then children will firmly believe that they are valuable and worthy of being loved.

However, if parents always think that their children are useless, then these children will tend to think that they are of low value and do not deserve happiness.

Although we have always regarded disciplining children as a private matter of every family? But we also have to deny that those children who have been hurt by their parents' words for a long time suffer more than those who have been beaten by their parents.

In today's article, we will talk about the harm of language violence to children, and sincerely hope that parents can pay more attention to their young hearts when talking with their children.

0 1.

The power of swearing

First of all, let's be clear here-what degree of derogatory meaning can already be counted as the category of language violence.

In life, most parents will inevitably hurt their children half-jokingly when they are extremely angry or their children make mistakes. However, if parents often make verbal attacks on their children's looks, intelligence, abilities or values, it belongs to verbal violence.

Like controlling parents (for more details, please poke: from a family ④ | There are no children who don't grow up, only parents who don't want to let go), parents who verbally abuse have two completely different behavior styles.

Some parents directly and openly belittle their children with vicious language.

For example, when some parents quarrel, they will say to their children, "If only you hadn't been born, so I wouldn't …" Or, after the child makes a mistake, they will say, "How could you make such a stupid mistake? It's embarrassing ... "And so on.

Some parents will attack their children through long-term teasing, sarcasm, insulting nicknames, or indirect humiliation.

For example, they will jokingly call their children "little stupid pigs" or make some malicious jokes, such as "You must have forgotten to go when they allocate brains."

If there are children or other family members who are dissatisfied with this, parents with verbal violence will accuse them of lacking a sense of humor, as if they were just joking.

Phil, a 48-year-old dentist, has an enviable job, but his voice is always so low that people around him can't hear him.

From his account, we found that Phil's father always teased him endlessly when he was a child, especially when outsiders were present.

For a long time, humiliated Phil never dared to speak loudly again, because he didn't know whether he would be teased by people around him next moment.

02.

Derogatory humor, the destroyer in the family.

Not only Phil, but also any child doesn't know how to distinguish jokes from facts, nor how to make fun of and threaten them.

Although positive humor is the most effective way to connect family members, those derogatory humor is extremely destructive in the family environment-children's understanding of irony or exaggeration is still literal.

In other words, they are inexperienced and can't take their parents' "I'm going to send you away" as a joke.

Therefore, when parents repeatedly mention this sentence, children will not feel funny, but will worry that they will really be thrown into the hospital by their parents one day.

Therefore, the jokes that these parents often make, like other ways of discipline, are abusive, cruel and destructive.

Another kind of verbal violence is clothed with guidance.

For example, some parents will tell their children "I am actually doing it for your own good", "I am helping you grow into a better person" and "I am teaching you how to adapt to this cruel world".

Because these behaviors are hidden behind the mask of parental education, it is often difficult for adult children to realize their harmfulness.

Tom is an attractive middle-aged man, and now he is the account manager of a big company. He has been doing well since he came to the company for six years, and gradually became the account manager of the company from an ordinary front desk employee.

However, when his boss encouraged him to continue to be promoted to sales director, he backed out and kept telling the author, "My closest people know that it's too difficult, and I'm sure I can't do it ..."

After in-depth communication with him, the author found that the closest person turned out to be his mother.

It turns out that when Tom was a child, his mother asked him to do everything perfectly ... If Tom dared to screw things up, his mother would try her best to humiliate him and order him to do it.

I remember once, Tom got 95 points in a quiz, only 3 points short of the first place's 98 points. However, when he got home, what was waiting for him was not his mother's comfort, but an overwhelming accusation, "Why are you so stupid? ! I can't even do such a simple question! I don't have a son like you.

Her words suddenly depressed Tom. So she patted Tom on the shoulder. When Tom finally thought his mother would say something to comfort him, his mother said, "Face it, after all, you can't do anything well, can you?" 」

From Tom's story, we can see that his mother's attitude towards him is always contradictory. On the one hand, she forced him to do everything perfectly. On the other hand, after he did something wrong, she told him that he was actually a very bad boy.

As a result, Tom lost the opportunity to build confidence again and again, for his mother claimed-"I just want you to be a better person."

03.

Behind the abuse are a pair of competitive parents.

As children grow up, so do their parents.

Especially in children's adolescence, parents who are not enlightened enough feel not only the joy of their children's progress, but also the anxiety that their sense of superiority is decreasing.

However, not every parent can look back on themselves, accept their children's growth and complete a healthy handover with their children.

Some parents will use their unique advantages to put pressure on their children to resist this risk.

For example, some mothers will tell their children that "appearance is not important, but inner importance" to cover up their fear of old age, while some fathers will make their sons realize that "there is only one man in the family, and that is themselves" through ridicule and humiliation.

At this time, some children will openly compete with their parents as a test of entering adulthood, and parents regard this behavior of their children as "rebellion."

During this period, no matter what aggressive parents say they want their children, their hidden real intention is not to be surpassed by their children. In other words, they will prove to their children in various ways that "we all have our own limits, and I am your limit."

This information will leave a deep impression on children, and even if they can really achieve something in a certain field as adults, they will often feel a great sense of guilt.

Because for poisoned children, surpassing their parents is a betrayal of their parents. Therefore, they subconsciously set a lot of restrictions for themselves, so that they will not surpass their parents, in order to alleviate their sense of guilt.

As a result, to some extent, they turned their parents' negative predictions into reality.

In addition to lack of self-confidence, unrealistic expectations of children's perfection are another reason for fierce verbal attacks.

These parents are often successful people in society, and always expect their children to face all this maturely. However, they forget that this maturity can only be achieved through the accumulation of life experience, which is too difficult for children.

Although it is said that high standards are easier to achieve results, setting too high goals and requirements for children and cynicism when children fail to meet the standards will only bring great harm to children.

For a long time, these children will either constantly demand themselves in order to win the recognition of their parents and people around them, or they will strongly resist their parents, even to the point of fear.

For them, whatever they do, it's like someone is scoring. Once they don't do well, they are a huge loser.

So, in such children, we often see impatience and anxiety? Pay too much attention to other people's eyes and other abnormal behaviors.

Let's call it a day.

Each of us is not an island, and each of us will inevitably judge others, or be searched and evaluated by others.

When you hear negative comments about yourself from others, and let them enter your mind, or even accept them, you will plant a poisonous seed of "Are you good enough?".

And every time you meet a challenge, this seed will sprout a little bit until it grows into a thorn that hinders your growth. At that time, you will be very sad to find that those negative comments, intentionally or unintentionally, have finally become a reality.

In tomorrow's reading, we will discuss ways to solve these problems together, hoping to help you find your inner strength again.

Best wishes.