Know yourself and build confidence.

One morning, Tina was about to go out when her 8-year-old son Luke suddenly rushed into the bathroom to find her and began to cry. The following is her description of the incident:

I helped Luke calm down, and he was finally able to explain. Luke said that his 5-year-old brother JP(6) was "five-star" to him. I don't understand this statement. Luke explained that "five stars" means slapping others with an open palm and leaving palm prints on others' skin. Finger prints are like the five corners of a star. Lucra lifted his shirt, and I saw that there were five red "star horns" on his back, which looked like the small hands of a five-year-old child.

I comforted him, and then I went to find his naughty brother who was obviously in the red zone. If you have heard my speech, you may have heard the story about me, in which I am a bad parent. But that morning, I was in the green zone, and I was able to regard this child discipline as an educational opportunity and an opportunity to cultivate children's ability, which just helped JP develop the third basic characteristic of an open brain-insight.

I know that JP is still in a reactive emotional state, lacking acceptance, and it is impossible to carry out learning. I also know that it is more effective to establish a connection with him before teaching him. I knelt down and hugged him in my arms, comforting him and saying, "Oh, young man, you are really angry."

JP's sobs gradually stopped, his muscles began to relax, and his mood became stable. I said understandably, "I think you know it's wrong to hit people like that." What happened? "

when I asked this question, I was implementing "experience sharing of the second method of whole brain education: soothing emotions" in the Whole Brain Education Law (7). I guide JP to tell his story, and telling his feelings will help him become more calm, so that he can tame strong emotions. JP said that he and Luke were calling grandma, and he told a joke. Just before he finished, Luke blurted out the ending. After they hung up, JP tried to tell Luke how angry he was, but only attracted Luke's teasing.

I understand JP very well. Let him fully express his frustration first. In his view, it is a serious problem to violate the etiquette of telling jokes, and it is completely reasonable to quote "five stars". Then, I began to use this discipline moment to help my 5-year-old son develop inner insight. Remember, discipline is inseparable from education.

After that, the conversation naturally transitions to these questions: "When you feel anger rising in your body, what other ways can you express it?" "What works for you? When you are particularly angry and the lower brain begins to dominate, what can calm you down? " After establishing a connection with JP and helping him gain insight into himself through reflective dialogue, I can enter the redirection stage. I asked him what he could do to get back together with his brother.

The focus of effective discipline is not punishment, but education. It has two main purposes: (1) to achieve short-term cooperation by preventing bad behavior or promoting good behavior; (2) Growth contributes to children's future judgment, self-control and connections in the brain. These are the purposes of Tina's conversation with JP. She achieved her first goal by establishing emotional connection with her son, so that JP could calm down and be willing to study. If Tina hadn't helped him enter the green zone, he wouldn't have learned anything. In the green zone, JP can mobilize his learning loop. The second purpose revolves around helping him understand his feelings and reactions better, so that with his development, he can make more wise decisions when he is upset or angry in the future. Tina wants her son to become more insightful.

The focus of effective discipline is not punishment, but education. It has two main purposes: (1) to achieve short-term cooperation by preventing bad behavior or promoting good behavior; (2) Growth contributes to children's future judgment, self-control and connections in the brain.

among the four basic characteristics of the open brain that we have discussed, insight is probably the most easily overlooked. Insight is the ability to see through yourself and understand yourself. We can better control our emotions and environment by using this ability. It is not easy for children and adults to have insight. But it is worth our efforts to acquire and develop it. Insight is the key element of social ability and emotional intelligence, and it is also very important for mental health. Without insight, it is impossible for us to understand ourselves and establish good interpersonal relationships with others. If you want to be creative, meaningful and happy in life, then insight is the basic requirement. If you want your children to have this kind of life, then teach them insight.

Negative emotions are not a problem in themselves. Don't mistake them for bad. Negative emotions are also important, even if they make us feel uncomfortable, even if we often think they are bad. The problem is not emotions, but that we don't know them when we feel them. If so, these unconscious emotions will lead to various harmful, annoying or unintentional behaviors and decisions. If we knew our emotions, we probably wouldn't make such behaviors and decisions. This is the main reason why we need to cultivate insight. It enables us to understand our emotions and thus change the way we react.

these unconscious emotions can lead to various harmful, annoying or unintentional behaviors and decisions. If we knew our emotions, we probably wouldn't make such behaviors and decisions. Insight enables us to understand our emotions and thus change the way we react.

That's why we say that insight can give us strength. With insight, we are no longer helpless in the face of emotions and unfavorable environment. We can see what is happening in our hearts and make conscious and purposeful decisions instead of blindly following unconscious and destructive impulses.

with insight, we are no longer helpless in the face of emotions and unfavorable environment. We can see what is happening in our hearts and make conscious and purposeful decisions instead of blindly following unconscious and destructive impulses.

when we say that we know our inner feelings, we mean to acknowledge and even welcome the emotions we feel at the moment, and at the same time gain insight into our reactions to these emotions. For centuries, scientists, philosophers and thinkers in various fields have discussed this. Some describe it as understanding different levels of consciousness, while others say it is a dual mode of processing information. No matter what we say, it means that we should not only perceive emotions, but also observe how we perceive them. We are both observers and observed objects; Both the experiencer and the witness of the experience. In the words that children can understand, we are both players on the field and spectators in the stands.

imagine that you just took your children to the movies. You splurged this time and bought expensive popcorn in the cinema instead of sneaking it into the cinema after you cooked it in the microwave at home. Now, you are on your way home. Instead of thanking you happily for taking them to the movies, the children are complaining and arguing about who should do what first. Their voices are getting louder and louder. It was very hot that day, and the air conditioning in the car was not effective. As the noise in the back seat escalates, your emotions begin to enter the red zone. You start to get angry and feel out of control. At this time, without insight, your lower brain will be completely dominant. You will lose your temper at the children, teach them to be grateful, and list all kinds of misdeeds of spoiled children.

This "you" who drove home from the movie is what we call a "player". You are on the court and the game is in full swing. It is difficult for players to do anything except concentrate on the game and deal with possible situations.

what if you could observe "you" as a player from outside the court? As a player, "you" are participating in the competition and have no insight; As an audience, you are an observer, watching all this from the stands.

can you understand why the audience in the stands can keep calm, but the players on the field can't? The audience can keep insight and overall view, while the players are just feeling every second of the game enthusiastically.

You are sitting in a hot car and driving your complaining child home from the cinema. When you feel that you are about to enter the red zone and start to lose your temper, you can use this insight and overall view. You in the car are the players in the game. As you can imagine, as an audience, you are floating above the car, overlooking you as a player and the children in the back seat.

the mood and noise in the car will not affect the audience. The audience's task is just to see what happened to the "players". He just observes, doesn't judge, criticize or fault, because he knows that emotions are very important, even negative ones. He just looked at the scene and paid attention to what was happening, including how the players' anger escalated. Although the player felt mad, he didn't realize that anger was affecting his mood. The audience, on the other hand, can look at the whole scene with heart, get a more comprehensive and healthy view, and sometimes even find the whole thing interesting.

what do you think the audience will say in this situation? What would you say to yourself if you could jump out of the way and look at yourself peacefully as an audience, sitting there clutching the steering wheel and straining your joints to white?

The audience may say, "It's normal to be angry. Who won't be angry? I'm just a mortal. I'm tired, and so are the children. They don't usually do this, but they are just children. Now, I want to take a deep breath and relax my body. Then, play children's favorite songs and try not to say anything that I regret. We will be home soon, and we will all calm down. If I need to solve their behavior problems, I will wait until I return to the green zone. " .

we didn't say that this insight was easy to do, and it needed practice. However, if you like, you can significantly improve your insight through simple observation. To control your response to annoying situations, you must have insight, which is so useful!

The key to insight is to develop and use time-outs, so that you can become an audience to observe players. Only in this way can we see things clearly and objectively and make wise decisions. We often react immediately to a stimulus. The noise in the hot car makes parents collapse. A difficult problem in the math exam makes the over-careful fourth-grade children very anxious, and they can't even answer the questions, let alone get good grades in the exam.

If we don't pause, we will subconsciously react impulsively, and it is impossible to stay in the green zone, but directly enter the state of defensive brain.

but if we can insert a short pause, everything will change. The intervention of audience perspective will remind you to take a deep breath and look at the whole situation objectively. When your 9-year-old child collapses because of a math problem, a pause will allow her to intervene from the audience's perspective and give her a chance to slow down and relax herself as a player. The difference lies in the pause, and the effect lies in the pause.

is it easy for children to pause their emotional attacks when they encounter difficulties? Of course it's not easy. Is this a natural reaction for most children? Like most adults, this is not a natural reaction. Insight is a skill that can be acquired through practice. For the fourth-grade children, if they want to gain this insight and convince themselves not to be anxious, they need adults to tell her this skill and set an example for her, and then give her many opportunities to practice. In the above example, the child had various conversations with her father to exchange her nervous problems during the exam, and then came up with a "secret reminder" together. When she feels more and more anxious, she can rely on "secret reminders" to alleviate her anxiety. Dad told her that it was important to notice her fears at first-that's when the audience's perspective intervened, and then she looked at her bracelet, which reminded her of another word that began with br-the "secret weapon".

Therefore, she can start to relax her shoulders, relax her muscles and release the tension and anxiety that she wants to control. Hello, open mind! It all starts with a pause, which produces a flexible response.

we need to pause between stimulus and response. This can prevent us from making subconscious responses to stimuli, so that we can choose how to respond, both emotionally and behaviorally. Without pause, there will be no subsequent insight, and there will be no choice but reaction. When we pause before responding, we add time and psychological space between stimulation and behavior. From the perspective of neurobiology, this psychological space enables us to consider various possibilities, so that we can get along with feelings and reflect before taking action. Pause enables us to be the "wisest self" as much as possible, which will reduce the pressure on ourselves and those around us and increase happiness.

Pause enables us to be "the wisest self" as much as possible, which will reduce the pressure on ourselves and those around us and increase happiness.

We also know that it is easier said than done to pause when you are excited. But you can do it. Moreover, through practice, you will do better and better. This may or may not be your default mechanism, but when you face difficulties, it will become a more and more natural response.

What's exciting is that you can help children develop the important ability of "pause". Just as children who take math exams can learn the ability to pause and calm themselves down, so can your children learn to gain insight when facing similar obstacles. Imagine if children learn to pause in the face of challenges and then make insightful choices, how their lives will be different as children and future teenagers and adults. Then imagine what peaceful and caring parents they will become when they have their own children. By helping children develop insight and flexibility when they are young, you can lay the foundation for emotional health and successful interpersonal relationships for generations.

We know Alice, a little girl in grade one. She shows a good state of open mind.

One day, Alice's parents told her that their family was moving to a new city. Alice was very reluctant to leave her present home and friends, so she burst into tears when her parents told her the news. At this time, parents listened to her and made her cry. Remember, the purpose of insight is not to eliminate emotions. Emotions are beneficial, they are very important, and they are healthy responses to stimuli. So, don't avoid emotions. Our focus is to feel emotions and cultivate insight, so as to make better and more informed decisions.

When Alice had time to absorb and digest the news, she paused and decided to do what she liked very much-telling stories. She wrote