Who can tell me a joke? I haven’t seen it. It just needs to be funny.

① Nowadays, Chinese language in primary schools is too difficult. Look at one of their homework questions:

Requirement: Connect the following four sentences with related words:

1. Zhang Haidi My sister is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studies tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi has learned many foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi has learned acupuncture . (Note: The correct answer should be: Although sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed, she studied tenaciously and not only learned many foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture.)

As a result, one child wrote: Although sister Zhang Haidi She tenaciously learned acupuncture and many foreign languages, but she was still paralyzed.

Later, I discovered that the more powerful child wrote:

Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned foreign languages, but also acupuncture. She studied so tenaciously that she finally became paralyzed.

The reason why sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed was because she studied tenaciously. Not only did she learn many foreign languages, she even learned acupuncture.

Sister Zhang Haidi studied so tenaciously. Not only did she learn many foreign languages ??and acupuncture, but she also learned to become paralyzed.

Sister Zhang Haidi has learned many foreign languages, learned acupuncture, and is still studying hard to become paralyzed.

Sister Zhang Haidi learned many foreign languages ??and acupuncture through tenacious study, but ended up paralyzing herself by reading a foreign language acupuncture book

②The most powerful history lesson in history This is how it goes~~~

In a history class at a famous university, the professor was asking students from all over the world: "To survive or to perish. Who said this famous saying? "

After being silent for a long time, Furuta stood up and said: "William Shakespeare."

"Very good, who is known as the "Conscience of Europe"?

"Romain Rolland. "

"Give me freedom or let me die. Who first said this famous saying?"

"It was said by Bartlick Henry in 1775. ”

“Very good, then, who said ‘of the people, by the people, for the people’. "

"In 1863, Abraham Lincoln said. "

"That's absolutely correct, students. The person who answered the question just now was a Japanese student, but as a student from a European country, he couldn't answer it. It's a pity. "The professor said with emotion.

"Fuck little Japan!" Suddenly someone shouted.

"Who! Who said that!" The professor was so angry that his voice trembled.

"In 1945, President Truman said it. "John stood up.

"What do you think you are doing? "The professor said angrily.

"Madonna said it. "Jack also stood up.

"This is really disgusting and simply lawless. "The professor was shaking with anger.

"In 1991, Bush Sr. said this when he met with the Prime Minister of Japan. "Stephen couldn't sit still.

The class immediately fell into chaos. All the students began to talk about it, and some students began to boo: "Yeah! Really powerful. "

"Clinton said to Lewinsky. "Mary answered expressionlessly.

The whole class fell into chaos. Some students shouted at Furuta: "You piece of shit, if you dare to speak again, I will kill you." ”

“In 2001, Gary Condit said to Levi. (Note: Levy was a White House intern who was murdered in Washington in 2001. Her ex-boyfriend, Democrat Condit, was resisted arrest as a suspect)

The professor was so angry that he could not speak. After a while, he strode out the door. When he reached the door, he gave everyone a cold look: "I will be back."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger Said." Bob finally interjected.

Gutian waved his hands in grievance: "I didn't do anything bad, why is this happening?"

"Leslie Cheung said.

"Li Xiaoli replied with an expression of admiration

All the students gathered in a circle, and Tom was a little dejected: "Damn it, we are finished. "

"Hitler said it. "Ikhanova answered immediately.

A student said: "We are in big trouble this time. "

"In 2002, Arthur Anderson said. " Jane replied.

(Note: Arthur Anderson, Arthur Andersen, one of the five largest accounting firms in the United States, went bankrupt in 2002 due to the Enron scandal)

Wright sighed: "Today will be a very meaningful day. "

"Ben.**** said it. "Kris was finally proud that he could name a name.

"This is by no means my proudest day. "Furuta said with shame.

"Tony Blair said it. "I don't know who is answering.

At this time, the principal and the professor came in together. His face was ashen and he said almost word by word: "You have to pay for this! "

"Stalin said it. "The whole class answered in unison

1 Question: If after death you saw Po Meng at Naihe Bridge and gave you Po Meng soup, what would you say?

A: No Let me forget about my relatives, okay?

B: No coriander and green onion, thank you!

2

The teacher asked Xiao Ming: "Is there any way to protect the environment? Stop cutting down trees indiscriminately? ”

Xiao Ming replied: “If you give out one less paper every day, there will be no killing if there is no buying and selling.” ”

3

The chef in the cafeteria must have lost his love, because I found that the newly changed menu has a unique scenery:

Ecstasy lotus root slices, heartbroken cucumbers, Fat facelift, remembrance of lentils, sad tofu shreds, innocent Mushu meat

4

I was playing checkers with my 5-year-old daughter when my phone rang. , it was a call from my friend Lao Hou, and he said hello: "Hello, Brother Hou! "I started chatting with him enthusiastically.

At this time, my daughter ran over and stared at me with eyes full of reverence without saying a word.

I chatted with Lao Hou After finishing, he put down the phone and asked his daughter: "What's wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like this?" "

The daughter asked in a low voice: "Dad, how did you and Sun Wukong know each other? ”

5

Why did I put my phone in airplane mode and still broke it when I threw it downstairs?

Answer: Because when the phone was grounded, you didn’t Adjust to landing mode.

6

The captain flattered the new stewardess: "Ask each other, if you don't know it, give me 5 dollars; if I don't know it, I will give you 100. Dollar. "

The stewardess said: "Okay. ”

The captain asked: “What is the cruising speed of the 747?” "

The stewardess lost $5.

It was the stewardess's turn to ask: "What is that thing with 3 eyes, 6 noses, 9 legs and a tail?" "

The captain gave the flight attendant $100.

The captain asked unconvinced: "What is the answer? "

The flight attendant gave another $5 to the captain.

7

I was on a date with my boyfriend today, and he texted me: "I'll be there in 5 minutes." If not, please read this message again..."

8

A science student cursed: "You are simply the solution to X 2>4! "It took me a long time to figure out that the answer is "two to positive infinity"

On September 9, Xiao Zhen's mother saw Xiao Zhen's father rummaging through boxes and cabinets looking for something, and asked Xiao Zhen: "What is your dad looking for?"

Xiao Zhen said doubtfully: "I don't know, maybe he's looking for you, or maybe he's looking for grandma. "

Mom was puzzled.

Xiao Zhen continued: "Because while he was looking for it, he said it was really hard to find grandma. ”

10 IT people all know that working overtime every day, staying up late is the norm, and there is no possibility of weekend breaks.

One weekend, everyone had been busy together all morning. At around eleven o'clock, a colleague suddenly got up and rushed out without saying a word. He said: You guys are busy, I will go out to get married and come back. . .

11 A young man sat at the door of the Bird's Nest, looking depressed.

The police came over and asked: "Didn't you buy a ticket for the 30th anniversary of the Rolling Stones today?" The young man took out two tickets. The policeman was surprised and asked him why he didn't go in.

The young man said: "I originally wanted to ask the girl I had a crush on and call her. The girl asked what concert it was, but as soon as I said 'get out', my phone ran out of battery." ? "

12 The boss asked me: "Can you come to work this Saturday? I know you like to have fun on weekends, but we really need you here."

"Okay. Ah, no problem. But as you know, the bus is so bad on weekends, so I might have to arrive a little later."

"Well, when do you think you can come?"

"Monday."

13

The husband asked: What should I do if I have an affair?

The wife smiled sweetly: I am very gentle. I will cripple you at most, but I will not kill you!

The husband said movedly: You are so kind!

The wife smiled and said: If we can’t be husband and wife, we can still be sisters!

14

A dating website has a test question: If a poor boy pretends to be a rich man and falls in love with you, how will you react when you find out? 90 candidates: resolutely sever ties, honesty is one of the most important qualities.

A month later, the website asked another question: If a rich man pretends to be a poor man and falls in love with you, how will you react when you find out? 90 candidate: Continue to date, what I love is his person, not his money.

15 Xiao Ming’s father beat him twice yesterday. For the first time, Xiao Ming was seen by his father holding a test paper with only 20 points on it. Then he beat him up. After the beating, Xiao Ming’s father discovered that the paper was from when he was a child, so he beat Xiao Ming severely again...

16 One day, a friend went to the supermarket. On his way home, he encountered a knife-wielding robbery. He calmly looked at the knife in the young man's hand and took out the 42-centimeter-long watermelon knife he just bought from his bag...

A friend said He has never forgotten the young man's expression when he saw the watermelon knife...

17 A classmate wrote in an exam: There is always love in thousands of mountains and rivers, can you give me some points?

The corrector looked at it and replied to him: There is love in the world, and giving 0 points is also love.

A classmate in dormitory 18 went to the toilet and accidentally dropped his phone while playing with it.

Then, he went back and got a pair of chopsticks to pick them out. Just as he was about to take off his chopsticks, a buddy entered the toilet.

Seeing this, the man asked with concern: "Brother, you haven't eaten yet."

19 Question: What is the most self-deceptive thing in the world?

Answer: In the first step of website registration, I have read and agreed to accept the above terms.

20 I remember this year’s Lantern Festival, someone posted a picture.

There are six glutinous rice balls in the bowl, which read: wealth, happiness, success, wishful thinking, health, and joy.

It’s a pity that such good things have come to nothing.

22 You were walking on the road.

A female dog pounced on you and bit a piece of meat from your foot.

She swallowed it quickly.

When you stretched out your foot to kick it,

the dog said with tears: Go ahead, I already have your flesh and blood in my belly!

23 Yesterday I dreamed about God and said that he could fulfill my wish.

I took out the globe and said I wanted world peace, but he said it was too difficult to replace, so let’s get one.

I took out your photo and said, I want this person to become beautiful. He pondered for a moment and said, "Let me take a look at the globe.

”

24 On Women’s Day, my daughter came home, pulled her father to sit on the sofa, turned on the TV, and then said to her mother: “Mom, today is my father’s holiday, you cook!” "

My mother was surprised: "Whose holiday is it? "

"Me and dad! Father and Daughter's Day! "My daughter announced loudly.

Girl 29: "The happiest moment of the day is when you ride your bicycle and take me to the corner of the street to eat braised pork rice after get off work. "

Male: "Tell the truth. ”

Female: “You take me on a bicycle to eat braised pork rice.” "

Male: "Tell the truth. "

Female: "Braised pork rice..."

30

The company has hired a new group of employees, and there is a test for job placement. There is only one question: 1 1=?

The answer from the Human Resources Department is as follows:

If the answer is equal to 2, you will go to the technical department.

If the answer is greater than 2, you will go to the sales department.

If the answer is less than 2, go to the Finance Department.

If you don’t answer anything, go to the office.

Those who get SB on this question will not be hired.

31

Question: Looking for a costume TV series. The plot is that the hero falls into a cave and eats mushrooms and becomes very powerful in martial arts!

Some people say it is "Jin". "Sword and Eagle Feather", some people say it is "The Legend of the Condor Heroes"

The last person answered: Super Mario!

32

Morning physical examination. Blood needs to be drawn.

The nurse who gave the first shot said I was too fat and couldn’t find the blood vessels.

The nurse who gave the second shot said my skin was too thick to penetrate.

The nurse who gave the third injection said that the first two nurses were new.

33

When my brother was two years old, I was eight years old. Let’s play a game with him.

I said: “Let’s play the mushroom picking game. I’ll pretend to be a mushroom and you’ll pick it. "My brother happily agreed.

So I put on a quilt and wrapped myself into a big mushroom. My brother came over and stamped on my head.

34

When the college entrance examination results came out, the teacher took a deep breath and said to me: "Actually, not passing the exam is a blessing to you and the university. ”

My classmate and her friend went to eat pizza in 40. When my classmate was paying,

As soon as the money was given to the waiter, a boy suddenly called me, come here,

Then he grabbed the 100 yuan from the waiter,

put it into his wallet, then took out 100 yuan from his wallet and paid the bill,

The whole movement was so smooth, leaving a row of girls behind petrified.

One day on the 40th, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely enough, their smiles after death were all ^_^... The funeral home manager was very puzzled and asked pol.ice: Why did they My face after death will be ^_^? Pol.ice said: This... it's a long story... Look at the person on the left... He was spending spring night with his wife in ***... .At the most passionate moment... I couldn't bear it... After hanging up, the administrator replied: Alas... I would like to die under the flowers... I can be a ghost even if I die. ...How did the middle one die? pol.ice: That one in the middle... He... What a tragedy... He was walking on the road... Suddenly he heard that he had won the jackpot... ....The prize was more than 700 million... When he laughed happily... he was hit by an oncoming car... and ended up... dead. ..... The administrator replied: Alas... He is really not blessed to enjoy this glorious and wealthy life for the rest of his life... What about the remaining one? pol.ice: ...This one's death is a bit pitiful... He was struck to death by lightning while climbing a tree. The administrator replied: ...That's it. Something is wrong, why are you still smiling after being struck by lightning... Pol.ice said: Because after he climbed the tree, he thought... there was a sudden flash of lightning... He thought... ...Someone took a picture of him...

41 One day when I was in school, a phone call came to me. After receiving the call, my classmate handed it to me and said, "Your mother is calling for you." I took the phone call. As soon as the phone call came, he casually said: "Male or female" and everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for 4 years...

49

1. Red Mansion: Mostly women; Water Margin: Mostly men;

Journey to the West: Mostly Not human beings; Three Kingdoms: Most of them are human beings.

2. The Red Mansion: The girl is thick-skinned; Water Margin: The court is thick-skinned;

Three Kingdoms: The military advisor is thick-skinned; Journey to the West: The gods are thick-skinned.

3. Journey to the West: Brother Monkey, save me; Red Mansion: Sister, save me;

Water Margin: Uncle, save me; Three Kingdoms: Military Advisor, save me! !

50

A teacher said to the students: "Any students who think they are stupid please stand up."

After everyone was silent for a few minutes, a The boy stood up slowly.

The teacher said: "Why do you think you are stupid?"

The boy replied: "No, teacher, I can't bear you standing alone..."

51 My sister enrolled her six-year-old son in many weekend classes.

The day before yesterday, my nephew didn’t want to go, so he cried and said to me: “Auntie, I feel like my life is just a pants.”

I asked: “Why?”

He said: "I have to catch whatever my mother farts."

52 Fill a large jar with coke and put a white mouse into the jar. After a while the mouse died.

Experts believe that there is an ingredient in Coke that can poison mice to death, but what is it? Is it harmful to the body if people drink it?

After three years of careful research, spending a lot of manpower, material and financial resources, and hundreds of verifications and discussions, we finally came to the conclusion:

Too much Coke is too small The white rat drowned! Agree 0 | Comment 2012-6-3 09:17 The moon that wants to be a star | Level 5

Zhan Zhao excitedly said to the people who had wronged him: "Don't worry, Mr. Bao can't be found even with a lantern. What a good officer!" After hearing this, Bao Zheng said angrily: "Guardian Zhan, is this officer that bad?"

Jinluan Palace went to court early. Song Renzong looked majestically at the ministers and said angrily: "Why isn't Bao Zheng here?!" "Long live the return, isn't Bao Zheng right here?" The Eight Sages pointed at the bewildered Bao Zheng. Song Renzong: "Oh, seeing that his profile picture is black, I thought he wasn't there.

"

Zhan Zhao told Chao Chao and Ma Han his heroic story: "That day I visited Xiaoyao Tower and obtained important information, but I accidentally hit the trap and was seriously injured. I forced myself to take a deep breath and supported myself to Kaifeng Mansion, when suddenly my eyesight went dark. "Ma Han asked with concern: "Have you fainted? Zhan Zhao: "No, Master Bao is coming out." "

Late night. On the way to the crime scene. Sherlock suddenly tugged on John's sleeve: "John, let's kiss too." John was puzzled: "Well, what do you mean we are?" "Look at Gongsun Ce and Master Bao in front." "Obviously there is only Gongsun!" "Watch, John." You see his tongue sticks out and disappears. "

After Gongsun Ce wrote ink, he would habitually lick the tip of the pen, and sometimes his lips would be blackened by the ink. When Zhan Zhao saw it for the first time, he looked strange. "Mr. Gongsun, Zhan has a question. Should I say it or not..." "It doesn't matter if I guard Zhan. "Did you just kiss Mr. Bao?" "

Master Bao explained the details of the murderer's crime clearly, and the murderer had no choice but to nod his head and admit it. Finally, the murderer said: "Sir, I have something unclear. How do you know the details of my crime? "I saw this with my own eyes, but I was powerless to stop it." "Sir, the moon was dark and the wind was high that night, and there was no one around." . . Bao Zheng pointed at his face and said, "You know!" ”

I heard that Zhan Zhao had recently learned to paint, and Gongsun Ce wanted to give him some advice, so he found Zhan Zhao who was practicing hard in the room and saw Zhan Zhao standing in front of the table, staring at the rice paper in front of him. , he walked over and looked at the drawing paper on the table. He saw that the rice paper was completely black, full of traces of alterations, so he said, "Zhan Weiwei, are all these paintings paid for?" "No, no, I'm drawing Mr. Bao." "

In order to meet the needs of foreign guests to appreciate the moon, Bao Zheng was hung up to replace the moon. "Your Majesty, Bao Zheng is also an official of the imperial court..." The Eight Sages begged, "Besides, you should appreciate the full moon when appreciating the moon. The crescent moon in front of Bao Zheng's forehead is nothing more than a crescent moon. ""rational. Song Renzong nodded, "Come here, put Bao Zheng down quickly." "Your Majesty is wise!" "Swell his face a little and then hang him up." ”

The reporter came to a village and interviewed a young lady: “What do you do every day?” "Eat and sleep with soy sauce." Asked the second shota: "What do you do every day?" "Eat and sleep with soy sauce." "... At the end of the question, only one Mr. Bao answered: "Eat and sleep. "

Zhan Zhao caught up with the assassin and captured him with a few moves, then rushed back to Kaifeng Mansion. When Gongsun Ce saw Zhan Zhao, he said, "Guard Zhan, you have been tricked into trying to lure a tiger away from the mountain! Just when you went to hunt down the assassin, another assassin ambushing on the roof immediately entered Mr. Bao's room! Zhan Zhao was startled: "Master Bao, are you okay?" ! Gongsun Ce looked at the dark clouds covering the moon in the sky and said, "Fortunately, Mr. Bao suddenly had the wisdom to take off all his clothes. The assassin thought he was not here and left." ”

An explosion occurred somewhere in Kaifeng, and the fire burned through the entire house, causing heavy casualties. Bao Zheng and his team rushed to the scene of the accident to prepare to investigate the cause. Suddenly, a doctor carrying a medical kit grabbed Bao Zheng After pressing it, he covered his mouth and nose with a cloth. Zhan Zhao was shocked and drew his sword, "How dare you dare to harm Master Bao in front of me, Nan Xia!" The doctor said angrily, "Harm your sister! I didn't see it. This guy was roasted into black coals by the fire!"

1. Due to a business trip, I had to go to a Bank of China somewhere to repair equipment. After I got out of the hotel and got into a taxi, I said to the female driver: " Go to the Bank of China and find a hardware store to buy a knife! At that time, I meant to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I said it wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said aggrievedly: "Brother, I have to get off work. You can take another taxi." I was very angry at that time and said viciously: "Why are you parking your car at the hotel when you get off work!?" The female driver looked at me and said, "Brother, after buying the knife, I don't want the car money. You can find another car." "It's dizzy!" ! ! Only then did I realize that I had made a mistake, so I quickly explained for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel I can’t help the female driver.

2. When the politics teacher was giving a lecture, he once said: "Let me give you an example." Then he felt something was wrong and said again: "Let me give you an example."

3. Remember "Chinese In "Emperor Wu": Zhang Qian came back from the Western Regions and brought new iron-making materials to make a good sword. Liu Che brought it to Li Guang. Li Guang kept repeating: Your Majesty, good sword (cheap), Your Majesty, good sword Sword (cheap)...

4. What a good donkey to be my heart, liver and lungs

5. When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked the translator Who is this man? A classmate translated: Who is this man? man? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.

6. The last time I went to McDonald’s, I told the salesperson: I want a bag of potato chips, but they said they didn’t have any. I said, what kind of store doesn’t even have potato chips? After that, I turned around and left. . .

7. During the midterm exam, the girl behind me had a pants-shaped pencil case on the table. When I turned around, the pencil case fell off. I said: "MM, your pants have fallen off."

8. I remember meeting a dog on the road, and the girl next to me shouted in surprise: Yeah, there’s no dog in that tail! !

9. Too much sunbathing

10. I remember when I was a child, I went to buy round plastic bullets in toy guns. I said directly to the old man in the toy store: buy a pack of plastic bullets. (round) bullet!

11. My classmate explained to me how to make a certain inquiry phone number. I wanted to ask whether the person who answered the phone was a real person or a voice, and I actually said: "Is the person who answered the phone alive or dead?"

12. A beautiful woman got into a car with a camera. When the taxi driver was leaving, he accidentally left his camera on the seat behind him. The driver hurriedly stretched out his head and shouted: "Beauty, your camera~" The beauty blushed and then scolded: "You look like a fucking duck!!!" Later the taxi driver He left, but the beauty chased after him and shouted: "Master, my camera, my camera!"

The Mid-Autumn Moon is round and big

It is like mud on the wall

The Mid-Autumn Festival has a full moon

Lend me ten yuan first

When will the bright moon come out

It will definitely rain or not

The moon will come out Perfection

People have imperfections

I wish you happiness...└(^o^)┘ Y(^_^)Y