Deaf joke

"Excuse me, where is the department store?" A passer-by asked Henry.

"After crossing the bridge ahead, turn right again."

"Is the bridge long?" Passerby asked again

"20 meters."

Passers-by thanked Henry and walked quickly to the bridge.

Suddenly, Henry caught up from behind and panted, "Stop! I just remembered that the bridge is 40 meters long. If you walk 20 meters as I say and then turn right, you will fall into the river! "

In order to attract business, gas stations can get a local map for free for anyone who buys gasoline.

One day, a foreigner drove his car into a gas station. He bought 25 yuan of gasoline and asked for a free map.

The waiter said in deliberate surprise, "What do you need a map for? With the little gasoline you bought, I just need to point out where you are going. "

A campaign car carries Chen Shui-bian's campaign team to the countryside to build momentum. Unfortunately, it overturned on the mountain road. The old farmer who was working in the farmland saw this scene and rushed to the scene of the accident, but everyone in the car died, so he dug a hole and buried several politicians. A few days later, the police in charge of accident investigation found the old farmer and asked him where the politicians had gone. The old farmer said they had been buried, and the police quickly asked, "Are they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, when I buried Chen Shui-bian, I saw him shouting that he was not dead." The policeman said, "Then why did you bury him?" The old farmer said, "You know, this Chen Shui-bian never tells the truth. ...

"Why do you want to fight?" Asked the judge.

"I was chatting quietly with my girlfriend at the phone booth," Xiao Li said.

"At this point, the guy came over. He wanted to make a phone call, but I wouldn't let him, so he kicked me out of the phone booth ... "

"No wonder you lost your temper," the judge thought for a moment.

"That's not all! Xiao Li added, "He also kicked my girlfriend out ..."

An Indian man entered the US Customs and wrote "twice a week" in one column of a form.

Knowing that he had misunderstood, the customs official explained, I asked if you were a man or a woman.

The Indian replied with a smile: anything will do.

The official immediately fainted.

At the dance of an enterprise club, a young male employee reminded his temporary partner, "Don't always stare at that old fool, he is an idiot."

"Isn't he your manager?" The woman asked.

"yes." The man replied.

"Do you know who I am?"

"I don't know yet."

"I am your manager's wife.

"But do you know who I am?" The man asked.

I don't know.

"Oh, thank goodness!"

It is said that an officer asked the orderly to fetch water and drink by the river. The orderly went for a while and soon came back empty-handed: "Sir, there is a crocodile in the river!" " "

The officer said, "Don't be afraid! In fact, crocodiles are afraid to see you, even more afraid than you. "

The orderly said, "Sir, if crocodiles are half as afraid as I am, the river can't be drunk." I'm too scared to pee! ! ! )

When Jim attended the party, he came in with an injured eye. Everyone asked curiously, "What's the matter?"

"When I was wearing pants in the morning, a button on my pants fell off. You know I'm single, and I don't have a needle and thread at home, so I went next door to ask Mrs. Lei for help ... "

"She must have punched you because she thought you wanted to treat her lightly."

"no! Mrs. ray is very kind. She immediately took out a needle and thread to mend it for me, but just as she bent down to bite the thread, Mr. Lei suddenly came back ... "

Handsome Zhong Xin drives a new sports car and takes his girlfriend Xiao Xin to race.

The wind is flying fast on the expressway, and Zhong Xin is very proud. Suddenly, (ㄡㄡ)-bump! Zhongxin's new sports car hit a roadside roadblock and fell into the pit.

When the police arrived at the scene, they were glad to find that Zhongxin was still sitting in the driver's seat because she was wearing a seat belt. However, they immediately saw that Zhong Xin's crotch was covered with blood and kept screaming.

Stop screaming, big brother, it's a good thing you're wearing a seat belt, or you'll probably fly out of the window like the woman next door! You should thank God. ]

[Oooo ... Mr. Policeman,] Zhong Xin said sadly, [Are you kidding? Isn't there something in that woman's hand? ]

A goat went up the hill to eat grass. On the way, I met a herd of cows rushing down. The goat asked strangely, "There are many young grasses on the mountain. What's wrong with you? " Cow panicked. "Do you know that the marketing team of Shanghai Melatonin is here? It's all bullshit, b! ! "The goat thought, I am a goat. Who am I afraid of? ! I walked on, but soon I saw a herd of bulls rushing down the hill in panic. The goat asked incredulously, "What's the matter again? None of your business? " Cow's face is bloodless: "Do you know that the marketing team of Shanghai Melatonin is here?" They are not only bragging about B, but also bragging about eggs! " ! ! " ......

"Dad, can I grow as big as you?"

"Yes, 20 years later."

"At that time, I may not have to ask my mother anything first, so I can do whatever I want?"

"Stop it, son, I haven't grown up to that point."

A woman was having an affair with an adulterer. The alcoholic husband knocked on the door after drinking and hurriedly hid the adulterer in the bathroom. The drunk just went to the bathroom to throw up because he drank too much. When he opened the door, he saw the adulterer standing naked inside. He was furious and said, why the fuck are you in my house? The adulterer quickly said, I'm sorry, big brother. I'm having an affair with that woman upstairs. Her husband came back, so I had to hide in your house. The drunkard thought he was having an affair, so he said, hey! Everyone is a man, it is not easy! So he gave his clothes to the adulterer and drove him out of the house. In the middle of the night, the drunkard woke up and gave his wife a mouth. The wife asked inexplicably: Why did you hit me? The drunkard said angrily, I fucking remembered that we live in a bungalow! ! !

The wife complained to her husband, "honey, you are so outrageous." Every time you see a beautiful woman, you simply forget that you are married! " "The husband immediately replied," Dear wife, you are wrong, on the contrary! "What was my mental state at that time?"

A young man asked the waiter in the hotel, "How much did you tip at most?"

"100 USD."

The young master immediately took out $200 and handed it to the waiter: "Next time someone asks you who gives the most tips, don't forget to mention my name. By the way, who gave you this 100 dollar? "

"You too, sir."

When Chu Fengtou was drinking in a bar, he found a man sitting there for more than an hour with "Wait a minute" in his hand, with anger and melancholy on his face. So he grabbed the wine from the man and drank it, patted the man on the shoulder and said, "Brother, what's bothering you?" I wish I were like this. Don't always pull a long face. I'll buy you another drink today. "Under the comfort of Chu's thunder, the man spoke:" Today is bad luck. I got up late in the morning and missed an important meeting of the company. As a result, I was fired from the company. When I came out, I found my car stolen. Let's take a taxi. I left my wallet in the car. When I got home, I saw my wife fooling around with another man, so I came. What a terrible day! Even the suicide wine is for you. "

"Nice to meet you," the professor casually said to an acquaintance. "How is your husband?" "But I'm not married ..." "Oh, really? That means your husband is still single. "

Xiaohua said to Xiaoying, "I admire you so much! 」

"My composition" Mom "is" Mom is so hard ". Be filial to your mother when you grow up. "

What you wrote is ......

"Mom is so hard. "When I grow up, I want my children to be filial to me ..."

One day, a professor asked his students, "If you had only three days to live, what would you do with it?"

Students compete to answer:

AA: "I want to spend more time with my family these days ..."

BB: "I want to have fun with my girlfriend ..."

CC: "I want to write a will ..."

……

At this time, the professor saw a classmate was silent and asked him, "DD, what about you?" What are you going to do with these three days? "

DD: "Professor, I want to listen to your class ..."

The whole class began to call him a dog's leg, and he would do anything for grades and so on. However, the professor was overjoyed and thought that there were such students who respected teachers and Taoism, so he couldn't help asking him again: "Why?"

He stood up in awe:

"Because listening to your class makes me feel like a year!"

A woman said to her neighbor, "are you going to the concert again?" You know, today's program is still yesterday's program! "

"Yes, I know, but what I want to wear today is not what I wore yesterday."

Mom: "Isn't it shy to fight with your best friend?"

Son: "But he stoned me first, so I stoned him."

Mom: "When he threw stones at you first, you should come back and tell me at once."

Son: "What's the use of that? I play better than you. "

An office worker wants to park temporarily. When he parked his car, he found himself parked on the red line. In order not to be dragged, he wrote a note and clipped it on the window. The content is: "Please! Excuse me, stop! It is a huge sum of one million yuan! "

When he came back, he found the ticket caught in the window and another note that said, "In this case, you won't care if you are fined a few dollars!" " "

A: "Sir, sir! A local charity nursing home will be built. I hope everyone can respond to donations and contribute together! "

B: "OK, but I don't have any cash on me. Then, I will sign a check for you. "

A: "well, sir, I'm sorry, you didn't sign it."

B: "No! If you don't want to be known, I will be anonymous! "

A beggar is begging in the street. At this moment, a passerby came. He looked at the beggar and said, "You are strong and have no disability. Why should I give you money? "

The beggar was furious and said, "Do I have to cripple myself before I can ask you for some stinking money?"

A camp recruits new soldiers. A is the first interview. The examiner asked, "What is 1 plus 1?"

A: "3." "Wrong." "5。" "Wrong." "7。" "Wrong, you go!"

The examiner wrote in the score book: I have no education, but I can improvise and accept it!

B came in for an interview, and the examiner asked, "How much is 1 plus 1?"

"3。" "Wrong." "3。" "Wrong." "3。" "Wrong, you go."

The examiner wrote: I have no education, but I stand firm and accept it!

C was asked this question when he came in. C The firm answer is 2. The examiner wrote: I have a degree, but I am not flexible. I won't accept him!

The ancient Romans were a martial people, and soldiers were proud of being injured in front of their bodies and ashamed of being injured in the back. Once, a soldier showed off the scars on his face in front of the emperor. The emperor said to him, "I see, you must have looked back when you ran for your life."

Teacher: "When do you get up during the summer vacation?"

Boy: "I got up when the first ray of sunshine shone into my window."

Teacher: "Isn't that too early?"

Boy: "Oh, my home faces west."

The doctor treated a patient with bad temper.

"What's the matter with you?" He asked with concern.

"Sir," growled the patient, "since you have received the consultation fee, you can find it yourself."

"I see," the doctor thought for a moment and said, "please give me an hour. I'm going out to find a friend-he's a vet. I know that only this guy can make a diagnosis without asking the patient any questions. "

"I formally warn you that my husband will be back in an hour."

"But I didn't do anything rude."

I know. I mean, if you want to do something, hurry up.

The class teacher is very disappointed. A few days ago, he asked the students to hand in 10 yuan to film graduation photo, a sixth-grade elementary school student, but no one responded. On this day, the teacher said to the students earnestly, "Students, think about how valuable this photo will be in another 30 years." At that time, when you open the photo album, you will proudly say,' This is my classmate Chu, who is now a barrister. This is a congressman, my primary school colleague ... "

At this time, Chu Fengfeng, sitting in the last row, stood up and said, "This is our dead class teacher!" " "

One day, a subway arrived at the station. Because there are not many passengers, I have stopped at the platform for a while, and it seems that I have no intention of leaving. A young lady ran panting from the hall to the platform, just in time. As soon as her foot stepped into the subway, the buzzer of the whole station rang. The lady was startled and quickly withdrew her feet. Only after the buzzer rang three times, the door closed, and the young lady looked innocent and sorry, watching the subway leave. The stationmaster was very surprised and asked the young lady, "Didn't you just get on the bus?"

Miss: "I ... wasn't I overweight just now?"

An old man wrote a letter to God-Dear God: I am coming to the end of my life. The doctor said that I have a terminal illness and only have a few months to live. I have nothing but bad luck in my life. But I always believed you. For the sake of my devotion to you, can you grant me a small request? To prove your existence, please send me 100 USD in cash, and I will die happily.

The letter was sent to the local post office. The postman saw that the address of the letter was "heaven" and the recipient was "God". They all know the old man who wrote this letter. After reading the letter, they had tears in their eyes and were very sympathetic to the old man and decided to donate money to him. They quickly chipped in 90 yuan for the old man. The old man was very happy after receiving the money and immediately wrote a "thank you letter" to "God". The postman received the letter and got together to read it.

Dear God: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet my request. I am very happy now. Attachment: 100 USD. I only received 90 USD. I bet those bastards at the post office swallowed another 10 dollar. ...

A naughty primary school student was reading comics in a comic shop when suddenly a middle-aged mother shouted in the street, "Xiao Ming, you son of a bitch!" " If you don't go home, you're still fooling around. If I catch you, you're dead. "

I saw this student lose his cartoon and run away ... after walking about 50 meters, he panted, "Why should I run away?" I'm not Xiao Ming ... "

Chief Justice: "You have stolen all your life, and you have never earned a dollar aboveboard, have you?"

Thief: "No, there is an exception of one yuan." In the last election, I voted for you and got one yuan. "

A conversation between two friends: "You stupid donkey."

"I may really be an asshole ... the only question is: am I a donkey because I am your friend, or am I your friend because I am a donkey?"

A gentleman often hangs out on BBS.

One day, the gentleman changed his nickname to be quite a girl as soon as he entered the station.

After a while, a greeting from a netizen popped up at the top of the screen, and a question was added: Are you a girl?

The gentleman replied, no, I'm not.

But netizens kept sending messages to interrupt his progress, mostly asking questions about age and hobbies.

The gentleman finally couldn't bear it, and asked the netizen: I have already said that I am not a woman, why should I do this?

Netizen replied: That's what girls answer.

When someone goes to the zoo to see orangutans, they salute the orangutans first, and the orangutans imitate them. When someone bows to an orangutan, the orangutan will imitate. Someone was overjoyed and scratched his eyelids at the gorilla. Unexpectedly, the gorilla did not imitate him, but slapped him. Someone asked the keeper angrily, and the keeper told him that in orangutan language, scraping the eyelids means calling the other person a fool, so the orangutan wanted to hit him. It dawned on sb. The next day, someone went to the zoo for revenge.

He saluted and bowed to the orangutan, and the orangutan also saluted, so he took out a big stick and hit himself on the head and gave it to the orangutan. Unexpectedly, the orangutan did not imitate this time, but scratched his eyelids!

In chemistry class on Friday, the teacher assigned homework.

"Exercise 4, 5, 7, 9, 1 1, 16, 19. Let's do it. "

Suddenly I heard several boys shouting, "Teacher, there is still one question missing. Arrange another one. "

The teacher was overjoyed and thought that we were finally looking forward to the day of active learning. So he smiled and said, "well, add questions 22 and 27."

As soon as the bell rang, all the boys ran to the lottery betting station and said, "Our teacher is really good. Now we even have a special number. "

A woman was embarrassed to give birth in a hospital elevator. The nurse comforted her. "It doesn't matter, it's nothing. Two years ago, a wife gave birth to a child at the doctor's door. " Unexpectedly, the woman began to cry and said, "That lady is also me!" " "

When the mother took her son to the market to buy things, she met an old acquaintance who sold cherries. The old acquaintance asked the child to grab a handful of cherries, but the child hesitated and didn't start work.

"Don't you like cherries?" Asked the old acquaintance.

"Love to eat." The child replied. So the old acquaintance grabbed a handful of cherries and stuffed them into the child's pocket.

On the way home, the mother asked her son, "Why didn't you take the cherry when your uncle asked you just now?"

"Because," the child replied, "his hands are bigger than mine."

A man and a woman are talking about romance and waste in the office.

M: What exactly is romance?

Woman: You have to send her a hundred roses when you know she doesn't love you.

Then what is waste?

Woman: When you know that she loves you, you should send her a hundred roses.

I asked my girlfriend, do you love me?

She said, guess!

I said, love!

She said, guess again!

Me. . . . .

One cold winter, a thief stole a cotton-padded coat. In court, the judge asked him, "Did you have any thoughts when you stole this coat?"

"I thought about it." The thief replied, "I think if I don't get caught this time, I will have a cotton-padded coat to keep warm;" If I get caught this time, I will have a warm house to live in. "

Customer: "Tinea medicine, how much is it?"

Shop assistant: "thirty cents per bottle!" " "

Customer: "How much is a drop?"

Shop assistant: "How can I buy Didi?" At least one bottle. "

Customer: "your advertisement clearly says: just one drop!" " "

A priest taught a young man who had just started a business the skills to deal with some difficult problems. For example, if you find that believers are sleepy, how to make them concentrate. The priest said, "I will suddenly say to them,' Last night, I cheated on another man's wife. When everyone sat up straight and was shocked, I went on to say that that was my dear mother. "The young priest thinks he should try this method. Another Sunday, when most priests were tired, the young priest said loudly, "Do you know that I cheated on someone else's wife last night?" Christians were so surprised that they all stared at him. But the young priest stammered, "Oh, my God! I forgot who she was. "

"Dad, what is' capital' and what is' labor'?"

"Well, if I borrow 100 rubles from my neighbor's house, I will have' capital'. If he wants to get the money back from here, he must' work'. "

Mom: "You are 7 years old and still wet the bed. Aren't you shy? "

Son: "Didn't you say you would do something good for others?"

Mom: "Is it good to wet the bed?"

Son: "Last night, I dreamed that my neighbor was on fire!" "

A salesman is shouting:

"Please buy the latest product-polygraph, regardless of men, women and children, regardless of the good guys and bad guys, the living and the dead. As long as you tell a lie, the light bulb will light up immediately, and you will do your best to be prepared to be cheated ... "He added.

"Hey, sir, you haven't said anything for a long time. What are you thinking? "

"I was thinking, why doesn't the light bulb work? I'll buy it at dawn. " A gentleman replied.

A tall boy and a girl meet for the first time. The girl was overjoyed to see the boy tall and asked the boy, "How tall are you?" ……"

The boy smiled.

The girl blushed when she knew that she had asked the wrong question. I quickly changed my mind. "I mean, how long have you been?"

The boy fainted!

Three people went to the grocery store to buy things. The boss asked the first person, "What do you want to buy?"

The first man said, "I want to buy a bag of peanuts."

The boss moved the marbles and climbed to the warehouse to get him a bag of peanuts.

The boss asked the second man again, "What do you want to buy?"

The second man said, "I want a bag of peanuts."

The boss said, "Why didn't you say so earlier?"

At this time, the boss was a little unhappy, but he still wanted to get it, so he moved the ladder and climbed to the warehouse to get it.

As he climbed, he asked the third man, "Do you want a bag of peanuts, too?"

The third said, "No."

The boss took a bag of peanuts to the second man and put the ladder away.

He asked the third person, "What do you want?"

The third man said, "I want two bags of peanuts."