Tell 20 jokes

Tell 20 jokes. In daily life, whether it's casual chatting, a dinner party on the wine table or a gathering of friends, sometimes I want to tell some jokes to enliven the atmosphere and make others laugh. So how do you tell them so that you can easily catch the audience? Let's see how to tell 20 jokes.

Tell 20 jokes 1

1. Yesterday, a buddy and I went shopping in the supermarket. No sooner had I entered than I saw two monks in robes come in. I pushed the shopping cart and started to get something. I bought a cart at one go. I looked at my buddy and said, "Being a monk means having money! Look how rich you are! " Then I only saw them go to the cashier. The waiter asked them whether they would pay by credit card or cash. A monk came forward and said, "benefactor, Amitabha, the poor monk is here for alms ..."

I remember once buying a kind of fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze when he was at the scene.

3. Once I booked a hotel for my boss, I wanted to ask if there were any services such as free internet access, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked him, "Do you have any special services here?" The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! " -__-! ! ! !

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! Laughing all over! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

5, the bar was drunk, picked up the phone and opened the phone book. Looking at these strange names, I don't know who to call. I suddenly felt that I was a failure and couldn't help crying all night. The next morning, I found that the mobile phone was not my own.

When asked if the beautiful woman has a boyfriend, she replied "I won't tell you". What does that mean? God replied: it means "if you dare to confess, I dare not."

7. I heard from my classmates that once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins and told her boss: a pack of sanitary napkins. The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food? Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. ...

8. I once liked a girl who studied medicine and took classes with her. I didn't know whether the teacher was convulsing or not that day, so I began to talk about how to take medicine to make my husband die suddenly for unknown reasons. Eat for six months, 1 year,1year. Looking at her bright eyes and taking notes carefully, I made up my mind to be good friends with her.

9. When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I'll get you out!"

10, a farmer's daughter was so ugly that she had to be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.

1 1. Our general manager's surname is Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

12, everyone's heart is full of demons. Learn to control him. The devil may be greedy, desperate or angry. But in any case, to control him, all successful people in this world are trying to control the devil inside him.

13. When my friend got married, the host invited me to the stage and said, "Today is your good brother wedding date. Why don't you say something? " I am a little excited: "Then order sweet and sour carp and braised pork ribs."

14, two birds saw a hunter aiming at them, and one said, you protect the scene, I will call the police!

15, two drunks are driving. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. " B: "What? Aren't you driving? "

16, when we were in college, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost and Beckham took two yellow plates!" "

17, it's the first time for a person to sell popsicles in the market. I'm sorry to sell them. A man next to him was shouting "selling popsicles", so he had to shout "me too."

18, the chicken grew up in a poor family and couldn't afford meat, so she raised an earthworm, cut a little every day and cooked it. In short, it will grow in a few days. Later, in order to match the vegetarian diet, it planted some leeks. Ultraman

19, the first day of school, I feel a little excited. Am I sleeping? Or listen to music? Still playing with your mobile phone? Or eat snacks? What a struggle! ! !

20. Xiaoming and Xiaohua went to the zoo to play. When they entered the door, Xiao Ming pointed to Xiaohua and said to the doorman, "Look clearly! Come out later, don't say I stole your monkey! "

Tell 20 jokes 2 1. Some people play cards every day and always come home at midnight.

Once, his wife said to him bitterly, "I warn you, if you do this again, I will take that man home to sleep!" " "

"Whatever you are! But I also warn you not to take my card friend away. "

The wife suspected that her husband was having an affair, so she asked a detective to follow her. The detective finally discovered the truth. He reported to her, "Your husband went to the beauty salon, fashion shop and ballroom this afternoon."

"He must have misbehaved …" she said.

"no! He is following you. " He replied.

One day, little Lise saw a short man staring at a hedgehog curled up on the side of the road in a daze.

"What are you studying?" The little god asked curiously.

"I am thinking that if the hedgehog gene is transferred to me, my wife will not dare to bully me in the future." The man said with a face of helplessness.

In a village, when they heard that a mountain thief was coming, the villagers hid all the young women in the cellar. A young woman was shivering and looking around when she suddenly found an old lady in her sixties and seventies.

So she said to the old lady, "old lady, you don't have to hide here!" " "The old lady replied angrily," how do you talk? There are old people among mountain thieves! "

The wife brought back a dog, and she decided to give it the same name as her husband. Faced with the notoriously fierce wife, the husband dared to be angry but didn't dare to speak, so he had to be passive with Nuo Nuo and said to Nuo Nuo, "Dear, can you think about it? It's not good for you to let this puppy have the same name as me, and you will often make mistakes in the future ... "

The fierce wife said, "No, you just need to pay attention to my tone. When I call a dog, my voice will be very gentle. "

6. Wife: Honey, do you remember last December when you said that you and Lao Wang went fishing for carp?

Husband: Of course I remember ... Why?

Wife: A carp called at noon today and said you were a father.

7. On the morning of New Year's Day, the wife suggested to her husband, "Starting today, the New Year must have a new atmosphere and respect each other. I will get rid of the bad habit of swearing, and you will get rid of the habit of hitting people easily, okay? "

The husband said yes again and again, and finally added: "From now on, if you curse again, I will beat you flat!" " "

The wife roared: "you are a fairy, I think you dare xxx!" " "

At the dance, a lady kept staring at a man not far from her.

The man felt a little embarrassed and decided to ask. He asked her politely if they had met somewhere before.

"We have never met." She also replied politely, "But you look like my third husband."

"Have you ever been married three times?" He asked:

"no! I have only been married twice. " She answered.

9. A man has a first wife and a second wife. At the age of 60, my hair has turned a lot gray, and I let my first wife and my second wife pull it out every day. But the first wife hated his little white hair and was afraid that the second wife would touch the old man to death, so she deliberately pulled out all the black hair;

The little wife wanted him to look younger, so she pulled out all her white hair. Within a month, the man was bald.

10. Wang became the general manager of the company by his wife's nepotism. One day, he and his wife went to visit a construction site. Suddenly, a worker wearing a helmet greeted him and jokingly said to his wife, "Mrs. General Manager, do you still remember me?" We used to date a lot! "

After returning home, Wang teased his wife and said, "Marrying me was a blessing in your last life! Otherwise, you are already the wife of a construction worker, not the wife of the general manager. "

The wife replied: "Husband! Don't flatter yourself. If I hadn't married you, he would have become the general manager of this company. "

1 1. One day, a man came home and found his wife and another man hugging in bed. He flew into a rage, picked up a gun from one place and killed his wife. Then he ran to the nearby police station and surrendered himself.

During the trial, the judge asked him, "Why didn't you kill her lover and kill your wife?"

"I killed her, but she was alone." The man explained, "If I don't kill her, I'm afraid I'll kill many others from time to time."

12. A white couple got married for many years and finally had a child. But at birth, the child's skin turned out to be black.

The husband blamed his wife and said, "It's all your fault. Turn off the lights every time you sleep. "

13. A beautiful young girl married an old man, and everyone felt sorry for her.

A friend asked her, "Why did you marry a bad old man who was dying?"

She asked with a smile, "If someone gives you a check of more than one million yuan, can you not care about its cash date?"

14. A pair of boys and girls are talking.

Boy: What will happen to you if I lean on you tightly?

Girl: I will resist!

Boy: What would you do if I put my hand on your waist?

Girl: Of course I will resist!

Boy: What would you do if I wanted to kiss you?

Girl: Of course ... I will fight again!

Boy: If I ...

Girl: Are you finished? Don't you understand that a woman's strength is limited after all?

15. A policeman was patrolling at night and found a drunk crying against a telephone pole. He felt very strange and asked, "What's the matter, sir?"

The drunk cried and said, "Oh! Who are you ... please just in time ... please do something for me ... because my urine ... keeps flowing ... "

The police then took a look. It was found that the tap water next to the telephone pole was not turned on normally.

16. Male 1: "My wife and I are the most democratic. If my opinion is the same as hers, she will obey me. " If not, then I will obey her. "

Man 2: "My wife and I are the most equal. I usually take care of things at home, and she takes care of dogs and me. "

Man 3: "Hey! I'm different. I am a male chauvinist, but I am in charge of all the big things in my family, and she is in charge of the small things. But fortunately, after so many years of marriage, there has not been a major event at home! "

17. A lady was married for less than three years and her husband died of a serious illness. She was still in pain when dealing with the funeral.

There was once a man who had a crush on her and is still single. When he learned that her husband was gone, he felt that the opportunity had come.

On this day, I found out her home phone number and quickly dialed: "Hello! You are ... I'm sorry for your loss. You think about it ... can you let me marry you, this ... "

The woman said angrily, "Are you overwhelmed by something? ! "

The man was surprised and said, "Hey! Is this the condition for me to marry you? "

18. The wayward and unruly elder sister is finally getting married. The prospective son-in-law went to visit his future parents-in-law. The bride's father looked anxiously at her future son-in-law and said, "After marriage, you must ..."

The future son-in-law immediately said, "I see, I will take good care of her after marriage!" " As a result, the bride's father shook his head and said, "I mean, after marriage … you must … take good care of yourself!" " "

19. Watch horror movies with your girlfriends at night and walk home. After passing an old hospital, I wanted to scare my best friend and pointed to the door of the hospital and said, "Did you see the woman in white?" The girlfriend immediately became nervous: "Is what my grandmother said true?" I was a little scared when she said this: "What did your grandmother say?" Girlfriend: "Dogs can see things that humans can't!" "

20. My girlfriend asked me, "Will you hate me if we break up?" I said no, and she immediately slapped me: "You really want to break up. You should answer that I never wanted to break up with you. " I cried and nodded. . .