What happened to the children who never got their father's love on Father's Day?

You gave me life, but you love me miserly ...

? It is said that this Sunday is Father's Day. In the circle of friends, QQ space and Weibo, I am grateful for my father's love everywhere.

? But, what does this have to do with me?

? Is it a sigh, a sigh, or self-pity?

? No, it's an unspeakable pain in my heart. It's the tearing of the scar that is about to form an old scab. It's a sensitive topic not to mention to me. It's a life goal that I've been trying to get over.

? Some fathers love great mountains, some fathers love obscurity, but some fathers don't deserve to be called fathers. ?

? I have seen how other people's fathers love their children since I was a child. I don't know how many times I envy other people's domineering fathers and fantasize that I will be loved by my father one day. However, the reality is that I will always be the child who is not recognized and disliked by my father.

? ? Memories

Try to go back to the past calmly and narrate indifferently.

? I began to remind myself from the beginning, and those few fragments of memories were like a huge whirlpool, dragging me down and down ...

? In my childhood, children were still silly, unlike children who are generally precocious and smart now. I can remember not many childhood stories, only impressive things, and I still remember some.

? I was born in rural Sichuan. I have never seen my grandparents, even my mother, since I was born. They died before that. My mother-in-law gave birth to eight children, seven sons and one daughter, and my father ranked fourth. After the two old men passed away, the unmarried brother was given care of by the eldest brother, the third brother and the fourth brother. Because at that time, people around us were generally poor, and because of the large family with too many children, our lives were even more difficult.

? Probably the dream of young people is in the distance! Although my father didn't go to school much, he had a flexible mind. He taught himself to write and cook, and even cooked a good meal. He went to Wuhan office in Beijing in 198s and became a chef with a work permit. Life is getting better, at least compared with the neighbors. My mother later took me to live in Beijing for a while.

? But the outside world is wonderful, and the temptation outside is helpless. He felt that he was charming, and his heart swelled again. He began to have an affair with other women.

? I remember my youngest memory, about three years old, climbing several floors in the dormitory of the unit. That day, he asked me, "jx, shall I find you a new mother?" I don't know how I said that angrily when I was young: "I don't want it." If you find it, I will wait for you to fall asleep at night and throw you into the river. " Maybe I was born with a bad mouth, and he didn't like me.

? Mother and he often quarrel, and I don't know why. I just often watch my mother cry, and I don't know how to comfort her, but I know that all this has something to do with him, and my resentment against him is one more point.

? Later, my mother took me back to my hometown to go to school. They have lived a long life of separation. At that time, the only way to contact was to write a letter and send a telegram to the post office when something very important and urgent happened. He will send a letter every once in a while to remit some living expenses. My mother did a lot of farm work, taking care of me and doing housework at the same time.

? Poverty tests everyone and challenges the weakness of human nature. At that time, I lived in the countryside, because my mother was the only woman with a child, my father was not at home all the year round, and families without men were always bullied. The people who bully you include the brothers and sisters-in-law of Dad's big family. Just for the sake of who owns a fruit tree? Who can share one more side of a piece of land? Or simply from the jealousy of women.

? My mother was beautiful when she was young, and having lived in Beijing, some clothes brought back from outside seemed more foreign when she got home, but she didn't expect it to arouse some women's dissatisfaction. My mother is also a good cook when she goes home to do farm work. The crops grow well and attract others' depression. I don't know why, maybe this is the small peasant class, and their happiness and pain are so narrow.

? Dad will come home suddenly one day of the year, but I feel at a loss. When he didn't come home, I missed a man named Dad many times, imagining that he would bring me many gifts and that his coming home would satisfy my unfulfilled wishes. But when he did come back, I was afraid. My feelings for him at that time were both expectation and fear.

I wonder if those snacks in his bag are for me? He never said. But after all, he was a child. He couldn't help but be curious and greedy. He secretly opened his bag, saw the delicious food, ate a few mouthfuls like a thief and quietly put it back. I remember that instant noodles and chocolate were the most delicious. The way to eat instant noodles is to crush them through a bag, sprinkle them with seasoning bags and mix them evenly to make them crispy noodles.

? He always talks to me in a fierce tone. Whenever I have fun with the children in the yard, he always calls me home to teach me a lesson. He asked me to burn firewood for cooking, so I read the extracurricular books borrowed from my classmates while adding firewood, but he threw my books into the stove angrily. He always seems to think that I am playful and lazy.

? But I didn't go to kindergarten for a day, but I was taught by my mother that I could count to 1 at an early age and recite Tang poems. Successfully passed the entrance test and was admitted to the first grade by the school as an exception. Primary school often takes the first place in the exam, and ranks firmly as a study Committee member every year, and is rated as a three-good student. Although the mud house at home is small and shabby, one wall is covered with my various awards. The stationery distributed every year is completely enough for my daily use. Even so, I have never heard a compliment from him, and I can't see a trace of pride in his eyes.

? Once, I remember my cousin came to my house to play, and my mother was combing my hair. My cousin praised me for being well dressed, but he said coldly that he thought I was ugly. Does he know how old I was at that time?

? Once, the teacher asked us to buy a Chinese dictionary, saying that it was only available in the city. I have never been to the city, so I am still looking forward to it. One day he said he was going to the city to do something, so I told him about it, hoping he could take me to the city. However, he refused me and said, "What do children run around for a day?" I had to describe the book I wanted in detail, but what he bought home was not the one I wanted at all.

? There are more and more quarrels between his mother and him. He always uses his money to help his brother unconditionally, even though we were living in a shabby house and eating bad food. Maybe this is the difference between men and women. After marriage, men's world has not changed, even more exciting. He has brothers in his heart and enchanting wild flowers outside. Women, on the other hand, are devoted to their own family and children. For these reasons, my mother has been suspicious and forbearing until one day it is unbearable. He felt that his mother could not leave him and dared not break up. However, my mother insisted on getting a divorce that day. That year, I was in grade three of primary school. I remember in court the judge asked me who I would like to be with. I said I want my mother. I remember that when he came back, he was in a good mood and told my mother to have a farewell dinner. My mother refused.

? Since then, my mother and I have lived together. What I can do when I am young is to study hard, get good grades and become my mother's pride. Go home and do some housework as much as you can. We still live in that shabby home, and he went back to Beijing. People around us know that mom is divorced, and they are even more unscrupulous to find trouble with us. They laughed at my mother and said that all the eight brothers had sons, but my mother gave birth to a daughter. And some elders speculated that my father might also prefer boys to girls, so he didn't like me. I only remember one time, he discussed with his family to renovate the ancestral temple and got back his family name and genealogy. I wanted to see it out of curiosity, so he said, "What is there to see in a girl's family?"

? My mother is getting stronger and stronger, and only I know that her strength is forced. Those people in the countryside just bully the weak and fear the hard. If you make yourself an ass, don't complain if people ride you. Of course, there are also some kind villagers who have given us a lot of help, and I have always been grateful.

? He will still write back occasionally and send some alimony. Then I gradually lost contact, and I haven't heard from you for many years. Since then, he has faded out of my world and seems to have never seen it. Some people say that he changed a different woman outside, and later married a woman and gave birth to a son. I don't know if it's true or not.

? Maybe the days are too hard. When I was in Grade One, my mother chose to remarry. I was also in adolescence, when I was really sensitive and introverted. I don't live in harmony with my uncle. I think he loves to make things difficult for me. I don't like him very much. But I have to endure for my mother, as long as she is happy. But the beginning of life was very bad, and my mother was often in a dilemma when we were in conflict. I often have the urge to run away from home. How many nights have I been wronged, climbing on the roof and crying silently, wanting to leave home far away, even thinking of death … but reason has overcome me, and my mother has to guard me. I only have a heart-to-heart talk with my diary when I meet something.

? Time can heal everything, and time also makes me mature. Even though there are thousands of bad things, I also learn to be considerate of my uncle. After all, he is not a biological father, and the requirements cannot be too high. At least he didn't want his own children later, and others said it was not easy to do so. With the running-in of time, we have gradually become family members who support and care for each other.

? Four or five years have passed, and I haven't heard from my father. I have never felt my father's love, but I have seen how my classmates, friends and sisters' fathers love their children. They are either tall and sunny, talking and laughing, or they are wise, loving and gentle. They will send umbrellas to their children when it rains, they will come anxiously when their children are ill, they will worry about their health and prepare food for them, and they will persistently take them home on the night when their children study by themselves next night. I am always given a lift by someone else's father kindly, and then I witness the intimate interaction between other children and their father. God knows what I felt at that time, both envious and sad.

? Mom hates him because he ruined her life and gave her too much pain and tears. I was always sick when I was young, and I always had a fever at night. My home is far from the hospital, and I have to walk at night. There are many graves on the passing hillside, and my mother is a person who is very afraid of the dead. Whenever she is too scared at this time, she has the cheek to knock others for help, even if she is accompanying her. So my mother has been carrying me to the hospital to take care of me. But all this time, where is that man? Most of the money he earned was used to help his brother's life and the ambiguous women outside. There is little subsidy for the family. Even after the divorce, the alimony awarded to me was never given again with the disappearance, and my mother didn't want to take legal channels. Just bite your teeth and keep working hard. Grow crops, raise pigs and chickens.

? But at that time, I had only hatred for my father, not hatred. Although I never dared to say that to my mother.

? Time is wonderful, and the thoughts of every age group will change. In those few years without him, I also had my own girlish mind, and there would be some troubles belonging to teenagers. Whenever this time, I will miss that distant father. Make him a hero who will appear whenever I need him. I hinted that he still missed me in his heart. After all, I was his daughter, and he would come to me one day and ask for my forgiveness. Then we play happily together.

? The whole junior high school students lived until the first year of high school. I received a phone call from him in the dormitory, and my heart was excited. I thought he would always care about everything about me, but he just told me how bad he was. He said he had high blood pressure. He said he would come to see me, and I really began to be full of hope. As a high school girl, I am at the age of flower season and rainy season, and I began to have some desire to love beauty. I imagine that my father, who has never given me spiritual love, will satisfy my material needs because of guilt. But after this call, he disappeared again.

? In the blink of an eye, the learning atmosphere of the school is getting heavier and heavier, and my partiality phenomenon is particularly obvious. Looking at the students who are struggling and the parents who care about their children, and then looking at their loneliness, I am really anxious. I want to move out of the dormitory and concentrate on reviewing, but my mother says she has no money to rent a house. I want to find a teacher to tutor my weaknesses, but this is just an illusion. I look too ordinary in the excellent fast class. In the intense study, no one will care about the girl who is not loved by my father. Who cares about her grades? Who cares about her future?

? In that senior year, his phone rang again, and this time he said he would come to see me in a few days. I actually took it seriously. After hanging up the phone, I cried for a long time. I am still very excited to tell my roommate about this. I don't know if they still remember it, but I do remember it clearly. I thought to myself at that time that if he really came to see me at school, I would forgive him for everything before, just once. I will really forgive him. However, he lied to me, he didn't come, he just disappeared again.

? I'm 18 years old, but his promise to me has turned into cheating. It's a good adult gift. Since then, my heart has been tied with a knot.

? In 28, I didn't go to college, but I went to a factory as a female worker, although I was a child with good grades and good literary talent in the eyes of teachers and classmates from childhood. Although I also have dreams, although I really want to go to college. Subjective and objective reasons, the reality is that I didn't study or learn a skill, but just went out to work like young people in ordinary small places. That year, Sichuan earthquake, received his phone call, and three years passed. I looked at the strange number of my mobile phone, and then I heard the strange voice of an elderly man. I thought it was a harassing call and asked who you were. He said to me smugly, "I'm your father, and you can't even recognize my voice."

? I am very angry, a man who has disappeared for three years, and where is he at the most helpless and critical time in my life? After all these years, does he remember that I need him and I need love, but he thinks I will wait for him in the same place. I should remember his voice, his appearance and everything about him. But in fact, I don't remember his face or his voice. He is the father I look forward to, and that's the word I never want to call again. He never participated in my growth, and now I am an adult.

? I said, "Why should I remember your voice?" He said, "Why do you talk to me in this tone?" Without saying a few words, we broke up in discord.

? In 213, a few days before my wedding, my family were preparing for my wedding. I heard that he returned to his hometown city after the earthquake, and some people said that he had met him. He chatted with people and said that he had been cheated by women. Then he said that he became a monk in a temple. It's been five years, and he will see me from the future. I heard that he and his brother and sister-in-law have met, giving gifts and contributing. He is in contact with his brothers, but his mother says they are all trying to keep it from us. I don't understand why.

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