Who has a collection of barracks jokes?

On Sunday, in the barracks, the lieutenant company commander told all the soldiers, "Anyone who wants to go into the city.

Everyone should be dressed neatly. I want to check it myself. "

Fred, the recruit, is going out. He was the first to see the lieutenant, Captain One.

Look up and say, "Your hair is too long. Come to me when you have finished cutting. "

Fred went to the barber shop and found it crowded with people. It was his turn to wait for a long time.

He had a brainwave and immediately went back to the barracks to shine his shoes and went to see the lieutenant.

"Report, Lieutenant," Fred held his head high. "Look, my leather shoes.

Did you polish it? "

"Well, it's much brighter than before." The captain stayed for three seconds before answering, "You can do it now.

So I'm in town, but remember, the next time you go out, you should polish your shoes first and then come to see me. "

Army training

Mother came to visit her son who just joined the army and asked her if the training in the army was strict.

The son said, "Do you remember Walker who joined the army with me? In class, he

Dead, we have to hold him up until the instructor's class is over, so that he can fall down! "

Face test

Officer: "one dark night, you were out on a mission, and suddenly someone hugged your arm tightly." What did you say? "

Applicant: "Honey, let me go."

make a vow

American troops are not allowed to play cards on duty. But after dark, three veterans-a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew-played in secret. As a result, the ammunition was lost and the defendant went to headquarters.

Catholics said, "I swear to the virgin Mary, I didn't play cards!" " "

Protestants also swore to Martin Luther that he would not play.

Finally, it was the turn of the Jews. He couldn't remember who he swore to, so he had a brainwave and said, "General, can I play cards alone?"

Higher honor

A new colonel, wearing his new military uniform, was reviewing the troops, and a recruit came: "Hey, young man, look up, even if you listen to the big shots." Ok, now you can shake my hand.

So you can write and tell your father that you have shaken hands with the colonel. Your father will be proud of you. But by the way, what does your father do? "

"A general, sir."

order

A young officer was appointed as the adjutant of his father, who was an outstanding general. In a military exercise, the adjutant replied to an old colonel's order: "My father ordered you to lead the whole regiment to occupy the 402 highland as soon as possible."

The old colonel fought back a smile and asked, "What did your mother say?"

Uneven queue

The soldiers have been listening to the officer's orders and practicing back and forth in the square for an hour. They were tired, hot and very angry.

They were marching towards a building, when they suddenly realized that the officers didn't leave enough time to give the password to turn around or stay put, so they were going to hit the wall. The soldiers smiled happily because everyone in the front row decided to go straight at the same time. They bumped into the wall one by one, making a loud noise.

But before they could laugh, the officer shouted, "If you are really in a straight line, I will only hear you hit the wall!" " "

Imitation photo

There is a man in the air force. He has a very beautiful wife. Every morning, her husband leaves home for the airport. 1 hour later, my wife left home with a pure white scarf and went for a walk by the sea. Her husband's plane passes by here every day. Seeing her husband's plane, she held the white scarf high and waved it. When her husband sees it, he will lower the left or right wing of the plane. Lowering the left wing said: I am very busy today and can't go home; In eight hours, I will hold you in my arms.

One day, the man flew with eight other pilots. When he saw his wife, he put down his right wing. The other eight planes somehow dropped to the right wing.

set an example

In the live-fire shooting training, a soldier missed the target several times in a row. The instructor angrily grabbed the soldier's gun and said with an expression, "Idiot! Look at me. "

He aimed at shooting, but the bullet flew out of the target. He turned to the soldier angrily and shouted, "Look, that's how you shot!" " "

Broadcast jamming war

194 1 Berlin, due to frequent air strikes by the British air force, Nazi radio stations had to turn off their lights and broadcast in the dark.

One day, when a German announcer announced: "The Soviet Red Army is losing ground to the east of the Dnieper River." Suddenly, a mysterious voice was inserted into the radio: "Lies! Shameful lies! " The German announcer paused and continued: "The Germans have won a new victory." Mysterious voice inserted again:

"In the grave!" So every time a German announcer reads a piece of news, he can hear a sarcastic narration, which makes the German announcer both frightened and puzzled.

Since then, this mysterious voice has appeared every day. As long as the German announcer says, "Now report the news."

The voice said, "Now start lying." The German announcer said, "The German bombers are fighting again now." The voice said, "Do you still have bombers?" The German announcer said, "The news report is over." The voice said, "But the lie will continue tomorrow."

One night, the mysterious voice perfectly imitated the roar of Nazi head of state Hitler:

"I am the greatest German for centuries and even 1000 years. I am also the biggest mouth in the history of the world. " This made Nazi Germany very angry. They tried to avoid interference in various ways, but the mysterious voice was always waiting for the German announcer. Finally, Nazi Germany had to cancel the news and play music programs instead. However, this kind of sarcastic narration began to take the initiative and constantly appeared in music.

So where did this mysterious voice come from? It turned out to be Nozinsk from the Soviet Union. At that time, Soviet technicians had found a way to adjust the frequency of their own radio waves to the frequency of German radio stations, thus inserting a narration between German announcers.

captain

The navy commander inspected a built ship. When he went to the sailor's cabin, the captain told him that it was a cabin for 50 sailors.

The commander of the navy was surprised: "There are 50 people living in such a small place?"

The captain quickly explained, "Not 50 people, but 50 sailors."

Go back and refuel

Two pilots ran out of the mental hospital and sneaked away by plane. Suddenly, a pilot shouted, "There is no gasoline! What should we do? " "What's the matter?" Another unhurriedly said:

"Why don't we just drive back and add some?"

tankman

Two tank men are talking about some recent anecdotes.

"Joe, do you remember the way the commander threw a book at a soldier for a trivial matter? There is nothing else to say. All the soldiers who were embarrassed by this were because they didn't knock at the door when they entered the headquarters office. "

"This is true, but they have fully fulfilled this obligation in the tank mine."

utterly destroy

During World War II, a senior German officer once asked a Swiss officer, "How many of you can fight?"

"500,000."

"What would you do if I sent 6.5438+0 million troops into your country?"

"Then we have to shoot twice each."

"Thought I was a colonel."

The captain said to a drunken soldier, "Why are you drinking again?" Schmidt. If you don't drink, you will be promoted to sergeant. "But, Captain, when I am drunk, I feel like a colonel! "

A hundred girls

Last time, I talked about the squadron leader, and this time I will be the captain of our Kan Kan area. The district captain is from rural Hebei, and he is very simple. In the military academy, all our words and deeds must abide by all rules and regulations. According to the regulations, the squadron has a notebook to record the non-team members who come to the team.

One day, a citizen came to our district captain. Then, the service staff wrote down:

X year 10 month, a citizen came to see the captain of the second district. ...

In the afternoon, while the whole squadron was waiting outside the door to go out, a student in the ball department accidentally picked up a notebook, which read: X month X day, 100 girls came to see the captain of the second district.

The captain of our district hasn't shut up for three minutes. Naturally, we ...

The air force passed through the minefield.

As the battle was coming to an end, an air force officer was summoned to the headquarters for a meeting to discuss the final military action. As the car approached Strommel, a wooden sign stopped him and said, "Road blocked-there are mines." A gendarme is on duty there. He shouted to the air force officer's car, "Sorry, you can't go there. There is a minefield ahead." The air force officer got off the bus and hoped that the gendarmerie would show him another way. At this time, the military police obviously noticed his uniform, so they took a step back and said, "I'm very sorry, sir, I didn't know you were an air force." For you, passing through here is foolproof. "

Japanese masturbation team is in Iraq

Japanese masturbation team is in Iraq

Soldier: Sir, why do we have to put plasters all over our bodies?

Sir: Idiot, when the rebels saw that we were covered with plasters, they thought we were all wounded soldiers. We have been bombed, so they won't bomb us again.

Soldier: Why are our bulletproof vests like tortoise shells?

Officer: Bastard! We are the sons of the tortoise. Besides, will Iraqis attack injured animals?

Penalty imprisonment

Because alcoholic beverages are prohibited on warships, some soldiers with good wine can only drink them secretly in restaurants.

One day, while the soldiers were drinking, they suddenly heard someone coming to the restaurant, and the footsteps were getting closer and closer. So the soldiers immediately hid all the bottles on the table.

"Hello, Captain!" He is a second lieutenant and the soldiers greet him.

The second lieutenant found the bottle from under the table. He is the one who saw the wine die. He picked up the bottle and wanted to drink. Unexpectedly, when the ship's duty officer walked into the restaurant, the bottle had been delivered to his mouth. The second lieutenant immediately broke the silence of the restaurant: "It's true, it's really wine, so you are all grounded!" "

Acid soldier John

One day, the CEO called John's company for a meeting and said to everyone seriously, "Boys, in order to improve your foreign language level, our company decided that from now on, everyone should give themselves a Japanese name." After the date was rejected, I thought hard for a long time and finally realized that Japanese names usually have five words, so I named them Taijiro, a foreign language.

Ordinary soldiers

A soldier decided to leave the army and told his officer what he thought.

The officer asked him, "Are you married?"

The private said, "Not yet, sir, but engaged."

"In my opinion, you don't need to get married." Sir wants to change the soldiers' minds. "The troops are yours.

Wife. She gives you clothes, food and a house to keep your body healthy forever.

Stay with you. What more can you ask for? "

"Want a divorce, sir!"