Tell a joke to your girlfriend, and say some simple jokes.

Peel onions

Daming just got married. One night, my wife was busy cooking dinner in the kitchen. Daming wants to help his wife do some housework for consideration. So he said to his dear wife, honey, what can I do for you?

The wife said, You are all thumbs. Peel the onions if you find something simple.

Daming thinks it's very simple. But soon after peeling, Daming was choked to tears. I thought it was not that simple, and I was too embarrassed to ask my wife, so I had to call my mother for help.

Mom said: this is very tolerant and can be peeled in water.

Daming then completed his wife's task according to his mother's method, and he was very happy.

The next day, Daming called his mother and said, Mom, your method is really good, but it's very good, but the only fly in the ointment is that you have to breathe often and are very tired.

A stutterer

A stutterer went to buy a drink and found that he only had fifteen yuan on him, so he asked his boss how much Coca-Cola was.

Stuttering: old ... old ... old ... old ... a board ... a bottle ... a bottle of coke.

The boss was so sad that he helped him with a bottle of Coca-Cola before he finished.

Stammer: How much ... How much ... (I think I finally finished)

Boss: eighteen dollars.

Stuttering: buy … buy … buy … buy … buy.

The boss was so sad that he opened it for him before he finished.

Stammer: I can't afford to buy ... buy ... buy.

The boss had to drink the bottle of coke by himself.

(mythical god) descended to earth

This is a true story that happened in the dormitory of senior year: Brother Fage made a new girlfriend, and everyone praised how beautiful his girlfriend was. One day, Brother Fage sat at his desk alone, looked at his girlfriend's photo with envy and said, "It's like a fairy coming down to earth". His roommate was curious for a moment and couldn't help but want to borrow photos to see the fairy who came to the world, ready to "surprise"; As a result, there was only one question after reading it: "When you came to earth as a fairy, did you land on your face first?"

What's your name?

It is said that a shy little boy has a crush on a beautiful and elegant woman. Shy, he secretly observed her ecology every day and finally found a cycle-she had to go to the noodle restaurant to eat noodles one day a week. He felt that the time was ripe, so one day he waited for her at the noodle restaurant first. When she walked into the shop and sat down, he took a deep breath and strode forward to ask her name. He said, "Miss, what's your name?" The young lady opened her eyes wide and said to him, "My name is beef noodles."

answer

Dentist (examining the patient's mouth): "There is a big hole in your tooth! There is a big hole. "

Patient (unhappily): "There is a hole, but it goes without saying twice."

Dentist: "I only said it once." That's an echo, an echo. "

taxi

A taxi driver was driving very fast, and the passengers in the car were afraid, so he was asked to drive slowly. The driver said, "Come on! My eldest brother drives a taxi like this. It has been open for more than ten years and nothing has happened. " Then the taxi competes with the person driving the sports car next to it. The passenger was very scared and asked him not to race with others. The driver said, "Come on! This is how my eldest brother drives a taxi. He has been driving for more than ten years, and it's nothing. " Later, the driver ran the red light again and again, and the passengers were very scared. He told him not to run the red light again. The driver said, "Come on! My eldest brother drives a taxi like this. It has been open for more than ten years and nothing has happened. " Suddenly, I came to a crossroads with a green light in front. The driver braked suddenly and stopped. The passenger asked curiously, "Why stop now?" The driver said awkwardly, "No, I'm just afraid that my big brother will run a red light."

rescue

Neighbor: Is there something wrong with the car? Tommy: Yes, I bought a valve that saves 30% fuel, a carburetor that saves 40% fuel, and a set of spark plugs that save 50% fuel. Neighbor: What was the result? Tommy: Twenty kilometers later, the oil in the tank overflowed!

Qi Guohe

The thief stole a chicken and was plucking its hair by the river when a policeman came. The thief hurriedly put the chicken into the river. The policeman asked, "What are you doing? What's in the river? " The thief said, "That's a chicken. It is going to cross the river. I'm here to look after his clothes. "

division of labour

Lao Li sat in front of his house to enjoy the cool air and watched the highway pass through the fields in the village. It was spectacular. After a while, he saw a car coming, stopped at the side of the road, got off a man, dug a hole on the side of the road, and then returned to the car. After a while, another man got off the bus and filled in the hole again. The car went on for a while, and the man came down and dug a hole. After a while, another person filled in the hole. In this way, every time the car goes, it will dig again, take a break and fill the pit. Lao Li is very confused. He couldn't help running over and asking, "What are you doing?" Two workers replied, "The three of us are making a plan to green the expressway. The person in charge of planting trees today is ill! " "

cry

An elephant died in the zoo, and a keeper was crying. The tourist said that he must like this elephant very much on weekdays, so he couldn't bear to die.

An insider said, "No, he is responsible for digging graves for elephants."

attentive

The shark looked at a windsurfer and said, "That's very thoughtful. There is breakfast, plates and napkins. "

God bless (you)

The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse can only understand the language of the church: run when it is called' Thank God' and stop when it is called' Praise God'." The farmer who bought the horse is skeptical. He tried to shout "Thank God" and the horse ran faster and faster at once. It was not until he reached the edge of the cliff that the frightened farmer remembered the password of "Praise God" to stop it. Sure enough, the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The farmer who survived the accident gave a long sigh: "Thank God."

turn back

The villagers who stayed outside for a week hobbled home, ragged and exhausted. "Where have you been?" His wife asked. "I went to the Woods to check the still, and a big bear suddenly appeared in front of me. I ran away desperately and finally got rid of it. I have never run so fast! " "That was a week ago. Where did you go later? " The villagers fell on their chairs and said, "Come back!"

be economical

My sister works in a bank. A young man came to her counter and whispered to her, "Please deposit this 1000 yuan into my savings account." After she agreed, she whispered, "This is your passbook. Goodbye. " The young man began to turn away, but then turned back. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said. "But my car is parked outside. If it hears that I have extra money, it will collapse again. " He put his finger to his lips and tiptoed out of the bank.

antithetical couplet

Teacher Guo Wen explained couplets on the stage, for example, "In the past, a newspaper publicly solicited the next couplet of' Nantong North Tongzhou North Tongzhou Nantong Nantong North'. As a result, many letters were submitted, and one sentence was correct, that is,' East Pawnshop West Pawnshop East Pawnshop West Pawnshop Things'. " At this moment, a naughty student suddenly shouted, "Boys and girls, boys and girls, boys and girls."

Bird test

It is said that it is the final exam of a subject in the department of zoology of a school (as to which subject it is, it is no longer the focus, so I won't ask). The old professor was carrying a birdcage covered with black cloth, showing only two legs. The test topic is: write down the species of this bird from the observed bird legs. A student tried hard to prepare for the exam for several weeks, but got nothing, so he took such a bird exam. He can't. When he was angry, he struck the table and handed in a blank sheet of paper in advance (without his name and student number)! ! The old professor was so angry that he asked the students to leave his name. The student only pulled up his trouser legs, revealing his furry legs, and said to the old professor, "Guess who I am!" " ! !

calculate

An invigilator is staring at a student throwing dice in surprise. Strangely, the student threw the same question several times and asked the student why. The student replied helplessly: Is it too difficult to check?

haircut

A man went to the barber shop to get a haircut. The man said to the barber, "please cut the hair on the left short and let the hair on the right hang down to your ears." Then cut my forehead into a bald head like a five-dollar coin and leave a long hair for me to pull to my chin. " "I'm sorry, sir," said the barber. "I may not be able to do this." "Can't do it?" The customer angrily replied, "You cut my hair like this last time."

slow

Once upon a time, a farmer broke his leg and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked him how he broke his leg. He said, "Twenty-five years ago, I worked as a long-term laborer in a rich man's house. One night, the only daughter of the rich man came to me and asked me, "What can I do for you?" I replied,'No.' She asked again,' Do you really don't need me? I said,' I really don't need it. Then she left. The doctor asked, "So, what does this have to do with your broken leg?" The farmer said, "When I was repairing the roof yesterday, I suddenly understood what she meant."