Long-distance love is laughed at by friends.

Long-distance love, saying goodbye is not as good as getting married, otherwise it is "old and dead."

I have heard the best interpretation of long-distance love: even long-distance love can't stop me from loving you half the world.

But long-distance relationships also have their most disappointing moments. If you use four words, it is "powerless."

What is a long-distance relationship?

Because I cried my pillow speechless, but you think I'm losing my temper and ignoring you.

But every time I say goodbye to you, I will secretly wipe my tears and turn around quietly.

The hardest thing is not being around when you are sad and not being around when you are happy.

? For people who can get along, a long-distance relationship is like a pot of wine. The longer it takes, the more mellow it becomes. In space:

When two people can't see each other, the distance produces beauty, and they will cherish the time together more, because being apart from each other will be more fresh than being in love in the same place.

In the Emotion (emotion):

The Coolidge effect in psychology suggests that when two people stay together for a long time, with the decrease of dopamine, the relationship will gradually become dull, and the emotional fullness of intimate relationship will continue to decrease.

However, for long-distance lovers, dopamine will increase because they can't meet each other, and the emotional fullness of intimate relationships will increase because of their yearning for this person.

In communication (communication):

Because of long-distance love, we can only talk on the phone, share trivial matters of life and exchange ideas with each other. According to the survey, couples in long-distance relationships have more topics and more frequent communication time than those in the same place.

I believe many people have experienced long-distance love, including myself.

Perhaps, the phone stopped because of the arrears, and the phone burned my face, but it seems that there are still many words left to say, and then I fell asleep slowly with my thoughts on this person.

Every time I meet you, my feelings will be deeper. Every time I leave, I look forward to meeting again. The feeling of being reluctant to return to their respective cities may only be experienced by people who are in long-distance love.

As an emotional counselor, I have received countless cases of long-distance love, but I have summed up two kinds of long-distance love objects:

1, use hard-won feelings, cherish feelings and resolve conflicts.

Like most couples, distance produces friction instead of beauty.

First, because of long-distance love, we can't always feel each other's temperature together like other couples. Every meeting is like a gift. Even if there is a contradiction, it will roll with the punches.

Just like a friend of mine and his girlfriend are in a long-distance relationship, I asked him at that time, and I said, don't you quarrel when you are apart?

He told me that every time he got angry and quarreled, he would take a step back first, because he thought his girlfriend could find someone in the same city, but he chose a long-distance relationship. He felt indebted to her. Everyone else spends weekends with her boyfriend, so she can only talk to her boyfriend on the phone. When a girl is coquetry in her boyfriend's arms, she can only ask the temperature by phone.

Then I asked him, what if your girlfriend is insecure?

His answer is also a wave of dog food. He said that as long as his girlfriend feels insecure, he misses him very much. He must ask for leave or fly to her city for a day or two.

Emotionally speaking, women are more insecure than men in intimate relationships. Especially in long-distance relationships, women always fill in some pictures, such as whether their boyfriends are cheating, whether there are high-quality women around their boyfriends, not even returning calls, or coming home late, and women will ask questions.

I saw a video of a long-distance relationship in Tik Tok. Men always show their girlfriends videos in the car before and after work to prove that their co-pilot has no opposite sex and give their girlfriends a sense of security.

Of course, this is a joke, but we can also see that long-distance love is more diligent than long-distance love and needs more time and energy to run it. At this time, it depends on how much one party cherishes the other, or whether it loves enough. So many people have survived long-distance love, and many people have not survived long-distance love and finally broke up.

Therefore, the first kind of partners can better understand the difficulty of long-distance love. Even if there are problems and frictions, they will be solved well, without intensifying contradictions and appeasing each other's emotions.

Second, we often hear chicken soup: "I thought the future would hold your hand, but we lost to the distance."

There are many uncontrollable long-distance relationships because they can't be seen or touched. One side is anxious, and the other side is inconsiderate, so it gradually alienates, followed by endless quarrels.

For this, there is no difference between long-distance love and urban love.

Why would I say that? I want to ask, do people who don't know how to put themselves in other people's shoes and think about others have a result even if they fall in love in the same city? It turns out that this is not the case.

Did you say that long-distance love lost to distance? Perhaps it is because many examples tell us that distance will not only produce beauty, but also many unsafe factors, and even many contradictions and problems, and parting ways and caring for each other will become an inevitable outcome.

But why did someone successfully graduate from a long-distance relationship? It is one thing to cherish each other's feelings, on the other hand, it is "knowing how to operate".

On the other hand, love in the same city, even if you can see this person, you will be accompanied when you are lonely, and you will have a shoulder to lean on when you are sad. Then why do so many lovers who used to be very close still break up? Right?

Therefore, no matter what kind of love, knowing how to operate, knowing each other's needs and meeting each other's needs can reach the other side of success.

On the contrary, if you don't know how to solve problems, tolerate each other when there are contradictions, understand each other when there are problems, meet each other's emotional needs in life, and operate in intimate relationships, then any love will be futile in the end.

? This is a case of long-distance love I sorted out in May: in fact, their long-distance love is no different from that of most people. The man has always loved and tolerated his wife, but the woman often has sex with her boyfriend because of her insecurity. It may have been a trivial matter, but the woman always intensifies the contradiction because of her insecurity.

And because her boyfriend is better than herself, she always questions her boyfriend's feelings for herself, and then she will break up and test her boyfriend's feelings for herself. When her boyfriend coaxed her, she seemed to have won the battle. For four years, women have been trying to satisfy their sense of security in intimate relationships.

The woman is the kind of person who enjoys the status quo. She doesn't know how to manage herself or improve herself at work, but her boyfriend is more progressive, and the value between the two people gradually doesn't match, but her boyfriend doesn't complain, but she just mentions it occasionally, but she can't stand it. She always thinks it's because her boyfriend doesn't like herself, or because she has a better woman around her and can't see her problems at all.

However, from the woman's consultation, I learned that the man did not explicitly say goodbye, indicating that the man had deep feelings for her, but why did he say that he should be separated for a while? It is because of long-term negative emotions that I have been suppressed. I feel that the long-distance relationship itself is owed to my girlfriend, but the girlfriend's incomprehension, incomprehension and incomprehension of her own problems make the man feel very tired.

Through my understanding, the man has been working hard in four years of long-distance love, but he doesn't know how to face this intimate relationship. In psychology, there is a concept called "learned helplessness", which refers to the behavior dominated by repeated failures or punishments, and learned helplessness refers to a hopeless behavior and psychological state formed through learning.

Simply put, while loving, I don't know how to love and don't want to break up, but I don't know how to treat the woman in intimate relationship. In desperation, I can only choose to "temporarily separate" for a period of time to treat the situation of long-distance love.

In fact, for a relationship, recovery is a long process, especially for a long-distance relationship. Those uncontrollable realistic factors and their own problems need time to adjust and repair, but as long as we firmly believe that nothing is impossible, even a drop of water can't wear a stone. At least in this process, we have been trying not to regret it. This is the best explanation for this relationship.

? How to recover long-distance love?

I, remember not to break, but to establish a benign relationship.

Many people may have told you to break up, but in the recovery of long-distance love, the most taboo is to break up. Imagine you didn't see it. If you lose contact again, it will only alienate your relationship more and more, right?

So, at this time, you can send a message to the other party: "You want to be apart for a while, and I respect your choice. Maybe we can get along in another way, which will be more harmonious, but I still want to say sorry to you, because you have been tolerating me, but I have been doing it. Obviously you love me very much, but I always question you. But now, we can get along like friends, and maybe I can get to know you better. "

Then for the next time, you can send a greeting message every three days, be positive, don't bring any negative emotions, don't mention past emotional entanglements, and talk about how happy you are.

Two. Understand each other's core needs and find out why they don't want to continue.

Since we are going to be apart for a while, there must be reasons why we don't want to continue dating. For long-distance love, the biggest hidden danger is that emotional needs are not met.

So under the premise of controlling your emotions, calm down and think about it. What does the other person think? What is the core need of the other person? What exactly does the other person need?

If you don't think about anything, you will blindly save it. Most of the rescues were ineffective. In other words, the other person is unhappy because he can't eat apples, but if you hand him an orange, he will still be unhappy because his real needs are not really met.

At this time, we might as well close our eyes and recall the fragments you got along with in the past, and the things that the other party often complained or often made the other party feel helpless when quarreling.

I list a few core points:

1. What is the reason for breaking up?

2. Did you get a positive response from the other person's emotional effort?

3. When the other person understands you, do you understand the other person from the other person's perspective?

4. When there is a quarrel, does the other party always bow first?

5. Did you take the initiative to withdraw your negative emotions and provide a comfort zone for the other party?

These problems are very important in the recovery of long-distance love, because only the right medicine can cure the disease.

ⅲ. Effective communication and rebuilding comfort.

The crisis of long-distance love is a part of the lack of trust, and the most important thing is the collapse of mutual comfort. Imagine that you are uncomfortable with someone. Are you willing to continue this relationship? You will be tired, helpless and even uncomfortable, but if you are comfortable with someone, you are willing to be with this person, right? You may even depend on each other because your relationship is comfortable enough.

Personally, I think the premise of building comfort is that you have a stable state, a stable mood, and give each other enough self-space. No matter what the other person does, you can believe and agree unconditionally, and you can also meet the emotional needs of the other person well on the premise of meeting your own needs.

When you can release these signals, you can also bring psychological pleasure to each other.

Many people, after breaking up, can't keep an emotional stability, pester each other and bomb each other with information phones. You know, the other party broke up with you, and it was uncomfortable for you, but as you want to recover, you will continue to press each other step by step, and the comfort level will only get lower and lower. The other person wants to escape from this relationship and even feels that it is right to separate from you. Then how can you make the other person change their mind? Right?

You can say this:

"I know that long-distance love is not easy, and few people can persist, especially people like me who are insecure. Sometimes I even force you to stay with me, regardless of your feelings, so it's good for us to spend more time thinking about our relationship. After all, we can't be happy together until we solve our problems, right? If I don't change myself, even if you are here.

You know, even the one who offered to break up will feel uncomfortable and have emotional fluctuations, but your words are tantamount to rationalizing your current state, giving the other party a positive state guidance and giving you a "positive attribution" for breaking up.

In other words, your words have made a positive attribution for your breakup: sometimes it can be a good thing to break up, so that you can see clearly what the other person needs and know more about the other person's real thoughts. During the period of breaking up, you can also give the other party room to deal with problems, and when the relationship is constantly adjusted, a new situation of intimate relationship will come.

In this process, you can constantly improve yourself and match your own value with the other's.

This is the girl in the box. She has made great progress through her own efforts. As she said, human potential is forced out. Maybe in order to break up, the other person is immersed in sadness, but you have this opportunity to improve yourself, nourish yourself, constantly improve your value, let him see a brand-new you, and break his cognition of your past lack of progress. Why not?

(The party in the case successfully saved her boyfriend five months later, resigned and came to her city for development. At present, her working relationship is very smooth. A few days ago, she also sent me a congratulatory letter. My boyfriend proposed and graduated from a long-distance relationship. )

In fact, long-distance love is a love-hate relationship. I can't see it, but I can't bear it. I have been wandering between hesitation and love, but as I said before, how to manage a long-distance relationship is very happy. Because of invisible reasons, the novelty will always be there, and dopamine will not be reduced because of meeting every day.

Therefore, for those who can manage, long-distance love will be very happy and sweet. Of course, no matter what kind of relationship, there will be all kinds of problems and frictions. Our ultimate goal is to cross the mountains and seas and make a positive result.

Psychological test: measure what your ex wants to say to you most.

1. Do you quarrel over trifles when you are together?

Yes, I often feel very tired.

Rarely quarrel over trifles -2

Occasionally, but we can make up soon -3

2. Do you think you are a person who likes self-reflection and is willing to correct mistakes?

Yes -3

Non -4

3.will 3. TA volunteered to tell you about her troubles?

Often say -5

Not so much-4

Will you tell your parents the process of your love?

Every detail, I often spit with my parents -6

Occasionally they will say -5 when they ask.

Almost nothing to say, nothing to say-5

5. How much energy are you willing to spend to get what you want?

Everything is mine, and it is mine after all -7

If you work hard, you may succeed.

Try my best to get everything I want.

6. Did you break up because there was a third party?

Yes. -a

Seventh place

7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?

Yes -d

No-c

The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.

I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.