Emotional philosophy joke

1 .5 yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang. Dial a hundred-dollar bill:

"Ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.

Man: "... cake."

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.

Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four sections and plays mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "

Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "

4. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl fights hard and fights to the death.

After the failure, Panda Man said angrily, "We are all going extinct!" "

5. tortoise and rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ......

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ......

Then ..... the snail climbed up. ......

Soon ... The tortoise saw another ant ... and said to him, Come up, too. ......

So the ants came up.

When the ant appeared ... he saw the snail on it ... and said to him, hello.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. .......

6. A man and a woman are eating.

Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and went on eating dinner.

The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me or not?

The boy finally said: love

The girl asked again, then how do you prove it?

Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

And ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ......

The boys put forty yuan on the table.

soon .....

The girl was very angry and asked the boy, Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said: I have been proved! Forty is just around the corner!

7. Go to the snack street one day

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately?

Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese.

8. One day, a family caught fire.

Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.

Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:

"Son ... what are you doing ... it's on fire ..."

The son replied, "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."

After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ fire, stay inside ... "

The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."

9. A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water to curse:

"*-%#% what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

10, a German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.

Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.

He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"surprise! 」

1 1, "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"the sun." The patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said: I am too young to fart so smelly. It must be a cow.

The cow said: I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly.

The pig said: People who fart will blush.

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, How many times have I told you, I was born blushing.

13 One day, a man met God. ......

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ......

God asked ......

Do you have any wishes? ......

The man thought about it. ......

I heard that cats have nine lives. ......

Then please give me nine lives. ......

God said, ......

Your wish has come true. ......

One day, the man was idle and bored. ......

If you want to say death, forget it. ......

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks. ......

As a result, a train passed by. ......

That man is still dead. ......

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars. ......

14, one day, three people came to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ......

Confused, the funeral home manager asked the police: Why do people's faces look like this after death?

The policeman said: It's ... it's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... He was with his wife in the spring night ... at the most passionate moment ... he couldn't stand it ... and then hung up.

The administrator replied, alas ... I wish I could die under the flower ... Being a ghost is also very romantic ... How did the middle one die?

Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the lottery ... and the prize money exceeded 700 million yuan. ..

When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... and died. ......

The administrator replied: Alas ... he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... What about the rest?

Policeman: ... it's a pity that this one died ... he was killed by lightning while climbing a tree.

The administrator replied: ... This is a bit wrong. Why do you laugh when you are struck by lightning? ......

The policeman said, because he climbed the tree and thought ... suddenly there was a flash of lightning. ......

He thought ... someone was taking pictures of him. ......

15, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. On one occasion, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought this pair to. ...

Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran behind a tree to solve it.

This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the jade emperor.

The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.

In case the tree falls by itself. ...

16. Aries

Mother often tells the sheep: "Don't sway when wearing a skirt;" Otherwise, little boys will see it.

Go to the underwear inside! "

One day, Yangyang said happily to his mother, "Today I played on the swing with Xiaoming, and I won!" "

Mother said angrily, "didn't I tell you?" Don't put on a skirt! "

Yang Yang proudly said, "But I'm so smart! I took off my underwear so that he couldn't see my underwear! "

(Aries, brave and straightforward, dare to do it)

17. Taurus

Melon vendor: "Come and eat watermelon, it's free if it's not sweet!" " "

Hungry Niu Niu: "Wow! Great, boss, have a sweet one! "

(housekeeper, want to cheat, take care of yourself Taurus)

18. Gemini

Mom told Shuangshuang to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowed several times! "

Both of them said, "What does a cock crow have to do with me? I am not a hen! "

(Gemini with strong self-awareness and self-thinking ability)

19. Cancer constellation

On the bus, crab crab said, "I want to sleep with my mother tonight!"

Mother asked, "Did you sleep with your mother when you married your daughter-in-law?"

Crab crab said without thinking, "Hmm!"

Mom asked again, "What about your daughter-in-law?"

Crab crab thought for a long time and said, "It's very simple. Let her sleep with her father!"

Mom: "! @#$%^&*(……—"

Look at dad again, tears are already in my eyes!

(Oedipus complex, with cancer)

20. Leo

The lion lion went to grandma's birthday party. When it was time to eat Shoubao, the lion asked, "Why do we eat Shoubao like a donkey?"

They listened to the face big change.

Then the lion opened the birthday bag, looked at the bean paste inside and said, "Grandma, look! There is also shit in it! "

Everyone fainted, vomited and vomited.

A proud lion who thinks for himself and is not afraid of others' eyes.

2 1. Virgo

Curious about navel everywhere, ask dad.

Dad simply explained the reason why the umbilical cord connects the fetus and the mother, saying, "After the baby left the mother, the doctor cut off the umbilical cord and tied it in a knot, which later became the navel."

Everywhere: "Why doesn't the doctor tie a bow?"

(Curious and perfectionist virgin)

22. Libra (Princess Constellation)

Father said to Tian Tian, "Don't go to school today. Last night ... your mother gave birth to two brothers for you. Just tell the teacher. "

Every day I answer: "Dad, I only said I gave birth to one; The other one, I want to stay until next week when I don't want to go to school! "

(Smart, weigh the pros and cons) Why didn't I think of that?

23. Scorpio people

The scorpion was bitten by a mosquito as soon as it fell asleep.

He got up to catch mosquitoes, but he couldn't get out. No way, he pointed to the mosquito and said, "well, I'll go out if you don't go out!" " With that, he left the room, slammed the door and said proudly, "Hum! If I don't come in tonight, you'll starve to death! "

(Scorpio who is not sensible and does not play by common sense)

24. Sagittarius

Pat: "Dad, why do you have so much white hair?"

Dad: "Because you are naughty, Dad has a lot of white hair."

Shooting: ... (in doubt)

Shooting: "Then why are they all grandfathers with white hair?"

Dad:! @#$%^&*(……

(Thinking about Shooter)

25. Capricorn Palace. Compare CAPRICORNUS

One day, Jiejie and her mother went shopping together. Walking on the road, it suddenly began to rain.

Mother took Jie Jie's little hand and said, "It's raining, run!" " "

Jie Jie asked slowly, "Then it won't rain ahead!" ? "

(Capricorn who understands reality and is too lazy to change)

26. Aquarius

Aquarius asks his mother, "What do you mean by saying that Mr. Jiang is an ancestor?"

Mother said, "Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased."

Bottles and jars said, "Should the deceased grandmother be called' fresh milk'?"

(A natural water bottle with unique thinking, always unique)

27. Pisces Palace

Dad told the fish that he often went hungry when he was a child.

Fish and fish had tears in their eyes after listening, and asked sympathetically, "Oh, Dad, did you come to our house because you didn't have food?"

(Pisces, compassionate and regardless of the situation)

28. Xiaoming is five years old and can't speak yet. One day, his mother asked him to learn to speak outside, and Xiao Ming went out.

The first place he went to, he saw a house collapse, and a man shouted over there:

"The building collapsed! The building collapsed! "

Xiao Ming will remember it.

The second place he went to, he saw two people fighting. One of them said, "Come if you dare!" "

Xiao Ming remembered again.

In the third place he went, he saw a child beating his grandfather. Grandpa said, "If you hit him again, he won't give you candy!" " "

Xiao Ming remembered again.

When he got home, his mother asked him, "Xiaoming, what words did you learn?" ! "

Xiao Ming said, "The building collapsed! The building collapsed! "

Mom hurried downstairs, and when she saw it, the building didn't collapse.

Mom came into the room and said, smelly boy, how dare you lie to mom! I want to hit you. "

Little Ming Dow: "Dead boy, come and fight if you dare!" "

Mom hit Xiaoming.

Xiao Ming said, "If you hit Grandpa again, Grandpa won't give you candy!" " "

Mom is dizzy!

29.9 See 6 and say: Nothing to play handstand. 0 sees 8 and says: Fat is fat. What belt are you wearing? 7 See 2 and say: Don't think that I will marry you if you kneel. 2 See 5 and say: Hey, I haven't seen you for a few days, I have breast augmentation!

30. A sheep saw a wolf. Guess what happened later ... the wolf ate the sheep.

3 1. On one occasion, Xinyi, Xiaolan and Ye traveled by small plane.

There was something wrong with the midway flight, only three parachutes escaped, so one person had to make a sacrifice. Finally, it was decided that the smartest freshmen would ask three questions, and those who couldn't answer them would jump.

So I put forward a new question to Xiaolan: "How many suns are there in the sky?" "one"

So a new question asked Ye: "How many moons are there in the sky?" "one"

So the new one asked Hattori, "How many stars are there in the sky?" "……"

Hattori died voluntarily and jumped, but he hung on a branch and didn't die, which was fatal.

Then, once again, the four of them took the opportunity to travel together.

The same thing happened. So I decided to decide a self-sacrificing person as before.

So Xinyi asked Xiaolan, "How many eyebrows does a person have?" "two ways"

So Xinyi asked Ye Yue: "How many eyes does a person have?" "two"

So a new question asked Hattori: "How many eyelashes does a person have?" "……"

Hattori volunteered to die, but he fell into the lake and didn't die, which was fatal.

The third time four people took the opportunity to travel, they encountered this danger again.

Hattori immediately stood up and said bravely, "Don't ask, I'll jump!" Falling so firmly ...

Shinichi immediately cried regretfully to Hattori, who was falling rapidly in the air: "Hattori! We brought four parachutes this time ............... "

32. The teacher told Xiao Bai to make a sentence with "besides", and Xiao Bai went there by train, besides. ...

33. Send a box of milk and a bag of Thai fragrant rice to female colleagues during the Dragon Boat Festival. She was too weak to move, so she asked her male colleague to help her back downstairs. She said to her male colleague, "You wait for me downstairs, and I'll go up and have a look. If my husband were here, I would ask him to come down and move. " If he is not here, you'll have to trouble me to carry it up. "After a while, MM stood on her balcony and shouted," Come on up! ""Because she was on the fifth floor, the male colleague suddenly didn't hear and didn't respond. So MM roared loudly: "Hey! My husband is not at home, hurry up! " The words shocked the neighbors and everyone ran to the balcony to watch. It is not good to let male colleagues go to school in public, and it is not good to leave. MM thought that the other party didn't hear clearly, so she made a trumpet with her hand and put it in her mouth and shouted louder. "Did you hear that? My husband is not at home, please hurry up. "

Just say a piece of bread is walking on the road

Suddenly feel very hungry

Help yourself!