Where did Fu Yong, a supporter of Oriental Scala, get those funny jokes? How can he be so talented ~

"four noes" obstacle

My friend was widowed in middle age. Someone asked him why he didn't continue his marriage. He said:

"I have four noes, and it is difficult to get married again. This "four noes" is: income is not.

Big, expensive, small wealth, many children. "

Hair care coup

A: "Why, have you lost all your hair? Have you thought about what to do with it?

The law protects it? "

B: "Yes, I want to file for divorce."

Quarrel agreement

A woman said to her friend, "I have an agreement with my husband, which is to quarrel."

Be sure to put on makeup before going to bed after that. "

"Can you really abide by this agreement?" The friend asked.

"yes. Once, we didn't sleep for two whole weeks.

Sleep! "

"You go to work."

A: "What is the common language between you and your wife?"

B: "Go to work!" "

Disadvantages of breast milk

Husband: "the medical book says that breastfeeding has many benefits."

Wife: "Did you grow up with breast milk, too?"

Husband: "Yes!"

Wife: "You see, there are shortcomings. You are like your mother. "

What a verbosity! "

Not fashionable

On a whim, my wife went to the beauty salon to dye her forehead hair red.

Color, follow fashion. On the way home, her hair really caught people's attention. She

I can't help feeling complacent.

When she got home, her husband's attitude made her very disappointed. He walked to

In front of her, she solemnly asked, "Is your hair stained with paint?"

Really? "

Have nothing to say

A: "I quit smoking, drinking and gambling to make my wife happy."

B: "Then she must be very happy."

A: "Now every time she wants to talk to me, she feels speechless.

Yes "

Don't ask again.

The wife said to her husband in tears, "You don't love me anymore, see?"

I can't help crying without asking why! "

"I'm sorry, I see. It's really not cost-effective to ask this question."

tie

Two women are chatting together.

A: "Well, I've been engaged to him for three years. Three beautiful years have arrived.

It's over now. "

B: "What, he dumped you?"

A: "No, we are married."

Time concept

My husband has become less and less aware of time recently. He arrived on Monday morning.

Go out of town and promise your wife to go home on Tuesday night. On Tuesday, Xing didn't go home.

There is no news of the third issue. Thursday passed in a hurry, and Friday was still as heavy as a stone.

Sea. On Saturday, the impatient wife had to send him a telegram: "For example."

If you die, please inform me immediately so that you can remarry as soon as possible. "

make sense

A: "My wife is so picky that I can't stand it."

B: "Is she always like this?"

A: "Of course."

B: "I don't think so. Otherwise, how could she pick you?"

worry

A: "I'm worried about my wife's memory."

B: "Why? Has she lost her memory? "

A: "On the contrary, she remembers everything too clearly."

Milk seller

When John came back from a business trip, he suspected that his wife was having an affair and behaved badly.

That is, ask the apartment manager for information.

"Has anyone come to see my wife, such as a man you don't know,

Or other men? "

"No, only a milkman came yesterday."

"Well, I'm relieved." John sighed.

"But he hasn't come down yet!"

Wife's complaint

An old couple who have been married for forty years are chatting.

The wife complained, "You are not as good to me as before. You are always used to it. "

Sit next to me. "

The husband replied, "It's easy." Then he moved to sit next to her.

"But you used to hold me tight."

"Is this good?" He put his arm around his wife's neck.

"Do you remember how to kiss my neck and bite my ear before?

Really? "

He jumped up and walked out of the door.

The wife hurriedly asked, "Where are you going?"

The husband replied, "I have to get my dentures."

Serendipity

A lady intends to divorce her husband, and she entrusts a lawyer to handle it.

This matter. The lawyer asked her, "Madam, when did you find out that your husband was gone?"

Love you? "

The lady said sadly, "Last summer. I accidentally fell down at that time.

I went into the cellar, but my husband not only didn't ask me if it hurt, but also shouted for me to cover it.

He took some wine to the cellar. "

Wives are like fishermen.

A: "I heard that my ex-wife now regrets divorcing me."

B: "What's so strange about this? Wives are like fishermen. They are always right.

The fish caught didn't agree, but boasted about the fish that had slipped away. "

Regret at the beginning

In order to celebrate the 25th wedding anniversary, Bowman specially invited relatives and friends.

Celebrate at home.

All the guests have arrived, but the host doesn't know where to go.

Later, someone found him in the study, and he was pouring himself a drink.

"Dude!" My friend Hans asked, "What's the matter?" Your brother, no

Having fun with everyone in the front hall, but hiding here to drink alone? "

"alas! Forget it. " He said gloomily, "I was only five years old when I got married."

Now, I want to leave my wife and ask my lawyer for advice, but he warned me.

Say,' If you want a divorce, you have to pay alimony for at least 20 years!' You replaced

Let's see, if I were bolder, I wouldn't be free today.

Really? "

Brave spirit

In the evening, a couple were sleeping in bed when they suddenly heard something in the corner.

Wife: "Why don't you get up and have a look? Maybe a thief? "

Husband: "I dare not go."

Wife: "Hum! A man is a gentleman and has no courage at all. "

Husband: "I don't have the courage! Otherwise, there would have been a lover. "

Suspect who?

The husband said angrily to his wife, "Which child stole my wallet?"

The money in the bag "

The wife said disapprovingly, "How can you doubt your son?"

Son, maybe it wasn't them who stole the money, but me? "

"It won't be you, because not all the money in the wallet has been stolen.

Light. "

Curse who?

A beautiful woman married an ugly man. When this

A woman was pregnant. She looked at her husband and complained, "What if it's mine?"

Children are like you, you should be cursed! "Her husband replied," If I

Your children are not like me, and you are the one who should be cursed! "

* * * Similarities

Someone asked a lady that she had been with her husband for twenty years.

What are the similarities in life? She thought for a long time and finally answered, "I"

The only thing children have in common is getting married on the same day in the same year. "

The past cannot be compared with the present.

A woman filed a divorce with the court on the grounds that "he is not as good as.

I used to love me. "The evidence is that they met, fell in love and got married.

Ten letters after marriage.

"When we first met, he called me' dear'; He called me when I was in love.

For' dearest'; When I was in love, he called me' the only dear'; Marriable

Then he called me by my first name. "

Emotional change

A: "The boy named Sam told us that he would turn over a new leaf after he got married.

Face, but now I am still an alcoholic who is jealous when I see wine! "

B: "But have you noticed? He has changed a lot. "

A: "What's changed?"

B: "He drank idle wine before he got married, but now he drinks dull wine!" "

A day is like a year.

A: "Why are you so dressed up today?"

B: "Today is my golden wedding anniversary."

A: "Are you kidding? You have only been married for five years. "

B: "But these five years seem like fifty years to me."

Disagreement for three years

The husband went to court to ask for a divorce from his wife. He said, "We have differences with ourselves.

It's been three years. "

The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"

The husband replied, "Two years."

"three obedience and four virtues"

A: "What's Mrs. Chen's personality?"

B: It can be described as "three obedience and four virtues"! "

A: "Really?"

B: "Follow if you have money, follow if you have looks, and follow if you are young; Are you going to eat or not?

Well, you can't move it. "

Fall into misunderstanding

A man ran to the detective station to protest. He cursed: "You!"

The detective we sent to monitor my wife's movements stopped following her. "

"There is such a thing!" An elderly detective said angrily, "That's too small."

Where is Zi now? "

"He's walking with my wife!"

make a telephone call

A: "What did people call Mrs. Wang before she got married?"

B: "Mrs Zhou, Mrs Lu, Mrs Lin ..."

Biped cat

A fisherman's wife is beautiful, and a neighbor's young man is black.

Hook her up 3. The woman told him to meet at night and meow with the cat.

Sound is a code word. In the evening, the young man did come, and he took meowing as his goal.

Code, but the fisherman didn't go out fishing, the woman deliberately loudly.

He said, "Cat, cat, stop arguing. Nobody is going fishing tonight. Come back tomorrow night. "

All right! "

The young man replied loudly: "Good!" When the fisherman heard this, he told him

Said to his wife, "This is really a two-legged cat."

Pregnant

The hostess called the maid to the front and asked her, "Are you pregnant?"

"Yes!" The maid replied.

Thanks to you, you are not married. Don't you feel hurt?

Shame? "The hostess scolded again.

"Why should I be shy? Lady, aren't you pregnant yourself?

Really? "

"But I am pregnant with my husband!" The hostess retorted angrily.

"Me too!" The maid chimed in happily.

Confused couple

A: "What's the matter with you? What are you unhappy about? "

B: "When I came home last night, someone came out to open the door in the dark, so I decided.

As a maid, I hugged her and kissed her. "

A: "Haha! After that, your wife came, didn't she?

what's up "

B: "It's worse than this. The woman I was holding turned out to be."

My wife, on top of that, said,' Not now! I don't know where I died.

When will the ghost come back? '……"

Random set

A widow married a young man, and her daughter married this man.

Father of youth. In this way, their relationship can be screwed up.

Yes

Because her husband wants to call her daughter "mom", she just

Became her husband's "grandmother"; But on the other hand, the widow's daughter has become.

How can a daughter call her daughter-in-law "mother" after "mother-in-law"?

Because in that case, the young man's father will have to call his son "dad"

have you finished?

All in all, the relationship between the two families is in a mess.

Dezi's Secret

Lena has been married for many years, but she has never been pregnant, so she goes to church to pray.

Beg.

A year later, she really had a son. Her friend Sasha

After learning this, I was very happy for her and asked her, "What happened? i also want to have a try.

Try it, I just don't know if I can get it. "

"ah! Of course, as long as the young janitor is still here.

Yes "

A man tells the truth in a cup.

At a banquet, two half-drunk men were depressed.

Speak with a paste.

"Hey, there is a slim woman with black eyes and black hair.

Did you get a look at him? She is my wife. The blonde sitting next to her

Lang, it's my mistress! "

Wow! That's a coincidence. I am just the opposite of you. "

When things go to extremes, they will develop in the opposite direction.

A beautiful wife told a lawyer that she had decided to divorce her husband. lawyer

Ask her: "Do you have a legitimate reason?"

"Because I love him so much, of course."

"Strange, since you love him, why did you divorce him?"

"Living with a man who can't' betray', you

Can you imagine? "

argue

Judge: "Why do you want a divorce?"

Husband: "We don't agree."

Judge: "Why not?"

Husband: "I want a divorce, but she doesn't want it."

Achieve the same goal through different ways/means.

A couple went to a law firm to negotiate a divorce.

Wife: "I asked for a divorce because I have been married until now."

Words, he has never heard. "

Husband: "Nonsense! You wanted me to go to the law firm this time, but I didn't.

Do you understand? ! "

forward-looking

Jason and Angie are newlyweds.

Angie: "Honey, where is our marriage certificate?"

Jason: "Don't worry, I've collected it."

Angie: "honey, you are so far-sighted." I heard that divorce must be used. "

Yes "

wedding photo

A: "From the wedding photos, you and your wife kept a certain distance.

Why not come closer? "

B: "of course, keep a certain distance, so that if you divorce, it will be fine."

Easy to cut! "

I can't laugh.

Photographer: "Don't always look sad, smile."

Customer: "I can't laugh!" " "

Photographer: "Think of someone you love or something beautiful, and you will."

Laugh, such as missing your lover! "

Customer: "I just divorced her."

Photographer: "Then you want to remarry!" " "

It's too expensive

"I want to divorce my husband." An actress walks into a lawyer's office.

Such as service.

"Yes," the lawyer replied brightly. "You give me twenty thousand yuan, I will.

I'll get you a divorce right away. "

"What, twenty thousand dollars?" The actress shouted, "It's too expensive.

Yes! I'll get someone to film him, and he only wants 10 thousand yuan! "

Counterfeit commercial crane

A: "The young couple are really inseparable when they get married. Why?

In less than a year, the relationship broke down and divorced? "

B: "What a pity! Their glue is "recycled glue" and their paint.

It's' wait for external paint', and it's all fake and shoddy goods.

Confess a crime

"Defendant, do you admit the crime?"

"Yes, Mr. Judge, my wife said that as long as I went to prison once,

She agreed to divorce. "

Love is not specific.

A newly married couple came to the court to ask for a divorce. staff

Asked about the reason why the woman asked for a divorce, the woman replied: "He is not specialized in falling in love.

One. When we first fell in love, he repeatedly said that I was the only one in the world.

Personal. "

"Who else does he love?"

"He still loves his parents!"

inscription

The husband said to his wife, "honey, I'm thinking about it. It's in your grave."

What is the most suitable inscription on the front stone tablet? "

The wife said, "Please engrave the following words:' Poor widow.

After years of bitter widowhood, I finally met her in this grave.

My late husband joined us. "

Can't remarry

The newlywed husband is praising the beauty of the young lady next door. also

Said sourly, "then why don't you propose to her?"

"She has introduced you to me. How can I marry her again? "

Specific will

Husband: "After so many years of marriage, I found that you are a weak-willed person.

What do you think of me? "

Wife: "I don't think you have a will at all."

Choose carefully

The wife wants to buy a dress, and the husband goes shopping with her. Wife every time.

When I ask my husband for advice, he always says it looks good, but it starts at 8: 001in the morning.

I didn't buy my favorite clothes until twelve o'clock. Finally, the wife got impatient.

Angry, he said, "You are so casual!"

The husband replied, "That's how I picked you."

Yes, you chose me because you are very picky. "

The ugliest portrait

A couple are admiring art in the museum. nearsighted

The wife stood in front of a painting and said to her husband, "Look, this is my treat."

The ugliest portrait I have ever seen. "The husband hurriedly pulled up his wife,

Whispered: "Come here, dear, this is not a portrait, this is a profile."

Mirror. "

Explain this way

A gentleman and his wife had a quarrel.

A gentleman said to his friend, "She is really difficult to get along with." My friend suggested:

"What's wrong with you?" A gentleman said affirmatively, "No.".

Gee, I am good at getting along with women. You see, I have four girlfriends,

I get along well with them all. "

Can't buy any more

My wife likes a pair of newly bought thrush birds very much. She cleaned those birds that day.

Cage, accidentally, the mother flew away. Mr. Wang comforted her: "I will tomorrow."

Just buy another one. "She immediately objected," my wife just left, my husband.

How can you get married again at once! "

Hide private money

On their way home, a couple was suddenly robbed by a roadblock.

The gangsters forced them to hand over the money at gunpoint. At this time, the wife was afraid.

I was at a loss, but when she saw her husband unhurriedly take it out of his underwear bag,

When he took out his wallet, he suddenly got angry and said, "well, you should die!" keep a secret

Hiding my private money. "

be strong-willed

A: "Please smoke."

B: "No, I quit."

A: "You are really a strong-willed person."

B: "No, my wife has a strong will. She said to me, you can either smoke.

Cigarettes, or me! Choose one of the two! "

Love to do stupid things

A young couple was walking by the river when his wife suddenly asked about her husband.

Husband: "If I accidentally fall into the river, would you like to jump right away?"

Help me? "

The husband said, "Of course! Don't you always complain that I like doing it?

Stupid thing? "

Gaojian

The husband said to his wife, "Why did God make women so beautiful?"

Is Li so stupid? "

The wife replied, "This truth is very simple. It makes us beautiful."

Li, you will love us; Make us stupid. We love you.

Kid. "

Lick someone's shoes.

A couple is watching others dance in the ballroom. The husband regrets ground say:

"The world is really strange, that ugly fool just has a drift.

Smart wife. The wife smiled and said, "honey, you really know how to shoot."

I'm honored. "

Lost Love

Wife: "He is excited because of his lovelorn love, and he is here today."

What kind of achievement. "

Husband: "I was there. If you hate me, I'll leave today."

My head is on the ground. "

worry

A: "I thought you must be worried about your husband going out?"

B: "Ah! Ever since my family hired that beautiful maid,

He is at home, but I am not at ease! "

wait for

The couple went to visit the trendy art exhibition together. When they arrive

In front of a portrait of a naked woman, her husband

I immediately stood there dumbfounded and didn't want to leave for a long time.

The wife couldn't bear it any longer and roared, "Hey! You want to wait until autumn.

Only when the leaves fall, are you willing! "