Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - Who will Song Taizu and Zhao Kuangyin settle accounts with when the Emperor Dasong meets in the underworld?

Who will Song Taizu and Zhao Kuangyin settle accounts with when the Emperor Dasong meets in the underworld?

Song Taizu (Yan) black face said to them:

"Look at you those disappointing things, my face is nowhere to put. Two days ago, Zhu Yuanzhang's fellow also said that they beat Yuan people in Daming to avenge our Dasong, and advised me to take it easy and stop being a bad face.

Boy! I can't refute being teased like this. Liao people, Jin people, Yuan people and even Xixia people can step on our heads! Can't I beat them in Dasong? Where are we worse than them! Emphasis on literature over martial arts has reached the point of deformity. Why hasn't anyone come out to set things right? "

Song Taizu

Song Taizong Zhao Guangyi hesitated a little, but he went out to persuade him, "Brother, calm down. In view of the confusion of Wu people in the Five Dynasties, this national policy of valuing literature over martial arts was initially formulated. It is too difficult for successors to change. After all, it will shake the whole country. "

Song Taizu a listen to this spirit not dozen 1 come, but for the younger brother or leave some face:

"Light righteousness, heavy text light force is a waste of the army? Just say that you went to the Northern Expedition twice and lost it upside down. The emperor was so depressed that he fled back in a donkey cart! You don't have a general, but you have to step in and command the army. You can't make a general even if you plan and preset the array in advance! The situation on the battlefield is changing rapidly. How can you bind the hands and feet of the army like this? "

In the first Northern Expedition, the battle of Gaolianghe was defeated, Zhao Guangyi was hit by an arrow, and the donkey cart fled back.

In the second Northern Expedition, the main force of the East Road collapsed, and the famous Yang Ye died because he was captured on patrol.

Zhao Guangyi was unconvinced: "Brother, you can't totally blame me. If not, how can you stop the generals from supporting themselves? " ! My brother took back the relieving after drinking. "(Song Taizu released the rights of soldiers with a glass of wine)

Zhao Kuangyin airway: "Hey! You still keep your mouth shut. The army is no joke! I wonder if the soldiers are still in command. Every time the Khitan is luring the enemy deeper and gathering panic in the air, it happened that you were cheated every time. How can we be unbeaten? Moreover, as I have said long ago, the military strength of Liao country is not weaker than that of Dasong, and Yanyun's land can be bought back. It's hard to know whether it will win or lose. Why not listen? " (Song Taizong knows nothing about military affairs. During his reign, he lost all the battles against Liao, Xixia and Jiaozhi. )

Half of the emperors in the Song Dynasty were descendants of Zhao Guangyi. He was a little embarrassed for a moment and argued, "My brother's method is too slow. I think Yanyun's land should be recovered as soon as possible, otherwise it will be difficult for him to fight again because he has a long-term commitment. "

Northern song dynasty territory

Jiǒng Taizong, formerly known as Zhao Kuangyi, changed his name to Zhao Guangyi to avoid his brother's anonymity, and then changed his name to Zhao Huan after he acceded to the throne.

Zhao Kuangyin sneered and spoke directly from Zhao Guangyi's heart: "I think it's true that you are impatient with Yanyun, but it's true that you are firmly on the throne. That's all. I was in a hurry from the beginning, and I didn't leave an inheritance will. It can also be said that you are self-reliant for the stability of the country and the court. But how do you treat my children? " (The sound of an axe and the shadow of a candle: the mystery of Song Taizu's death, this article tends to die suddenly, not Zhao Guangyi, but Zhao Guangyi's problem is that he has no imperial decree to stand on his own feet.)

Zhao Guangyi was shocked and quickly handed over his hand and said, "My brother never wronged De Zhaohe for what he said!"

Ignoring his brother's words, Zhao Kuangyin said to himself, "I have four sons. The second one died young, and only Yu De can win it. And you didn't take care of me! Both of them died young. Do you dare to say that it has nothing to do with you? " (Zhao Dezhao, the second son of Mao, committed suicide after being reprimanded, at the age of 28; The fourth son, Zhao, died at the age of 22.

Pedigree map of emperors in Song Dynasty

Zhao Guangyi was shocked again and suddenly became speechless: "Brother! I ... "

Zhao Kuangyin big sleeve blows: "Stop it, no one knows you better than me. Old four and your nephew are in your way. With your personality, you must get by on the surface, but you must have a plan in private! Press this first, and you and I will discuss it alone tonight! " (Zhao Kuangyin Tour 2, Zhao Guangyi Tour 3, Zhao Tingmei Tour 4)

Although this is related to the secret of the original inheritance, Zhao Guangyi is quite shrewd. When he calmed down a little, he replied, "Yes, brother."

After that, Zhao Kuangyin glanced down and said to Zhao Guangyi, "Tell me about your black sheep. I want to see how they ruined my country! "

Zhao Guangyi expressed dissatisfaction with his brother's criticism. First, he introduced Zhao Heng, a native of Song Zhenzong: "This is my Dechang. He manages the country well and appoints talents, which makes my Dasong foundation prosperous and stable. " (Zhao Hengchu was named Zhao Dechang; The rule of xianping)

Zhao Heng, Song Zhenzong

See the eyes Zhang Jun, slightly please Zhao Heng, Zhao Kuangyin sighed, refute Zhao Guangyi way:

"Dechang, I watched him grow up. What a clever boy he is. He also likes military formations and often calls himself a marshal. But when I became emperor, I didn't recognize it at all! If it weren't for Kou Zhun dint, he doesn't even have the courage to fight against the Liao people! What's even more exasperating is that he took the initiative to recognize Lao Gong after winning, which is simply cowardly! We have lost the face of Zhao family and the national prestige of DaSong!

It is true that Dechang was diligent at the beginning of his accession to the throne and made great achievements in official administration and economy. But then what? He repeatedly used traitors, wasted people's money, ruined the initial results, and his quiet style set a very bad tone for the future DaSong. Can this crime be made up by his previous merits? I am not ashamed to pass Zen, and I have defiled the sanctity of Zen for no reason! "

(Kou Zhun: the title of the Northern Song Dynasty; Chán: Song and Liao signed an unequal agreement, and Song began to pay tribute to Liao; Forged gobbledygook, Taishan meditation)

Zhao Heng, who grew up in a palace, is really too timid. Zhao Guangyi reluctantly motioned for his son to step down, then cheered up and introduced the gentle Song Renzong Zhao Zhen:

"Jane's benevolent policy is a model for later generations. He has been in office for 42 years, the world is stable, and everyone praises him! " (Renzong Shouzhi)

Song Renzong Zhao Zhen

"Zhao Zhen sandwich is still a success. He was able to enlist good warfare and listen to persuasion, gathered a group of wise ministers such as Fan Zhongyan, Bao Zheng and Ouyang Xiu, and made some reforms on the issue of "redundant officials, redundant soldiers and redundant expenses", which is commendable. However, the reform must be decisive and gradual. If you can't do both, failure is inevitable. " (Qingli New Deal)

Zhao Kuangyin first affirmed, and then (turn:

"But this martial arts is really unsatisfactory. A country that has repeatedly defeated foreign enemies is also entitled to be called a prosperous time? How did this prosperous time come about? You won't forget, will you? Just like his father at that time, it was bought with money!

When I was hurt by Xixia, I promised Xixia to pay tribute every year, and the tribute of Liao increased every year! Why not make good use of Di Qing, which can win the battle? Han Qi such a civil servant, after all, is not a war material! This is what I call attaching importance to literature over martial arts to the point of deformity.

So, in the final analysis, Zhao Zhen, like his father, is holding his own king at most. He has a good sandwich, but his martial arts really hasn't improved. More importantly, the backbone of the country has been bent for a long time, and it is difficult to help! "

(Di Qing: a famous soldier in the Northern Song Dynasty; Song and calendar discussion: Song Liao attaches importance to increasing currency)

General Miannie Diqing

Zhao Guangyi was speechless, and introduced Zhao Shu, a sickly Song Yingzong: "Shu Er is in power smoothly, the country has no war, and the DPRK is stable, with an annual income of over 100 million yuan, and also wrote" Zi Tong Zhi Jian ".

Zhao Kuangyin moreover ran a smile, directly retorted:

"Smooth administration-I heard that he was too ill to manage state affairs; There is no war in the country-there is no war in the continuation of tribute; North Korea's stability-that is the inevitable result of his not thinking about reform and following the old government; The income is over 100 million-but at the same time, the expenditure is over 100 million, and the finance has begun to make ends meet!

There are many problems in the world, and time waits for no one, not to mention his lack of energy due to illness. Even the rest of his thoughts are used to argue about the name of his biological father. You also put in a good word for such an emperor who put the cart before the horse and did nothing! "

(Argument of Puyi: No children, Zhao Yun adopted, Zhao Yun and courtiers disputed about the father 18 months).

Song Yingzong Zhao Shu

Zhao Guangyi is embarrassed again. His face is a little embarrassed. He quickly introduced Song Shenzong Zhao Zhuan, who has an extraordinary appearance: "If you don't cure your son well, you won't be lucky, and you will be ambitious and make great efforts." Although his political reform has not been completed, it has eliminated some old disadvantages and brought my Dasong back to life! "(Wang Anshi's political reform)

Zhao Kuangyin rarely admits: "Zhao Yong is a good boy in my family. He is ambitious, responsible and energetic. He knows that this country is full of holes. As an emperor, he must stand up and make changes! He dared to attack militarily, and his toes were beaten honestly. You did a good job. Although Xixia has gains and losses, it is correct to want revenge and eliminate the old tribute! "

(The famous Guo Kun won the Ning War, and he never dared to invade the territory of Song Dynasty again; Wang Shao, a famous soldier, won the battle of Xihe River in Song and Xia Dynasties, extended the border for more than 2,000 miles, recovered six countries and strategically surrounded Xixia. Song Jun attacked the summer with five roads, hungry and cold, and returned without success; The Battle of Yongle City in Song and Xia Dynasties, Song Jun was defeated)

Zhao Guangyi's face seldom shows light, and he shows his appreciation for Zhao Yong. Zhao Yong also humbly thanked Mao and Emperor Taizong, and the atmosphere was harmonious for a while.

Look a bit dull, Zhao Guangyi continue to introduce. This time, it seems that Song Zhezong Zhao Kuangyin is determined to win: "Xuner, inherit his father's business, restart the New Deal, defeat Xixia, and serve the quartet!"

(Shao Sheng Shao Shu: Song Zhezong inherited his father's business and restarted the New Deal; The famous Zhang Ji won the battle between Song and Xia Cheng, and Xixia became weak from then on. )

With admiring eyes, Zhao Kuangyin smiled and boasted: "This son has the demeanor of a father, is determined, overcomes all difficulties and persists in reform. For Xixia, I played the prestige of Dasong, and I am proud! But it is a pity that the struggle between the old and new parties has greatly weakened the court, and the gentleman abdicated, which also left loopholes for the villains behind. "

(Before and after Wang Anshi's New Deal, the old and new parties were constantly fighting. The old party was divided into three factions: Shu, Luo and Shuo, among which Shu, headed by Su Shi, and Luo, headed by Cheng Yi, were in the same boat. )

Song Zhezong Zhao Xu

Next, Zhao Guangyi looked a little uncomfortable, pointing to the frivolous Song Huizong Evonne (jí): "This prodigal son is really not a human son! He reused traitors, extorted money, and was ignorant and decadent. This is where I was buried! "

Zhao Kuangyin laughed without anger: "Hey, Guangyi, you show off in front of me. This is so angry. It seems that this child is really corrupt. After several generations of accumulation, I can't help but squander one generation. Evonne, the prodigal son of heaven, is really guilty! "

Zhao Kuangyin glared at Evonne and asked, "Evonne, what do you think of the years when he was taken away by the Jin people?"

Evonne was in tears and replied with trepidation: "When I returned to Mao, my grandson ruined the country and failed his ancestors' country. I deeply regret that I can't start all over again ... I just have grievances and blame that Cai Jing for misreading me!" (Song Huizong is fatuous and ignorant, boasting treacherous court official Cai Jing. Politics is dark, people are in dire straits, and peasant uprisings break out one after another, including Song Jiang and Fang La uprisings. )

Evonne, Song Huizong

Zhao Kuangyin's face is getting darker and darker, and he can't help swearing: "Yes, do you feel wronged, too? I've sent someone to cut down that traitor named Cai Jing. He's going to hell and can't live beyond life! As for you, I don't feel wrong at all, because you are fucking Chun! I arranged a frying pan hell for you in hell. Go there and repent! "

Frightened by Mao's words, he rushed over to beg for mercy, but it was useless.

Zhao Guangyi showed no pity for his descendants, and then introduced Zhao Huan Song Qinzong, the last emperor of the Northern Song Dynasty: "This son was forced to meditate by that bastard Evonne. At that time, Jin was fierce, and a mediocre man like him could not change the status quo at all. Finally, Tokyo was broken and he was captured with his father. " (The change of Jingkang: Jin Jun broke into Kaifeng, and Hui Zong and Qin Zong were captured)

Schematic diagram of Jin's annihilation of the Northern Song Dynasty

Zhao Kuangyin said angrily, "This son is really useless. At the critical moment, Li Gang and Hong Shidao, who were the main battle, were dismissed, and the treacherous court official was given random command, which delayed the fighter plane. They only know blind summation, but who doesn't know that summation needs chips? Seeing that you are fragile and vulnerable, Jin people will agree to peace talks. No backbone, no brain, just like his father! I won't punish you for forcibly reaching the top! " (In the Northern Song Dynasty, the family army joined the army for five generations, and the famous soldiers came forth in large numbers, and their fame and role were greater than that of Yang Jiajun)

Song Qinzong Zhao Huan was scared like a quail, afraid that he would be thrown into eighteen layers of hell.

After retreating from Zhao Huan, Song Taizong was also captured by Yu Nu. Looking at the next emperor of the Southern Song Dynasty, the tone can't help but be harsh: "Zhao Gou, the Jin people occupied the north, he crossed the river south, rebuilt the court, resisted the Jin army, and continued the Song Dynasty 150 years, which is called the Lord of Zhongxing."

Southern song dynasty territory

Zhao Kuangyin didn't laugh after listening, but simply asked, "Zhao Gou, why did you kill Yue Fei and why did you appoint Qin Gui?"

Realizing that something was wrong, Song Gaozong Zhao Gou licked his dry lips and carefully replied, "In order to hold peace talks with the rulers and stabilize the political situation, Yue Fei must be killed and Qin Gui used."

Zhao Kuangyin couldn't help laughing: "Haha, so I should praise you well, right?"

Zhao Gou was so shocked that he even said he didn't dare. He knelt down and cried, "It was my fault that Mao falsely killed Zhongliang and appointed a traitor, but I was forced to. At that time, the mountains and rivers were broken and nomadic people were surging. Yue Fei, Han Shizhong and others have won many battles, but the country has no surplus wealth and the people live in poverty. Without peace talks with the court, it is difficult to continue. Please make it clear! "

Yue feixiang

Zhao Kuangyin disdain a smile, hate iron not to produce way:

"DaSong except at the beginning of the founding of the people's Republic of China, belong to you in Athens, yue fei, Han Shizhong, Liu Yong (qi), Wu Jun (jie), Wu Lin, etc. I want to be you, with such a team, I would have beaten the Golden Man back to the shack, which is really blind!

However, you are a clever boy and know how to admit your mistake quickly. The reason you said is not illusory, but it is not the reason why you killed Zhongliang and used treacherous court officials. In the final analysis, you are just too selfish, everything goes to extremes, trying to save trouble and being irresponsible!

It is true that you continued Dasong, but it also harmed Dasong. I won't punish you severely for your mixed merits and demerits. However, I have sent someone to punish Qin Gui for betraying his country and seeking glory, and the treatment is similar to that of Cai Jing. And if you are free, you must go to Yue Fei to apologize. People are burning incense now, and you are already cold. "

Zhao Gou if amnesty, hurriedly said.

Qin Gui kneeling statue

Song Taizong continued to introduce Song Xiaozong Zhao Shuo, and Zhan Yan praised him: "Brother, Zhao Shuo is Fang De's sixth grandson, and he is very promising! He is diligent in governing the country, well managed, reformed politics at home, actively explored the north abroad, prospered the economy, stabilized the people's hearts, prospered the culture and made outstanding achievements. Among the emperors after Du Nan, he is a veritable Lord of ZTE! " (Gan Chun's Law)

Zhao Kuangyin smiled unabashedly this time and joked: "Guangyi, the reincarnation of heaven, the throne has finally returned to me from the beginning!"

Zhao Guangyi smiled and said nothing to hide his embarrassment.

Zhao Kuangyin stopped pestering and turned to handsome Zhao Shuo and said, "My son is worthy of my blood, with backbone, ambition and brains. It is a pity that all the humeral cadres have spent their lives in Zhao Gou. They are old and dead, and only Zhang Jun is left. He is ambitious but has no talent. " (Longxing Northern Expedition)

Zhao Shen, Song Xiaozong

Song Xiaozong Zhao Shuo said apologetically, "Sun Tzu is ashamed of not being able to restore his native land in the Central Plains. Take back his ancestral tomb and let his ancestors punish him! " (Song Tingnan crossed, Henan ancestral grave fell into the hands of Jin people)

Zhao Kuangyin stretched out his hand and said, "What did the bodhi old zu punish you? You have done a good job, you don't have to blame yourself. "

Song Xiaozong respectfully prayed to Zhao Tuo, which is called stepping down.

Zhao Guangyi then introduced the frail Song Guangzong Zhao Dun: "Zhao Shuo's third son Zhao Dun. This son is weak and mediocre, governing the country badly, and the harem is also a mess. It can be said that he is another black sheep. " (Hou Li is in charge of politics)

Zhao Kuangyin looked at Zhao Dun, who was sickly, shook his head and sighed: "You are a weak and paranoid child, unfilial to your father, indulgent to your wife, and you are sick yourself. You finally failed your ancestors. "

Zhao Dun, Song Guangzong

Zhao Dun and Song Guangzong, with sad faces, bowed down and repented: "Ancestors are superior, grandchildren are corrupt, grandchildren are incompetent, grandchildren ..." (Zhao Dun, a native of Song Guangzong, has long-term depression, mental illness and morbid thinking and behavior).

See Song Guangzong Zhao Dun seems to have symptoms, Zhao Kuangyin had to wave, motioned for others to help him down to rest.

Zhao Guangyi looked at Zhao Dun in a daze and shook his head. Then he introduced Zhao Kuo of Song Ningzong: "Zhao Kuo is the second son of Zhao Dun. Although this son is not as crazy as his father, he is just as incompetent and has no opinion. He let the powerful ministers manipulate state affairs, which made the internal political situation chaotic and the external situation disastrous one after another. Even things in Chu Jun have not been properly arranged. " (Qingyuan Party Banned, Kathy Northern Expedition)

Schematic diagram of Kathy's northern expedition

Zhao Kuangyin looked at Zhao Kuo with a dignified expression. He has long lost the joy of seeing Zhao Shuo before. He hated: "How come you are not as elegant as your grandfather at all, but like your father, you are all in the clouds, let alone the emperor!"

In a rage, Song Ningzong and Zhao Kuo only said yes, but dared not say anything else.

Then introduced Zhao Yun (yún): "Zhao has no son, Zhao Yun adopted is the ninth grandson of De Zhao, and was established by the history of treacherous court officials. He is incompetent. During his reign, he indulged in debauchery and ignored state affairs, while the country was plagued by traitors. "

Zhao Kuangyin looked at another black sheep covered in blood and clenched his fist with anger: "There are so many children in the younger generation that they are all in a daze! How short-sighted! Send troops to Henan, anticlimactic! The harem is in chaos, the way to take disaster! " (when you are flat, you will swallow the chaos)

Schematic diagram of end-to-end access to Luoyang

Looking at the angry Mao, Zhao Yun, who is vain, repeatedly prostrated himself.

Song Lizong waved Zhao Yun away, and Zhao Guangyi pointed to another person's idea of Song Duzong Zhao Qi: "Zhao Yun has no children, and he took his nephew Zhao Qi as his adopted son. The son is fatuous and dissolute, and the court affairs are all at the mercy of the traitor Jia Sidao. The court affairs are yellow, and there are internal and external troubles. My Dasong is already crumbling in his hands. "

Zhao Kuangyin gritted his teeth and asked, "I heard that you can't manage politics, but you are quite capable of living in the harem. In the end, you died of excessive drinking. You are really my good children and grandchildren! "

Zhao Qi and Song Duzong, crushed by Mao's power, were already sweating with fear: "Grandson is guilty ... Grandson is obsessed with sex, please punish Mao ..."

"Punishment? Ok! " Zhao Kuangyin smiled angrily: "Come on, contact hell and tell me that I applied for the position of iceberg hell, so that my charming children and grandchildren can calm down."

Song Duzong Zhao Qi dared not beg for mercy, but he was finally dragged out.

Zhao Qi, Song Duzong

"Oh, and that Jia Sidao, you can't be lenient!" Zhao Kuangyin told the chamberlain around him.

Then the emperor became a little strange. He dressed up as a monk, and it was Zhao Xian, the Emperor Gongzong of Song Dynasty. Zhao Guangyi said helplessly, "My second son, Zhao Xian, succeeded to the throne at the age of three and was captured by the Yuan Army at the age of five. When he grew up, he didn't know his life experience. As a result, he was tricked into becoming a monk in Tibet by the Yuan Dynasty, but he learned a good Buddhism. "

Zhao Kuangyin looked at Zhao Xian piteously: "Good boy, you have suffered! The previous generations were immoral and incompetent, and finally you got involved. However, I heard that after knowing your life experience, you still dare to publicly reprimand the Yuan Dynasty. With this, you are better than your ancestors! "

Zhao Gongzong of Song Dynasty was obviously filled with tears and choked: "Laozu, grandchild ... grandchild is so sad!"

Schematic diagram of the demise of Yuan Dynasty and Southern Song Dynasty

Zhao Kuangyin breathed a few words of relief, which made Song Gongzong Zhao Xian step down.

Zhao Guangyi led the Song Duanzong Zhao Fang and said, "This is Zhao Qi's eldest son-Zhao Fang. The child is also very poor. At the age of nine, he had to avoid the Yuan Army. He fled at sea for many years and was repeatedly bumped and eventually died on a desert island. "

Zhao Kuangyin looked at Zhao Yun, who was not yet an adult, and sighed: "Another poor boy! From Zhao Dun, Zhao Kuo, Zhao Yun to Zhao Qi, nothing is good! What was the result? Will they feel guilty and regret when they see their children and grandchildren so miserable? Somebody, take these three unpunished bastards to Daoshan hell and let them taste the taste of being possessed by knives and axes! "

Song Guangzong Zhao Dun, Song Ningzong Zhao Kuo and Song Lizong Zhaoyun were dragged out of the temple crying, and there was silence inside.

San huang, the last generation of Southern Song Dynasty

After a while, Zhao Guangyi introduced Zhao Min, the last emperor of the Song Dynasty: "Zhao Min, the third son of Zhao Qi. At that time, Shao Bao Wen Tianxiang was defeated and captured long before. Dasong is at the end of his rope. At the last moment, he fought against Mengyuan on the cliff mountain. In order not to be humiliated alive, Lu Xiufu, the left-hand man, jumped into the sea with 8-year-old Zhao Min on his back, and hundreds of soldiers and civilians also threw themselves into the sea. My death in Dasong was tragic! "

Zhao Kuangyin's chest heaved with anger. He punched the table and said bitterly, "Yuan people are hateful! Black sheep, damn it! It's a pity that I am DaSong! "

Lu Xiufu threw a stone statue of a young master in the Song Dynasty into the sea.

Foundation Awards: Zhao Kuangyin, Song Taizu, Zhao Guangyi, Song Taizong (half reward), Zhao Gou and Song Gaozong (half reward).

British Entrepreneur Awards: Zhao Yong, Song Shenzong, Zhao Xu, Song Zhezong, Zhao Shen, Song Xiaozong.

Shou Wen Cheng Zhi Award: Zhao Heng, Song Zhenzong, Zhao Zhen, Song Renzong.

Compassion and encouragement awards: Song Gongzong Zhao Xian, Song Duanzong Zhao Min and Song Huaizong Zhao Min.

Mediocrity and inaction: Song Yingzong Zhao Shu and Song Qinzong Zhao Huan

Punish Daoshan Hell: Zhao Dun, Song Guangzong, Zhao Kuo, Song Ningzong, Zhao Yun and Song Lizong.

Penalty iceberg hell: Zhao Qi, Song Duzong

Punish the frying pan hell: Evonne, Song Huizong

end

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