Please give me a super funny joke! ! !

2007 slip of the tongue encyclopedia:

Please don’t just copy! ! !

1 A colleague asked me: Is Clinton’s wife Chirac?

2 Once I borrowed money from someone, what I originally wanted to say was "I will pay you back when I withdraw the money." "

Said "I will take it from you when I have the money"

Khan

3 A classmate named Yu Jingbo received a letter one day. The dormitory guard was in the dormitory. The door shouted: Gan Liangpi, Gan Liangpi’s letter!

4 Our Chinese teacher: Please turn the book to 120 yuan

The whole class was stunned, and the teacher was nicknamed "Money Fan" haha

5 One time, a friend was watching a disc at home, and the quality of the disc was not good. A friend said: "Why are there so many Marxes?" It took a while to realize that he meant Masek!

6 When a buddy gets married, give him a red envelope. My friend politely said no.

I said: That’s okay, it’s only once a year, you must take it.

7 The character read "The White-Haired Girl" in junior high school

A boy (Yang Bailao): Pulled two kilograms of red hair rope and tied it up for my Xi'er...

Teacher: It’s not like mummies...

8 When I was getting rice, I pointed at the cauliflower persistently and said: Here are some potatoes.

Auntie asked: Cauliflower?

I continued to point to the cauliflower and said: Potatoes

The aunt asked again: Is it a potato or a cauliflower?

I said anxiously: This is not a potato...oh, cauliflower?

Now that I think about it, it’s enough to make me vomit blood. Sorry, the rice seller

9 When I went to buy pastries, I originally wanted to say, "Two pineapple pies and an egg tart." ", but it turned out to be "Here are two orioles singing egg towers"

What's even more depressing is that the shop owner actually understood...

10 In college, there was a student in our class A girl named Liu Yun. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. On the envelope, there is a horizontal line above the lower half of the word "Yun" in her character "Yun". Because the writing was too sloppy, the horizontal line turned into a dot. As a result, the classmate took the letter and shouted in our corridor, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? I have a letter from you." Everyone in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang (the gangster). As a result, the girl named Liu Yun was helplessly called a gangster for four years.

11 There was a time when there were rats at home, so my mother bought rat medicine to keep the family peaceful, but not a single mouse was killed by the medicine. One day, very early in the morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat medicine in the corner of the door, and said to herself, "Why is no one taking this medicine?~~~" The whole family fainted. . .

12 The English teacher taught grammar and asked everyone before get out of class: "I have finished speaking, does anyone still understand?" We answered in unison: "No!"

13 Raising a glass to the bright moon and bowing my head to think of my hometown

14 Once while playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy a candle and continue fighting. After half an hour, the heat was unbearable. One person said : "Let's turn on the electric fan, it's too hot." Another person said: "Don't turn it on, it will blow out the candle."

15 As the saying goes: murder and arson, debts must be repaid.

16 In the physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, and you humans must stay away from them! !

17 I vomited grape skins when I couldn’t eat grapes

18 I got a call at the company. It was from a clothing company. They kept saying that they had done unified work for a certain big company. Clothing and the like. I caught the other party talking and blurted out: "We don't wear uniforms in our company!"

The other party whispered for a few seconds and then said "Excuse me" and hung up.

19 Our university teacher: I am looking for three classmates, one boy and one girl...

The whole class started to look around, looking for Li Yuchun.

On the 20th, I was returning to the dormitory from self-study in the evening, and I met a fairy girl on the road, so I followed her

I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but had no courage to approach until the fairy girl was about to walk into the girls' building

Clenching his teeth, he stepped forward and asked the girl loudly: Classmate, are you a woman?

Later... later I enjoyed the supercilious looks of that fairy sister for two years

21 When Deng discussed the class, the teacher was very excited: How many heroic children are lingering underground...

The graduation project of 22 students is a phoenix-shaped piece made of red cloth sewn on a black robe-like garment.

The defending teacher asked: Why is the phoenix made of red instead of other colors?

p>

When the classmate got excited, he blurted out: Because the Phoenix is ??burning with desire!! (I guess he meant to say that he was reborn from the ashes). Three seconds later, the classmate who came to watch the defense laughed wildly, and my stomach twisted with laughter!

23 When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked me to carry Mulan Ci (the teacher was more BT), and I was nervous

... When my brother heard that his sister came, he sharpened his knife and went to his parents (pig and sheep)... .....

The whole class burst into laughter, and I laughed too, but I forgot all about it later. Fortunately, the teacher didn’t punish me~~

24 Heaven, Earth, Dou E More unjust than me!

24 I bought WSJ for LP, but after looking at the store for a long time, I didn’t know what to buy, so I just took a pack and asked the store owner: "Boss, is this useful?" The boss (male) was dumbfounded. He looked at me blankly for 5 seconds and said: "I have never used this before!"

25 When I was a child, my father watched me write essays. There was a very simple word written wrong. My father smiled and said to my mother: "I found your son is very stupid." I became anxious and said loudly to my father: "Your son is stupid!" -_-b

26 Soldiers come to block the water with soil and water

27 My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After I paid the money, the person from the bank said, "You don't have enough money. There is a second page here, and you have to pay this one as well."

My mom: What’s on the second page

Staff: sewage

My mom: My family never drinks sewage.

28 When our high school director once again angrily scolded us for not paying attention in class, he said: "If you do this again in the future, don't blame me for turning against me!"

29 Mathematics The teacher's signature move

Raise two fingers and say to the students: "Students, the key to learning mathematics well is three words!!" Practice more! ! ""

30 That day I said that my girlfriend was as stupid as a pig, so she pinched me. It hurt so much, and she never let go. I got anxious and said, "I'll sue your mother for abusing a pig!"

One day on March 31, I went to worship Guanyin with my parents and younger brother

I didn’t wake up for much, so I walked forward and said:

You are suffering. Guanyin Bodhisattva...

Parents: -____-|||

Brother: -____-||||

Bodhisattva: T_____T||| |||

32 When I was taking FoxPro class in my sophomore year, a teacher started to count how many people we had in class,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, hook... (stopped suddenly)

33 One day, my dear mother asked me to buy peppercorns.

Mommy: "Go and buy a pound of peppercorns."

Oops: "One pound! Why buy so much?"

Mommy: " Nonsense~ It’s for cooking!”

I went out to buy it, but when I was leaving, I asked specifically: “Are you sure you want to buy a pound?”

Answer Oh my god, my eyes roll! Sweat...

After arriving at the vegetable market, the more I thought about it, the more wrong I became. Why should I buy a pound of pepper? It’s too much, right? ! Take out your phone—confirm again!

The answer was still the same: a pound of pepper! ! !

A pound of Sichuan peppercorns cost 28 yuan. The boss weighed and bagged them for me.

When I was about to pay, the phone rang~~~Mom? !

Just listen to the roar on the phone: "Wrong! Wrong! It's not a pound, not a pound, it's one tael!!!"

Breaking sweat! ! ! !

34 When I first handed over the apartment, there were many people coming and going, and the security guard would question me every time.

I originally wanted to say that I was the owner, but in the end, I often said that I was the landlord...,

I ran away while the security guard's brain was short-circuited.

35 The person I despise the most is the one who despises others!

1 When I was a child, the TV series "Hunter" and "Rogue Tycoon" were shown, and an old woman in the yard said: "Tonight

Staging "Rogue Hunter." . . . . .

2 A colleague I didn’t know well was chatting with me. The content of the conversation was extremely boring. He kept talking about what was going on with his girlfriend.

I was speechless. ,,,After he spoke for a long time, he looked at me,,,,which may mean that after he said so much, I should express my opinion,

,,,

For a moment, I really didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out and asked: Is your girlfriend a girl?

I was so cold for a long time!!!!

3 A teacher in junior high school When talking about the ancient Babylonian civilization and the Sumerians, the history teacher excitedly said, "There are still Shuermei people from the Mesopotamia", and he fainted with laughter on the spot.

4 We were buying pot helmets to eat together, and a certain man came forward: Boss, here are two steel helmets!

(If you have good teeth, you will have a good appetite, and it will taste good when you eat it...)

5 In high school, there was a classmate named Huang Jiajian

One day in class there was no When the old class entered the classroom and saw that his seat was empty, he asked: Yi, where is Huang Jiajian?

The whole class laughed and called him the Huang family bitch from now on.

6 In the past, when the exam teacher handed out papers, the girl behind him took an extra sheet and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it."

The boy sitting next to him said "It's mine, it's mine." The whole class was shocked~~~

7 I worked in the factory two years ago. One day I went to the branch factory with my master (who was actually 1 year older than me) to do some work. , the material clerk was an eldest sister of more than 40 years old, her surname was Dong. After finishing the work, my master was very polite and wanted to say: Sister Dong, let’s go. But it turned out to be: "Understood

Ah."

8 One time, I went to buy breakfast. When I was queuing up, I found that the usually stern boss was also queuing up, so I was very nervous

and said hello. Finally, I mustered up the courage to say to the chef: "Master, please give me a cup of steamed buns and two breasts!"~

~~~~Woo~~ It was the first time in two years to hear the boss laugh so loudly~~~ Depressing ~~~

9 My friend’s child is half a year old. I called to care about it. After a few words of greeting, he said: Is your child eating human milk or yours now? Milk

10 One evening, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning"...

11 In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly: "Today I will watch The midnight version of the American Ring!"

12 When I went to buy watermelons that day, I heard someone asking the melon seller: Does your watermelon have a peel?

13 A farmer was drying wheat in the yard, and a few chickens came to peck at it. The farmer swept and scratched the chickens, and he swept and scratched again. He couldn't bear it

and yelled: "You bad guys." , I scratch, you sweep, I scratch, you sweep.

"

14 One day I went shopping and felt urgent to urinate. I found an Internet cafe in front of me. I rushed through the door and shouted to the network administrator: Where is the toilet in your hut

?

15 When I was buying food in the canteen, I saw the tofu skin that I had been coveting for a long time. I excitedly told the waiter that I would like some potato skins, which shocked everyone around me.

16 Due to a business trip opportunity, I had to go to the Bank of China to repair equipment. After getting into a taxi from the hotel, I said to the female driver: "Go to the Bank of China and find a hardware store to buy some." Knife "Sweat! I meant to buy a screwdriver at that time.

I didn't notice that I said it wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said aggrievedly: "Brother, I have to get off work.

Take a taxi again." I was very angry at that time and said viciously: "Why are you parking your car in the hotel when you get off work?

? "The female driver looked at me and said I was about to collapse: "Brother, after buying the knife, I don't need the money for the car. You can find another one." faint!!!

Then I realized that I was wrong and quickly explained. I have been waiting for a long time, and now I feel sorry for the female driver when I think about it.

17 The politics teacher once said during a lecture: "Let me give you an example." Then he felt it was wrong and said:

"Give me an example"

18 I remember that in "Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty" Zhang Qian came back from the Western Regions and brought new iron-making materials to make a good sword.

, Liu Che brought it to Li Guang. Li Guang kept repeating:

Your Majesty, the sword is good (cheap), Your Majesty, the sword is good (cheap)...

Speechless...

19 What a good donkey.

20 When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked the translator: Who is this man?

A classmate translated: Whose is this? Man? The whole class laughed, and the teacher was speechless

21 The last time I went to McDonald’s, I said to the salesperson: I want a bag of potato chips, but they said they don’t have any.

I didn’t have any pictures, so I turned around and left. .

The girl behind me had a pants-shaped pencil case on the table. When I turned around, the pencil case fell off. /p>

Said: "MM, your pants are off"

23 I remember meeting a dog on the road, and the girl next to me shouted in surprise: Oh, there is no dog in that tail!

23 Too much sunbathing.

24 I remember when I was a child, I went to buy round plastic bullets in toy guns and said directly to the old man in the toy store: buy

a pack of plastic bullets. (Round) Bullet!

25 My classmate explained to me how to call a certain inquiry phone number

I wanted to ask if the person answering the phone was a real person or a voice, but he said: " Is the person who answers the phone alive or dead?

"

26 Carrying a lot of things, gg and I were looking for a place to store bags at the train station.

A patrol officer came face to face, and gg immediately stepped forward and asked politely: "Can I ask where the bags are buried? How to get there? "

27 During the politics class, we talked about Sino-Japanese political issues and talked about Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section.

The teacher introduced: "Japanese samurai all had caesarean sections before they died~~~ "

28 Once I called a customer named Wang. The person who answered the switchboard was a girl with a very sweet voice. She told me

his extension number. I don’t have it. Knowing whether the person named Wang I was looking for was a man or a woman, I asked by the way, "Is he a male gentleman or a female gentleman?" "

29 When I was in college, a classmate of mine had just bought a mobile phone and applied for a mobile card. He called the 1860 man desk to inquire. I was excited

: May I ask about your local transportation business? . , from the speakerphone we actually heard the receptionist say politely: Our whole dormitory burst into laughter

30. My classmate went to work in a fish market. When a customer took the picked fish, my classmate pointed to the fish killing table and said to him very gently: "Go over there, there is someone there. Will kill you. . .

"

31 Yesterday, someone asked me to introduce a girlfriend to me. I originally wanted to ask "Is it beautiful?", but ended up saying "Is it cheap?". I'm so sweaty!

32 The teacher told us: "Be more honest when riding in the car during the spring outing. Don't throw your head and arms out all the time. . . "

33 My husband is very thin. Once I was anxious and said, "Husband, you look as skinny as a pig!" "

34 One day I went to the famous Daqiao Road food store in Tianjin to buy food. Almost every time I bought wife cakes to eat

! But that day I saw a new one I planted a slightly smaller cake, and the appearance was basically the same, but I was not sure, so I asked the salesperson: "Is this a little wife cake?"

The whole crowd turned their heads.

35 My cousin’s family runs a kindergarten. Once she was in an emergency and asked me to help her take care of the children for an hour, play games and tell stories

It was the first time for me to face more than ten children. A child, too nervous, tongue-tied: "Children, today my aunt will tell you a story about "Aladdin" (Aladdin and the Magic Lamp)...

36 Concave out, convex in...

37 Original broadcast script: Two gangsters injured me 110 police officers and then fled

The announcer read: Two gangsters injured me 100 Ten police officers fled afterward

(The reincarnation of Huang Feihong!)

38 When I was in high school, I was in the same class with my younger brother, and he sat right behind me

One night our geography teacher asked us: Which of you is the sister? Who is the younger brother? I was dumbfounded at that time

39 After returning to the dormitory after buying Liangpi, I wandered around to other dormitories and came back to find that my roommate was eating my Liangpi.

When they saw me coming back, one of them said to me: Why did you come back? The cold skin is getting cold!

40 I wanted to drink soda that day, so I hurried a few steps towards the cold drink stand to ask for a bottle of soda. Unexpectedly, I saw the beer in front of me. I

hurriedly said: "Boss, come on." Bottle of water, boss………………

41 Just now a colleague was reading the newspaper and asked, “Yesterday, how many times did the Chinese team win one to one? China was only one, and how could Singapore not be the same?

Can't come up with a negative number

42 There used to be a game called "Red Dead Redemption" on the Famicom, and Europeans usually called it "Red Dead Redemption"

43 Yes Narrator: Break out of Asia, break out of the world!

44 Once, my husband and I had a fight, and he called me: “Pig! "I scolded him: "You are a pig's husband. . . "The scolding

I really feel like a pig after all.

45 One of our colleagues said a classic saying to the examiner when he went to take the driver's license test:

Report Appearance, the examiner is normal~~~~~~

46 I remember one time, I went to KFC with a girl, and while we were waiting in line, I heard her mumbling something like a chicken leg guy

Burger, a pair of chicken wings..., it was her turn finally, and she made everyone laugh as soon as she opened her mouth. She wanted to say, "Miss, let's have a chicken drumstick burger," but she couldn't In the mouth, it actually became "shank, let's have a burger"

47 College classmates were gathering in Forest Park. When the time came and everyone was ready to eat, two boys volunteered to go to the canteen to buy beer.

The monitor thought. Reminding them to buy beer and cans, probably because they had been chatting about international affairs, the squad leader stood up and shouted: "I want the beer to come from Iraq~~~"

We poured it all Yes, the two boys are crazy.

My 48-year-old girl told me about KFC’s new “bone-and-flesh” (skewered meat with crispy bones) and asked me to take her to eat it. During those few days

It was so hot in Beijing that I fainted. Feeling groggy, I arrived at the restaurant and said to the smiling KFC lady: Please give me two "bloody meat", thank you! .............

I am so embarrassed -_-!

49 I have always been very busy at work. On Valentine's Day, I got off work late and hurriedly went to buy flowers. My wife was cooking at home and waiting.

I called and asked when I would be back. Home, I lied to my wife and said it would take a long time. When I heard her not happy to hang up the phone, I said to myself, I’ll give you a surprise... I bought flowers and hurriedly bought chocolates. , I hurried to take a taxi, but couldn’t get one for a long time

Finally I found a taxi, got home, hurried upstairs, quietly opened the door, and saw my wife in the kitchen, I felt warm and jumped

I went over, raised the flowers, and said to my wife tremblingly and affectionately...Merry Christmas! ! ! ! ! !