A joke about Lian

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

The blind man stuttered when riding a bike, stuttering to see the road, and suddenly saw a deep ditch, stuttering and exclaiming: ditch! ! ! The blind man sang back, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" " "So they fell into the ditch.

A swimming coach is shopping in the mall. A beautiful lady greeted him. He looked intently and found that it was one of his students. He then said loudly, "You really didn't recognize you when you put on your clothes!"

A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know, just arrived!

It is said that on a dark night, on the longest and scariest road, a taxi driver drove there and a woman waved to get on the bus by the roadside. It was quiet all the way until the woman spoke. She said to the driver, "Apples are delicious for you …" The driver thought it was great, so he took it and took a bite. The woman asked, "Is it delicious?" The driver said, "Delicious!" The woman replied, "I remember I liked apples before my death ..." Wow ...&; * $ # @ ... When the driver heard this, he was scared into an ambulance, and his face turned white ... Only the woman slowly tilted her head to the front and said to the driver, "But I don't like eating after giving birth! ……"

Yesterday, I dreamed of God, who said he could grant me a wish. I took out my globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. I took out your photo and said I want this person to look good. He pondered and said, take the globe and let me have a look.

Do you remember when we ate roast duck together? You like eating duck's ass. As soon as the food is served, you grab it and stuff it in your mouth like an arrow. I whispered: why can't I see the duck's ass? You proudly pointed to your mouth and said, this is your ass!

Piggy set up a club and said, members should call me piggy's nickname! Dog: Call me puppy! Kitten: Call me kitten! The chicken blushed and said calmly, it's really boring. Go first!

College entrance examination chemistry questions: A and B can be transformed into each other, B can generate C in boiling water, C can be oxidized into D in air, and D has.

The smell of rotten eggs. What is ABCD?

My answer: A is a chicken, B is a raw egg, C is a cooked egg, and D is of course a rotten egg! (this group of XX! )

Beijingers, French and Americans are walking in the desert together. They are dying of thirst. Suddenly, three people found a magic lamp and pulled out a magic lamp. He said, "I can grant each of you three wishes." The Americans said first, "I want a box of dollars", "There are two more", "Well, another box of dollars", "The last one" and "Well, the last one is to send me back to America". Whew, the Americans disappeared and the French were anxious. I want a beautiful woman, well, I want another beautiful woman, another one, give me a bottle of Erguotou, make two more wishes, another bottle of Erguotou and another one. Beijingers saw that it was boring for a person to drink two bottles of wine, so they said, "bring them back and drink with me." Hoo, the Americans and the French are back.

So the three of them walked on, but fortunately they found the magic lamp and pulled out a magic lamp. "Ha ha, I am the younger brother of the magic lamp just now, and the magic is not that high. I can only satisfy two wishes of each of you. " The French and Americans thought about it this time, but it was useless to say anything. If they let him get it back, they will die. Let him speak first, so they pushed Beijing to the front. Beijingers say, "First." Beijing touched his head with wine and thought for a while, but didn't speak for a long time. The French and Americans were anxious and urged him to say, "Speak quickly." So the Beijinger suddenly said, "Well, I have nothing else to do. Go home." Whew, the ghost went back.

1 children and cats

The children sit at home and eat. The cat came up to him, mewing. The child threw a piece.

The meat was given to the cat, and the cat ate it and Mimi.

The child threw it another piece, and it ate it and called it "Mimi".

The child was angry, stood up and said loudly, "You sit in my seat and make me Mimi."

Whew, you give me meat to eat! "

What is "but"

Pupils are telling a story: "A cat becomes a tiger when it sees a mouse, but it becomes a tiger when it sees a tiger."

Turned into a mouse ... "

He's human. What does this "but" mean?

He wanted to think, replied:

"This is an animal bigger than a cat and smaller than a tiger."

3 bet

Two friends are betting.

"I dare say, you don't have the guts to go into that black house alone!"

"You said I don't have the guts? Then come with me and I'll show you! "

Tie your shoelaces.

In the street, a little girl walked up to an uncle in police uniform and looked her up and down.

, carefully asked:

"Are you a policeman?"

"yes."

"Mom said that no matter what difficulties she encountered, she would get help from the police. Yes

Really? "

"Yes!"

"Well," the little girl raised one foot, "please help me tie my shoelaces."

5. Babies in the womb

A pregnant woman was walking on the road when a little girl came over and asked her, "Aunt, yours."

Why is the belly so big? "

"Because I have a baby in my belly!"

"Aunt, are you afraid of trouble?"

"ah? Why? "

"You put the child in your stomach because you think it is inconvenient to hold him."

1 notification

"What's wrong with you today? What have you been fiddling with it for so long? " Father said, from

The son grasped the notice in his hand and turned it over. There is a teacher's comment on writing on it: "Class.

Shoot slingshots, put bugs in classmates' pockets ... talk to parents. "

"What kind of person will you become when you do all this at school?" Pass it from father to son

Roar fiercely.

"Dad, this is not my notice. I found it in your old box. "

Two methods

A mother educated her 7-year-old son. She said to her son, "There is no seat in your car."

Here we are. At this time, an old lady wanted to get on the bus. What would you do? "

"I shouted at her: Go down and wait for the next one! There are no seats left, little man. "

3 Not afraid of ghosts

One day, Xiao Yang took his children to Wuzhishan to play. Children are running around in the mountains. small

Yang was afraid that the child was in danger, so he frightened him and said, "Don't run around, or there will be ghosts eating people here."

The child immediately replied: "I am not afraid of ghosts. You forget, the uncles and aunts next door told you to gamble.

Ghosts; Mother calls me a child; Grandma called grandpa a heavy smoker; Mom calls you a slacker; You scold mom.

Mom is a dead ghost. I deal with ghosts every day. I'm afraid of ghosts! "

Buy it next time.

Dad: "If you can get over 95% in this exam, I'll buy you a violin. …

Dad, the test paper was handed out, and I got 96 points. "

Dad: "Good. Well, good ... "

Son: "Then give me a violin!" " ! …

Dad: "Money is tight this month, so I will buy it next month."

Son: "This is the second exam, take a look."

Dad: "Ah! ? Only got 59 points? You ... "

Son: "The score is tight this time, let's talk about it next time."

5 why?

Child: "Dad, what kind of cigarette is this?"

Dad: "Remember, it's the chimney that smokes."

Child: "Call, I know! Dad, why don't you call your nose chimney? "

Dad: "..."

Study on "deciduous chemistry"

In a restaurant.

A customer, carrying a plate of jiaozi, turned from the sales window and said with a smile, "I am."

I like wonton very much! "

Another customer declared with a bowl of wonton: "I like to drink noodles!" "

The customers were shocked, and one of them explained seriously, "They!"

They are all very good at studying the chemical composition of food. "

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A "hygienic" kitchen

After dinner, a customer called the restaurant owner. "Congratulations, sir, your kitchen here is very sanitary!" "Thank you, Sir ... I'll try my best. However, I ask, you have never visited my kitchen, how can you boast that it is very sanitary here? " "Oh, it's very simple. Everything I just ate here smells like soap. "

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"Partner Training Store"

A: "What's your occupation?" B: "I opened a' foreign goods store'." A: "Why not sell domestic products?" B: "I don't sell foreign goods, they are all domestic products. Because my business is not good, I can't make money, but I support a few guys, so I call it a' partner shop'. "

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"King Zhuang" gave a banquet.

"I heard that your restaurant opened yesterday. How many tables have you opened? " "Just open a table." "A table can also earn it 560?" "earn? I lost more than 100 yuan! " "How can you lose it?" "You don't know, I gave a banquet in Chu Zhuangwang and invited five tyrants!"

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10 minutes 30 years

The window of the cashier's office. The payer couldn't help saying, "I've been standing at your window for 10 minutes." The payee replied slowly, "I have been sitting behind the window for 30 years."

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Cold shrinkage of steamed stuffed bun

Customer: "Why is your 1 steamed stuffed bun so small?" Shop assistant: "It was quite big when it first came out." Customer: "Why is it smaller now?" Salesman: "Don't you understand that heat expands and cold contracts?"

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People in steamed stuffed bun

A man is eating steamed buns in a restaurant. He was eating when he suddenly shouted, "Oh, there is someone in this steamed stuffed bun!" " "When the customers heard the news, they all gathered around to see the surprise. The waiter was very angry and said, "You are afraid you are crazy! "! Where are the people in the steamed stuffed bun? "The man said," You said there was no one in the steamed stuffed bun. How can someone's hair be in the stuffing? "

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Thick skin of steamed stuffed bun

Customer: "Boss, is there a drilling team near here?" Boss: "Why do you ask this?" Customer: "I want to drill it and see where the stuffing is."

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Taste changing mouth

A pepper vendor saw a man with a Hunan accent coming over and shouted, "Come quickly if you want to buy peppers. If they are not spicy, they will be free!" "Hunan guests bought a catty and left. At this time, a Shanghainese came to buy it, and the stall owner shouted: "My pepper is not spicy at all, but it is sweet. "Shanghai guests are buying, and when they see Hunan people coming back, they say that your peppers are sweet and I don't want them." The peddler argued, "This pepper is not fresh. Eat spicy food, eat spicy food, and eat sweet food. A passer-by from Guangdong listened and said with a smile, "I don't want Chili." Can I buy your stinking mouth? "? !" A burst of laughter broke out in the street.

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No disinfection is needed.

Customer: "Do you always sterilize this tableware?" Shop assistant: "I have never loaded drugs, so all drugs have been eliminated!" " "

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To classify or arrange in pairs or groups.

"Uncle, I want to buy a copy of Childhood." "Buy with different books." "What book is it with?" "An old world."

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hairstyle

Barber: "What kind of hairstyle do you want to cut?" Young man: "You should have the most eye-catching hairstyle." Barber: "That's good! I will shave your head. "

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Preventive inoculation

Customer: "Why hasn't my order arrived yet?" Attendant: "please wait a little longer, sir." The dish is ready. " Customer: "It's all done, so why should I wait?" Waiter: "Because there are a few flies in the dish, wait until you get vaccinated."

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Local snack

Customer: "When you sell food in the street, you should add a dust cover." Salesman: "No, I sell all local snacks."

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Send small fresh meat.

Diners smiled: "I didn't seem to order a fly when I ordered it!" " "The waiter is calm," but no extra money is needed. "

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Put up a signboard

What Bao Xiao did was so funny that he got the nickname "Mr. Funny". He works as a waiter in a hotel. One morning, he went to hang a signboard, and accidentally, the signboard fell by half. The shopkeeper said angrily, "It was careless, damn it!" " Mr. Funny said unhurriedly, "Master, you are about to open a branch, which is a good sign!" "Congratulations!" The host began to laugh.

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Lihai news

A man went to the market to buy fish. He picked up a fish from the fish stall and put it on his nose to smell it. The fish seller was afraid that he would smell that his fish was not fresh and said angrily, "Sir, it doesn't matter if you don't buy fish. What do you smell? " He replied, "I don't smell it. I'm talking to the fish. " "What did you talk to the fish?" "I asked the fish, is there any news in the sea recently?" "How did the fish answer you?" "The fish replied that it doesn't know the news in the sea because it has been at sea for a long time!"

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Good radio

You once told me that I could receive all the radio stations with this radio. "A man complained in an electronics store." Why? Can't you hear me? ""yes, but always at the same time. "

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Pay more electricity charges

Customer: "Why, this room is 20 yuan?" The room conditions are so bad that I can't sleep at night. In order to kill time, I have to get up and read. Inn owner: "ah, so you have to pay 50 cents for electricity!" " "

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Magical use of lifebuoy

A swimmer: "The lifebuoy produced in your factory made me learn to swim quickly." Director: "Thank you very much." Swimmer: "Don't be modest. The lifebuoy produced by your factory collapsed at the sight of water, so I had to swim hard and soon learned to swim. "

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crack a joke

Some boys, who think they are adults, go to the barber shop to shave. Once, a boy walked into a barber shop and asked the barber to shave him. The barber asked him to sit down, soaped his face and left it alone. The boy was impatient and shouted, "Hey, why did you lock me up here?" The barber replied, "I'm waiting for your beard to grow."

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Can return

A salesman of a plastic factory introduced to guests from all over the country at a national order meeting: "The printed film poncho produced by our factory is durable and fashionable." As he spoke, he took out a poncho and put it on his body. Suddenly, he found that the poncho on his shoulder was broken. He just smiled and continued unhurriedly: "Did you see it?" We can return a bad one like this. "

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Kuda

Female guest: "Your bread is very small. You can swallow it in one bite. " Shopkeeper: "Can you swallow this bread in one gulp? I am afraid it is not bread. "

Easy to learn

Customer: "Is Pipa easy to learn?" I want to buy one. "Shop assistant:" It's easy to learn, and it rings as soon as you play. "Buy one!"

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The missing golden rooster

A customer went to a big restaurant for dinner, and bought a plate of fried bamboo shoots with golden rooster for 50 cents with 4 yuan money, but there was not even a small piece of chicken skin on the plate. The customer came to the manager with a plate in his hand and said, "Comrade, please borrow a magnifying glass." "For what?" The manager asked puzzled. The customer replied, "I want to look for the missing golden rooster in the bamboo forest."

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Seek the secret

A man came to the fritters stand and said to his master, "Ah! Fried dough sticks, how much oil do you need a day! ? "The host said," How can fried fritters be fried without oil? " "What a waste, what a pity." "Unfortunately, you have to fry it. How to fry fritters without oil? " "I have been selling fritters for generations, and I never have to fry them." The host wanted to get his secret, so he invited him to dinner and treated him politely. After drinking enough Fan Fan, he whispered to his master, "My family has been selling fried dough sticks for generations, so there is no need to fry them." Hearing this, the master was dumbfounded.

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vulgar person

Customer: "Why does this TV always shake after it is repaired?" Repairman: "Then you are an amateur. It was taken during the earthquake. "

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Wan Li Xiang

Customer: "What! This perfume is not fragrant at all? " Shop assistant: "Don't you know it's called Wan Li Xiang? It smells like a Wan Li. "

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smiling service

A: "Why is the shop assistant wearing a photo on his chest?" B: "Smile service!" A: "What does this have to do with wearing photos?" B: "Don't you see that everyone in that photo is laughing!" "

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Why is the face swollen?

A saw a vendor with a black face and a swollen face, walking quickly with a burden on his back, and asked B what was going on. B said, "This is a peach seller. He once swore to customers: "The peaches I sell are precious and sweet. If it's not sweet, you throw it in my face. "

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atheist

Customer: "Miss, you posted on this wall that the customer is God, but your service attitude is not like this. Are your words and deeds different? " Attendant: "That was posted by the manager. I am an atheist and don't believe in God at all. "

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gruel

"This porridge how so thin! There is no taste at all, 2 cents a bowl, too cheat people. " "You don't know that things are rare! A bowl of twenty cents is cheaper for you. "

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Do what you think is appropriate.

Son: "Dad, a customer asked if the shirts we sold shrunk?" Father: "Does the shirt he picked fit?" Son: "No, it's a little big." Father: "Then tell him that the shirt has shrunk."

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Xinbin restaurant

"Why is this hotel called Xinbin Hotel?" "Because it is the first time to eat here." "Are you so sure?" "Dare, because people who have eaten here will never come again!"

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Television maintenance

In the TV maintenance department. Sorry, sir, it's too late to repair your TV set today. "Then what shall I do tonight?" "Give you two sleeping pills!"

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modify

Shopkeeper: "This is the most popular style recently. If you are uncomfortable, you can change it voluntarily. " G: "sorry! Please modify the price list! "

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There's a difference.

There is a grocery store. Every weekend, there is always a sign that says, "Take stock at the weekend and close for one day." The surrounding residents are extremely dissatisfied with this. One day, the salesman hung this sign outside the door, and several people talked about the big day together. Just then, someone knocked at the door. The salesman was furious, opened the door and shouted at the people outside: "Why, didn't you see the sign?" Take a day off! " "Rest?" The person who knocks at the door is not to be outdone. "Look at your sign." The salesman looked at the sign and suddenly froze. I didn't know who changed a punctuation mark on the sign, but the notice became like this: "Stop inventory at the weekend and open for one day."

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achieve many purposes at one stroke

Customer: "You have repaired this radio twice. Why is it still the same?"? Listen. " Repairman: "What's wrong with this? It is both music and recitation. Kill two birds with one stone. You should be the kind of prose with music! " "

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It's been identified

Customer: "How did your food go bad?" Shopkeeper: "How come? The epidemic prevention station has been confirmed. If you don't believe it, you can call the epidemic prevention station. " Customer: "Hello, epidemic prevention station?" The meat in Lilai Inn is delicious, and they are still selling it. "Epidemic Prevention Station:" We just identified it yesterday and tasted it with our own eyes. The color, fragrance and taste are good. Maybe you have a cold! " "

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Anyone with good grades can be admitted.

A shop needs a salesperson, and the manager takes the exam himself. Manager: "If the customer wants to buy 1 kg snacks, how many grams should he be given?" Applicant: "945g" Manager: "Good answer, you are accepted."

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Find a hair clipper.

Customer: "I had my hair cut once, but you charged me from 5 yuan. I have almost no hair on my head! " ! Most of the money was collected. "Barber:" Not much, not much. I don't charge you for a haircut. I'm looking for a haircut. It took me a lot of time! " "

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Just enough fire.

Salesman: "Why did you move the cooker to the counter?" Chef: "I think your anger is just right!" " "

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evidence

Woman: "Is this shrimp fresh?" Old man selling fish: "Fresh! Look, isn't it alive? " Woman: "But you are still alive!" "

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Belong to meat

"Eight kinds of non-staple food prices have been adjusted. How did my price increase when I went to take a shower? " "You belong to meat."

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fresh

Diner: "Why is this bowl full of mud?" Waiter: "This is the freshest dish, just fished out of the mud." -youth finishing.

1: Zhang Sanfeng takes medicine.

Mr Zhang Sanfeng had a bad cold the day before yesterday. After seeing the patient, the doctor handed him a prescription for good medicine:

"Please put this prescription away. Eat once every morning for three days. "

When Mr Zhang Sanfeng came home, he carefully cut the prescription into three parts.

He eats one on time every morning.

It is said that he feels much better today, but his stomach is a little uncomfortable.

2. Zhang Sanfeng chat room bubble MM clip.

Zhang Sanfeng: Well, you are as beautiful as a flower.

Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: Well, you are as gentle as the moon.

Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: Well, you are as pure as holy water.

Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: Well, can you marry me?

You are as wordy as my husband!

Zhang Sanfeng: # $ $%&; %^*^&； (& amp*)*(_#%%^^

3. The reason why Sanfeng is late

One day, Sanfeng was late for work. When the manager asked him why he was late, he said, "I was in a hurry when I brushed my teeth this morning."

The toothpaste I squeezed out was more than 40 centimeters long, and it took more than an hour to get it back slowly! "

4: Sanfeng Hotel

Mr. Sanfeng has long wanted to taste the taste of staying in a grand hotel. He saved enough money, checked in at the hotel and set off according to the route pointed out by the waiter.

Go in with enthusiasm.

But after a while, he turned back and became angry: "I don't live. What house is that?" Let me pay a high price to live in such a bowl

I won't do it in a room with a big cupboard and only folding chairs! "

The waiter smiled and said, "Sir, you are mistaken. That's the elevator. "

At five o'clock, Sanfengchu went online.

Mr. Sanfeng bought a computer and took it home to set it up one by one according to the instructions for accessing the network. Then he excitedly clicked the mouse and went online! Huh?

Wrong password! Reset or password error. I have no choice but to go to the computer store by bike for advice.

The waitress asked, "Did you put a P before entering the user name?"

Mr. Sanfeng realized that there was such a rule,

If you want to surf the Internet, you have to fart in front of your own name (P).

6. Zhang Sanfeng buys shoes.

Mr Zhang Sanfeng bought a new pair of shoes, but he didn't wear them. A week later, I asked him, "Why are you?"

Not wearing those shoes? ""You can wear it tomorrow. When buying shoes, the salesman said to me, first,

These shoes will pinch a little next week. "

Teacher Zhang Sanfeng is going to wear new shoes and soak MM in the chat room tomorrow. I hope the shoes fit.

7: Sanfeng Dating Encounter

Mr. Sanfeng asked MM out for dinner this weekend. ...

Sanfeng: What do you want to eat? ...

anyway ...

Sanfeng: Then let's eat steak. ...

No ... it's too fishy to eat ...

Sanfeng: Then go and eat vegetarian food. ...

No ... it's too monotonous to eat that ...

Sanfeng: Let's have some meat and rice. ...

No ... eating that is boring. ...

Sanfeng: Let's eat Japanese food. ...

No ... it's too expensive to eat that ...

Sanfeng: Let's go to McDonald's. ..

No ... eating that is too nutritious. ...

Later ... Sanfeng couldn't stand it any longer ... He asked loudly:

What are you going to eat? ...

I'm a little embarrassed to see mm. ...

A little shy and said, "Whatever! ! ! "

8: Sanfeng cuts the hard disk

The first day:

Sanfeng: Dance MM! My computer has just been formatted, please help me with it!

Dance MM: Your hard disk has a lot of space. Well, it would be better to divide it into two or three pieces. Do you have tools?

Sanfeng: Of course!

Dance MM: I'm not available now. Do it yourself first.

The next day:

Sanfeng computer desk is full of kitchen knives, fruit knives and watermelon knives. ...

Hard disk fragments. Poor Sanfeng made them himself.

9: Zhang Sanfeng borrows donkeys

Sanfeng's relatives in the country wanted to borrow a donkey from Sanfeng to pull the mill, so the trustee sent Sanfeng a letter to borrow the donkey. Mr. Sanfeng is accompanying the guests. He pretends to read the letter for fear that the guests will know that they can't read. He kept nodding while watching, then looked up and said to the bearer, "I see, I'll go by myself later."

10: Zhang Sanfeng's adopted son.

Zhang Sanfeng took his five-year-old son home from the bus ... "Mom" The son said to his mother, "Just now, when I was on the bus, my father told me to get up and make way for a beautiful aunt. Mommy said, "Dad, this is right. This is to teach you manners. A man should give his seat to a woman. The son said, "But I am sitting on my father's lap! 」