Anonymous Zhihu respondent: I am me first, then my mother and daughter

1

In the past few days, the circle of friends has been flooded with a highly praised article by an anonymous mother on Zhihu. The title is "Why do many girls hate having children?" 》

In the article, the author talks about her painful experience of being given birth to a child by her parents, in-laws, and her husband in turns using extreme methods, as well as her "revenge" of giving birth to a child under high pressure, and then using the child to suppress the five family members. "process.

The reason why this article became popular overnight is that the author’s approach is really subversive. There are few people who can have her courage and willingness to risk her life as much as she wants.

After reading her article, I felt like a refreshing breeze was blowing on my face. In this world, there are always some people who live the life you have always wanted to live but cannot. She lived exactly the life I wanted: to have a family, a child, a career, and still be a colorful girl.

It is not difficult to tell from between the lines of her words that this must be a girl who has been very happy since she was a child, because there is a natural and unadded happiness and joy jumping around.

From beginning to end, I didn’t feel the “revenge” and “joke” mentality mentioned by the trolls in the comments, and I didn’t even see a single complaint.

What she did was indeed an eccentric and bizarre approach, but it was indeed the best way to solve the problem: her family’s wishes were met, and she herself only made compromises that were within her ability to bear. , without sacrificing too much.

At the end of the article, the author said that after giving birth to a child, her relationship with her husband, mother, and mother-in-law has become better and better; the person the child likes the most is also someone with a positive attitude, the least trivial things, and the least negative emotions. She and even her father and father-in-law also reflected on themselves in the process of raising children, and deeply realized their wife's dedication and sacrifice in the family.

Everyone is happy.

2

Naturally, the comment section exploded. Some support, some oppose, some admire and some criticize. Of course, the unlimited trolls will not miss this opportunity to join in the fun.

The sentence that makes me think the most is, "She is not a mother, she just gave birth to a child."

What is the definition of mother?

I deliberately opened the "Modern Chinese Dictionary", and the explanation inside is: A woman with children is the mother of her children.

In other words, even if she gave birth to a child without raising her, even if her conduct was despicable, even if she tortured and abused her child all day long, even if she sold her child to human traffickers after birth, she was still a mother. There is no doubt about this.

I can also understand that the reader who said that the author is not a mother probably defines mother with a series of adjectives like this: hard-working and kind-hearted, meticulous, wearing the stars and the moon, getting up early and being greedy at night, hardworking and uncomplaining, enduring hardships, and working hard. To sum up, Two words: great.

——This is our composition routine in elementary school, and it is also the code of conduct that women have always practiced in the past. It is also the understanding and requirements of women by a large number of people, especially straight men.

For women, the price behind it is: losing themselves and spending their entire lives fulfilling their husbands and children.

In other words, women in the past never had time to think or feel about the question "what is the self?"

So, when women began to search for themselves and fulfill themselves, straight men panicked and became angry; some women also felt that this idea was too advanced and scary, and they were timid and suspicious. .

You cannot be a wife who is dedicated to doing laundry, cooking, caring for her husband and raising children like other wives, you are not qualified! You cannot be a mother like me who gives up yourself and only focuses on your children. You are not great!

Just like the author's family, readers also have their own opinions and thoughts. Some people see their filial piety from the author's disobedience; some see their greatness from her "irresponsibility"; some show their selflessness by criticizing her selfishness.

On the contrary, I think she is filial and responsible.

"There are three kinds of unfilial piety, the worst is not having children." This is the view held by her parents and in-laws. The four old people have always hoped that the incense will continue. And even though she had the idea of ??"divorce as a big deal", she finally made a concession and gave birth to a child to satisfy everyone's wishes. For the four old people, having children is the greatest filial piety. Compared to the fact that she didn't have a child and made the whole family feel ashamed and angry, the hard work and fatigue of raising a child was just a sweet burden.

She said, "I don't think you should consider other people's feelings too much as a person. If you do everything to make others happy, you will eventually lose yourself and be looked down upon and despised by others. You will also say that I am cheap." This is taking responsibility for yourself.

She also said, "Honestly, I don't have any expectations for my children, such as being filial to me, supporting my parents, carrying on the family line, bringing glory to the family, and fulfilling my unfulfilled wishes in this life. Go to hell. I just hope that this child can find his own life and find his own value in life. This is enough. I hope that he can do better than me and not be kidnapped by others with morality. Others. "This is responsible for the child.

3

When it comes to raising children, it is not the best way for the mother to take full responsibility for all the trivial matters.

In the growth of a child, the mother is the only role that cannot be absent. The quality of the mother's companionship when the child is young determines the child's lifelong character and quality of life.

Some stay-at-home mothers seem to be with their children 24 hours a day, but most of their energy is taken away by trivial matters, and what is left for their children is often low-quality companionship.

Many mothers will scold their children loudly when they wake up countless times at night to breastfeed due to lack of sleep; they will also break down when faced with endless housework and vent their emotions on their children. This has a bad impact on children.

A family always has endless housework to do; a child always has endless eating, drinking, crying, pooping and peeing. For a child, it makes no difference whether the mother washes the diapers or the aunt washes them; but whether the mother is happy or angry is a big deal.

It would be best if there are elderly people at home who can help with housework; if not, try to ask an aunt or hourly worker to help you share the burden, so that you can give your children a brilliant mother at all times. With enough positive energy, no matter what difficulties he encounters in the future, the sun will shine in his heart.

4

The author emphasizes many times in the article that her experience is not universal.

Indeed.

Although her family had always cherished the idea that Xiao Jiujiu would take care of her after she was born, when she actually became the hands-off shopkeeper, she also abided by her previous agreement and took on the responsibility for the child's daily life. In this matter, what played a greater role was not her hardness of heart, but the softness of her family's heart. This is her happiness and luck.

It is not easy to do this. I have seen many parents and parents-in-law who have given birth, and they swore that you only have to do whatever you want after the baby was born. But not long after the baby was born, the mother-in-law said she was tired and bored, and hid in her home for many days without being able to come over; I have a friend who gave birth to a baby. After the baby was delivered and even before confinement, my mother-in-law bought a ticket to go back to her hometown in Northeast China without saying hello.

Many parents promote children under the banner of "for your own good". In order to achieve their goals, they dare to make any kind of promises. When it is time to take responsibility, they say, "It is only natural that you can raise your own children." What can be done? You have to do it yourself.

Therefore, the author's current happy life is mostly due to luck, having a supportive family.

However, there are many things she does that are worthy of our reference.

5

First of all, know how to leverage. In the process of raising children, she not only borrowed the power of her elders, but also her husband.

In fact, when they first gave birth to a child, both the husband and the wife were confused about the child's affairs. It's just that mothers tend to grow up faster, so they are fully responsible for their children and look down on their fathers, so the fathers are naturally happy and free.

Therefore, letting fathers share responsibilities is a very important lesson for mothers in parenting. Men have a physical advantage over women and will have a greater sense of accomplishment after participating. Families with fathers involved in the parenting process are happier.

It is the stupidest way to do everything, and it is the most thankless way to do it while being resentful.

Secondly, have a good attitude. Her family members also accused her of being careless and irresponsible, and when they scolded her for being selfish, she responded with a straight face. When encountering this kind of situation, more people choose to deal with it by sulking, getting angry, and venting their anger on themselves. When relatives get along, they often only lack one or two sentences of communication.

The most important thing is that she understands that keeping herself is the most important thing at all times. She said, I will never do anything like losing myself and helping others. The subtext is: I am me first, and my mother and daughter second. I am very sure of this, and I hope you can understand this.

She said, when I become a bloated, yellow-faced woman who has no job and is out of touch with society, and my husband abandons me, my parents-in-law will definitely not stand by me, and my parents will definitely think so. I can't live up to my expectations, my children won't want a failed mother.

As a mother, you must always be yourself first before you can educate your children well.

Don’t be too transparent!

6

Her parents were also very successful in raising such an independent and self-loving daughter.