Ask a joke! ! ! ! ! !

A farmer bought some pigs, hoping that when they were raised, they could toad and pickle meat in the cave. A few weeks later, he found that none of the pigs were pregnant, so he called the vet for help. The vet told him to use artificial insemination. The farmer had no idea what that meant, but he didn't want others to see his ignorance, so he just asked the vet how he could tell that the pig was pregnant. The veterinarian said that as long as the pig doesn't stop rolling in the mud, it means it is pregnant. The farmer hung up the phone, thought about it, and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination is to let him fertilize these pigs. So he put all these pigs on the truck, pulled them into the Woods, dried them one by one, and then pulled them all back afterwards. When he woke up the next day, the farmer came to the pigsty and saw the pigs still standing there one by one. He thought it must be the first time that he didn't succeed, so he pulled the pig into the Woods with a truck again. This time, for the sake of safety, he tried to dry them twice. The next morning, he got up and went to the pigsty, and found the pig still standing there, without any movement. He thought, let's try again, so he loaded the pig into the truck and pulled it into the Woods. After working one by one all day, I fell asleep in bed when I got home. The next day, he could hardly get up, so he asked his wife to see if all the pigs were lying in the mud. His wife came back and told him, "No, all the pigs ran to the truck, and one of them was still honking his horn impatiently."

2. Diploma When a factory director read the speech drafted by the secretary at the general meeting of cadres and workers in the whole factory, he read "cadres and workers who have obtained diplomas and cadres and workers who have not yet obtained diplomas" as "monks who have obtained diplomas and cadres and workers who have not obtained diplomas", and the audience immediately burst into laughter. The factory director glared at him and roared, "What are you laughing at? You big slackers, even monks have diplomas now, shouldn't you study hard? "

An expert is a person who is busy directly or indirectly messing up his own or others' computers.

4. Professional language

1963 One day in February, the White House held a grand award ceremony. In recognition of the great contributions made by the famous American aviation scientist von Carmen in rocket and space technology, the US government decided to award him the National Science Medal. At that time, von Carmen was 82 years old and suffered from severe arthritis. When he panted up the last step of the platform, he tripped and almost fell to the ground. President Kennedy, who gave him the award, rushed over and hugged him. Von Carmen said to President Kennedy, "Thank you, Mr. President. When the object falls, it doesn't need boosting force, but it needs it when it rises ... "

5. Zero in the exam is called duck egg, bad behavior is called bad egg, empty head is called idiot, expulsion is called fuck off, alas, it is called finished, and the egg is too perfect is called round egg-Happy New Year's Day!

6. The original thing hasn't moved

When the monk shaved his head, the barber made a mistake and cut off the monk's ear. The monk screamed with pain. The barber hurriedly picked up his ear from the ground, held it in his hand and gave it to the monk, saying, "Don't worry, Master, it's here, it hasn't moved!" "

7. A Guang is on a business trip for a week. Before going home, he asked the apartment manager, "Has anyone come to see my wife, especially a strange man?"

Librarian: "No, only a newspaper delivery man came the day before yesterday."

A Guang was relieved: "It seems that I worry too much."

The administrator added, "but he hasn't come down yet!" " "

A-guang: "XO...XO * &；; ^…"

8. Head of the Family Our church holds Sunday service according to the custom of the British colony. Pastors wear robes and knickerbockers, while Christians are separated by gender: men are on the left and women are on the right. When the donation came, the priest announced that he would go over and do it. He asked the "head of the family" to come forward and put the money on the altar. The men stood up at once. Interestingly, many people cross the aisle and ask their wives for money.

9.

There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "

Guess what the polar bear said when he opened the door? ..... "Let's go to your house to play ~"

10. The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

1 1. Xiaoming said, "Kang, ask you," a shark ate a mung bean. What has it become? 」

Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? 」

Xiao Ming said, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "green bean paste (mung bean shark)", you idiot! 」

12. The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution.

Make the lunch box blue.

13. One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital and said to the doctor, "I will eat whatever I eat."

Guala watermelon, eat cucumber and pull cucumber! "

The doctor thought about it and said to him, "I think you have to eat shit!" " "

14. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?" "

The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" " "

15. There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pull out his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

16. There is a loaf of bread. I was hungry when I walked, so I ate by myself.

17

Q: What do African cannibals eat?

A: people!

Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat?

A: Eat vegetables! ~~

18

American: Have you ever seen a cup made of wood?

China: No!

American: Then why is the Chinese character "cup" beside the wooden character?

China people: Isn't there a word "no" next to the word "cup"? In other words, it is not made of wood.

19

Small white+small white =?

White rabbits (two) ~!

20

Q: What happens when a fat man falls from 12 floor?

fat person

2 1.

Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, telling each other that time waits for no man.

A song: "Recalling my childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "In a few decades, it will be the Day of the Elderly."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: ". Tomb-Sweeping Day. "

22

When the millionaire drove past a village in a luxurious extended Lincoln, he saw two beggars pulling grass by the roadside and stopped immediately.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really have no money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar complained.

"Call 1, and the rich man points to another beggar." And you, call your family. "

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said.

"It doesn't matter, all call, go to 1.

In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home."

The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

23

One day, at the height of the national war, the guild leader came to the grassland front to boost morale. ...

The guild leader asked: What's the situation?

Report to the member archers: report to the head! There is a Bezos archer beside the tent 20 meters ahead, but his accuracy is poor. He has shot many times these days, but he didn't hit anyone.

After listening to this, the colonel asked: Since we have found the enemy archer, why not kill him?

The archer said: Report to the team leader! No, don't you want them to exchange it for a more accurate one?

24

Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a Merlin nearby. I can walk for a while.

Can you get there? "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

25

A girls' school is haunted.

One day I was met by Xiaohong.

The ghost said: junior. . . Look at that. . . I have no feet. . . I have no feet. . .

Xiaohong: That's nothing. Listen, senior, I don't have breasts. I have no breasts.

26

A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak meet in the street. Why don't they say hello? (assuming they can talk)

because ....................

because ........................

Because they are strangers ~ ~! Ha ha laugh

27

The little snake asked the big snake brother in a panic .. "Brother, are we poisonous?" The serpent said, "Why do you ask?" small

The snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now." "

28

The tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

29

Every time I see you wearing stockings ...

There will be an indescribable feeling in my heart,

namely ...

Radish is also wrapped in plastic wrap!

30

One day, a mother-in-law took a bus.

Sitting halfway, my mother-in-law doesn't know the way.

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass.

3 1

A: "I'll take you to a place where all girls don't wear bras."

B: "Really? Where is it? Take me quickly! "

A: "It's in the kindergarten next door!"

32

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

He announced: "children, we can wash the fruit together after picking it, and we can eat it together after washing." "

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time came, all the children got together.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what do you have?" "

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them." "

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes." "

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit." "

33

Bad news: A pilot fell off the plane.

Good news: He brought a parachute.

Bad news: the parachute is broken.

Good news: There is a haystack below.

Bad news: There is a dung fork on the haystack.

Good news: he didn't fall on the dung fork.

Bad news: He didn't fall on the haystack either.

34

Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

35

One night, when a young woman passed a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. The woman, desperate, knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, but please don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? So now you start chasing me. "

36

A new nurse in a mental hospital, who is new here, saw a patient in the hospital circling around an ancient well and said, "13, 13, ..." The little nurse was quite surprised and couldn't figure out what this "13" meant. It was like this for several days. She always wanted to go forward and ask the truth, but she was afraid of the patient's attack and never dared.

One day, the little nurse finally lost her curiosity, walked slowly to the patient and looked into the well with her probe. Suddenly, the patient hugged the nurse's leg, threw it down and began to read: "14, 14, ..."

37

The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out to scratch it and burned myself to death. ...

38.

The manager said to his secretary, Remember to remind me of the meeting in August 10. The Secretary said: This was the day before yesterday. The manager said, oh, my god! I forgot to attend the meeting! The secretary said: You have been there.

39

The two supervisors decided to personally guide the work of the female secretary. A said: It is our responsibility to teach her what to do and what not to do. B said excitedly: Yes! You are responsible for teaching her how to do it.

40

After only five months of marriage, my wife gave birth to a chubby boy for nothing. The husband asked suspiciously, isn't this child a little early? The wife replied: We got married a little late.

4 1.

My husband shouted as soon as he entered the door, so we'll have cold rice tonight! The wife asked curiously, it is really cold rice. How did you know? Husband: Because there is no burning smell in the room.

42.

A woman: How can your lips be badly burned? Woman B: I don't wear glasses because of myopia. A: Will it burn like this? B: I mistook the car cigarette lighter for lipstick again.

43.

A: There are only 100 beds in your hotel. It was amazing that100000 people visited it last year. What's so strange about that? Most people just take a look and leave.

44.

A: The bus driver stared at me yesterday as if I didn't buy a ticket. What about you? A: Very simple. I stared at him as if I had bought a ticket.

45.

When the police escorted the prisoner to prison, his hat was blown off by the wind. The prisoner asked ingratiatingly, Do you want me to help you pick up your hat? The officer said, do you think I'm that stupid? You stand here and I'll get it.

46.

The drunkard called the owner's house in the morning and asked, when does the hotel open? The boss said, sorry, I can't come in until after afternoon. The drunkard said, who said I came in? I'm just going out.

47.

Sick child: Mom, why does the aunt who gave medicine wear a mask? Mom: The medicine I gave you is delicious. The dean is worried that they will steal it. Sick child: Do you wear masks for those uncles with knives because you are afraid of eating?

48.

Son: Dad, what does happiness mean? Father: Happy means very happy. Son: So concerned must mean unhappy?

49.

Ugly girls always like to buy seats behind the basket. Her friend asked, isn't the scenery behind the basket very bad? The ugly woman replied, only then can I see the man running towards me.

50.

Some people love to abuse idioms. When he saw the bride at the wedding, he praised her: You really didn't recognize her today. Then he raised his glass and said to the groom, Come on, let's die together!

5 1.

A: I heard that you quit your female secretary. What did she do wrong? I told her I love you. After a while, she typed this sentence and asked me to sign it.

52.

While watching the mystery play, an audience suddenly stood up and shouted: Where is the murderer? Another audience member said coldly in the back: If you don't sit down, the murderer will be right behind you.

53.

When the female singer practiced singing, the dog next door kept barking. The female singer said, sir, can you stop your dog from barking? The neighbor replied, as long as you don't sing, it won't bark!