Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - Who has an updated joke?

Who has an updated joke?

1, too loud

Zhuge Liang is a master of eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, I call you like a woodpecker. How about adjusting the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't hear it. "

2. Chicken ribs

On this day, after having sex with my new concubine in the bedroom, she said, "Come again, come again." Cao wanted to say, but he was exhausted, so he replied, "The chicken is tired." Just then, after Cao *' s bedroom, thinking that Cao * was talking to him, he ran out to announce the code name of this military operation, "Chicken Rib". Cao Zhi was furious and beheaded.

Step 3 tryst

One day, Wang Yun invited Dong Zhuo to drink at home. During the dinner, The Story Of Diu Sim, Yun3' s daughter, was in charge of pouring wine. Dong Zhuo and The Story Of Diu Sim are flirting, but they are eager for each other. When he left, The Story Of Diu Sim knocked on Dong Zhuo's head three times, and then left with his hand behind his back. In the middle of the night, Dong Zhuo entered from the back door of Wang Yungu's house and came to The Story Of Diu Sim's room. The door opened automatically. Dong Zhuo walked in the door for a while and saw two doors. It says "married" on one side and "unmarried" on the other. Dong Zhuo walked in through the "unmarried" door. After a short walk, there are two more doors at the end of the corridor, which say "experienced" and "inexperienced" Dong Zhuo walked on through the "inexperienced" door and came to the end of the corridor, where there were also two doors. It says "10 cm above" and "10 cm below". Dong Zhuo opened the door of "less than 10 cm" and went out to the road. ...

4, the magic prescription

After Mrs. Mi gave birth to Dou, she has been worrying about Dou's excrement all day. I'll ask Hua Tuo. Mrs. rice asked, "Dr. Hua, my peas have to shit n times a day." Is there a better way than using diapers? " Hua Tuo thought for a moment and replied, "Yes! You can raise a few dung beetles. "

5, each has its own ingenious ways.

It is said that when Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei just came out to mix, they were once caught by their enemies and thrown on a desert island in the sea. There is nothing to eat on the island. Three days later, the three were empty and hungry. Zhang Fei said, "It's better to cut off the baby and eat it than starve to death." Then he pulled out a knife and cut his little brother. Guan Yu quickly stopped him and scolded 1, "* *! Don't cut in a hurry, knead and cut again, there is more meat! " At this time, they heard Liu Bei whining. Looking back, I saw Liu Bei masturbating and asked, "Is Big Brother still in this mood at this time?" Liu Bei looked up and replied, "Idiot! Make some sauce and eat it. "

6. Chocolate

On this day, Zhao Yun and Zhang Fei slept together. When Zhao Yun's women were excited, I couldn't see Zhang Fei and his women who were working hard, and I couldn't help crying. Zhao Yun was puzzled and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woman replied, "I want chocolate, too!" " "

7.skiing

It is said that when Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei first came out to mix, they were once caught by their enemies and locked in a room. It was winter and it was snowing heavily. At night, when they sleep, they will huddle together to keep warm. The next day, three people woke up. Liu Bei, who sleeps on the left, said, "I dreamed that I was having sex." Guan Yu, who slept on the right, said, "I dreamed that I was having sex, too." Zhang Fei, who slept in the middle, said, "I dreamed that I was skiing!" " "

8. On the other hand

One day, Zhuge Liang said to his men, "Today, each of you wrote an article on how to attack Wei. If you are extremely tired, you can write tomorrow. " Zhang Bao asked: "Prime Minister, does excessive sexual behavior count as physical fatigue?" Zhuge Liang said angrily, "Shit! Can't you write with your other hand? ! "

9, hurt self-esteem

One day, Liu Bei said to Mrs. Mi, "Can you tell me at the climax later?" Mrs Mi said, "But …" Liu Bei said, "But what?" Mrs Mi said, "I'm afraid ..." Liu Bei said, "Afraid of what?" Mrs. Meade said, "You said before that if I had sex with another man, you would kill me." Liu Bei: "RMB #% ..."

10, in bed

In order to turn Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu against each other, The Story Of Diu Sim hooked up with them at the same time. On this day, Dong Zhuo was drinking with Lu Bu. Dong Zhuo said, "That's what The Story Of Diu Sim and I did the day before yesterday. She is really good in bed, much better than my wife. " Lu Bu said, "To tell you the truth, I had sex with The Story Of Diu Sim yesterday. Indeed, much better than your wife in bed! "

1 1, everyone says so.

Said Liu Bei had a maid. On this day, Mrs. rice wanted to drive the maid away. The maid said angrily, "I know why you want to kick me out, because you are jealous that I am sexier and more beautiful than you!" " ""Who said that? " Mrs. Mi said. The maid said, "Liu Bei. You must still be jealous that I am better in bed! " "Who said that?" Mrs. Mi said. The maid said, "Liu Bei, Zhao Yun, Zhang Fei, Guan Yu … everyone says so! "

12, pectoral muscle

One day, Liu Bei went to inspect the military camp. Liu Bei said, "Hello, soldiers!" The soldiers said, "Good Chief!" Liu Bei patted the chest of a soldier beside him and praised: "Look at this chest muscle, how well it is trained!" The soldier replied: "report to the chief, I am a female soldier!" " "

13, massage stick

On this day, Zhuge Liang was taking a lunch break in his room. Suddenly, Mrs. rice came in. Mrs. Mi said, "Um ... Kong Ming, um ... did you ... invent ... a ... great massage? Uh-huh ... "Zhuge Liang said," Yes! " Mrs Mi said, "Mm-hmm ... really ... mm-hmm ... skin color ... mm-hmm ... can be rotated? Uh-huh ... "Zhuge Liang said impatiently," Yes! What are you doing? ! "Mrs. M swallowed saliva and said," Well ... then ... well ... excuse me ... well ... how can I ... well ... turn it off and take it out? "

14, not the kui is a big brother.

It is said that when Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei just came out to mix, they were once caught by their enemies and thrown on a desert island in the sea. After staying on the island for three months, a woman drifted into the sea that day. The three were so happy that they could finally solve their sexual needs. Three people all want to fuck that woman, so in order to be fair, they decided to take turns, and each person was only allowed to fuck four times in a round, and then the next person was replaced. Zhang Fei has no experience. He was the first to go to work, counting "1, 2, 3, 4", and let Guan Yu do it after four times. Guan Yu should be smarter. After shouting "1~ ~ ~ ~ 2 ~ ~ 3 ~ ~ ~ 4 ~ ~ ~ ~", it was barely over and Liu Bei was released. I heard Liu Bei slowly counting "1234, 2234, 3234, try again in a different posture, 1234, 2234 ..."

15, curettage to cure poison

It is said that Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisonous arrow. Hua tuo curetted bones and treated poison for him. Guan Yu asked Hua tuo, "gentleman, this injury will not affect my sex life, will it?" Hua tuo thought for a moment and said, "well, that depends on which hand you are used to."

16, Dou's diary

When dou was young. One day, A Dou asked Liu Bei, "Baba, where did I come from?" Liu Bei thought that children should not know what they shouldn't know, so he replied, "It fell from the sky." ? Is it more important than the expansion of Xi? 6. Tell me? Sneaking past, blowing away, shouting for Wei to vomit, shaking? Hey? lt; BR]

17, bad omen

A few days before Dian Wei died in Wancheng to save Cao *, he said to him, "Wei, you should be careful recently, there may be a bloody battle, because you have a bad omen!" After Dian Wei's death, the ghost found Yu Xun and scolded him, "What nonsense are you talking about? You said that if I wore a bra, there would be a mass annihilation. I took off my bra before going to Wancheng, but I still died. " ! "

18, a little cold

It is said that Zhang Fei got married. Zhang Fei is rather stupid. He didn't know how to make love, so he asked Zhuge Liang. Zhuge Liang thought, "No matter how deep I talk, he won't understand. If what I say is very simple, it will appear that I am too vulgar. What should I do? " At this time, two horses are mating by the river. Zhuge Liang's eyes lit up and said to Zhang Fei, "Did you see those two horses?" See what they do? Just go back to the sauce and make it. "Zhang fei went back. A few days later, Zhuge Liang met Zhang Fei and asked, "Yide, how to dig up sexual life?" Zhang Fei replied, "Good is good, but …" Zhuge Liang said, "But what?" Zhang Fei said, "Sometimes it's too cold to do it by the river, and some people peek. "

19, prefix generation

It is said that Zhang Fei has two sons because according to the genealogy, these two sons should belong to the word "head", and there must be the word "head" in their names. Zhang Fei is a clown, so he casually named his son. The eldest son is called "your mother's head" and the second son is called "* *". One day, the second son came home very late. Zhang Fei is very anxious. He went to Zhuge Liang and said, "Counselor, counselor, my * * is gone!" " Zhuge Liang thought, "Huh? How big is your * *? " Zhang Fei said, "It's a little smaller than your mother's head!

20. Move

It is said that a woman in Dian Wei loves him very much. After he died, the woman took his little brother home, then opened a hole in the wall, stuffed him in and stroked him every night. When Xiahou Jie, Xia, Coss and Cao Hong learned about it, they secretly ran to the wall next door, took off Dian Wei's little brother, stuffed his little brother in, and then the woman touched it at night. To be fair, Xiahou Jie, Xia, Coss and Cao Hong changed people every day. On this day, it's summer's turn. After he stuffed his little brother in, the woman came over and saw that the woman took out a knife and cut off her little brother with one knife, saying, "Wei, let's move."

2 1, scare children

One day, when Liu Bei came home from hunting, he found his wife lying naked in bed, panting badly, and asked what happened. The wife said, "I had a heart attack and was so hot that I took off my clothes." Liu Bei is very nervous and wants to run out to find a doctor. At the door, he saw Adou standing there shivering and asked what had happened. Dou said, "How terrible! There is a man hiding behind the cupboard naked! " Liu Bei ran to the back of the cupboard and saw a naked man standing behind the cupboard. It was Zhang Fei. Liu Bei flew into a rage and scolded, "You bastard! You and I are like brothers, I treat you like brothers ... My wife has a heart attack, you don't help, and you are still standing here to scare my son! "

22, scraping the bone to cure poison (2)

In other words, Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisonous arrow. Hua tuo curetted bones and treated poison for him. Guan Yu asked Hua Tuo, "Madam, how successful was this operation?" Hua Tuo said, "I did the same operation 99 times." Guan Yu said, "Then I'm relieved. I believe you will succeed. " Hua Tuo said, "Thank you! I think I should succeed once! "

23. stables

When Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei began to conquer the world, they all had to recruit soldiers. I bought many horses, so the three of them built a big cage and locked all the horses in it. The next day, the three men found that all the horses had escaped from the cage, so they decided to change the height of the cage from 5 feet to 10 feet. On the third day, they found that the horse had escaped from the cage, so they decided to raise the cage to 20 feet. Then, the three of them went back to sleep. At this time, one horse asked another horse, "Do you think the three of us will raise the cage?" The latter said, "It's hard to say! If they continue to forget to close the door. "

24, cooking wine on the hero

It is said that Cao * and Liu Bei are talking about heroes while cooking wine. Two people eat and drink. At this time, the serving soldier served the food. Liu Bei found his thumb stuck in the dish and said angrily, "Fuck you! Is this shrimp? ! "The soldier quickly explained," I hurt my thumb, and the doctor said to keep warm often. " Liu Bei scolded again: "Li Niang! To keep warm, you won't stick your thumb in your ass! " The soldier replied, "My thumb got stuck in my ass when I didn't serve food."