30 English jokes

Once upon a time there was a blind man. One day, when he was walking, he stepped on the head of a sleeping dog. The dog barked for a while. The blind man walked on for several miles. This time he stepped on the tail of another dog, so the dog barked. The blind man thought it was the first dog, so he said in surprise that it was a miracle that the dog was so long.

Once upon a time there was a blind man. One day, while walking, he stepped on the head of a sleeping dog, and the dog barked for a while. The man walked on, this time stepping on another dog's tail, and the dog barked again. The blind man thought it was the same dog, and said in surprise, strange, this dog is really long.

Who is better? Who is more satisfied?

Who is more satisfied, a man with six children or a man with six million dollars? Why?

People with six children, of course. Because the one with 6 million dollars wants more.

Who is more satisfied, a man with six children or a man with six million dollars? Why?

The one with six children, of course, because there are 6 million dollars, and that one wants more.

A talking clock a talking clock.

When a college student proudly showed off his new apartment to his friends, he led them into the study. What's that big gong and hammer for? One of his friends asked. That's a talking clock, the man replied. How does it work?

"Watch," the man said, and then struck the gong deafening with a hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Stop knocking, you idiot!" It's two o'clock in the morning!

A student showed his friend around his new apartment and was very proud. What's that big gong and hammer for? One of his friends asked him. That thing is amazing. This is a talking clock, the student replied. How does this clock work? His friend asked. Listen, don't blink. The student stepped forward, picked up a gong and a hammer, and knocked desperately. The sound was deafening. Suddenly, they heard someone screaming on the wall next door: "Stop knocking, you idiot!" " It's two o'clock in the morning!

Henry and Mary just got married, and everyone enjoyed their wedding. There is a lot of food and drink, and everyone becomes very happy when a very thin, very young man walks into the room. He looked at Mary sadly and reproachfully, walked slowly to her, kissed her affectionately and said, "Why did you do this?"

Then he went to the door and disappeared.

No one has seen this young man before, not even Mary.

Some old friends of Nasreddin are talking about the young people in their town. They all think that old people are smarter than young people. One of the old people said, "But young people are stronger than old people."

Everyone agrees that this is true except Nasreddin. He said, no, I am as strong as when I was young.

"What do you mean?" said his friend. How is that possible? "explain!"

"Well," Nasreddin said, "there is a stone in the corner of my field. When I was young, I tried to move it, but I couldn't because I was not strong enough. I am old now, and when I try to move it, I still can't.

One day, a beautiful young lady found a famous artist and said, "I want you to draw a picture for me." . "How much will it cost?"

"Five hundred pounds," said the painter.

"Oh," said the lady. This is a lot of money. Then she thought, because she has a very beautiful body, if she didn't wear clothes when he painted, the painter might be happy to paint her paintings at a cheaper price. So she said, "How much would it cost if you painted me naked?"

The artist thought for a moment. "A thousand pounds," he went on. But I must put on socks, because my feet will get cold; I have to put something on to insert my brush. "

An Illinois man left the snow-covered streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife is on a business trip and plans to meet him there the next day. When he arrived at the hotel, he decided to send a quick email to his wife. I couldn't find the piece of paper where he wrote her email address, so he tried to type it out from memory. Unfortunately, he missed a letter, but his letter was sent to the wife of an elderly priest whose husband had just died the day before. /When the sad widow checked her email, she glanced at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and then fell to the floor, unconscious. Hearing the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dear wife: Just checked in. Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow.

Page (the abbreviation of page) is really hot here.

7. dating

A man called his doctor's office to make an appointment. "Sorry,"

The receptionist said, "We can't put you in for at least two weeks."

"But I may be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment. "

Irish and shoemaker

Once, an Irishman sent someone to find a shoemaker and ordered a pair of boots. After measuring, he told him that because one of his legs is bigger than the other, his boots must be made accordingly. As soon as they were sent home, he put the big boots on his calf and tried the small boots on his thigh, but it didn't work. He flew into a rage and wrote this letter to the poor shoemaker: "Oh! You thief! I ordered you to make one boot bigger than the other, but you made mine smaller than the other! "

eight

Ali works far away from home. He wants to write a letter to his wife, but he can neither read nor write, and he has to work all day, so he can only find someone to write to him late at night. Finally, he found the home of a writer named Nasreddin.

Nasreddin has gone to bed. "It's late," he said. "What do you want?" "I want you to write a letter to my wife," said Ali. Nasreddin was very unhappy. He thought for a few seconds and then said, "Can this letter go far?"

"What does that matter?" Ali answered.

Well, what I wrote is very strange, only I can understand it. If I have to go a long way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money.

Ali will leave soon.

seven

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An old man died and left his son a lot of money. But the son is a stupid young man. He soon spent all his money, so he soon had nothing. Of course, when that happened, all his friends left him. When he was poor and lonely, he went to see Nasreddin. He was a kind and clever old man who often helped people when they were in trouble.

"My money has run out, and so has my friend," said the young man. "What will happen to me now?"

"Don't worry, young man," Nasredden replied. Everything will return to normal soon. Wait, you will feel much happier soon.

The young man is very happy. "Then will I become rich again?" He asked Nasreddin.

"No, I didn't mean that," said the old man. I mean, you will soon get used to being poor and having no friends.

eight

World War II has begun, and John wants to join the army, but he is only 16 years old, and boys are only allowed to join the army when they are over 18 years old. So when the military doctor examined him, he said he was 18.

But John's brother joined the army a few days ago, and the same doctor also examined him. The doctor remembered the last name of the big boy, so he was surprised when he saw John's file.

"How old are you?" he said.

"Eighteen, sir," said John.

"But your brother is also 18 years old," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face turned red. My brother is five months older than me.

nine

One day, a judge was working in his room when a neighbor came in and said, "If one man's cow killed another man's, should the owner of the first cow be responsible?"

"It depends," the judge replied.

"Well," said the man, "your cow killed me."

"Oh," replied the judge. "Everyone knows that cows can't think like people, so cows have no responsibility, which means that their owners have no responsibility. '

"Excuse me, judge," said the man. I made a mistake. I mean, my cow killed you.

The judge thought for a few seconds and then said, "When I think more carefully, this case is not as simple as I thought at first." Then he turned to his clerk and said, "Please bring me that big black book on the shelf behind you."

10

When Nasreddin was a child, he never did what others told him, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.

One day, when the two men came home with bags of flour on their asses, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were halfway there, a bag on Nasreddin's donkey began to slip, so his father said, "That bag is going to fall into the water!" " ! Push down hard!

His father certainly expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father asked him to do. He pressed down the bag and it sank into the water. Of course, the flour is lost.

"What did you do, Nasreddin," his father shouted angrily.

"Well, Dad," Nasreddin said, "I think I'll do as you say this time and show you how stupid your orders are."

1 1

Nasreddin lost his donkey. He looked around, looking for it and singing happily.

One of his neighbors saw him and said, "Hello, Nasreddin." . "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for my donkey," Nasreddin replied.

"Don't you know where it is?" asked the neighbor.

"No, I don't know."

Then why are you singing so happily? "Usually when a person loses something, he will be very sad."

"Yes, that's very correct," Nasreddin replied. But you see, I'm not sure if my donkey has been lost. My last hope is that it is behind that hill over there. If you wait a little longer, you will hear how I will cry and complain if it is not there!

12

One winter, Nasreddin had little money. His harvest was poor that year, and he had to live a very frugal life. He gave the donkey less food. Two days later, the donkey looked the same. He said to himself, "The donkey is used to eating a lot. Now he soon gets used to eating less; Soon he will get used to living with almost nothing.

Nasreddin gave the donkey less food every day until it ate almost nothing.

Then one day, when the donkey was carrying a load of wood to the market, it suddenly died. "I'm so unlucky," Nasreddin said. Just when my donkey is used to eating almost nothing, its days in this world are over.

Who is the laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I talked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, Dad.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think about it! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how others work?

Tom: Our teacher, Dad.

Chinese:

Father: Hey, Tom, I talked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest in your class?

Tom: I don't know, Dad.

Father: Oh, no, you know! Think about it, when other children are doing their homework and writing, who sits in class and just watches others do their homework?

Tom: Our teacher, Dad.

Old farmer Johnson is dying. The family stood by his bed. He whispered to his wife, "When I die, I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone from now on."

Johnson: "But I hope you can."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse trade!

Translation:

Old farmer Johnson is dying. His family are all standing by the bed. He whispered to his wife, "When I die, I want you to marry farmer Jones."

The wife said, "No, I can't marry anyone after you die."

Johnson: "But I hope you do."

Wife: "Why?"

Johnson: "Because Jones once cheated me in a horse deal."

A man went to church and began to talk to God. He said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" God said, "a penny", and then the man said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "One second", and then the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said "at once"

A man walks into a church and talks to God. He asked, "Lord, what does a million dollars mean to you?" God replied, "A penny." The man asked, "What about a million years?" God said, "One second." Finally, the man asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God replied, "Right away."