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achievement

After the mid-term exam, the math teacher will announce the results. He said:

"There are as many people with more than 90 points as those with more than 80 points; There are as many people over 80 as over 70. "

At the beginning of the conversation, the whole class cheered, and a classmate asked, "So ... how many people failed?"

The teacher replied easily, "There are as many people who fail in the class."

English class .....

This is what my junior told me. ......

One day, they were having an English class. ....

The teacher asked the students to name common English words. ...

Student No.1 said, OK. ...

Student No.2 said, Thank you. .....

Then I called a classmate. ......

When he stood up, he was very depressed and said, shirt ....

It's a shit shirt. It's a shirt. ....

Smile in the underworld

Once in a Chinese class, the teacher wanted to know the Chinese level of this overseas Chinese student.

Just ask him some related idioms.

"Can you say an idiom to describe a person who is very happy? 』

The Chinese teacher gave a question and said, "However, this idiom had better have a number.

Such as one, two, three, four ... "

Overseas Chinese thought for a moment and said happily:

I see, "smile in the grave"!

Ha! What a "Laughing Jiuquan"! The whole class laughed, old Chinese teacher,

I almost passed out.

erect

A monitor sleeps in class and asks his classmates to call him after class. The classmates play pranks.

Get up, class is over!

The monitor rubbed his eyes: Stand up!

At this time, only a dozen students stood up in a daze and said, thank you, teacher!

Learn English.

Once, a tutor of a junior high school student found the following terrible words in his English textbook:

Dad died (bus)

I'm dead (yes)

The girl is dead (girl)

Sister passed away (Mis? )

......

Death ray (school)

Geography exam

In the geography exam, the teacher asked the students to briefly describe the following places:

Arabia, Singapore, Cape of Good Hope, Rome, Nagoya, Macau.

Among them, Xiao Ming wrote: Once upon a time, there was an old man named Arabia.

One day he went out to climb the mountain, when he climbed to Singapore.

Suddenly I saw a Rome with the Cape of Good Hope on its head coming straight at me.

Frightened, he ran into Nagoya and quickly closed Macao.

College meals

A freshman bought a scone and walked on the road. Suddenly, a big car came to him. In a panic, scones fell under the wheels. When the car passed by, the freshmen who were regretting were surprised to find that the scones were embedded in the ground intact! In order not to waste, he decided to pick up the scones, but no matter how hard he tried to pry the spoon, a kind old man passed by. After the old man knew the situation, he immediately took out a fried dough stick from his schoolbag and saw that the scones were actually made by hand!

practised

The professor is having an ethics class. He told his classmates how to remind others of some embarrassing things.

"For example, if you see a girl with grass clippings on her ass, you should be polite.

Say, "Girl, you have cut grass on your shoulder". The girl looked back and then looked down-she saw it. "

At this time, a female student raised her hand and stood up and said, "Professor, the zipper of your tie is open!" " "

girl student

One night, I was wandering on the platform of a voracious society, and I couldn't help staring at a woman with long hair. As soon as she approached, the woman suddenly stopped and stared at me. Yu Daoan, "I'm not very handsome"! But when I saw Yi's eyes wide open and her mouth twitching, I sighed, "Am I too ugly?" ? But see the bigger Iraq's eyes, the more Zhang Yue opens her mouth. I'm afraid I'll always be a real gentleman. I've never offended her, let alone met her. I tried to turn around, but suddenly I heard Iraq shout. . . . . . Ah. . Strange. ! ! "。 Yi rubbed his nose and drifted away. I'm already sweating.

twice

When I first entered school, I took the student code and everyone copied it. There are two of them:

If you cheat twice in college, advise him to drop out.

Married people advised him to drop out of college.

My eyes are bad. I handed out the paper and found it was copied:

: Those who have been married twice in college are advised to drop out of school.

African wild boar

The biology teacher is describing the appearance of African wild boar on the stage with great interest.

Occasionally, I glanced from the stage and found that most of my classmates were dozing off. So Dawei

He shouted angrily, "Look at me! Don't look at me. How do you know?

What does African wild boar look like? "

Jokes of middle school English teachers

When I was in high school, English teacher D had a high level of English, but his Chinese was not good.

One day in class, Teacher D explained the "independent structure" and gave a classic example:

"Our teacher came into the classroom with a book under his arm."

Then translated into Chinese: "The teacher came into the classroom with a book under his crotch."

I immediately laughed in class.

Give a mark

This is a joke told by the head teacher.

Once upon a time, an old gentleman graded his students and only gave them three points.

It's best to call it bullshit

Second, call it bullshit.

The worst name is fart dog.

Midnight cock crow

In junior high school, there was a chapter in English class called "Midnight Cockcrow".

During the teacher's lecture, Dai Shun spoke a little about the roots of English words:

Landlord, the landlord, is made up of land, land,

Lord, composed of two parts-"land"

+"master" is "landlord"

Then, the teacher asked everyone: What does the motherland mean?

"landlady!" Everyone answered with one voice.

The professor said ....

One day, a professor suddenly stopped teaching.

Seriously say to you:

If you sit in the middle and talk,

If you can be as quiet as the classmate sitting in the back playing cards,

Then the students who sleep in front will not be disturbed.

philosophy department

A gentleman graduated from the philosophy department of Duff University. I can't find a job after graduation and have been unemployed at home. One day,

A college classmate introduced him to work in Muka Zoo, and he went happily. There used to be one in the zoo.

The tiger got sick temporarily and was sent to the hospital. He was asked to put on tiger skin for the time being. He thinks that no one can recognize him anyway.

Yes, I agreed. I put on my tiger skin and went into the animal cage. I dutifully walked around pretending to be a tiger, and soon I got to the animal cage.

When I opened it, a tiger came in. He was so scared that he retreated to the corner. The tiger kept approaching him. ..

..... Finally back to no way back, the tiger spoke. ..

"Dude, don't be afraid! I am from the philosophy department of National Taiwan University! "

(mythical god) descended to earth

This is a true story that happened in the senior dormitory:

Brother Fage has a new girlfriend, and everyone will praise how beautiful his girlfriend is ... one day.

Brother Fage sat at his desk alone, admiringly looking at the photo of his girlfriend. He said, "It's like a fairy coming down to earth." ....

"His roommate was curious at the moment and couldn't help but want to borrow photos to see the fairy on earth, ready to" surprise ".

Take a look; As a result, there was only one question after reading it: "When did you come to the world as a fairy ... did you land on your face first?"

What's your name?

There is a shy little boy who likes beautiful women with elegant gestures. He is very shy.

I secretly observe her ecology every day and finally find a cycle-she will be there one day every week.

A noodle restaurant eats noodles.

He felt that the time was ripe, so one day he waited for her at the noodle restaurant first, and when she entered the store, he was deeply moved.

Take a deep breath, get up the courage and step forward to ask her name.

He said, miss, what's your name?

The young lady opened her eyes and said to him, my name is beef noodles.

animal

Teacher: What are you wearing on your feet?

Student: It's leather shoes

Teacher: Where did the skin come from?

Student: It's from a cow.

Teacher: So, what are the animals that provide you with shoes and meat?

Student: It's my father.

Concise and to the point.

My middle school deskmate is famous for her simplicity. One day, there was a group meeting in the class, and it was unbearable.

Finally, I asked your opinion. When asked about him, he replied, "I have to pee." . ?

fossil

A geology student was practicing in the field, and a student happened to find a big fossil. Lecturer A said

This is a fossil tree, and Lecturer B insists that this is a dinosaur leg bone. The two sides argued endlessly. student

Students don't know who is right or wrong, but they know that both lecturers will give internship reports.

Grading, so a clever classmate wrote in the report that he found the wooden legs of dinosaurs.

antithetical couplet

The Chinese teacher explained couplets on the stage, for example, "Once upon a time, a newspaper publicly requested Nantong.

As a result, many letters were submitted, and one sentence was quite right.

Ok, that's "East Pawnshop, West Pawnshop, East Pawnshop for Things". At this time, a naughty student

Suddenly I cried: "Boys and girls, boys and girls, boys and girls, boys and girls. 」

polygraph

Dad has a polygraph. He asked Dehua, "How was your math today?"

Dehua replied: "A" polygraph rang!

Dehua added: "Machine B is ringing, too!

Dehua said, "C" machine rang again!

Dad shouted angrily, "I got an A before!" "

At this moment, the polygraph overturned!

Bird test

It is said that the final exam of a subject in the department of zoology of a school (as for which subject, it is not the key,

The old professor was carrying a birdcage covered with black cloth, only two of which were exposed.

Bird legs. The test topic is: write down the species of this bird from the observed bird legs.

A student worked hard for several weeks to prepare for the exam, and as a result, he got nothing, so he took this exam.

The bird tried, but he didn't want to .. If he was angry, he would strike the table and hand in the white paper prepared in advance (without writing his name and student number).

! ! The old professor was so angry that he asked the students to leave his name. ....

The student only pulled up his trouser legs, revealing his furry legs, and said to the old professor, "Guess who I am!" " ! !

calculate

An invigilator is staring at a student throwing dice in surprise. Strangely enough, .....

The student threw the same question several times. ....

He asked the students why.

The students answered helplessly, is it too difficult to check?

professor

"I brought a frog today," the professor of zoology said to the students. "I just came from

Caught it in the pond. In this lesson, we will dissect frogs. "

He took out a paper box and opened it carefully. There is a ham sandwich in the box.

"Strange," the professor was very surprised. "I clearly remember having lunch."

Ridiculously clever

An agricultural college graduate returned to his hometown and saw an old gardener transplanting fruit trees. Then he said, "You are like this.

The method of transplantation is very unscientific. It is enough to harvest seven apples from this tree according to your dry method.

I was shocked. "

The old gardener looked at him and said slowly, "Not only you, but I am also surprised. Because this is a peach tree. "

call the roll

A newly graduated normal teacher went to a primary school to teach new students.

The first thing she did was to ask the students to write their names in the exercise books.

After that, she took back her exercise books and sent them back one by one by name in order to get to know the students.

But there was one. She called for it ten times, but no one came to get it. ........

"Yellow belly! Yellow belly! ..... What the hell, where has everyone gone! ! " .................

Finally, all the copies have been sent out, and there is still one left, so "raise your hand if you haven't got it yet!" " ! "

At this moment, a little girl raised her hand and the teacher asked, "What's your name?"

"... Huang Yuepo, teacher ..."

The exam is over.

Wang You didn't do well in the final exam, so he sent a telegram to his brother to make his father mentally prepared.

Soon my brother called back: "Dad is ready. Please be prepared now. "

Lie down and talk.

One night, a boy's dormitory slept until three o'clock in the morning and suddenly wanted to discuss a question: "I met someone."

Pretty girl, what should I say first? A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking and let's go to bed!" " "

cheat

"Polonius was fired for cheating."

"What's the matter?"

"In the physical examination, he counted his ribs and was found."

composition

When I was a child, my deskmate's Chinese was poor, and writing was particularly difficult. Once, the teacher asked us to write a composition entitled << Look at the clouds >>

He's in pain. How can he pass the exam?

The first sentence: Today the weather is sunny, the sun shines on the earth, and there are no clouds in Wan Li.

No words.

Thinking. . . . .

The second sentence: White clouds are floating in the sky of Wei Lan. . .

The professor is a kind and humorous old man, and there is a tall and strong PE student in his class. The voice of being a professor rings in every class.

At dawn, sports students began to sleep until they woke up on time after class. One day, a sports student was born, and the professor was very kind to him.

Say, "Jack, please don't be late in the future, it will affect your normal sleep." .

rule

One day in math class, as usual, the students are listening carefully and taking notes. Get to the point.

The teacher suddenly stressed and said, "This is the rule!" Then the teacher said in a tone of inquiry and rhetorical question: "

What are the rules? "Everyone was at a loss, stare big eyes. The teacher said in an intriguing tone:

"The tortoise is the tortoise's ass!" There was silence.

After a while, the teacher suddenly realized, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, I was wrong." It's a noise.

Teacher Tsinghua.

A young teacher in Tsinghua loves mahjong. Once, he played mahjong all night. Play mahjong at 7:40 the next morning.

There is a class. He got off the mahjong table at 7: 30 and hurried to the fourth teacher's class. It happened that the student on duty that day didn't clean the blackboard.

He shouted, "Who is that farmer?" The students on duty did not dare to answer, so they had to clean themselves, but

Unable to find the eraser, he shouted again, "Where did you put the whiteboard?" .....

This is a Chinese class. When talking about new words, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.

Then he said, "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red middle on it. "

You need a wild boar.

A rural primary school student was late. He explained to the teacher, "I'm going to send a pig to breed this morning."

The teacher asked, "Won't your father be like this?"

"No, it must be a wild boar."

taste

The Chinese teacher was very angry when he found Zhang San sleeping in class. He woke Zhang San up and asked: How do you sleep in class?

However, Zhang San refused to admit to sleeping.

Zhang San: I didn't sleep.

Teacher: Then why do you close your eyes?

Zhang San: Teacher, I am reading the text silently.

The teacher didn't believe me and said, then why do you nod straight?

Zhang San: Teacher, you speak very well.

The teacher still didn't believe it and said, then why are you drooling?

Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.

Every day has a good turn for the better.

The teacher asked two students, "Did you do good things every day today? 」

The two students said in unison, "Yes! 」

The teacher asked, "What did you do? 」

Student: "We helped an old lady cross the street. 」

Teacher: "Well, it's fine, but why do you need two people to help an old lady cross the street?" 」

Student: "Because the old lady doesn't want to cross the road. 」

conclusion

In class, the professor was bored by the students' series of questions and said helplessly, "What?" ? One fool asks more questions than ten wise men can answer. No wonder so many of us failed the exam.

Each has its own explanation.

A student asked the teacher, "What's the difference between hitting someone and being beaten?" . History teacher: Beating people is an aggressor, and being beaten is a victim. English teacher: Being beaten is active, but being beaten is passive. Physics teacher: hitting people is hard, and being beaten is resistance. Dean: Every student has a big demerit.

"Where are my shoes?" When the class was over, the absent-minded professor muttered something to himself.

"It's on your foot," said a student.

"Oh, yes, it's a good thing you saw it, otherwise I would have gone home barefoot."

One night, the absent-minded professor came home late. When he walked to the door, it suddenly occurred to him that he had forgotten his key.

He knocked at the door for a long time before his wife got up and opened the door. Because it was dark, she didn't recognize him, so she explained:

"Sorry, sir, the professor is not at home." The professor was absent-minded as usual, and he replied, "Well,

I'll come back tomorrow. "

The absent-minded professor was ill and had to be hospitalized. When the doctor came to the door of his ward, the nurse said:

"Professor, the doctor is here." The poor professor snorted and said, "Tell him I can't see him now. I'm sick.

It's amazing. "

Look forward

Teacher: "when it thunders, lightning and thunder are emitted at the same time." Why do we see lightning first and then hear thunder? "

Student: "Because the eyes are in front of the ears."

I see

When the school travels once a year, boys and girls in junior high school always come to play separately because of their different interests. Girls wear it.

Walking around in a bathing suit, showing yourself and enjoying the sunshine. The boy rolled up his trousers and caught it in the water.

Fish.

A teacher who looked after these children sighed, "I don't remember when I was in junior high school, were girls like this?"

Mature. "

"Sure, but you are busy catching small fish!" Another teacher said drily.

What is Battle of Red Cliffs?

Student: "Teacher, what is Battle of Red Cliffs?"

Teacher: "Bare arms are bare arms. Battle of Red Cliffs is naturally a war with bare hands. "

A monitor sleeps in class and asks his classmates to call him after class. The classmates play pranks.

Get up, class is over!

The monitor rubbed his eyes: Stand up!

At this time, only a dozen students stood up in a daze and said, thank you, teacher!

begin

At the graduation ceremony, the headmaster announced that the first student in the whole grade came to the stage to receive the prize, but after several consecutive phone calls, that

Only a few students walked slowly onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the students, "What's the matter? Are you sick? still

Didn't hear you clearly just now? The student replied, "No, I'm afraid other students didn't hear you clearly. 」

Bus anecdotes 1 set.

My high school classmate told me that once he took a bus with his classmates, because his classmates were fat and sloppy, and he

Soon after the classmates got on the bus, a little sister said in a childish and lovely voice, Aunt. This seat allows you to sit.

His classmates thought it was strange why this little sister wanted to give her seat, so they asked curiously: Why did you let her?

I didn't expect my little sister to answer confidently: the teacher said that when I saw a pregnant woman, I would

Excuse me. ! ... the whole car is dumb!

Bus anecdote episode 2

One day, a classmate goes to school by bus. The bus was crowded and it was raining heavily outside. Suddenly, he arrived at a station.

Someone is getting off the bus. It turned out to be a lady in a long skirt. She crouched down slightly to get the umbrella. Ah! Here we are, car.

Son also stopped to wait for her to get off! So she immediately stood up in a hurry (equal to pulling up), but I didn't expect the original skirt to squat down.

I walked for so long that I didn't notice when I was stepped on by someone next to me ... As a result, as soon as she stood up, her skirt

Bang, bang ... the hook is broken. To make matters worse, the skirt fell at the speed of free fall.

Drop ... only. Pants! At this point, the bus driver ... stayed there, and the whole car was full. Silence! Nobody dares to make a sound! !

When the lady stopped the car and ran out at a very fast speed, it took about a few seconds ... to find ... a bus.

I let out a loud laugh in the morning … it took a long time to stop! It turned out that everyone was shocked at that time, even more afraid to laugh and be afraid.

That girl cried, so she held back! After she jumped out of the car, she was just ... not ... alive ... let's hear it! !

What is courage? ...

They taught us what courage is in the mid-term exam of the philosophy department of a university. A student is on the test paper.

Write "this is it" and hand it in ... and get an A. ...

The last class

In the last class, the teacher asked: Does anyone want to express their opinions? Alfred, make a statement ...

Alfred: The teacher teaches very well.

The teacher nodded happily and asked, do you think it is worth learning from your classmates?

Alfred: Worth it.

The teacher smiled with satisfaction and asked, What's your reason?

Ah Fu said slowly: sleepy. Hurt. male ...

I saw the teacher's face suddenly changed. ...

college student

A college student went to work on his uncle's farm during the summer vacation. One day, his uncle asked him to milk and gave him a pedal.

Ask him if he is willing to squeeze ... college students say: I am a college student, and there is nothing I can't do. 1 hour later. 2 Xiao

When ... ... three hours ... after a long time, he finally came back. Uncle asked: What took you so long? The college student replied: milking.

It's simple, but it's more troublesome to let the cow sit on the pedal.

University proverb

Meals in Peking University Brand People's Hospital;

The girl from Beiwai, Han from Tsinghua;

The hooligans of the NPC are all over the street.

Tsinghua is a fool, Peking University is a madman, NPC is a liar, and Normal University is an asshole.

It is said that Americans are poor at math, and they will understand it when they come. A friend of mine is ta from the department of mathematics. male

Teach precalculus, (our school is a better school in science and engineering in the United States), and he has changed now.

On the test paper, I played a lot of jokes:

1。 When n= infinity, sinx/ n=6. Can you find out the reason? someone

Cancel the n in sinx with the n in denominator to get 6! ! !

2。 An example is given in class: when n = infinity, lim(n/ 8)

= infinity (8 spans), and then the exam has such a question: When n= =

Infinity, lim(n/5)=? The answer of several people turned out to be 5! !

Master of Tsinghua.

Tsinghua deserves to be the home of academic science and technology, and the chefs in the canteen are impressed by it. It is necessary to sit up and take notice!

One day, a southerner lined up to buy steamed buns.

Say to the master: think about steamed stuffed bun. There is no difference between four and ten. )

Host: How much?

This man: si?

Host: How much?

This man a nasty, come up to 1, "ten, of course.

The master replied, "I see! Then he quickly gave the man ten buns, and finally added, "I told you not to." "

It's too difficult! "

Everyone was stunned. ...

The teacher asked Marat safin, what did you eat there?

Gum! Marat safin replied.

Spit it out now! The teacher scolded.

No, said Fenfen, my friend Panda Kai just lent it to me! !

A group of pupils visited the museum. Xiao Weiming felt very tired after visiting everywhere and sat in a chair. teacher

I was surprised to see it from behind the commentator in the museum, but fortunately, the commentator hasn't seen it yet. The teacher whispered angrily to Wei.

Mingming: Get up! Are you out of your mind? That's Napoleon's chair! Ah, teacher, but my feet really hurt!

If he comes, I'll get up at once to make room for him! Wei Ming said.

Xiao Ming said to his parents as soon as he got home today, "Only I can answer a question the teacher asked at school today. 」

My parents proudly asked, "What's the problem?" The teacher asked: Who didn't hand in their homework? 」

The teacher asked the students: how to explain' sharing pain with others will halve the pain'?

Xiao Lun replied: If my father hits me, I will hit my brother at once!

Professor: xxx, please wake up the person next to you. This is a class, not a bedtime.

Student: Professor, please wake him up. You put him to sleep.

be late

A student was late for school.

The teacher asked: Why are you late?

Student A: I ate ten thousand!

The teacher said: You didn't even eat the food together!

translate freely

A university professor told his students: "in ancient times,' Lu' meant kissing, which was very vivid;" one of

The student asked, "If' Lu' means kissing, how does' Pin' explain the meeting of three people?"

Kissing? "

The professor was about to get angry when another student stood up and said, "I think the word' product' is easy to explain." What about the' device'? " Four people

What happened to the dog? "The whole class laughed, and the professor put down the book.

This young man is promising and worth teaching.

Teacher: "What's your name and why are you making trouble?"

Student: "My name is Wang."

Teacher: "Be polite to the teacher and be sure to address him as' sir', you know?"

Student: "OK, my name is Mr. Wang."

When a school takes a chemistry exam,

A secretly asked B to say

What is the chemical formula of water?

H2O

result

A wrote on the test paper

hijklmno

Insert it there

One day, during the circuit experiment, the intern teacher asked, "Some pins of the capacitor have different lengths, while others have different lengths.". What's the difference? "

Are you online? 』

A classmate replied, "put it in the bread version." 』

Teacher: "! @#$%^&； *()』

self-consolation

Heard that:

Homework can be handed in.

You don't have to write it yourself.

If you do, you may not.

You don't have to take the exam if you have it.

You may not pass the exam.

I may not graduate after that.

You may not find a job after graduation.

Looking for a job may not necessarily lead to a wife.

Having a wife does not necessarily mean having children.

Having a baby is not necessarily your own.

Oh, my God, why did you hand in your homework? !

Then I won't hand in my homework

Step on you ...

A famous botany professor in China and his teaching assistant were studying new varieties of plants when suddenly the teaching assistant asked the professor, "Teaching?"

Professor, what should I do when I go to an internship in a foreign country and meet plants I don't know? The professor replied: In order to avoid classmates.

Ask questions, so I usually walk in the front, and then, trample all the plants I don't know to death.

Campus joke (1)

Instructor: Why do you skip class quickly and frequently?

A Dai: I can't help it. I'm very talented.

Instructor: But you don't have to climb the wall any more.

A Dai: Really? Has the fence been removed?

Instructor: No, you have been expelled from school. You can go through the gate!

Campus jokes (2)

On campus, the honesty movement is strongly advocated.

Sheng: How can I reward you when you find the money?

Student B: I will give you a reward if I don't lose money.

Sheng: What about pornography and comics?

B: Will the tutor believe that you found it?

Just leave it to me.