Collect some jokes

1 The "New Queen" sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change..." The "bookworm" who was reading suddenly raised his head and asked: "Isn't the bathroom empty?"

2 The men's and women's bathhouses in the school share the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and met a school girl walking out in a sloppy state. The bookworm couldn't dodge and said hello: "Are there many people in there?"

3 Once I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us our food. Afterwards, a beggar came up with a bowl and walked up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he was asking for money. My friend was chatting with me, and he thought it was the waiter who was bringing the food, so he didn't turn around and took the rice bowl from the beggar's hand and put it in front of him. We were all stunned when we saw the beggar there, and he even wanted to cry without tears (I beat him to death

I never imagined that there would be people snatching jobs)~~~

4 I had a buddy in college I met a beautiful woman on campus and fell in love with her at first sight, and I was obsessed with her every day. One day at noon when he and I went out to eat, the beautiful woman was passing by. My buddy immediately pulled me to follow her. He saw the beautiful woman entering a restaurant, so we sat in too. I advised

my buddy: "You are already a senior, so hurry up~" So he mustered up the courage, walked forward, suppressed his blush and asked: "Classmate, what is your name?" That beauty

The woman looked at my buddy in shock: "My name is beef noodles." The guy was so stupid at the time, and I burst out laughing!

5 Tongtong asked his mother: "Why do you call Mr. Jiang 'ancestor'?" Mom said: "Because 'ancestor' is a name for the dead."

Tongtong said: "Should those deceased grandmothers be called 'Fresh Milk'?"

6 A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 o'clock in the morning and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class." "Now!" Then two people immediately got up to put on their clothes. I was playing on PC at the time.

7 One night after eating the bitter melon that I hate the most, I said: "XXX (my mother's name), why don't you make me bitter melon again

Death..." It may have been so loud that my mother who was sleeping in the other pavilion heard it. She angrily interrogated me the next morning.

..... I had a crazy K-fight... It can be said that I was beaten while hanging...

8 A classmate went horse riding during the day and was still excited at night. Later, We fell asleep and we played cards. After a while, the man said: Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!!!!

9 A classmate likes to smoke while pooping. Once he came out of the toilet and said loudly to us: "Ah~~it feels so good to smoke cigarettes and poop."

Crazy

Before 10, the first thing I said when I returned to the dormitory was: "Is there anyone who can call me?"

11 Once, I had a quarrel with my roommate in the dormitory, and he said he couldn't beat me. Beat and scold "You are my grandfather's son!" "The whole dormitory laughed wildly after a second of silence!

12 When I was a child, I had a stomachache after eating something bad. The next day I wrote a sick note to the teacher: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday and my stomach feels uncomfortable.

After taking it, I had diarrhea and vomiting in the morning. . .

"Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.

13 Once, I was eating at home with my cousin. I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissue paper. My cousin hurriedly shouted, "Hurry, hurry, go get some toilet paper." Toilet

14's deskmate dropped something on the floor. He bent down to pick it up and stepped on it with his feet. Unexpectedly, he stepped on his hand and he was furious: "How dare you step on my feet?!"

15 When I was in high school, classroom discipline was chaotic. The teacher grabbed XXX in anger and said: XXX, stand on the wall! ~~~~~~~~~~The whole class was furious

Han~~~

16 There was a time when a foreign teacher showed Mandarin in a large classroom while giving a lecture. I originally wanted to give him face, I praised him for speaking Mandarin very well, but the way he said it became your standard Mandarin. He spoke very well, Han, and people laughed at me.

17 and MM were in front of a stall selling soy milk and fried dough sticks. I shouted: "Boss, I want a piece of fried dough sticks with soy milk." MM burst into laughter.

18 My high school Chinese teacher said during class: You guys are like a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . The whole room burst into laughter!

20 There were so many people in the restaurant, I shouted loudly: Boss, please have some chili without seasoning. . . . The waiter also repeated loudly: Table 11, add some unseasoned chili! ! ! . . .

21 Me: That’s our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

Before 22’s mother went out to play mahjong, she said to me: “Put all your clothes in the refrigerator and pick up all the vegetables in the washing machine~~~~~

23 My girl was out shopping! Suddenly she saw a crow flying in the sky, so she said: "Oh, this frog flies so low!" I fainted

24 I always make this mistake...because I talk a lot

Once in junior high school, when I was reading a text, it was XX wandering in the corridor, so I read it as XX is in Lewdness in the corridor...the teacher's face turned red.

When I went out with my classmates in high school, there was a China Everbright Bank next to the school. It had just opened, so the red cloth was still hanging on the sign... but the cloth was already there

The Chinese characters were blocked... I pronounced it as "Guoguang Bank"... My classmates laughed like crazy, and I couldn't hold my head up for several years!

25 A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much, and then he made a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much wine. ．

On the 26th, I once listened to the radio. It was some kind of shopping guide hotline. When someone called in, the host asked him: "What is your surname?"

He replied: "No surname is required. Your Majesty!~~~~~"

Buying oranges at 27, the boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.

28 To the grandmother who reacted quickly: The day you were sitting on the bus, the 252 driver made an emergency brake. You lost your center of gravity and rushed out. You actually asked the driver:

"Look for me. What's the matter?"

29 To my dear students: Although instructor, I am really busy, but if you see me in the toilet, please don't say to me: "Instructor, you are so busy and you have to do it yourself

Go to the bathroom! ”

It was very hot for 30 days, but the school had a power outage from day to 10 o’clock at night. Our girls’ dormitory was very quiet at night. Everyone was enjoying the cool air on the balcony, boys

The dormitory was very lively. After a commotion, the boys seemed to have reached some kind of consciousness. They only heard an organized shout from the opposite corridor: "Incoming call, incoming call"

Call , we are going to call!" About 10 minutes later, the school actually called. There was a burst of cheers from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.

It was not until the lights-out time at 11 o'clock in the evening that the boys were due to a power outage. The time was too short, and they started to shout in unison again: "Delay, delay, we need to delay!"

The school, which has always been strict, actually agreed to this group of people's unreasonable request and extended it for the first time. The time of the call.

Just as we were getting ready to take a break, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boys were too excited, because their two normally could not

The request was actually fulfilled by the school, so... a more organized and powerful voice came from the boys' dormitory opposite:

"Women... ..Women...We want women!!!"

31 If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

32 A friend asked me about my computer Configuration, I said the monitor is a color screen. (Originally I wanted to talk about LCD)

A high school classmate (a boy) of class 33 walked into the noodle shop and flipped his hair coolly: "Boss, 2 liang of green onions and no rice noodles!" After that, he added:

"Please order more rice noodles!" Boss: "... Do you want rice noodles or green onions?"

34. One time, the mother of a classmate in the dormitory called me.

I'm used to saying "He's not here", but this time what I want to say is "He's gone out"

The result is: "He's... gone"

p>

35. Everyone in high school is given a name badge. . Before coming for an inspection once, the head teacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, everyone, put on your bras quickly and come for an inspection.

. The whole place was silent. . .

36. One time my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly shouted: "Your skin is so good, why do you still use Dabao?"

37. My dormitory A high school classmate of a classmate called and asked who he was looking for. I said he wasn't here and then said thank you.

38. Someone came to my aunt's house as a guest before and she just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said: "You guys sit down.

Sit down. I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" The car is not big. Once, after I got on the bus, there was no seat. A male colleague sitting next to me quickly stood up and greeted her enthusiastically: "So-and-so, you sit on my butt." Let’s go!” I was laughing until I got out of the car~!

40. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about an issue. We were at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, he slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid!

I am not stupid!

41. A buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At lunch time, two people entered a beef ramen restaurant. The girl said loudly to the chef: Hey, give me 2 bowls of ramen~~~ The chef said: Do you want to eat? I poop when I eat.

42. When I was young, people selling popsicles and ice cream usually pushed bicycles to sell them. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: The new ice cream is hot.

(I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)

43 Once the leaders of the Education Bureau inspected the recess exercises. After the end, the physical education teacher was supposed to announce the "disbandment", but in a hurry, he forgot the words and choked up.

For a long time, I shouted: "Retreat!"

44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan. I was half way up the mountain and was tired when I was about to take a break when I saw the road. There was an Obasan who was buying souvenirs nearby.

He went up and asked: "My wife..."

45. During self-study, everyone was there Watching the review, GG said to MM: "I just memorized the words, help me write them silently." MM didn't want to be silent, so GG begged her, please (touch) silence me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore and shouted, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (touch) him, but he insists on me (touching) him~~~!" ! !

46. One day I went to a classmate’s house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He originally wanted to call her uncle, but he made the mistake of saying, “Dad,”

Come and take a seat!”~~Han! Most of my classmates were laughing so hard

47. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, "Do you think I grew up eating?" I have always wondered what he grew up eating. "

48. When I was in elementary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I refused, he would stalk me. After that, I yelled with all my strength.

"I won't marry (lend) to you" At that time, the students immediately became quiet,,,.

49. Once at a ktv, when I asked for a song, a girl shouted loudly: Order a song for me. "Double Jaylen"...

50. I spit on your face!

51 I went to work this morning to catch the bus and arrived at the station. By that time, the car had started, so I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me!" Master, wait for me!

At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the car window and said to me: "Wukong, please stop chasing me." "

52 A customer ran into the tailor shop angrily.

Pointing to the fashion design designed for him by the shop owner, he said: "I stood on the corner of the street and yawned, and the two of them stuffed the letter into the shop. In my mouth! "

53 A primary school student participated in the school's recitation competition for the first time. She was very nervous. The teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally it was her turn. The primary school student gritted her teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps. : Teachers and classmates, the title of my recitation is: The red leaves are crazy (maple)... (the maple leaves are red)

54 When I was still a primary school student, I saw that the teacher asked me to read a composition. I am very envious of my classmates and always hope that the teacher will let me read it.

The opportunity has finally come.

So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!

The primary school student stood up and said: "My Teacher". Teacher, I look so much like your mother...

55 is a student of a song and dance troupe this time. A poor host.

She came on stage in a hurry without preparing properly. It was her turn to announce: Audience friends, please listen.

(Du)zi flute playing...

56 My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home during the Chinese New Year and told me with joy. Mom

said: Hey! Mom, this is so thick... My mom and I both laughed.

There is a neighbor I call Auntie every day. Riding a bicycle to work. In the morning, I met her at the door and said politely: Shanggu,

Taiban... Bah! bite off the tongue.