Thoughts from "I walked to the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau and ended up not getting divorced"

While browsing Baidu yesterday, I saw a question: "Have you ever walked to the Civil Affairs Bureau with your wife, but ended up not getting divorced?" I was curious about the answers, so I clicked in to take a look. Most netizens left messages: They were talking about their experience of going to the Civil Affairs Bureau for divorce with their partners, but not getting divorced in the end. I found several of the comments from netizens quite interesting.

Message 1: I found that among the couples who went to the Civil Affairs Bureau for divorce, those who cried and argued often did not divorce in the end. Instead, they were those who were calm or talking and laughing. Finally left.

Message 2: My husband and I went to the Civil Affairs Bureau for divorce three times. Each time it was Sunday and the Civil Affairs Bureau was not at work.

Message 3: When I went to apply for a marriage certificate, my husband suddenly asked the civil affairs staff, where is the divorce application window? Just in case you need it later.

Message 4: On the way to divorce, one of the parties found various reasons to run away secretly, but the divorce was not finalized.

Message 5: The civil affairs staff said we didn’t have all the materials and we had to go the next day, but then we didn’t go.

Message 6: On the way to the Civil Affairs Bureau for divorce, I started thinking about how good the other person was and couldn’t bear to leave.

After reading all the comments, I feel that many couples may not really want to divorce. When they quarrel, both of them are angry and impulsively say they want a divorce. But when they get to the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau, they are reluctant to let go.

In addition, after reading these comments, I also had a doubt: "Why do people sometimes have to wait until they are about to lose, or have already lost, before they know how to cherish and start to think of the good things in the other person?" ?

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2. What is satisfied is easy to be invisible or insensible

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory believes that people have five different needs Hierarchy of needs: 1. Physiological needs; 2. Safety needs; 3. Love and belongingness; 4. Esteem needs; 5. Self-actualization needs; and the order in which these five needs are satisfied will be different.

Judging from the above five basic needs, the "independent and dependent" attachment relationship between husband and wife will inevitably have certain needs for each other and a desire to obtain the satisfaction of these needs from each other. This will lead to two situations. One is: the needs that have not been met by the other party are always turbulent in the heart, and they are eager to obtain "psychological compensation" through other means, or to seek external needs satisfaction. The second is: Once the needs are satisfied, these satisfied needs will "disappear" in the heart of the person being satisfied; they will also be "invisible" in the eyes. The more times they are satisfied repeatedly, the more "invisible" they will become.

It seems that most people have such a mentality, thinking about unsatisfied needs in their hearts, and are always stimulated and pulled by unsatisfied needs; but once the needs are satisfied, they will ignore or Turn a blind eye, even disapprove, or even feel disgusted.

For example: When you are very thirsty, all you hold in your heart, think in your mind, and see in your eyes is "water". Once you drink it and you are satisfied, there will be no water in your heart, mind, or eyes. Water; sometimes even after drinking too much, I still feel a little disgusted and disgusted with water. (All in all, sometimes being too kind to others and over-satisfying other people's needs can easily make them ignore you or even get bored of you).

The same goes for getting along between husband and wife. When the other party meets certain of our needs, we tend to ignore and turn a blind eye to the other party's kindness to us. Sometimes the other party is too good to us, and we may even dislike it. At the same time, we are used to staring at each other and being dissatisfied that the other party does not meet our many needs, so we hope that the other party will improve to meet our best needs.

Therefore, when husband and wife live together, they tend to ignore each other’s good qualities and often see the other’s bad qualities. However, the other’s bad qualities are actually due to the fact that one’s own needs are not obtained from the other. satisfy. So when two people get along for a long time, they will always have conflicts because of each other's unmet needs.

But once you go to the Civil Affairs Bureau for divorce, it means that the needs that were previously met by the other party will be completely wiped out, and these needs will be solved by yourself in the future. The previously invisible "satisfied needs" immediately turned into the desired "unsatisfied needs", and then I began to think of the good things about the other person. For example:

In the past, my wife pooped and peed at home to take care of the children. In the future, I may have to take care of the children myself.

There was hot food when I got home before, but now it’s deserted when I get home.

...

Therefore, it is at this time that I begin to realize and recall all the good things about my wife, and I am reluctant to divorce.

After falling out of love, some young people often lament: "When we were together, I didn't cherish his/her kindness to me. After breaking up, I felt that I missed the person who was the best to me." .

Not only love and marriage, this kind of psychological stereotype of "not seeing when satisfied" and "ready to act when not satisfied" affects all aspects of us. For example:

When my parents were still alive, I didn’t spend much time with my parents. After my parents left, I felt that I had not fulfilled my filial piety.

When the child is healthy, parents project their own needs onto the child, asking the child to learn this and that. When the child is seriously ill, the parents expect that as long as the child grows up healthy and healthy.

When you are healthy and your limbs are intact, you cannot see it. When you become seriously ill, you realize that it is good to be alive.

You can’t see what you have now. After you have nothing, you will feel that it is good to have enough to eat and a comfortable bed.

…….

"When the country is in trouble, we miss our good generals; when we are poor, we miss our good wives." Many people, including me now, always fail to see it when they have it. Only after they are "deprived" do they know how to cherish it. In addition, what is even more frightening is that sometimes after the "deprived" needs are re-satisfied, they will not know how to cherish it, and become the same old thing again, "the scar is healed and the pain is forgotten", and the cycle repeats.

For example: When a couple quarreled, one party made a mistake and sincerely regretted it at the time, and the other party forgave him; maybe after a period of time, he would make the same mistake again.

In summary:

(1) It is necessary to realize that when a person is satisfied, he is "invisible", and what is unsatisfied is always "restless" psychology.

(2) Sometimes desire is: unable to see or feel what you own, but eager to obtain the stimulation and satisfaction of new needs. Moreover, desires are constantly being satisfied and upgraded. Desire is a derivative of satisfaction.

(3) A poor person’s joy of a delicious meal may be equivalent to a rich person’s joy of earning 100 million.

(4) If we cannot see what we have, no matter how strong the desire, no matter how high the pursuit, no matter how much we obtain, no matter how great the satisfaction is, once it is satisfied, no matter how much we have, we will There will be no feeling, and without feeling, you will naturally not be able to experience the happiness of possession. It's like even if you have a lot of money now, you can't be as happy as getting a lollipop when you were a child.

3. Several ways to improve "know how to cherish"

We have been playing and being constantly satisfied while constantly seeking new desire stimulation, but the happiness index has not improved much. Psychological games, through the following simple methods, can help us learn to cherish what we have now and feel more happy.

(1) "Be content with what you have": Through further cognitive understanding, you can learn to consciously discover, see, and feel what you have. At the same time, reduce or avoid desires that are not real needs; for a period of time many years ago, I adjusted my mentality by often thinking about the things I had and writing them down, and the effect was very good.

(2) "Appropriate deprivation of needs": occasionally experience hard days or hard work. For example, I walked for a day and was so tired that I wanted to give me a bed, which made me feel very happy. Another example is that "a little separation is better than a newlywed", which is also an appropriate deprivation of needs.

(3) "Sometimes I think about nothing": When I have a lot of things now, I often think about how I felt when I had nothing in the past.

(4) The more unhappy and unhappy you feel, and the more you feel that you have nothing, the more worthy of reference and reflection are the above three points.

Finally, when two people get along, they should see and feel how good the other person is to them, and express the good things they see and feel to the other person. Maybe the stories in the future will be better. no the same.