Three little jokes

There are quite a few, but they are all funny and have been verified

1. I was on a date with my girlfriend. I saw someone in front of me who looked very similar to my girlfriend, so I went up to take a photo. Get off her ass. She turned around and slapped me. At this time, someone tapped me on the shoulder... As soon as I turned around, my girlfriend slapped me.

2. The military training station was in military posture, and the legs were very sore. The instructor asked everyone to think of some beautiful things. After a while, the person next to me said: I’m hard!

3. I went to a friend's house to play. It happened that the friend's wife was breastfeeding (breast milk), but it happened that the child refused to breastfeed. So he joked to the child: Eat quickly, or your uncle will eat it. 55555, I dare not see them anymore.

4. When I was in school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, was holding a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's restroom." The math office was indeed next to the men's restroom, but on the left. The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" to the door. After a pause, a voice came from inside: "No entry!"

5. One day when I was drunk, I had to hold back my urine to urinate. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, pinch your penis, and then relieve yourself very smoothly. However. . My crotch felt increasingly wet. . . He opened his eyes and looked down carefully, and found that what he had just pinched was the thumb of the other hand. . . . . Speechless. .

6. I remember when I was in college and living in two places with my boyfriend. I usually use my mobile phone to keep in touch every day. One day, I called his cell phone and it was shut down. I happened to be going to the canteen downstairs to buy something, so I gave him 20 yuan to recharge his phone bill. Unexpectedly, as soon as I returned to the dormitory, my boyfriend called me. He said: Haha, I didn’t expect that there are such XB people in the world, and they actually charged up their phone bills... Three black lines immediately hung on my head...

7. Drunk I went home feeling dizzy and vomited soon after I got home. The next morning, my wife said: Just eat and drink when you go out, and don’t come home to report what you ate.

8. When I was in the third year of high school, our history teacher was named Jianwen. There was Emperor Jianwen in the Ming Dynasty. One day when I was taking "Ancient History", the history teacher came into the classroom and said "class", and the students below shouted "Long live my emperor, long live the emperor" in unison (of course it was premeditated). What's more powerful is that the history teacher calmly replied: "Everyone loves me~Ping Sheng." Orz~ Wow~~ At this time, the whole class was still standing....

9. When I was in college In the first aid class, cardiopulmonary resuscitation first aid, the professor explained and demonstrated: Professor: When pressing the chest with both hands, do not use too much force. Just press down 2~3cm. Too much force can easily break the patient's ribs! Professor: Please see the demonstration below (press hard with both hands), there will be a click! The model's ribs were broken. Embarrassed, I said, get out of class is over~

10. I went to my boyfriend’s house to spend the night, took a shower, saw a piece of soap, picked it up and used it. It felt weird when I used it. After I washed it, my boyfriend kissed me and smelled something wrong. He asked me, "Didn't you use the soap you used to bathe Laifu?"

11. My wife looked at my little nephew. In the photo of him just after he was born, he laughed and said, "Look, he still has a little penis." As a result, my little nephew coldly called him "a gangster."

12. Last night, I had sex with my wife. She was lying on the table. In the middle of it, I saw my wife touching the table twice, picked up a walnut and started to bite it. I collapsed. , said: Wife, we only do this once a week, can you be more professional?

13. That day, I suddenly received a call: "Guess who I am? If you guess it, you will get a gift!" I guessed all the possible people, but it was still wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who the hell are you? If you don't tell me, I'll hang up the phone!" As a result, the man said, "I'm a courier, and you have a package..." I vomited blood at that time.

14. Loyalty is offensive! 1. If you are a man, please don’t get a dog. 2. If you get a dog, don’t get a dog that can jump on the bed. 3. If you have a dog that can jump on the bed, you should never sleep naked. 4. If you really like sleeping naked, don’t feed your dog with sausages.

5. Lessons from the past~~~ Moppers should keep this in mind!

15. Is this photo of you? It's so beautiful. It helped me save a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year.

16. I passed a street that day and found that the street was full of street girls. One of them actually greeted me warmly: "Handsome guy, come and have some fun~" I yelled at her in a rough voice: "I like men!" So she didn't even bother to look at me again, and her head turned. He left without returning. In fact, I am telling the truth, I do like men. I was wearing a sunhat, sunglasses, and jeans that day. I'm relatively tall. Because it was too hot in the summer, I cut off my long hair. More importantly, it seems that I need to enlarge my breasts...

17. Today, I went to dinner with my colleagues after get off work. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with chili and found a hair in it. Then my colleague Pick up your hair with chopsticks and shout, Boss~~Look what this is? The boss looked at it and yelled, "Come on!" Give this lady a pair of chopsticks

18. I sent a text message to my boyfriend using Fetion on my mobile phone, and it was sent to a fellow countryman with whom he has a good relationship. It said, "Husband, don't worry, my aunt is here..." ”

19. After physical education class one day, I was so hungry that I went to the restaurant to eat. There were many people, it was too crowded, and it was chaotic. I shouted to the aunt who was cooking: "My meal speed Order!", the aunt shouted to the cook inside: "Hurry up inside! The beggars are waiting in a hurry."

20. When I was walking in the supermarket, I saw a cashier counting the items carefully. A child ran past a pile of coins, singing as he ran: A group of ducks are passing under the bridge in front of the door, come on, come on, count them, two, four, six, seven, eight. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and threw back the half-counted coins and counted them again....

21. When I was in the fifth or sixth grade of elementary school, I was watching TV at my cousin's house one night. Watch CCTV-6. When it came to the sex scene, my aunt took the remote control and wanted to change the channel, saying: Children can't watch this. The younger brother grabbed the remote control and shouted: Don't worry, CCTV won't take it off.