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When the train entered the tunnel, it was dark, only a kiss was heard, and then a slap in the face.

When the train got out of the tunnel, four strangers didn't say a word. Only one person's eyes were blue.

The old lady thought, "This little girl has a beautiful heart."

The girl thought, "Strange, man A would rather kiss the old lady than me."

Man A thought, "Man B is so cunning. He stole the girl's mouth and I was beaten! " "

Male B thought, "I kissed the back of my hand and slapped A again, and no one noticed."

I went to the bathroom to wash my face and saw a buddy struggling with a basin of clothes.

Rub it so hard that you sweat.

When I finished washing clothes and was ready to leave,

I found that he had moved to another basin and rubbed it hard.

At that time, I regarded him as an idol and felt that "it is cruel to wash two pots of clothes at once!"

I just wanted to praise him, but he said to me with a sad face, "I just washed the wrong clothes ..."

A true story from a friend: a woman took a driving test and a road test. Get off the bus in front, it's her turn, very nervous! She got off from the right, then went around to the left and opened the car door ... and then she shouted, Coach! Where is the steering wheel! The examiner looked back at her and said calmly, you opened the back door. ...

When I returned to Guizhou last night, I wanted to be a stewardess in Doby on the plane, but I was washed away by the stewardess. When I delivered the meal, I said, do you have a tissue? MM took out a tissue from her pocket and handed it to me. By the way, do you have a toothpick? She took it out of her other pocket. Brother depressed asked you if you have disposable chopsticks? MM handed me chopsticks and said something that made me petrified: Do I look like Doraemon?

Today, I heard a conversation between two people on the subway: "What a coincidence! We were all pregnant when we were young! Give a young marriage to future children! " "Well, if we all have boys, let them be gay; If it is a girl, let them be lilies; If it's a man and a woman ... let them be brother and sister! ! "damn it! ! In an instant, my outlook on life and values were completely subverted. .

A male student of an art college had a long-term relationship with a female nude model, which eventually got the female model pregnant. The school wants to punish the male student, but it is difficult to find the applicable school rules. After several discussions, the student was finally ordered to drop out of school on the grounds of "destroying teaching tools and causing serious deformation". . .

My classmate and her friend went to eat pizza. When my classmate paid the bill, the money happened to be given to the waiter. A boy suddenly called me over. Then he robbed the waiter of 100 yuan and put it in his wallet. Then he took out 100 yuan from his wallet and paid the bill. The whole movement was smooth, leaving a row of girls behind. . .

Supermarkets in the community provide home delivery service. One day, my father wanted to eat pancakes, so he asked my mother to call the supermarket. Mom: "Supermarket? Do you have pancakes at home? " Supermarket: "Yes." Dad suddenly interjected: "We still have some in the refrigerator, so we don't need to order." Then I heard my mother say into the phone, "Hey, my family has it, too."

The child asked his mother, "How to make sentences with ABCDEFG?" Mom: "A! Is this child B from the C family? Standing barefoot on D, EF is not wearing, and little GG is still exposed!

One day, someone met three big men and wanted to hit him. So he got into a fight with those three men. "? When I came back, I blew up the cow and said, "I let them fight for two hours without knocking me down." " ? People ask what's going on? ? He said, "Tie a tree and hit it. "

I always had a crush on her when I was studying, but I didn't have the courage to express myself, let alone touch her. She got married after graduation, and my husband and I were classmates. That afternoon, she was breast-feeding, and I made a good excuse. I walked up to her, put my hand on her MIMI, and then told her doll to call uncle, don't shout, don't eat!

Introverted Xiao Zhang saw a beautiful woman in a bar. ? After a long hesitation, he finally got up the courage, approached her and asked in a low voice, "Can I talk to you?" ? Suddenly the woman shouted, "no, I won't sleep with you!" " " ? The whole bar was staring at them. Embarrassed, Xiao Zhang blushed and didn't say anything, so he returned to his seat with great grievance. ? After a while, the woman walked up to Xiao Zhang and whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm studying psychology." I just want to test people's reactions in embarrassing situations. " ? This is, Xiao Zhang shouted loudly, "Do you want 200 yuan? It's too expensive! "

In the supermarket, I saw a crab with flowers climbing from the freezer of 18.9 yuan to the cabinet of 28.9 yuan. My face is covered with cows. You're too fucking ambitious!

Just a gust of wind, so eternal, just a dream, so real, you bowed your head and said nothing, but I couldn't calm down. I finally can't help telling you, let me know the next time you fart!

Young hot mom took her three-year-old son by bus. Hot mom holds her son in her lap, and her son has his back to hot mom. It was quiet all the way. After a long time, the son suddenly turned his head and asked loudly, "Mom, can I ask you a question?" Hot mom: "Ask." The son said, "What have you been doing with your hand on my penis?" ! I put up with it for a long time! "The whole car hilarious! !

A gentleman went to test his driver's license. During the oral examination, the examiner asked, "You saw a dog and a man in front of the car. Did you run over the dog or the man?" Without thinking, the gentleman replied, "Of course, he ran over the dog." The examiner shook his head and said, "Come back next time." The gentleman is not convinced: "I don't run over dogs, do I run over people?" The examiner reprimanded loudly: "You should brake."

There is an advertisement on the glass window of a clothing store: whether you buy it or not, it is polite to enter the door. ? I thought to myself, this shop doesn't look so good. I didn't expect it to be so awesome! As soon as I stepped into the door, the hostess standing at the door bowed and said, "Welcome, little girl."

When I was a child, my parents took me home one day and caught me in the middle when I was walking … I don't know which nerve took the wrong line and sang a song "A chicken in the left hand and a duck in the right hand …"? My dad stares at me. All he has to do is slap my mouth ...? Who knows my mother went on to sing, "I made me vomit blood at once …" There was a toad in the middle, gnome male-",gnome male-",gnome male-",gnome male-"! "

Professor Yi is a writer. He didn't have a grandson until he was over seventy. He thinks the child should be called Yi Dongpo. The father of the child is a Peking Opera actor and thinks it should be called Yi Lanfang. Xiao Yan is a fan and thinks it should be called Yi Xueyou. Finally, Professor Yi said: Put Su Dongpo's collected works, Mei Lanfang's photos and Jacky Cheung's records on the ground and let the children choose for themselves. I saw the child climb to the corner, picked up an empty coke can and laughed. Everyone exclaimed: Does this child want to order cans?

The deskmate changed the QQ name to "before your father died" and added our class teacher. So the class teacher's QQ often prompts: Your father asked to add you as a friend before he died. Your father invited you to play in the parking space before he died. Your father gave you a QQ show before he died. Your father stole your food before he died. Your father reported you before he died. Your father forwarded your Weibo before he died. . . The fiercest: Your father left you a message before he died.

One day, my cousin went to the primary school attached to Normal University to play basketball. He heard a junior girl ask a junior boy on the playground, "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly, "My mother gives me money from 3 yuan every day, of which 2.5 yuan is for you to buy snacks.". Do you think I love you or not? ! ! "

"How did you hurt your leg? ! "The doctor asked? "Thirty years ago, I quit my odd jobs from a rich family and planned to go back to my hometown to find a woman to get married. On the eve of departure, the beautiful rich daughter stood in front of me in gauze pajamas and asked me what I needed with tears. I replied that I needed a thick blanket? The old man sighed and then said, "I was repairing the roof this morning, and I fucking figured it out!" "I dropped it."

A pair of lovers fall in love, and the man always likes to say, "I'm going to kill you!" " "I haven't seen you for a few days. The woman found a man's unit, and the man asked, what's wrong? The woman whispered, "Nothing, just don't want to live ..."

The EU constantly accuses China of failing to crack down on piracy, because there are only seven Ferraris in China, and the global limit is six!

The worst character is to stare at an ugly woman for a long time and then sigh and say, "Shit, this dinosaur did it!" " ! It's so real ... "

A man knocked down a strange old man on a motorcycle in downtown! That man was scared out of his wits! More and more people are watching! Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and cried in tears: "Dad, wait for me, I'll find a doctor for you!" " "After that, he ran. . . The old man struggled and shouted angrily, "Come back!" "Everyone expressed their feelings:" This son is really filial! "

When I was in junior high school, I had my first period. Because I didn't understand and didn't prepare in advance, I got a stool of blood. Fortunately, the stool is dark red! After class, I took advantage of everyone's activities and secretly changed the chairs in the back row ... Three years later, a boy in my class and I were admitted to a key high school. When reporting for duty, the boy looked around the new campus and said with emotion, "I finally came out." You see how bad our junior high school environment is, just say that the stools are broken and the paint is always falling off! "

Once in class, the female teacher who was taking a physiology class just finished class and asked: Students, who still don't understand, please ask the teacher. At this moment, a classmate raised his hand. Ask the teacher: "Teacher, are men more comfortable when it is * *?" Or are women more comfortable? "The teacher talked with her for a long time. But he still doesn't understand. The teacher gave her a metaphor. Say: "Then you pick your nose with your hand, is it cool?" "Still cool?" He thought. Hmm. It's a cool nose! Sit down. The teacher asked, are there any students who don't understand? You can raise your hand and ask the teacher. Then the classmate raised his hand again. Ask the teacher: "Teacher, why do women have menstruation?" . Can't * * that? "The teacher gave her another metaphor. Said, "So when you have a nosebleed. Do you still pick your nose with your hands? "When students think about it, well, yes! Soon, he raised his hand and asked the teacher a question, teacher. " Since women are more comfortable than men, why do women resist when men are stronger than women? "The teacher was angry and patted the table and said," When you are walking on the road. Someone else will pick your nose. Would you like to ~

Once I went shopping with my boyfriend and played a trust game with him. I closed my eyes and he led me away. I persisted for a long time until I got on the subway smoothly. There were many people on the subway, but my boyfriend helped me sit down. Then, he whispered in my ear, "Don't open your eyes, this seat was given by someone else."

The dormitory is on the sixth floor. ? When I climbed up, I found that I didn't have my key. Go downstairs and ask your aunt for it, then climb up and open the door. ? Go down and return the key, then climb up and find the door closed. ? The classmate next door passed by and said, "Look, your door is open. I will turn it off for you. "

Once I rented a mystery comic book in Mamba, and I burst into tears when I saw the second page. I don't know what the hell drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote: This is the murderer.

A: "Pony, what's your name? Why don't people call you by your first name? " ? B: "Don't mention it, even my parents don't call me by my name. ? As soon as I was born, they fell in love with The Dragon Slayer. There was a Zeng A Niu in it, so they named me Huang Ama! "

767th floor

Dude, he looks white and clean. Once on the bus, I felt someone touching his ass behind me, rubbing and pinching. He turned around and saw a miserable big brother. The buddy said coldly, "I'm a man." Eldest brother said, "Never mind, don't be nervous." Said, and the whole body propped up. My buddy has never encountered such a thing, and he is too nervous to fight fiercely. When I got off at the next stop, I was relieved that the man didn't follow. Later, I suddenly found that my mobile phone wallet had been touched.

A male teacher said angrily to a girl who was sleeping in class: I'm so tired up there, don't move down there! If you don't cooperate, you won't even respond If you have nothing in your stomach in the future, don't blame the teacher! As a result, the whole class fainted . . ?

Last time I saw two Frenchmen, one might be Mr. China, and the other should be his student. The teacher happily pointed to the China calendar and said to the students: Lei Feng. You see, these two words pronounce' Lei Feng'. This is Lei Feng Memorial Day. He is very famous in China because he helped many people before his death. The student said admiringly, "You are well informed!" With that, they left happily. I leaned over and saw on the calendar: "First Frost"!

Announcement: The first prize ticket says "Tractor" and you can get100000 yuan in cash. I went, took the lottery ticket, and slowly scraped it open. A word "drag" appeared, breathing was obviously accelerated and the heartbeat was irregular. I closed my eyes and dared not scrape any more. Friends around me said, scratch it, let's go and receive the prize! I scraped it off with my eyes closed. It turned out to be "slippers". In just a few seconds, I realized that hope and despair are exactly the same.

I went to work by bus this morning. There were really many people on the bus. I finally stopped and looked around. I have a habit of familiarizing myself with the surroundings after I get to 1 a new environment, just in case something goes wrong. ) I suddenly found 1 man and 1 woman in a row of seats. But at the moment, the man put his hand on the woman's chest. I often see what bus perverts are reported. I didn't know I was lucky today. I met her once. I saw that woman's expression as if nothing had happened. I am very depressed. Look at the people around you. A few people are staring, and some people look away as if nothing had happened. Indeed, the world is sad, even the parties themselves do not resist! At that time, I thought they knew each other, maybe they were lovers. In fact, I thought about it later. According to my age, it won't be husband and wife or lovers. This woman is only in her twenties at most. After a few pauses, suddenly, the man's hand pulled the woman's clothes away. Wow! I was a little excited. Do you know what happened before I came to my senses? Men actually put their mouths together. . . . . . . . At this moment, no one stood up and said a word, including myself. . . . . . . . After I arrived at the company, I told several colleagues about it, because I also felt that what I did at that time was very wrong. My colleagues were very angry after listening to it, although they were not gentlemen at ordinary times. Finally, Xiao Zhang asked me, "How old is that man and what does he look like? Later, the brothers outside saw it and abolished it. " . "I said," according to my estimation, that person will not exceed 10 months. . . "

I went to a familiar western restaurant for dinner at the weekend and found that the interior of the restaurant had just been renovated and the clothes of the waiters had changed. I found the waiter put an extra spoon in their jacket pocket. So I called my familiar Henry and asked him about his recent changes. Henry told me that the restaurant owner recently invited Accenture to consult on business process reengineering to improve the work efficiency and service quality of the restaurant. After two weeks of on-site work, Accenture's consultants found that 33.333% of the dining tables would have spoons dropped on the floor during the meal. In the past, waiters had to go to the kitchen alone to change spoons for guests. If you put a spare spoon in the waiter's coat pocket, they don't have to go to the kitchen alone, and they can change the spoon on the way when serving next time, which can improve the waiter's labor productivity 17.365%. Just then, the table next to me jingled: they dropped their spoons. I saw Henry calmly take out a spare spoon from his pocket and put it on the guest in time. Seeing this, I admire Accenture's advice. At this time, I noticed that there was a string outside the zipper of all the waiters' pants, which was as hard to find as the hidden bra strap. So I put this new question to Henry: "What is this rope for?" Henry looked around, leaned down and whispered, "Good eye! Not everyone observes like you! " Henry went on to say, "Accenture found through on-the-spot observation and data analysis of restaurant workflow that waiters have to urinate 5. 125 times per shift, and it takes an average of 1.306 minutes to wash hands and dry after urinating. Accenture's consultant suggested that we tie this rope on it, so that we can directly pull out the work every time we urinate, which can avoid hand contact, save the trouble of washing hands and drying, improve the labor productivity of waiters, and save the utilities of restaurants ... "After listening to Henry's introduction, I admire Accenture company even more. However, I still have a little doubt: "Henry, you can pull the work out with a rope, but how can you put it back without hands?" Henry looked around carefully again, leaned down and said to me in a lower voice, "I don't know how others solved it, but I used that spoon ..."; "

The little white rabbit meets the big bad wolf, and the little white rabbit says, Big bad wolf, you ask me if I am a little white rabbit, you ask me! ! ! ! The wolf said, are you a white rabbit? The little white rabbit is very happy: yes, yes, I am! ! ! Then the white rabbit said: Wolf Wolf, please ask me if I am a giraffe, please ask me quickly! ! ! ! The wolf is helpless: OK ... So ... Are you a giraffe? The white rabbit patted him on the back of the head: you idiot! I told you I was a white rabbit! !

Once I read a post, a post that almost no one replied. The landlord said he would rob the 999th floor. On the 998th floor, the landlord called me. Suddenly a group of people robbed 999. All the replies have been made.