Shaanxi joke cow

1: One day, mosquitoes and mantis went to peek at a woman taking a bath. Mosquito proudly said: you see, I stabbed her chest twice ten years ago, and now it is so swollen; Mantis said unconvinced, what's the matter? I cut her between her legs ten years ago, and now she is bleeding every month. ...

In the hospital, a family is very happy to have a baby. When the baby was born, he spoke. The child said, "Grandpa." Grandpa sighed when he died. The child said, "Grandma." Grandma sighed when she died. The child said, "Dad." His father died and saw that he was not dead. At this time, the child's uncle died.

3. Kangaroos and frogs fuck chickens. The kangaroo finished it with three strokes and two strokes, and only listened to the frog next door all night. One, two, three. Hey! I envy the package sd mouse. The next day, the kangaroo said, "Wow! ~ ~ Brother Frog, you are great! . "The frog said," Fuck, I didn't jump on the bed all night! " ~~"

4. An elephant asked the camel, "Why do your breasts grow on your back?" The camel said, "stay away, I don't talk to things with dicks on my face!" " "The snake laughed wildly after listening to the conversation between the elephant and the camel. The elephant turned to the snake and said, "Laugh! You have a face on your penis, you are not qualified! "

A poor scholar studied hard and wrote a couplet in front of the door to encourage himself. The first couplet reads:' Sleeping in the Cottage Closing Speech', the second couplet reads:' Lying on the foot and playing the flute', and the second couplet reads:' Willing to listen to destiny'. One day, a Henan man passed by and was curious to see this couplet. He read aloud in his hometown dialect: "Who did my ass?" ,' I told him to make it hurt' ... Yo, and comments! But this time he read backwards: "Do it again tomorrow!" " "

6. The kindergarten female teacher led the students to swim and accidentally showed an X hair. A student asked the teacher, what is that? The female teacher pulled it out cruelly and said it was a thread!

7. The little girl always shows off her new toys to the little boy. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say, you will never have this! The girl also took off her pants and said, my mother said that as long as you have this, you can have as many things as you want!

A girl confessed her crime to the priest ... Girl: Father, I am guilty. Father: Son, what crime have you committed? Girl: Yesterday, I scolded a man: "You son of a bitch! Father: Why? Did he do something to you? Girl: He ... He touched my chest. Father: You mean like this? (The priest reaches out and touches the girl's chest) Girl: Hmm … Yes. Father: You have no reason to scold him like that. Girl: But … take off my clothes again … Father: You mean like this? Girl: Yes, that's right. Father: But you still have no reason to scold him. Girl: Then ... he turned off the light and carried me to bed, so ... Father: (* laughs) You mean like this? (The priest also turns off the light and puts the girl to bed ... Girl: (A few minutes later) Yes ... That's it. Father: My dear child, even so, you still have no reason to call him "you …" Girl: But he has AIDS! ! Father: That son of a bitch! ! !

9. The driver sent the leader to the literary evening, and the leader entered the venue. The driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said that I am a system with the leader. The security guard said: Chicken X and eggs are also a system. Chicken X went in, but can eggs go in?

10; A man came to a local gym to lose weight in order to slim himself down. There are all kinds of fitness programs in the gym, which looks quite complicated, so this guy chose the cheapest one, that is, losing one catty an hour. He was taken to a house where a naked girl stood. The sign said, "If you can catch me, you can fuck me!" " "This guy immediately accepted the challenge and started chasing the girl, but every time he was about to catch the girl, he ran away from her. An hour passed, and he still didn't catch the girl. The fitness instructor took him to weigh himself, just a pound less. " "That's good," the guy thought. I can lose weight and be happy. "This time he chose a slightly more expensive weight loss plan, and he could lose two pounds an hour. He was taken to a room where two naked girls stood. They both held signs that said, "If you can catch me, you can fuck me!" " "This guy was so excited that he tried to catch up with the two girls, but the last one didn't catch up. An hour later, the coach weighed him again, just losing two pounds. At this time, this guy was angered. He told the manager that he would choose the most expensive weight loss plan. The manager assured him that he would lose ten pounds in an hour, but added that the plan was very dangerous. This guy thinks, isn't it just a few more girls? The more opportunities, the more opportunities, and at least one can be caught. He urged the manager to send him to the most expensive room quickly, although the manager kept telling him of the danger. So the man was taken to a house a little farther away. They let him in and locked the door outside. The room was dimly lit and a chimpanzee was waiting for him. He saw a sign in his hand that said, "If I catch you, I'll fuck you."

1 1: A naked woman ran into a taxi and the driver looked at her all over. The girl scolded, "What are you looking at? Have you never seen a naked woman? " The driver said, "I just want to see where your money comes from."

12: Lao Shi and Lao Lin always tease each other every time they meet. One day, Lao Lin suddenly touched Lao Shi's bald head and said, "You are really like my wife's ass." Lao Shi smiled and touched his bald head, and then said sympathetically, "Well! Exactly the same. "

13: maid a: "pity me, I have to keep saying" yes, madam; Yes, madam.

Maid B: "I am even worse. I have to keep saying "no, sir" every day; No, sir.

14: Spaniards like beef balls.

After each bullfight,

They all cut off the testicles of cattle and ate them.

One day,

A Spaniard went to a restaurant to order beef balls.

The waiter in the restaurant said:

You paid a deposit,

Give it to you tomorrow.

The next day,

This man came to get the cow pills,

It turns out that the pills are very small.

Just ask why,

The waiter replied, "sir, not every bullfight will lose ~ the matador lost today ~" "

15: A driver, because he is always on the move, keeps a parrot to talk to relieve the fatigue of the journey.

Parrots live up to their masters' high expectations and learn to speak quickly.

One day on a long trip, there were hens in the carriage and parrots were put among the chickens.

It's late at night, I feel bored, and suddenly my eyes shine.

A beautiful woman beckoned for a ride, and she was overjoyed and got on it.

I am very happy when I walk and watch, and I can't help but have evil thoughts.

Think about the wilderness, how dare a beautiful woman disobey and speak boldly: "Beauty, can you kiss me?"

The woman is very determined and says "no". The driver added, "Can you touch it?" The woman also said, "No."

When the driver got angry, he said, "No, get down."

So I drove the beautiful woman down. Moving on, soon, my conscience and color heart still exist, and I regret it.

Turn around and invite beautiful women. Beauty wants to answer it.

The driver felt glad and said to himself, with my kindness, I can do anything!

Soon after the trip, I stopped and asked the beautiful woman, "Beauty, can I kiss you?"

The woman refused, said "no" and asked "Can I touch it?" The woman replied, "No."

The driver was very angry, said "No, get off" and drove him off again.

Repeatedly, the driver finally failed.

Seeing the finish line approaching, the driver thought, no, there is no chance.

The beauty asked again, "Beauty, can I kiss you?" The woman still said, "No."

"Can you touch it?" Women still say "no". The driver was very angry and said, "No, get down." Get it away and leave it alone.

In the end, my god, a car full of chickens was gone.

While wondering, I suddenly saw the parrot holding the last hen and asked, "Beauty, can I kiss you?"

The hen shook her head. The parrot added, "Can you touch it?" The hen also shook her head.

The parrot replied, "No, go down" and threw the hen out of the car.

The driver was helpless and drove the parrot down.

16: One day, a lady was sitting on a bus with a bottle of fresh milk in her hand. When the bus arrived at a big station, there were more and more people, and it was so crowded that it was hard to breathe ... Soon the fresh milk taken by the young lady was crowded with stockings. The young lady was furious: yuck! ! Don't squeeze! You've milked her.

17; The goddess of Aihe River in Kaohsiung came to the city council one day and asked for one for them.

Official professional name ...

Congressman: What title are you going to use? Is this not good?

W: Not bad .. We want a more formal name. ...

Congressman: Then you have to use it.

* female:: We will use a new name-> >; * people ..

At this time, the reporters who were originally nearby flew into a rage. ...

Reporter: how can I ... this is not confusing.

At this moment * woman loudly say .....

Why not? Your reporter is a "service industry". So are we. ..

"Welcome to contribute" ... so do we! !

18: A young girl and a handsome guy are dating in the park. Suddenly, I was a little embarrassed. The girl asked, "What's the matter with you?"

Xiao Sheng said shyly, "I want to be convenient." The girl was puzzled, and only when she saw Xiaosheng walking to the public toilet did she know that "convenience" meant going to the toilet.

After a while, the girl asked Xiao Sheng, "When will you come to my house to play?"

Xiao Sheng replied, "I want to go at your convenience." ……

19: An old man was staying at an old friend's house because his wife was in labor.

The friend asked why?

Answer: don't mention it! My daughter-in-law squeezed me out when she gave birth.

20. Professor Huang flew into a rage in the class of a girls' school: "I was half dead up there, but you didn't move. I have paid so much back and forth, have I absorbed anything? 」

2 1: When couples want to have sex, they always use "washing clothes" as a code word. One day, after bickering and quarreling, because his wife was angry and his husband needed money, it was inconvenient to have sex with her, so he had to ask his son to send a message on his behalf: (Mom, dad said the clothes were dirty and needed washing. Mother was very angry and said, (tell your father that the washing machine is broken and won't be washed today. A few days later, it was the wife's turn. She asked her son to send a message for her: (Go and tell your father that the washing machine has been repaired and you can wash clothes. The son immediately said: (mom, dad told me it was unnecessary. He has washed his hands. )

22: One wet afternoon, in the quiet library, Adek was reading all morning and felt a little tired. He couldn't help stretching himself and accidentally bumped into the girl next door. The girl was shocked! Knocked over the drink on the table and got wet. Ade was embarrassed and immediately apologized to the girl: "Miss! I'm sorry! I scared you! I will take care of it. The girl turned her head and said to Ade seriously, "Classmate! Have some common sense! You just touched me. I can't fertilize, but you make me wet. You'd better clean it with toilet paper quickly! 」

23: An alcoholic went to the street to buy wine. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of a notice posted in a hotel on the corner: "As long as you complete three difficult problems, you can drink wine for free for one year"! ! The drunkard saw that it was now or never, so he went in and asked the bartender to have a few drinks first. The bartender said, "Are you going to challenge three difficult problems?" The drunk said, "All right." "First of all, you must finish this cup of tequila with pepper in one breath." "Second, there is a hippo with a toothache in our backyard for a long time. You must pull out its teeth. " "Third. See the apartment opposite? There is a woman who has not been satisfied for a long time. You have to satisfy her. " Hearing this, the drunkard was eager to try, so he drank the tequila in one breath. Suddenly, he felt that the whole person was going to burn, and he rushed to the backyard with all his strength. The screams of hippos came from the backyard immediately. After a while, the drunk rushed out and asked the bartender loudly, "Come on! Where do you think the woman with toothache is?

24: A foreigner comes directly to Taiwan Province Province to learn Chinese. But he never understood the difference between "iron" and "steel". One day, he came home very late. As a result, the door downstairs could not be opened. He had to shout loudly upstairs, "landlady, your steel door won't open." ....

It is said that one day, when a policeman was patrolling, he passed an alley and suddenly heard a conversation.

A: "What should I do about this?" B: "Let's kill her first, then kill her ..."

Just then, the policeman grabbed the door without saying anything and saw two people standing in the kitchen with a fish in their hands. ...

27: One beautiful morning, the sky was very clear, but a farmer sat at the door drunk and lost his mind.

A passer-by asked curiously, fellow villager, the weather is so good today, why don't you enjoy it and drink here instead?

The farmer replied, well, there are some things you can never explain.

Passerby: What misfortune happened?

Farmer: Today, when I was milking the cow, I poked it. The cow kicked over the tongs with her left foot.

Passerby: Bad luck, but not bad enough.

Farmer: Well, there are some things that you can never explain.

Passerby: What's next?

Farmer: I tied her left leg to a post with a rope and squeezed it. As a result, a bucket was just full, and she kicked it over with her right leg.

Passers-by asked with a smile, and then what?

Farmer: Well, there are some things that you can never explain. I also tied her right leg to the post, just filled a bucket, and she swept it down with her tail.

Passerby: It's bad enough. Forget it, don't be sad.

Farmer: Well, there are some things that you can never explain.

Passerby: What else? !

Farmer: I don't have a rope this time, so I'm going to tie her tail to the post with a belt. I pulled out my belt and grabbed her tail. At this moment, my pants fell off and my girlfriend came in. ......

29: A village head wanted to do something big. After careful investigation, he sent a plan to his superiors, which read: "Tile the Great Wall, and the equator is inlaid with gold; Install elevators on Mount Everest; Across the Pacific Ocean.

Leader's instruction: Don't aim too high, but do more practical and small things.

So the village chief made another investigation and wrote another letter. It says: put gloves on all flies; All mosquitoes wear masks; Put fetters on all the mice; Put condoms on all locusts.

30; There is a pupil who has a crush on his teacher for a long time. One day, he finally got up the courage to confess to the teacher. The teacher kept telling him that he was wrong and so on.

However, primary school students are stubborn and just don't listen. They also say that love has no age.

Finally, the teacher couldn't stand it. He said, "I don't want children! I saw the pupils show a satisfied smile and said, "Teacher, I will be very careful!"! ? "

3 1; One day, Xiaoming came to visit his future mother-in-law. Mother-in-law: "Sit anywhere, the food is almost ready!" " "Then I went into the kitchen and began to get busy. At this time, only nervous Xiao Ming and his mother-in-law's dog Xiao Bai were left in the living room.

Suddenly, Xiao Ming found a sharp pain in his stomach. He thought, no! I must hold back! But he couldn't help it, poof! He farted invincible, and he thought, this is a dead man, and he will be driven out! Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law just shouted "Little White!" Xiaoming thought with relief: Fortunately, Xiaobai is my scapegoat.

Then he couldn't help farting for the second time, but his mother-in-law shouted "Xiao Bai!" " "

When he farted for the third time, he saw his mother-in-law rush out and shout, "Little White! You don't want to run until you stink, do you? ! "

35: A Guang is on a business trip for a week. Before going home, he asked the apartment manager, "Has anyone come to see my wife, especially a strange man?"

Librarian: "No, only a newspaper delivery man came the day before yesterday."

A Guang was relieved: "It seems that I worry too much."

The administrator added, "but he hasn't come down yet!" " "

A-guang: "XO...XO * &；; ^…"

One morning, firecrackers sounded, and I don't know who opened a small cinema. On the first day, a movie was shown. The advertisement read "The Story of Seven Men and One Woman" with a caption: A beautiful woman fainted for no reason, and seven men were forcibly dragged into the forest; Waiting for the beauty ... everyone felt very attractive and bought tickets one by one. When the movie was shown, Snow White appeared on the big screen, and everyone left in a rage.

The next day, everyone passed by the small cinema again and saw that the advertisement had changed. The advertisement tells the story of seven men and one woman, and explains that it is like the ecstasy of a beautiful boys and seven men for several days (by no means Snow White). This time, everyone felt more attractive than last time, and it was not Snow White, so they bought tickets to enter. As a result, the words "Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea" appeared on the big screen! ! !

37: Spiders and bees get married.

The spider felt very sad and asked her mother, "Why do you want me to marry a bee?" ? 」

Mother Spider said, "The bees are a little noisy, but at least they are stewardesses. 」

The bee felt very sad, too, and asked her mother, "Why should I marry a spider?" ? 」

Mother bee said, "Spiders are ugly, but at least they are engaged in the Internet." ...

38; One morning at Xiaoming's house, Xiaoming's father was having breakfast. Xiao Ming went over and asked his father:

"Dad, the heart has feet? 」

Dad pointed to the position of the heart and said:

"How can the heart have feet? 」

Xiao Ming replied:

"oh! 」,

Then Xiao Ming went into the kitchen and asked his mother:

"Mom, does the liver have feet? 」

Mother pointed to the position of the liver and said:

"Silly child, how can the liver have feet here? 」

Xiao Ming added:

"But last night, I clearly heard ............'s sweetheart ... open your feet, .............."

39: An administrative official said indignantly after reading the newspaper: "There are so many extramarital affairs, what society!"

The official's wife replied, "Yes, everyone should be arrested and shot!" "

The official stared thoughtfully at his wife. "Tell me honestly, we have been married for so many years?"

"How can you ask such a question?" The police officer's wife asked in surprise.

"Don't run, answer my question!"

"Well," Mrs. Guan was obviously afraid, "promise me that you won't hit me first."

"I haven't hit my wife for a long time." He said with emotion.

"All right," said Mrs. Guan with a cross heart and a gnashing of teeth, "just three times."

"Three times? ! "The official is very anxious. "Which three times?"

"For the first time, do you remember your doctoral exam at the University of Chicago, and an examiner made things difficult for you in every way, just not letting you pass? If you don't get a doctorate, your family will be humiliated and our future will be ruined. Later, the difficult professor personally came to our house to congratulate you on passing, because I ... "

"No wonder you did it for me ... the second time?"

"The second time, do you remember when you were an ambassador in South America, and the king of that country threatened to break diplomatic relations with China? If you break off diplomatic relations, you will become a diplomatic ambassador and your political future will be over. Later, the king suddenly changed his mind and stopped talking about breaking diplomatic relations because I ... "

"Oh, you still did it for me ... the third time?"

"The third time, do you remember that you were nominated as the Premier, and when the Legislative Yuan voted, you were still short of 72 1 vote? ………"

40: A couple of friends meet for a drink before marriage.

A said: I asked my fiancee, and she blushed and whispered that her chest looked like an orange. I thought, oranges are oranges. We look so ordinary that one orange is enough for me to chew all my life.

B said: I also asked my daughter-in-law and didn't come in. She blushed and whispered to me that her breasts were like eggs. I thought eggs were eggs. Our family is poor, and one egg is enough for a lifetime.

They got married the same day and got together for a drink the next day.

A said: I was cheated by my wife. I never thought kumquat was also called orange.

B said: I also ate my daughter-in-law's yabakui, and poached eggs are also called eggs.

4 1: The Chinese Department of a university is teaching Shuowen Jiezi. Today, the word "male" is discussed.

Professor Huang asks you a question:

Why is Tian Zi above "people"? 」

"Because men are responsible for farming!" , hui replied.

"Very well," the professor nodded and continued, "then why is there a word" force "below? Fang, answer it. 」

A Fang thought for a moment and stammered, "Can a man be called a man without strength?" 」

42; There is a couple who are very loving and have sex for almost 30 days a month.

One day, my wife suddenly felt unwell. As a result, the doctor said after examination: You are a person who has too much sexual intercourse and causes menstrual pain. You must stop having sex for three months, or your life may be in danger.

After returning, the wife told her husband about it, so they had to put up with it for three months and sleep in separate rooms.

However, only a week later, the husband couldn't help but go to his wife's room that night and just saw her leave the room. The wife looked at him in surprise and asked, what's the matter?

The gentleman said seriously, "I'm here to kill you." What about you? "

The wife replied shyly, "I'm here to commit suicide."

43; The painter's husband and wife both have a record of marital infidelity and distrust each other. One day, when the husband went out, the wife was afraid of her husband's cheating, so she drew two little monkeys on his sex organs. Not to be outdone, the husband also drew a little guard on his wife's private parts and said, "Watch the door for me. 」

That night, when her husband came home, his wife took off his pants for inspection. She found that the two monkeys were still there, but they came to the wrong place.

The wife said, "These two monkeys are not in the right position. I didn't draw them this morning. Looks like you went behind my back again. 」

The husband argued, "It's obviously these two monkeys, and you're still bothering me. 」

The wife said, "My two monkeys are low and close to the grass. Hey! It's almost over now ... "

The husband argued, "Monkeys can climb trees. They were still in the grass in the morning, so it is not surprising to climb to the top of the tree now. 」

So, he began to examine his wife, only to find that the little doorman he drew was standing guard on the left side of the gate, but now he is on the right. He suddenly became furious and scolded, "You thief and prostitute, how dare you argue with me?" Although you draw this guard very much, you draw it in the wrong direction. It used to be on the left, but now it's on the right ... "

The wife said, "Don't the guards at the gate change their posts? He went to the right, too! 」

The husband was furious: "Nonsense. 」

The wife sneered, "As long as your monkey can climb trees, my guards are not allowed to change their posts? You have gone too far! 」

44: A farmer bought some pigs, hoping that when they were raised, they could eat the toad and bacon in the cave. A few weeks later, he found that none of the pigs were pregnant, so he called the veterinarian for help, and the veterinarian told him to adopt artificial insemination. The farmer had no idea what that meant, but he didn't want others to see his ignorance, so he just asked the vet how to judge that the pig was pregnant. The veterinarian said that as long as the pig doesn't stop rolling in the mud, it means it is pregnant. The farmer hung up the phone, thought about it, and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination is to let him fertilize these pigs. So he loaded all these pigs into the truck, pulled them into the Woods, dried them one by one, and then pulled them all back. When he woke up the next day, the farmer came to the pigsty and saw the pigs still standing there one by one. He thought it must be the first time that he didn't succeed, so he pulled the pig into the Woods with a truck again. This time, for the sake of safety, he tried to dry them twice. The next morning, he got up and went to the pigsty, and found the pig still standing there, without any movement. He thought, let's try again, so he loaded the pig into the truck and pulled it into the Woods. After working one by one all day, I got home so tired that I collapsed in bed and passed out. The next day, he could hardly get up, so he asked his wife to see if all the pigs were lying in the mud. His wife came back and told him, "No, all the pigs ran to the truck, and one of them was still honking his horn impatiently."

45. Someone confided to a friend, "I came home from work twice and saw my wife hugging a man. What do you think I should do? " "I don't know," my friend replied. "Why not try to work overtime?"