Collect jokes ~

One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house to meet her. The hostess asked Zorro, "What if my husband comes back?"

"Zorro said," it's okay. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will pick me up below. "

The hostess said that if I heard three knocks at the door, my husband would come back.

Zorro said: I see.

After a while, it rained. Suddenly there were three knocks at the door: knock, knock, knock. If it's too late, it's too soon.

Zorro flew out of bed and jumped out of the window. When the hostess saw Zorro leaving, she went to open the door.

I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her, "Tell Zorro it's raining outside and I'll wait for him in the corridor."

Where's Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

Laugh to death without paying: the best thing you do when you are absent-minded 1. After swimming yesterday, I opened the trunk directly, threw the key in, and then closed the trunk. ...

I waited in the wild for an hour and a half in a three-point suit.

2. once I cooked rice, I poured it directly into the rice cooker without an inner pot ... and then I blew it around. ....

It happened at noon. What a pity ~

At noon, I plan to ask the noodle restaurant downstairs to send a bowl of Daoxiao Noodles to eat ~

I don't know what I'm thinking ~

After the phone call, I said directly, "Hello ~ Please send a bowl of Daoxiao Noodles", and then I heard my mother's voice, "Daughter! You want to eat Daoxiao Noodles at noon! "

My mother felt a little puzzled at first, and she smiled when she came to her senses ~ ~

I was confused at that time ~ my face was red and embarrassed ~ ~

On the first day of work, someone called the manager (female) and gave the phone to the manager, mom.

Someone wants to talk to you.

5. Wash your face with glasses (with frame). Lens confusion ..................

I'm going to call my mother.

The leader suddenly came in and said to him, mom, I found the material. Here you are! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

-

-! ! ! !

7. Hold the money in your hand

Then knead it into a ball

Hold in the hand

I feel very uncomfortable

Throw it away.

8. Go to a good friend's house and chat. When her father comes back, he will open his mouth and call "Auntie". Embarrassed, her mother appeared again, and opened her mouth and called her "uncle" ... and then she doubted her IQ infinitely.

9. I have two: once a good friend got married and took a photo of me when she went to her house on the first day. I didn't look at the photos in her camera at that time, and I forgot them later. At the wedding reception the next day, she took out her camera. I said, look at what photos you have taken. Looking through the photos, I found that the person in one photo was particularly like me, and my mind didn't react. I also sent someone to see a girl who looks like me. When I reacted, I felt stupid. How can I not recognize my photo?

The second one is miserable. I rode past a van quickly, and the door just opened ~ ~ and I hit it, miserable ~

10, the most humiliating time, I didn't know what I was thinking when I washed my feet. I was going to take off my socks and almost took off my pants. .....

1 1, from the podium to the seat, a classmate's foot reached the aisle, originally wanted to say "please make way", but he blurted out "thank you"

-_-#

12, once in photoshop class, I sent a text message to my boyfriend and bravely shouted to the teacher: "Husband! My computer is not networked! "

The dissatisfied classroom immediately quieted down.

Five seconds later, everyone burst into laughter.

The teacher is a little old man in his fifties.

Push your glasses and stare at me.

This Lushan waterfall is sweating like a pig.

13, called my girlfriend's home, and her father answered and said, "Hello?"

I answered in her father's voice: "Hello, Aunt, is * * * there?"

It's a miracle that her father agreed to let us be together!

14, it's quite convenient to throw garbage in the morning and hold it. I drove all the way and drove alive for an hour. I found the garbage bag in my hand when I got off the bus. I took it halfway around the city and threw it into the dustbin in the office.

15, go home after a late-night carnival one day.

I don't know what I was thinking along the way. I waited and waited after getting into the elevator. I haven't been to my floor for a long time. I started sweating like crazy. Is there something wrong with the elevator? At this moment, no one will come, call for help and no one will dump me.

The pictures in the ghost film flashed one by one, and suddenly I felt my hair stand on end.

I was just about to call BF.

Calling him to save me, I suddenly found that I didn't press the floor elevator and the first floor didn't move. .....

16, I took my school meal card to the staff of ICBC to withdraw money. The others took one look and threw it cleanly. I stuffed it back and said loudly that I was withdrawing money. He threw it neatly and lazily, saying that the card was wrong. I took it back, took a Zhang Jianxing card from my wallet and handed it to him. ...

17, when I was very young, I had to burn coal at home, and my mother's cooking was in the kitchen. I got a shovel of coal with a small shovel, opened the lid of the rice cooker and poured it in at once. . . . #￥%……※×(

18, I had dinner with a group of friends in college, thinking about the exam in the afternoon, and I was absent-minded. After eating, I took out a tissue from my bag and wiped my mouth as usual. I was unconscious for a long time, and suddenly I found that my friends stopped talking. Look at me, I know I'm wiping my mouth with a sanitary towel! Friends are men and women! I really didn't want to live at that time! That's Hu's silk for daily use! What is incomprehensible is that I also opened the pink package outside!

19, I once had breakfast (cake and porridge) in the morning while watching the news. There happened to be an accident on our side or something. I read it carefully, so I picked up the remote control and chewed it down. I chewed for a long time, and I hardly felt depressed when I spit it out. I never understood how I bit it off =

=! !

20. Another time was when I was traveling with my girlfriend. There were many people in the scenic spot at that time. I conveniently pulled my girlfriend's hand up and said; "Wife, tighten mine." Then, I felt my girlfriend's hand loose straight down. I thought she was embarrassed and gave it a tight pull. Then she didn't leave, and I turned around. Only to find it was a man. Then a woman next to me looked at me strangely. I was so scared that I sweated, smiled a few times and ran away with a red face. I'm depressed. `````

2 1, panting after running, drinking water and ready to leave. As a result, the treadmill couldn't stop without pressing the end button, so I slipped out. The water in the cup spilled all over the floor and was regarded as a negative teaching material by the coach. Don't stop like her. What a pity @

@

22. I once entered the elevator on the third floor, and then kept pressing the 3 key, wondering why it didn't light up.

The other time was a colleague's. That day, my colleague turned on the air conditioner with the remote control and asked me to pour her a glass of water.

It made the scene I saw very strange: I saw her pressing the remote control at me and saying, please pour me a glass of water!

I swear it's not a wrong angle. The air conditioner is in the opposite direction.

23. Go shopping, try on clothes in the fitting room, take off your coat and bra as soon as you enter the door, and then get dressed. I feel very strange after wearing it. I only feel this way when I see the bra next to me ~ ~ sweat ~

24. Once I went to buy Regan noodles, a couple were buying them. The boss asked them if they wanted coriander. The man said no and the woman saidno. I was thinking, "Coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander ..."

I was lost in thought, and the boss asked me, what to eat?

I answered loudly without hesitation: "Coriander! ! ! "

The couple next to the boss looked at me doubtfully!

25. I bought a new microwave oven at home and used it to cook fish. I am very excited. 15 minutes later, I turned on the microwave oven excitedly, dizzy, nothing. The fish is still on the table. It's time. I didn't wait to turn on the microwave oven and found the fish still on the table. So I decided not to eat fish for a week.

26. Once, I went to buy a fruit knife and watched it again and again. Then I asked the knife buyer to find something for me to try. The knife was not fast, and I cut my big finger with one knife, bleeding profusely. I said "well, hurry" happily, and I was surprised that the knife buyer didn't charge money.

When I turn around, it hurts.

27. I forgot what grade I was in primary school. Once I didn't study hard, so I cut off the front end of the ballpoint pen core with scissors, blew the oil out of the pen core to play, and then blew it into my mouth.