When you sit with me

When you sit with me and listen to the cicadas chirping outside the classroom, frowning and listening to the teacher’s tireless lectures, and occasionally the chattering laughter of classmates, you put your head in deep I took a nap between my two arms, occasionally raising my head to see if the teacher was coming here, and then looking at me taking notes carefully, without taking my eyes off it.

You ask me why I have to listen so carefully and seriously to every lesson, no matter it is a dry and cold early morning or a sleepy afternoon, I smile at you, I don’t bother to explain, Even if it is explained, you may not be able to listen carefully to the end.

When I graduated from junior high school, I got into a fight with a school gangster over a woman named Ma Li. In a moment of anger and youthful impulsiveness, I pulled out the dagger in my waist and stabbed him. I couldn’t remember where I hurt him, I only knew that he was bleeding profusely. After a while, he fell unconscious in a pool of blood. I panicked. At that time, I had just graduated from junior high school and was at an age where I didn’t understand anything. I know how to save face, show off, strike lightly or not, and can say anything when I'm angry. I looked at Ma Li helplessly. Of course, I didn't expect her to do anything for me. I just didn't know what to do. , the mind is blank.

"You killed someone, you killed someone, you are a murderer!" Ma Li changed her usual gentle and virtuous attitude and pointed at me, as if I was the most evil devil in the world. Taking a step forward, Ma Li's hysterical roar made my heart tremble slightly inadvertently, and I fell into the bottomless ice cave.

"Don't come over, don't come over!" Ma Li collapsed on the ground. Is this the Ma Li I know? Is this the Ma Li who said she loved me, said she liked me, said she would marry me in the future, and would lick and eat a lollipop with me? I was disheartened, and the only thing I could think of was to run away, as far away as possible, until no one could find me in the whole world. At that time, the identity verification system had not yet been implemented for train tickets, so I returned home and took everything I could find. I rummaged through the boxes with my money and pulled them together. I bought the fastest train and got on the train. I didn’t know where this train was going or where I wanted to go. I found that there was no one between the trains. A place where I could tremble all over and cry uncontrollably. For me at that time, the future was like this train leading to nowhere. I was confused, helpless, and bitter enough to make me mad, but I couldn’t go crazy yet, that’s right. , I clearly realized that I couldn't go crazy, I had to live, out of an animal instinct.

I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this, and I don’t know how many strangers and faces passed by me. I kept covering my pockets vigilantly. Although I haven’t seen much of the world, But I also know that you can’t survive in this world without money. I was tired and hungry, but I couldn’t even bear to eat a bowl of instant noodles. I told myself that with five yuan, I can do a lot of things, and at least I can fill myself up with steamed buns for a day. With my belly full, the train slowly arrived at the terminal. I got out of the car helplessly and walked at the crowded exit of the station without holding on to my pockets. Fortunately, the security here is good. From beginning to end, nothing happened to my wallet.

The exit of the station was facing the sun, which was dazzling. I opened my teeth and clawed my eyes when I saw the words "Dalian Station" and let out a sigh of relief. This place is too far away from my hometown. It is impossible for the police to chase me here from Harbin. , I want to start my new life here. I know it is difficult, but I have killed someone and I still don’t want to die. What can I do? I saw a lot of phone booths at the street entrance. I hesitated for a moment, but I didn’t call my mother back. I was afraid that I would be exposed. I was a murderer. After my mother divorced her father, she had two more children with her stepfather. Her husband loved her very much. Youjia has a happy family life and she doesn't need a murderer son.

I walked alone in the dark streets. I didn’t know where I could go. I walked through the streets and occasionally picked up a few discarded plastic bottles. I bought a bottle of mineral water and three Big white-faced steamed buns, I felt like they were looking at me like they were looking at a beggar. In anger, I threw away the weird discards I picked up. I didn’t know where I could go. After walking around for a long time, I came back. In the waiting room of the train station, I lay on the cold marble floor and slept until dawn.

I told myself solemnly: "As long as you are alive, no matter what, live first." I looked for the address of the small advertisement posted on the roadside for applying for fake certificates, and bought it at a low price. I bought a very realistic ID card. I need an ID card to stay in a hotel, I need an ID card to sleep all night in an Internet cafe, and I need an ID card to work. Without this little card, I can't get around in this big city. I came to a construction site I helped load and unload big bags. The boss saw my ID card and didn’t have any suspicion at all. I started to work as a coolie. Although I was not strong enough, I was diligent and did all the chores. I was in charge of the food at the construction site. I feel that I have found a supporter and the courage to live on, but occasionally when I see their daily wages, I feel a little confused. Why are others paid on a daily basis, but I am paid on a monthly basis?

I couldn’t find my boss. I only found the person in charge of our place. He asked me to do what I was doing. I was used to it. He couldn’t listen to me saying anything other than working. I kept my mind to work. It wasn't until dinner in the evening that I finally explained my doubts to the manager. The manager looked disdainful and dropped the white steamed bun on my heart.

"Don't you know the fake ID you are using? Our boss feels sorry for you, so he lets you work here and gives you a living. You still want wages?" I suddenly became angry. I killed someone and ran away. Why am I still afraid of your threat? I picked up the bricks and pointed them at the manager angrily. After hearing the news, the workers rushed over, holding the bricks in their hands, full of murderous intent.

"Today, either you give me my salary, or one of us will die here." I started messing around again, and I took up the courage I had when fighting and started to show off. I killed everyone. , what kind of threats, what kind of intimidation, it seems to me now as ridiculous as a child playing house, the person in charge still has a look of disdain on his face, as if what I am doing now seems like a child to him Playing childishly, several tough men rushed up to me. Before I could risk my life, they pinned me down and kicked me wildly. I didn’t even have the strength to stand up, let alone fight hard. After a few minutes, I I was thrown into an abandoned warehouse. The door was wide open. The sun shone on my wound and it hurt, but I couldn't move at all. My head was so dizzy that I fell unconscious. The workers started drinking, celebrating, and even started Singing, no one noticed me anymore, and no one looked at me. Cold-blooded workers would not care about my life or death, while kind-hearted workers would take care of themselves in their hearts: he must have left on his own after he regained consciousness, and then I continued to drink and celebrate. I spent a night in such celebration that the pain was almost unbearable. When I woke up at noon the next day, my head was still in severe pain. I knew that asking for wages from them would be tantamount to seeking death. , I limped away, like a sick wolf far away from the group.

I had just walked a few steps when I saw a tall, thick-set man head-on. His dress didn’t look like someone from a construction site. He curiously asked me about my bruise and swollen face. I finally couldn’t hold it in any longer. I stopped, tears welling up like spring water. I told him what happened to me. Of course, I didn’t tell him about the murder. The man’s face was full of sympathy. He asked me to go with him and go to work. I quietly I asked him politely: "Are you getting paid?"

"Of course." The man smiled. In fact, I didn't believe he was a good person at all. I have never met a truly good person in this city. A good man, he must be lying to me, dragging me out of one fire pit and pushing me into another fire pit, but what can I do, I can always find a place to solve the problem of eating first. Besides, now I, What's there to lie to? I've even killed people, and I don't care about anything anymore.

The man’s surname is Liu. He is smart, capable and serious. He and his wife run a food stall on a barbecue street by the sea all year round. Their beef and mutton are bought from unknown vendors, but the business remains the same every night. Business is booming and business is booming. My job is to be a waiter here. It will be very busy during busy times, but the boss is nice and really pays me wages. I have never done this kind of work. The first time I started working, I put the food on the wrong table and broke several sets of cutlery. Boss Liu didn’t say anything, but his serious face clearly let me know that I couldn’t do anything again. mistake.

Barbecue stalls usually open at four or five o'clock in the evening, and business starts to get hot as soon as eight o'clock. It is often full of customers around eleven o'clock, and more than a dozen big men with big bellies share the table to drink. , several barrels of draft beer were put on the table. It was the busiest time after early morning. They talked nonsense and boasted. Occasionally, they would stand up and make impassioned remarks, pointing out the country, and slamming the cups on the ground. Sometimes they would drag me over and force me to have a drink. When I saw the boss nodding, I frowned and swallowed it. The whole table burst into warm applause, as if I had done something great and was being lifted up by everyone. I am regarded as a hero in the middle. After leaving a table, I will take their uneaten skewers to the kitchen. When someone orders again, I will heat them up and serve them. It is the boss's idea. A larger potato is pierced into The string can be sold for up to fifty, what a hugely profitable industry!

Work really ends at three o'clock in the morning. The boss drinks all day and night, drinking with friends and guests. After drinking, he even looks into the eyes of strangers affectionately. I wanted to have a drink, so I was so sleepy that I yawned again and again. When I put down what I was doing and was called to the boss for a drink, I felt extremely depressed, but I wouldn't show it. Boss Liu was kind to me, and I couldn't displease him. After a few glasses of beer, I suddenly felt extremely happy, my whole body was light, and my mind was filled with no worries and no depression. I looked at the peaceful scenery on the seaside in a daze, and suddenly I thought of Ma Li, the woman I once deeply loved, and also made me feel so happy. My heart completely fell to the bottom of despair. I chatted with the boss about women, and I was surprised to learn that the boss bought the wife from the countryside for 200,000 yuan to be his wife. I was shocked. I was so drunk that I dropped the cup on the The people on the ground pointed at the boss's head and yelled: "Is this love? You are buying and selling, doing whatever it takes for your own selfish desires. You will do anything to make money. Don't think I don't know. You Meat for sale..." The boss slapped the case and covered my mouth that was spewing randomly. I was half awake and stared at the boss with my eyes wide open, like a child who had made a mistake.

"It's good meat." I muttered in a low voice, which meant that the boss had drunk too much. Normally, he would have fired me long ago and now I am living on the street. The wife of the boss poked her head out and asked the boss what happened. What happened? The boss waved his hand gently, indicating that nothing happened to the lady boss. Then he turned to me and said fiercely: "Listen, kid, the most important thing in this world is money. With money, you can buy one." The woman who loves you, if you have money, you can open a shop that can support yourself. If you have money, you can go back and honor your parents. With money, no one will dare to hit you. As long as you have money, you don’t have to kill anyone. I have to pay for my life, but if I don’t have money, I can only accept charity from others like you, wagging my tail like a dog.”

I feel that my three views are ruined. I am here. The only good person I've ever met in the city said this to me. I looked at the endless sea and laughed unknowingly. I don't know whether it was what Boss Liu said that was funny or the education and experience I received in school. The thought was funny, the landlady and the boss were very affectionate, and the guests would occasionally talk to Boss Liu like old friends they hadn’t seen for many years. There was no trace of guilt or uneasiness on the boss’s face, and everything on his face was taken for granted. I began to see the imperfections of this world. Pure, I began to know that this world is either light or dark, and struggle means degradation. No matter how beautiful the light is, there will be a dark side that cannot be illuminated.

Can you go home if you have money? Can you write off the mistakes you have made if you have money? After working at Boss Liu’s house for several years, I chose to buy the earliest train ticket to go home. I didn’t want to be a dog here again, even though they had given me the most delicious bones since I came to this city. Before I left, I I kowtowed to Boss Liu three times to express my gratitude to him. You see, I have also learned to accept this impurity and no longer stubbornly divide people into two extremes: good and bad. Boss Liu treats me as a dog, but He fed me and took me in. He sold dead pigs, diseased mutton, and harmed many people, but he was my benefactor.

I got on the train to and from Heilongjiang. I didn’t want to escape anymore. Since I accepted the impurity of this world, why couldn’t the world accept my mistakes? It’s true that I am a murderer, but I am not yet a minor. Even if I die, at least I can see my mother again. I don’t know why I am no longer as afraid of death as when I first came here. Anyway, the thought of Mother, I am not afraid anymore. After experiencing so much life on the run, I discovered that it is happier to live an upright life for one day than to live in secret for a lifetime!

A miracle happened unknowingly. The gangster who was stabbed by me did not die. My family paid some money and went there without even going to the police station. My escape became That joke made me never dream that I would be sitting in the school class again. After graduating from junior high school, I never picked up a pen again, and now I am less than half a year away from the college entrance examination. The school did not allow me to start over from the first year of high school. After all, I was too old. I told my mother that I had to go to college. I started studying like crazy. The tables and chairs in the room were all filled with formulas and ancient Chinese prose that I had posted. , I only slept four hours a day, saving all my time to figure out the test questions. Sometimes I didn’t even have time to eat a bite of food a day. A few months later, I got my wish and was admitted to a good junior college. After entering college, I I started to build good relationships with various teachers, participated in various activities organized by the school, and completed all the tasks of professional courses without any conditions and regardless of the cost. My roommate once said that I was a madman. I nodded lightly and said: "If you have ever encountered something like me, I may be a lunatic living on the street now, but unfortunately I don't have it. I have accepted the impurity of this world. The same world tells me that as long as you strive for it, anything can happen.

So I did. I went all the way from junior college to bachelor's degree, took the postgraduate entrance examination, and became a graduate student in this university. I sit here and listen to the class with you. You lie on the table in boredom and ask me why I study so seriously. I tell you so much nonsense and look at you. I was in a daze, and you asked me if the purpose of studying hard is to make money? I nodded slightly, and then shook my head. Maybe my original idea was that knowledge changes destiny. There is a golden house in the book, but along the way Now, I have seen more scenery, I have begun to know my value, I have begun to understand myself more thoroughly, and I have begun to have my own mature values ????and outlook on life. These are the results of my hard work.

You asked if you could write what I said into a story. I readily agreed, but I emphasized that what I wanted to express was not how important money is, nor how legendary and awesome I am. Showing off here, I just want to express that we should not think about how bad or how good the things we encounter in life are. Life itself is not that pure. We must learn to accept, learn to be tolerant, and learn to tell ourselves that as long as Try to work hard to save and change, even if the sky falls, it will still be too late.

You don’t know what kind of hardships and twists and turns I have gone through to sit with you and listen to such a boring lecture.