Who can help me find short articles about humorous stories, ancient and modern jokes...,,,, urgent! ! ! !

A collection of Lincoln's humorous stories

◎ One day, someone told Lincoln that a tax collector had just died and asked if he could take his place. Lincoln replied: "If the funeral home has no objection, I certainly will not object."

◎ Lincoln was born in a pioneer family. During the election campaign, he did not have a special car. At each stop, his friends prepared a plowing carriage for him, and he stood on the carriage and gave a campaign speech: "Someone wrote and asked me how much property I have. I have a wife. and a son, both are priceless treasures. In addition, I also rent an office with a table, three chairs, and a large bookcase in the corner. The books on the shelf are worth reading. I am both poor and thin. I have a long face and won’t gain weight. I really have nothing to rely on but you." ◎ Once, Lincoln was polishing his shoes when a foreign diplomat came up to him and said, "President. "Sir, do you polish your own shoes?" "Yes," Lincoln asked, pretending to be surprised, "do you polish other people's shoes?"

◎ Once Lincoln was giving a speech, and suddenly , his assistant handed him a piece of paper with only two words "fool" on it. Lincoln glanced at it and knew that someone was causing trouble. He was not angry, but smiled and said to the audience: "Gentlemen and ladies, I used to receive many notes that I forgot to sign. But this time I received a note that only had a 'signature' and There is no other note on the paper. "No one is writing ink

A son from a wealthy family went to take an exam. His father took the exam beforehand and his score was very good. He thought he would be admitted. Unexpectedly, he was admitted.

< There is no son's name on p>. My father rushed to the county magistrate for comment. The county magistrate brought the roll to check, and saw a faint layer of gray fog on it, but no words could be seen.

As soon as his father came home, he scolded him: "How come your exam paper is written in such a way that no one can read it clearly?"

The son cried: "No one in the exam room will polish it for me." I have to write with a pen dipped in water on an inkstone."

Old lady chanting Buddha's name

There was an old lady holding a few beads in her hand while chanting Amitabha, Amitabha. , while shouting: "Er Han, Er Han,

There are too many ants on the pot. I hate them to death. Get a fire and burn them to death for me." Then he read: "Amitabha, Amitabha

Buddha." Then he shouted: "Er Han, Er Han, help me remove the ashes from the bottom of the pot. Don't use your own dustpan, because If you want to burn it, just ask your neighbor for a dustpan. Remember, remember, Amitabha, Amitabha"

A monk is never a vegetarian.

When the master saw that he was a monk, he asked: "Master, do you drink?"

The monk smiled and said: "Drink a little wine, but I never eat vegetarian food."

Except Idiot

A man complained to the county government: "I will lose my hoe tomorrow. Please investigate."

The county official asked: "You slave! I will lose my hoe tomorrow." , why didn’t you come to report the crime yesterday?”

After hearing this, the clerk next to him couldn’t help but laugh. The county magistrate immediately concluded the case and said: "You must be the one who stole the hoe! What did you steal it for?"

The clerk replied: "I want to get rid of that fool."

The old man is sad

There was an old man who was rich and wealthy, with a family full of descendants. On his 100th birthday, the house was crowded with birthday guests, but the old man was very unhappy.

Everyone asked him: "You are so lucky, why are you worried?"

The old man replied: "I am not worried about anything, I am just worried about my 200th birthday. The number of people coming to congratulate has increased by hundreds and thousands.

How can I remember them all?"

Arguing for advantages

One person holds his son in his arms. While playing outside, a neighbor jokingly said: "Father and son are of the same blood. Just look at your son and you will know that his face is exactly the same as mine."

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The person holding the child said: "Yes, you and this child were born from the same woman. How can your faces be different?"

Heart-broken

Two villains had malignant sores on their backs and asked a doctor to treat them. The doctor looked at one, then the second, and pretended to be horrified and said: "His heart is worse and can be cured, but your heart is so bad that it has become rotten. Call me How to cure well?"

Sparrow Treats

One day, the sparrow treated the birds to wine. It said to the kingfisher: "You are wearing such bright and bright clothes, so naturally please sit at the table."

Then it said to the eagle: "Although you are bigger, you are wearing You are wearing dark and ugly clothes, so I have to sit down at the bottom of the table."

The Eagle replied: "Why are you such a snobbish slave?"

Sparrow! He replied: "Who in the world doesn't know that I, the sparrow, have a small heart and shallow eye sockets."

Animals bully the poor

A man asked a beggar: "Dogs?" Why do they bite you when they see you?"

The beggar replied: "If I have good clothes and hats, the beasts will respect me."

The emperor. Clothes

A beggar came back from the capital and boasted that he had seen the emperor. Others asked him: "What does the emperor wear?"

Answer: "Wearing a hat carved from white jade and a robe made of gold."

Question: "Yes. How can I bow to someone wearing a gold robe?"

The beggar spat at him and said, "Haha, you really don't understand the world! Who do you bow to since you are the emperor?"

Afraid of drowning in wine

When a customer comes into the store to buy wine, he will say the word "dun" after drinking a glass of wine, and he won't stop talking. Someone else asked, "I think you drank too much. Are you afraid of having diarrhea, so you go squat in a hair pit to get out of bed?" The man pointed at the wine glass and said, "No, I just want to have a pier so that I can climb up and not drown in this thin water."

Signature Painting Knife

The hotel owner hired someone to write the store's sign. After the person finished writing, he drew a knife on it.

The boss asked in surprise: "What does drawing a knife mean?"

He replied: "I want to use this knife to kill the moisture in the wine!"

Treading on a flat gourd

There is a hotel that has a rule: any guest who comes to buy and drink wine and says the wine is sour will be punished by being tied to a wooden post.

One day, a Taoist priest came into the shop carrying a big gourd. When he saw the man tied to the wooden pillar, he asked what the reason was. The boss replied:

"He lied about my wine being sour, so I punished him."

The Taoist priest said: "Please give me a glass and let me have a taste." The shopkeeper served the wine, and the Taoist priest just said After taking a bite, he ran away in a hurry.

The boss was very happy because he did not say the wine was sour, and hurriedly greeted him: "You forgot the gourd."

The Taoist priest said as he ran away: "I don't want it, I don't want it, you Keep it and flatten it as a sign of jealousy."

A banner

There is a family in Huizhou who has been fighting with others for years, and they are full of resentment and boredom.

On New Year's Eve, the father and son discussed

"We must say some auspicious words during the New Year next year, so as to bring good luck in the coming year and avoid lawsuits."

The sons said : "Dad, tell me first."

The father said: "This year is a good year."

The eldest son then said: "There is little bad luck."

The younger son They also said: "No lawsuits."

They asked someone to write a banner with three sentences and 11 words, posted it in the nave, and asked family members to recite it loudly at all times, so as to make people more comfortable.

Auspicious.

Early in the morning on the first day of the new year, my son-in-law came to pay New Year greetings. He walked to the hall, looked up and saw a banner, and read aloud: "This year is very unlucky, and I will not be allowed to file a lawsuit."

The three father and son stamped their feet anxiously and said repeatedly: "Unlucky, unlucky!"

Scolding those who fart

A group of friends were sitting together, and suddenly someone farted. I don't know who it was. Who, everyone doubted someone and gathered to blame him. In fact, the man didn't fart, he didn't argue, he just laughed.

Everyone asked: "What's so funny?"

He replied: "The one who laughed at the fart also followed everyone and scolded me."

"Pay it off every year." ”

A man borrowed 6 taels of silver from someone and agreed that the interest would be 5 cents for one or two months. At the end of the year, the interest would be 3 taels and 6 cents. One year has passed, and the borrower asked the creditor to pay back 4 yuan in exchange for an IOU of 10 taels, and the creditor agreed.

At the end of the second year, based on the calculation of 10 taels, the interest should be 6 taels. Since the person could not pay back, he asked for another 4 taels in exchange for an IOU of 20 taels

, the creditor agreed again.

At the end of the third year, the sum calculated as 20 taels with interest and principal and interest was 32 taels. He could not pay it back, so he asked for 8 taels in exchange for another one

An IOU of 40 taels. The creditor hesitated, and the borrower said angrily: "You are so heartless! The principal and interest I borrowed from you are not clearly counted in any year. I have already found all the change. How can you pay back the principal and interest?" Aren't you happy?"

Yellow croaker is afraid of the smell

There is a fishmonger who picks out yellow croaker with a vigorous pace. A rich man liked his strong feet and hired him to lift them. Unexpectedly, he was carrying the sedan chair very slowly. The rich man asked him strangely why. The bearer replied: "Yellow croaker is afraid of the smell, so he has to go fast. What are you afraid of?" >What?”

Special instructions before execution

A prisoner will be executed according to law. When the guards tied him up, he unbuttoned his shirt, slapped his chest with his hands, and asked him what he meant.

He said, "I'm afraid I caught a cold. This is not for fun."

The officer escorted him halfway and suddenly heard the crow of a crow. He knocked his teeth three times and chanted the sutra seven times. When asked what he meant, he said: "The crow crows, which means there will be a quarrel. Knocking his teeth and chanting sutras was to avoid fighting with others."

Finally, when it was time to cut him, he begged the executioner: "Please wipe the knife edge clean with a piece of rough paper. ,

If the razor is not clean, I will get sores when I shave my head; if the beheading knife is not clean, when will I get better from sores? ”

One? Drunken Monkey

Someone bought a monkey, dressed it in clothes and hats, and taught it the etiquette of kneeling and worshiping, which was very decent. One day, the host hosted a banquet for guests and asked the monkey to perform a bow and salute. Everyone thought it was very cute. A guest gave it some wine, and it got so drunk that it took off its clothes and hat and rolled all over the floor. Everyone laughed and said: "This monkey looks like a human being when he doesn't drink wine, but when he drinks wine, he doesn't look like a human being anymore."

Learn to be good before death

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A criminal who was about to be punished heard that there was a fool somewhere, so he invited him to take out 100 taels of silver and said: "I will give you all this money to buy good clothes." If you buy good food and eat it, your wife and family will benefit a lot.

After a while, the government will send officers to check on you. I would like to ask them to tie you up in my place. After a few days, they will let you go home. "

The fool saw the table full of lights and quickly agreed to take the silver back. An elder in the neighborhood knew about it and hurriedly came to persuade him: "Return the silver to him quickly

. If your life is lost, what's the use of ten thousand gold? "

The fool said: "With the money returned, it would be foolish for me to continue living those difficult days. "The old man sighed and left. The fool spent his money, and the whole family was very happy.

Not long after, the official document arrived, calling the fool by name. The officer tied him up and took him to the execution ground. Beheaded. The fool then cried: "I regret that I listened to others' advice and ended up today!" But I learned well today. This is the only time you will suffer! ”

Black Teeth and White Teeth

There were two prostitutes. One had black teeth, and the other had white teeth; one tried every means to hide her black teeth, and the other tried to

Trying to show off her white teeth.

Someone asked the prostitute with black teeth what her last name was. The prostitute pursed her lips tightly, puffed up her cheeks, and whispered in her throat: "Gu. "Asked again.

As a teenager, she puffed up her cheeks and answered: "15." ”

Finally, I asked her what her skills were, and she replied in her throat: “I know how to play the drums.” "

Others asked White Teeth what the prostitute's name was. The prostitute opened her mouth and replied: "Qin. "

When asked how old she was, she opened her mouth again and replied: "17. "Asked what she could do, she opened her mouth wide, exposing her white teeth, and said, "I can play the piano." "

Boasting about his son

The father and his son were walking together. An acquaintance of the father met him and did not recognize his son, so he asked, "Who is this?" "

The father replied: "Although this man is the ninth-generation direct son-in-law of the real grandson of the official minister who is extremely favored by the imperial court, he is still

my son. ”

Give me back my red face

Before going to a friend’s house for a banquet alone, I was half drunk and my face was red. When I went to the friend’s house for a banquet, I felt drunk

The taste is very weak, and the more I drink, the more tasteless it becomes. Even the wine I drank has made me sober, and my face has turned red. After the banquet, I said to the host: "Your wine is very good.

, I just beg you to return my red face! "

Want to be a son

An old man is described as haggard and weak, but as long as he is said to be old, he will be annoyed. If he is praised for being young, he will be irritated

I liked him endlessly.

After one person knew it, he deliberately took advantage of him and said, "Although your beard and hair are white, your face is delicate and beautiful. You are not only comparable to a child, but also more like a child." My newborn baby's skin is as fresh and tender as ever.

The old man said happily: "If my face can be so fresh and tender, I would like to be your son." "

From fast to slow

The teacher was very angry that the master did not invite him to drink. When the students came to the school to study, he taught poetry quickly and angrily: "Spring Outing

Fangcaodi. ”

The student reluctantly followed with tears in his eyes. However, he understood the teacher’s intention and said:

“Father”

The teacher asked: “What does father do?” ? ”

The student answered: “Buy meat.” ”

The teacher slowed down the teaching speed slightly: “Appreciate the green lotus pond in summer. The student still couldn't follow, and the teacher asked again: "What does your father buy meat for?" ”

Answer: “Please sir. "

The teacher's anger gradually subsided, and he slowly taught the third sentence: "Drink yellow flower wine in autumn. ”

He asked again: “When will you invite me?” ”

Answer: “Today. "

The teacher was overjoyed and slowly and clearly taught the fourth sentence: "Winter chanting poems about white snow.

”

Open a skylight

There is a man who likes to take advantage of relatives and friends to do errands. He often takes the lead in asking everyone to pool money to host a banquet, but he should pay a share

He often kept it secret and used the extra wine money to enrich himself. The king of hell hated him for having such a bad conscience, so he was taken to the underworld and thrown into a dark prison to suffer.

But as soon as the man entered the cell door, he shouted: "This room is so dark. There are several people here now. Please collect money to open a skylight."

It’s so bright and bright. ” (The proverb is “opening the skylight” for those who advocate embezzlement and corruption by collecting everyone’s money.)

At the wedding banquet

There was a crazy son who often liked to say depressing words.

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One day, his brother-in-law’s family was getting married, and his father took him to a banquet. As soon as his son was about to speak, his father said: “Marriage in his family is a happy event, so don’t say depressing words. "

The son said: "I don't need to ask you to tell me, I understand: 'Marriage is not a funeral. '"

Asking for a pig-head debt

A man went out for the New Year and encountered a bird dropping feces on his hat. He thought it was unlucky and wanted to offer sacrifices to the Bodhisattva to eliminate the disaster, so he went to the Bodhisattva

The butcher owed him a pig's head on credit as a sacrifice.

Not long after, the butcher saw him and said, "I have owed money for the pig's head for many days, so I should pay it." ”

The man replied: “I owe you for many days, but I have an analogy: If this pig doesn’t give birth to a head, will you come to me to ask for the pig’s head money?

?

The butcher said: "How can there be a pig without a head?" ”

The man said: “Since this doesn’t make sense, I have another point to say: If I paid back the money last year and you ran out of it, wouldn’t you have no pig money

? "

The butcher said: "You are even more ridiculous. If you had paid me back last year and used it, you would have saved me other money." "

The debtor lowered his head and thought for a while and said: "This doesn't make sense. I'll just make it clear to you. For example, if this bird droppings were sprinkled on your head, you

yourself A pig's head must be used as a sacrifice to gods to ward off disasters, so where is the money for a pig's head? "

The pairing of wind and rain

A teacher liked to drink, and he often drank like crazy. Once, he occasionally used a word pair - "rain" to ask students

Yes, the student said "wind"

He added three words: "It makes the flowers rain." ”

The student said to him: “You are drunk and crazy.” "

Five more words were added: "It rains in the garden. ”

The student said to him, “I often drink alcohol and go crazy at the banquet.”

The teacher said, “That’s right, but you shouldn’t talk about my husband’s shortcomings.” . ”

The student said: “If I don’t change my ways, I will be my teacher’s teacher.” "

Fart article

A scholar is very good at talking and is used to helping people with lawsuits. The county magistrate hates him and said: "Scholars should read with peace of mind behind closed doors

Shu, why do you need to go to the Yamen to enter and exit? I think the article you wrote must be ridiculous, I will give you a test when I come up with a question. "While he was talking, he was thinking about a topic, and suddenly he farted, so he asked him to write an essay on the fart.

The scholar immediately respectfully presented the words: "Teacher, hold your golden butt high. , fart loudly, as sweet as the sound of silk and bamboo, and as fragrant as the smell of musk orchid. It is a great honor for Xiaosheng to stand in the limelight.

The county magistrate laughed and said: "This scholar can't write serious articles, but he can do a great job in fart articles." There is a mass excrement pit on the east street of this county. He was made to stand by the cesspit and smell the scent of musk orchids every day, so that he would not disturb others when he had nothing to do. "

Inexhaustible

A man borrowed something from the temple at night and said, "I have things that will never be used by generations to give to your temple. "The monk happily allowed him to stay and was very polite to him.

The next morning, the monk asked what it was. The man pointed to a tattered curtain in front of the Bodhisattva and said, "Hey, take this thing apart and make a small lamp. Bangbang, how can we use it up for generations?"

The mother of salted eggs

Two people, A and B, ate salted duck eggs for the first time.

Person A said in surprise: "The eggs I used to eat were very bland. Why are these eggs so salty?"

Person B said: "Fortunately you asked me about this. Tell me You know, this egg was born from a salted duck."

Wooden wedges stop hunger

A certain rich man was stingy and always gave his servants half a full meal. One day when he was about to go on a long journey, his servant asked, "What should I do if I get hungry on the way?"

The rich man found a rope and a wooden wedge and said, "Don't say you are hungry on the way, otherwise you will be laughed at." If you are hungry, I

have my own way. Just say: "I'm hungry," and I will make you feel less hungry."

After walking for a long time, the servant was hungry. If it didn't work, he hurriedly followed the rich man's instructions. The rich man quickly took out the rope and tightened the servant's belly.

Not far away, the servant shouted again. The rich man took out a wooden wedge and stuffed it into the rope. He found a brick and knocked hard on the wedge. He said, "It's so tight, so I won't be hungry anymore!" "

After not being able to walk a few steps, the servant shouted more urgently. The rich man became furious, untied the rope, and the wooden wedge fell to the ground.

Said: "You Hungry slave, go and find someone else, I have such a good guy, I don’t have to worry about no one using it.”

My rough moon

Someone often speaks in a rough way. Modesty.

One day, he entertained guests and while he was drinking, the moon rose. The guest said happily: "The moon is so beautiful tonight!"

The man quickly raised his hand and said: "Don't dare! Don't dare! This is just a rough moon in my house."

Being an official and a robber

A few people were drinking and writing poems. Each person had to use a poem to describe a person with the same nature as a robber. One said: "The person who takes the lead in collecting money (the person who takes the lead in collecting money)".

One person said: "You deceive people and harm others, and you are a bad scholar."

Another person said: "Four sedan chairs are coming and shouting."

Everyone started making noises. : "This is an official from the Yamen, how can he look like a robber?"

The man replied: "Look at the people sitting in the sedan chair carried by 4 people now, 9 out of 10 of them are better than robbers." It's amazing!"

Xiucai Trial

A fool said: "I wish I had 100 acres of land."

The neighbor said: "You. If you have 100 acres of land, I will raise 10,000 ducks and eat up all the rice in your field." The two quarreled and went to the government for comment. When passing by the academy, I saw the high red wall and the gate tower. I thought it was a government office, so I pulled him in.

A scholar came out. They thought he was an official, so they rushed to talk about their own reasons. The scholar smiled and said: "One of you goes to buy the land first

The other goes first. Raise ducks, wait until I become an official, and then I will try this case!"

Forgot about the Dragon Boat Festival

During the Dragon Boat Festival, the teacher did not receive the gift and asked the student why. The student asked his father and came back and said, "My father forgot." There are three heroes: Zhang Liang and Han Xinwei

Chi Gong "

The student could not write the second couplet and was afraid of being beaten, so he cried to his father. The father said: "There is a mistake in the pairing. Duke Yuchi is from the Tang Dynasty, not the Han Dynasty."

The student reported to the teacher.

The gentleman smiled and said: "Your father remembers things thousands of years ago very clearly. Why did he forget yesterday during the Dragon Boat Festival?"

Confused interpretation

During the Southern Song Dynasty, there was a monk in Suzhou who was drinking and causing chaos. The state official ordered him to be arrested and sent a police officer to escort him to a remote place

where he could be punished. The transportation was inconvenient and the dissatisfaction was resented. Therefore, the sticks were constantly used and the monks complained endlessly.

A few days later, while staying at an inn, the monk wanted to run away, so he said some kind words to Jie Chai and then took out some broken silver

to invite him to drink. Jie Chai, who was greedy for drinking, immediately took off the monk's shackles and drank to his heart's content. After a while, he was drunk and turned into a pile of mud. At this time, the monk found a razor, shaved Jie Chai's head, put sin clothes on Jie Chai, put shackles on him, and then escaped through the window.

The next day, when I woke up after a night of drinking, I didn’t see the monk, so I was anxious. But when I looked at the prison clothes on my body and the shackles on my collar, I looked at my head in the mirror and saw it was bare, and my worries turned into joy. He said to himself: "Haha, I don't dare to run away even if I think of you!" But

after thinking for a while, he was stunned again: "Hey! The monk is here, where did I go!"

Surgery is over

Reference materials: Baidu’s summary of some places, because humor is also a way of language