Joke daquan performance

1, high school, a math exam, everyone was immersed in writing, and I suddenly wanted to fart, but because it was too quiet around, I wanted to cover my fart safely with a cough. Unexpectedly, after coughing, a fart came late and the whole class burst into laughter. The math teacher smiled and raised his glasses and said two words, time difference.

2. A male college student lives outside with his girlfriend. Soon, his girlfriend became pregnant. The male classmate panicked and asked for help at home. The family is so popular that we simply ignore him. On Father's Day, the male classmate thought it was a good opportunity, so he immediately wrote a short message to his father: "Happy Father's Day". In less than five minutes, his father replied with two words: "Le Tong."

Once, I was sitting in my sister's car, and my little nephew was sitting next to me. I saw him biting his finger, so I patted his little hand as a warning. A few days later, I took my sister's car again and found that my little nephew was going to bite his finger again. He saw me aiming at him, hesitated for a moment, then stretched out his finger and said to me with a flattering face: Uncle, do you want to eat?

4. An elephant asked the camel, "Why do your breasts grow on your back?" The camel said, "stay away, I don't talk to things with dicks on my face!" " "The snake laughed wildly after listening to the conversation between the elephant and the camel. The elephant turned to the snake and said, "Laugh! You have a face on your penis, you are not qualified! "

A tiger caught a cold and wanted to eat a panda. The panda cried and said, "You have a cold. Why did you eat me?" The tiger said: "the advertisement says that you should eat white and black when you have a cold!" " "

6. A man said to anonymous: I fell in love with you at first sight and at second sight, and I can't forget it for a long time. Man: I'm sorry, I don't like frivolous people like you …

7. During the husband's overseas business trip, his wife and four-year-old daughter were at home. One day, the little daughter said to her wife, "I want a younger brother." "That's a good idea." The wife answered with a smile. "But don't you think you should wait for your father to come back?" The younger daughter's idea is even cooler. "Why can't we give him a surprise ..."

8. On the eve of Xiaoming's final exam. In the evening, Xiao Ming heard his parents discussing what breakfast to make for him tomorrow morning. Mom said: Do you want to make fried dough sticks and eggs? One fried dough stick and two eggs are a hundred points. My father was silent for a while and said, 100 is not enough. Why don't you make him instant noodles and eat that "unification100" ~

9. Teacher: "Please imagine, if you are in a world afraid of dragons, what should you do if one is about to eat you?" Xiao Ming: "This is not simple! Stop imagining immediately. " Teacher: "You go out!"

10, once I went to make up the exam, I met a classmate halfway and he asked, "How many subjects did I fail?" I said, "Two subjects, and you?" He said, "I didn't fail any subjects." I said, "Awesome!" Later, I went to make up the second subject and found him coming out of the examination room. I asked, "Didn't you say that you didn't fail a subject?" He said, "Yes, I failed in one subject and everything else ..."

1 1, Ren Lei store name 1. Barber shop: People's Development Research Institute, Feifa, Development and Reform Commission. 2. Hotel: A restaurant, not hungry, not sitting, a bunch of drunks. 3. Clothing store: keep mistresses, sell clothes diligently and attract customers. 4. Teahouse: pure heart for tea, well tea bureau. 5. Beauty shop: Please don't get pimples, and get rid of spots. 6. Shoe store: Keep your shoes in mind and live with them. 7. Barbecue: high roast, thinking roast. 6. Best hotel name: Wen+Quan.

12, I met a friend when I was shopping that day. I greeted him: "Long time no see, are you busy recently?" "Busy! Busy ass smoking! " As he spoke, he vomited a long smoke turn.

13. On the subway, a deaf-mute girl sold me her key pendant, and each one was 10 yuan. Look at her. She's pathetic. I bought one, gave her 20 and told her to keep the change. The little girl was surprised, smiled, then said thank you and sold it to others. ...

14, two thieves came out of the pub. One asked, "Have you seen the boss's lovely clock?" The other said, "No, take it out quickly!" "

15. How can I have a happy week? Here is a set of practical methods, let's take a look: steaming fish pieces on Monday. Tuesday's braised fish pieces. Fried fish pieces on Wednesday. Fish pieces in vinegar on Thursday. Boiled fish pieces on Friday. Fish with Chinese sauerkraut on Saturday. Sunday mustard fish. Have a nice week!

16, when I first entered school, the whole class introduced themselves. A male student stepped onto the platform: "My name is You Yongzhi, and I'm from Beijing. I love playing chess! " Then I went down. The next one is a girl. Shyly, she stepped onto the platform and introduced herself with trepidation: "… My name is Shakuyaku … I like swimming …"—

17, a young man sat at the door of the bird's nest with a depressed face. The policeman came over and asked, "Didn't you get the ticket for Rolling Stone for 30 years today?" The young man took out two tickets. The policeman was surprised and asked him why he didn't go in. The young man said, "I want to call the girl I secretly love." The girl asked what concert it was, and as soon as I said' get out', my mobile phone died.

18, once a customer came to our place to deposit money. He said, miss, I'm dying! I asked casually, oh, how many years have you been dead? He: short death, three years! ... people in other windows ... are laughing crazy.

19. A couple of doctoral students from a medical university are getting married. The boy's surname is Long and the girl's surname is Chen. The two newcomers asked their tutor to write couplets for them, but the tutor didn't shirk. Combined with their major, the tutor wrote a couplet: a keel to clear away heat and relieve itching, to promote fluid production and quench thirst; The second part: two pieces of dried tangerine peel, reducing swelling, resolving phlegm and quenching thirst. Horizontal batch: valid for one day.

2 1, the university chased a girl and confessed several times, but there was no result. Later, the girl texted me to go to the park on weekends, and I was so excited that I couldn't sleep well at night. Invited to the Yellow River Park on weekends. After walking for a while, the girl said, "I've always wanted to say something to you ..." I was so excited that I said, "Go ahead, I'm listening." Then she told me, "I have seen the Yellow River, too. Give up this time. "

22. When a luxury car was walking in the street, it accidentally hung down a chair beside a booth, which caused a dispute. The stall owner is a very pungent middle-aged woman. She crossed her waist and swore, so the owner didn't dare to talk back in the car. After a while, the owner came out and said, "it's endless, and I don't pay attention to the image at all." You see, today is sunny, and the shower has begun. "

When an official went to the public toilet, the goalkeeper handed him a handkerchief and asked him to pay 30 cents. The official was somewhat reluctant. After paying the money, he asked, "Do you have an invoice?" The goalkeeper glared at him, pointed to the toilet paper in his hand and said, "That's an invoice!" " "

24. A person goes to tell a fortune, and the fortune teller touches the bones to see the number of characters on his face, saying that you are in love at the age of 20, married at the age of 25, and have children at the age of 30. You have a rich and stable life and a happy family in your later years. The man was surprised at first, and then he was very angry. He said, I am thirty-five, a doctor, single, and I have never been in love. After listening to this, Mr. Wang pondered a little and said, "Young man, knowledge changes fate." "

25. The father asked his son to drink, and the son asked his father, "Isn't there some in the bottle?" Dad shook his head and said, "It's too little." A few minutes later, my son came back with a bottle. Dad took the bottle and looked at it. He was shocked. It turns out that the bottle contains half a bottle of stone. The son proudly said, "Dad, drink. This is how crows drink water.

26. In an elective course of Buddhism, an abbot gave a lecture to everyone. As usual, the students asked several questions: Q: Master, does this course have a name? A: I didn't ask: Master, did you take this course? A:No. Q: Master, what about the final grade? A: Let nature take its course ~

28, according to the report of the masses, the director was ordered to investigate and report to the leadership. The leader asked, "Is the report true?" "It's basically true," said the director. "Among those accused, the' dancing king' is worthy of the name, and the' gambling saint' should have no regrets. Only "Brewmaster" is worthy of the name. I drink with him, but he can't drink me. "

29. The final exam is coming, and the students are taking the time to review. There is a fat man in the class. He doesn't study hard at ordinary times, but he will say a prayer when reviewing. The fat man mused: "The sky is above, the loess is below, and the grass people are willing to exchange ten pounds of meat for passing the final exam!" "